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Pitch It to Me #2 ! All genres welcome!

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  • Pitch It to Me #2 ! All genres welcome!

    Hey guys!

    For starters, for those of you who don't know me- hi! I'm Orona, a budding filmmaker and lawyer in the making. In the past I've taught drama and film in high school, and I am very passionate about literature. I was once very active on the forums but took a break from it- and now I'm back! And... I'm here to help you with your pitches! All genres are welcomed here on this thread!

    I used to have a thread here on the forums for reviewing pitches and stories, however one of them got closed (I have no idea why... maybe cause it was inactive? Welp, I'm sorry guys. I had exams at the time and felt the need to take a break from reviews). Hence, I decided to start a new one! Sadly though, I won't be doing story reviews, because mine are excessively detailed and I am in university now and I used to to do those reviews during my IB days, therefore, I have no time for them. But I can still help out with pitches.

    Before we get to it, there are some ground rules/information which needs to be laid down (after I’m done with my exams I shall add some more):

    1) Make sure your pitch is more than *at least* 8-9 sentences long. I am asking for a detailed pitch, and not a one-liner where you ask me to tell you whether it interested me or not. I want to know your idea, give my opinion, and help you develop it if you need the help.

    2) I am an extremely nice person (well, I think so at least), so don’t worry! I will, absolutely not, tear down your pitches if I feel they aren’t good enough. I know how it feels to be criticized, and while I can assure you that I will not act rude or condescending when giving you my opinion, I have to be able to tell you the truth regarding what I feel about the pitch. So don’t, in any way, feel like I am trying to offend you. That is not my intention at all. I just want to help you guys to create stories that come across as intriguing to your audience through small tweaks here and there (that is, if they need any).

    3)If you’ve understood the rules, when applying for a review make sure you write the password, which is: Bughead.

    Please use this form:

    Tentative Story Name: _______/(N/A if you don't have one yet)
    Story pitch:

    I will rate stories based on these criteria/aspects:

    E- Engagement ( out of 10)

    Measures the depth of engagement derived from just the story's pitch. This is important as pitches are the outline of the story- without this being engaging, a story in its full written form would not be intriguing either.

    C- Clarity (out of 10)

    Clarity refers to the lucidity of the pitch/idea/storyline. This is imperative for a successful story as there must be some sort of coherence, in regards to the story flow.

    P- Plot (out of 10)

    Refers to the plot of the story, and the overall level of development it achieves.

    T- Thematic ideas (out of 10)

    Looks into the themes presented in the potential story’s pitches, and the degree of intricacy and meaning it would provide readers with.

    General Comments/other

    Just any other general comments I have regarding the story’s pitch.


    I may ask you questions to get a better idea of the story, perhaps more than one or two if I sense any holes/the pitch scores a low Clarity level.

    Therefore, it’ll be out of 40.

    Looking forward to some awesome story ideas!

    Last edited by OronaR; 02-02-2018, 03:34 AM.

  • #2
    Funny how we keep crossing paths! = )

    Password: Bughead
    Tentative Story Name: Wonderland 1984
    Story pitch: Set in 1984 in Los Angeles. The Wonderland theme park is the main attraction in the Echo Park neighborhood in Central Los Angeles. Everything seems to be just another night for the amusement park until an onslaught of zombies begin to emerge after a person who enters the park, Corey, carries an mysterious virus with him that turns humans into bloodthirsty killer and eventually begins to infect those around him with the disease. The theme park becomes a place of chaos after people begin killing and biting each other. Four teens (Stacy, Jason, Floyd, Ed) band together to combat the onslaught of zombies and find a way out of the theme park. Meanwhile the feds, military, and CDC intervene and block off the perimeter of the theme park to prevent anyone from getting in or out while also making sure the incident doesn't make global wide news.

    I don't know if the description is long enough... but that really sums up it all up, lol.Tell me what you think of it. Let me know what you think of it, and let me know if I should add anything to it.

    Also did a cover art because I was bored. What do you think of it?
    Last edited by Five Star Equilibrium; 12-23-2017, 12:19 PM.


    • OronaR
      OronaR commented
      Editing a comment
      Haha, accepted! Yes, it’s long enough. Expect a review in a 1 or 2 days time.

    • OronaR
      OronaR commented
      Editing a comment
      Hey again! Sorry for being EXTREMELY late but I was dealing with some personal stuff.

