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  • I'll give you a quick and thorough critique!

    Quick and thorough? How does that even work?
    Well, my mobile kind of died and I'm using an old one (it's an iPhone 4 -- FOUR). Turns out it gave me a superpower: it's so old it doesn't even have the trending user section, which means all the stories I click go to the Friend's Stories.
    That means two things:
    • I don't need passes
    • I can NAVIGATE through the story!
    Can I get a HELL YEAH?
    ... No?

    Anyway, what will I do?

    I'm gonna read your story and tell you EVERYTHING I liked and didn't like.

    I'll tell you about your language (I'm not a native speaker but I'm fluent, trust me);
    I'll tell you about directing errors;
    I'll tell you about your plot;
    I'll tell you about anything I want to fricking tell you about, okay?!
    ... Really, don't expect my critique to be neaty. I said quick and thorough. I'll give you no guaranties on tidiness.

    I also won't give you marks. I think they're too subjective and redundant - I already told you what you gotta do and what you can be happy about. What is that number for?!
    Also - when I think I had a good impression of your story, I'll stop and give you my words. I won't read 20 chapters if I believe I have enough reviewing material.

    Are we good? Okay.

    Form template for the lazy ones:

    Link (please make it clickable):
    Last edited by Nebbia; 01-21-2015, 05:32 PM.

  • #2
    Title: Face of an Angel
    Genre: Drama
    Episodes: 4 and counting
    Summary: You have the face of an angel, but your heart is cold as ice. When your mother remarries, nothing is going to stop you from taking everything away from your perfect stepsister. Nothing.
    Note: Each episode gets better, so it'd be nice if you could read all 4.
    Last edited by MissA; 01-21-2015, 05:52 PM.


    • Nebbia
      Nebbia commented
      Editing a comment
      Got your story. You'll have your review by tomorrow!

    • Nebbia
      Nebbia commented
      Editing a comment
      Your review is up!

  • #3
    Title: The True Girl Story
    Genre: Drama
    Episode: 8 (making more)
    Summary : You're name is Ariana Antonio-Snape (ANT-O-NEE-O SN-APE) Who's that? Well... That's me. I am an African-American Teenage who decided to share about her life..
    my crazy LOVELIFE , DRAMALIFE , SCHOOLIFE. This is a somewhat true story. ( changed up a most of the names but.. still) JOIN ME ON MY JOURNEY.



  • #4
    Title: Trust No One
    Genre: Romance/Mystery
    Episodes: 26 so far...
    Summary: Aubree can't remember anything. When she wakes up in the Prescott household, mysterious things start to happen...

    Thanks for reading!


    • Nebbia
      Nebbia commented
      Editing a comment
      Your review is up!

  • #5
    Face of an Angel

    First things first: I thought about your summary after reading the first chapter. And then paid attention to it when I read the others. Nowhere in the story does anybody mention the MC has the "face of an angel" (or that she's beautiful, for that matter). It wouldn't be a problem if your story hadn't exactly this title. Try to tuck in some reference in the first chapter!

    Now... to the story!
    Sincerely, I'm impressed! Your directing is great and you have really good writing skills! -- By writing, I mean the way you present the characters, as well as their lives and personalities. Most importantly the latter - Many people like to TELL their readers how their characters are or feel towards others. You SHOW them by their actions (the MC thinks something, but says something completely different - she's fake, but you never mentioned that). That's really mature and makes the story feel real. That's also the first thing I look for in a story.
    Your language is also impeccable. There are some small things I noticed on the first chapter:

    Teacher scene: Please welcome, Ella --> Please welcome Ella (The teacher is telling the students to welcome the MC. She is, thus, not the vocative of the phrase, but the object. A comma is not needed.)

    I liked the choice which ivolved maths! I'm on holidays right now, but I feel like all of the formulas we could choose were wrong. You could insert a right one and work your way around making Mia be better (maybe she says some additional information nobody would know of). That's just a suggestion - I thought people might be happy to get it right if they could!
    Directing problem on the same scene: Well, it's not a problem, but Mia is facing left and it looks like she's talking to the MC. Both should be looking the same way if it's the teacher they're looking at.

    Dinner scene (still 1st chapter): I’m full, I’ll be in my room. --> I'm full. I'll be in my room. (The full