      I read this a couple of times and I really like the idea! It has potential to be dynamic in its entirety and it looks like you can do a lot with it, in the sense of plot development, character development, and the like. By looking at the cover, I can sense that the four MCs are definitely very different from each other- use that to your full advantage. I LOVE the fact that this takes place in the 80s, because if you didn't tell me that I would tell you to set it at that time anyway- so good job! I like the Walking Dead/Stranger Things vibes I'm getting here. Like character development, make sure to use the 1980s setting to your advantage as well. Think of what the MCs would wear, talk like, use what slang, what references (in the case of the 80s, pop references are highly recommended) etc. , and this will help readers get the feel- and I'm sure you are very capable of mastering this. Let me know when it's out! I don't have much to ask as everything is pretty clear cut, but these are just tips.

      And the cover art strongly insinuates the story's elements, I find it aesthetically pleasing, it's a green light for me.


  • #3
    Password: Bughead
    Tentative Story Name: Crossroads
    Story pitch:
    Emma is dealing with the demons of her past that have scarred her soul. Still, she's a hopeless romantic, believing that there's someone out there who she's meant to be. After she developed a crush on her high school best friend, she goes for it and got friend zoned. The embarrassment and sadness makes her embrace some of her demons. She starts to make rebellious changes that almost made her lose everything, but with help of her family and best friends she'll find the way to get in the right track.

    After a long time and without looking for it, she finds someone, someone who makes her feel pretty and embrace her weirdness, but, what would happen when her long time high school crush comes back in the picture and she starts to notice his attentions and flirts. What are his true intentions? Will Emma's skeletons let her to be fully happy or her insecurities will ruin everything that she wanted? In which way should Emma go?

    Hi! This is my first attempt to do an Episode Story, but I'm very excited, I really would love if you can tell me your toughts on the general idea for this story.


    • OronaR
      OronaR commented
      Editing a comment
      Accepted! You’ll receive a review soon.

  • #4
    Style... LIME LIGHT
    description Dia is a stripper Isaac is a business man they enter a very complicated relationship.
    Chapters... 6 ongoing
    customize character
    pls share and read.


    • #5
      Password: Bughead

      Title: Last August

      The inspiration for the setting and some of the characters was actually a dream I had (I usually don't remember my dreams, but I remembered this one.)

      The setting is an alternate United States where the culture developed a little differently.
      As the world has little petroleum, cars, tractors, et cetera are uncommon and generally reserved for military use.

      The fashion is a little different; most people dress in Victorian fashion, but hairstyles are a little different, and facial hair is out. (The fashion part was originally that throwbacks to the 1700's were the rage, and facial hair was in, but that was not possible in Episode.

      Men over twenty-one and married women over the age of twenty-five have the right to vote.
      Both men and woman usually marry between the ages of 15 and 18; anyone who is not married by their early twenties is looked on with pity.
      When a man and woman are married, the woman generally takes on the same or
      ​​​​​​similar profession to her husband.
      i.e. A doctor's wife will usually act as a nurse, but in rare cases may become a doctor herself if she shows interest and is not too busy with children.

      Sigrid, a well-liked seventeen year old with a good reputation, lives in the state of Red River.
      She is the eldest child of a doctor and a nurse, and she has a job as a cook at a local restaurant.
      One day, she loses her temper at a suitor and publically exposes and humiliates him, ruining his chances of marriage to any respectable girl and shaming his family.
      His family begins to harass her, and her neighbor and acquaintance starts driving her to and from town whenever he has time.
      Over time, they become good friends.

      I have many other plans, but I don't want to spoil it all.


      • OronaR
        OronaR commented
        Editing a comment

    • #6
      Hi guys! I’m sorry to keep you all waiting, but I will get to your reviews this weekend FOR SURE. I’ve just been so busy with uni and my coursework.


      • #7
        dunno if you're still accepting or anything, but worth a try!! new to making episode stories (first one actually) but pretty longtime writer on things like wattpad/personal and all of that. largely inspired by va-11 hall-a, void and meddler OST, bladerunner, battle angel alita, cyberpunk in general. dystopian-y, hints of mystery, romance, a lot going on. definitely going to be an LGBT+ story, as i feel like i don't see enough of those (also as an LGBT+ person i just like writing those lol). i'm probably going to world build as it goes on.

        - - -

        Password: Bughead

        Tentative Story Name: Porcelain Skin

        Story pitch: The setting takes place in 2309, in an age where technology rules over organic creations. The class system has two defined areas: the wealthy, and the people who aren't. The wealthy live in castle-like apartments, housing up to at least fifty stories - often more than that. They live in grandeur, in rooms of golden angel dust and pseudo starts that reflect off their chandeliers. Meanwhile, the poor live in houses and block apartments of yesteryear, all the money they earn usually funneling into the latest necessities of life. Augmented arms, eyes, nanomachines to make you heal faster, limitless fixtures to flaws the home body has by design. And each year, with every development in technology, the bar to be considered "normal" gets raised higher. It has gotten to the point where if you fall behind on getting your eyes upgraded or your muscles strengthened artificially, you're as good as worthless.

        Among the wealthy, it is not uncommon to have androids, with the most expensive ones being extremely human like and almost undiscernible from an actual human. Androids are used largely for work that a human may not want to do: taking care of children, cleaning clothes, preparing meals, etc. However, it is not uncommon nor unheard of that they are bought with sinister intentions.

        As of late, a large movement to get androids rights has been noticed by the government, and recently a bill has passed recognizing androids now as citizens, giving them rights and erasing their identify as property. The androids previously under the ownership of a household are now free to leave, get a job, get a house, even marry if they chose to do so. This, as expected, sparked an outrage among those who owned the androids, driving some to keeping them hostage until police forces were threatened.

        The story focuses on one of those androids: NE3M4SC30049. He was previously owned by a extremely wealthy man who was able to pay off cops in order to let him keep the android with no worry of getting caught. NE3M4SC30049's only hope was to find a way out, and escape the clutches of the monster wearing human skin. It took a long, nearly disastrous fight before he was finally free of the chains that bound him. He fled from the scene for as long as he could, before his vision deteriorated to that of an 8-bit game, and his body's inner systems finally shut down. He was shortly found by a resident of a nearby apartment system, and brought into that person's house. He was fixed - as fixed as he could get, at the very least - and he was offered a chance to stay there. NE3M4SC30049 accepted the offer, and finally had a safe haven from the tyranny he faced before.

        However, his trail has a scent. And a lion is following it.


        • OronaR
          OronaR commented
          Editing a comment
          I’m still accepting- so accepted!

      • #8
        @Everyone ,from now on reviews will be reviewed/analysed according to the set criteria I’ve come up with. You will receive an explanation of how your pitch matches each criteria level and why.

        I will put it up later on today.


        • #9
          Hello Viviann , I'm back with a pitch review.

          Firstly, I'm assuming you meant "that there's someone out there who she's meant to be" with? Think you missed the "with" part, but that's alright.

          Engagement (5/10)

          Looking at this pitch, I sense that it is leaning towards stories on Episode that have already been published and have established a reputation (e.g. Blake, and there’s another story I cannot seem to remember), and it seems that this story may lose the engagement with the readers UNLESS you are able to effortlessly execute the story, giving importance to these “demons” and “skeletons” you have mentioned. In that sense, it can be classified as unique and not cliché like such stories that talk about such secrets, insecurities issues etc with no depth and a completely shallow take on real life issues.

          Clarity (6/10)

          Most of the pitch is clear to me, but the only element of your story that is a bit vague is the “demons of the past” and “skeletons” part. While you may want to keep it confidential, it may help to tell me (maybe via PM) what these are pertaining to… what issues in the protagonist’s life exactly. If you don’t want to spill it, it’s completely fine, but just understand that the nature of the issues is what will determine the success of your story (I don’t mean reads in particular, but it’s more about standing out from the other stories- it’s always best to look for new angles OR do justice to an angle which has been used before).

          Plot (5/10)

          As I’ve already mentioned, with more development, you can strengthen the plot. Right now it is at it’s first stage- give more thought to your characters and carve a developed niche. Perhaps this high school crush has an ulterior motive of his own, if anything? Perhaps due to Emma’s issues in the past, she has developed an illness/change in behavior/change in how she perceives the world and this is significant to the story in some way? Just some food for thought.

          Thematic Ideas (5/10)

          As I’m still a bit unclear on where this story is leaning towards in terms of themes, it would be difficult to say. But I’m guessing self development? Self discovery? Perseverance? Morality in general? Again, you may need to examine your plot and dig deeper in order to perfect it.

          General Comments/other



          I’ve already indicated them within the criteria explanations.

          In total, 25/40!

          Let me know if you have any questions.

          - Orona


          • #10
            Next up are:

            1) Cricket Master
            2) andrewshambles

            Expect a review with the new criteria in 1-2 days.


            • Cricket Master
              Cricket Master commented
              Editing a comment
              Thank you!

            • OronaR
              OronaR commented
              Editing a comment
              guys i feel bad for stalling just have so much going on at home with family- personal stuff do hold on, I hope by this weekend they can be done.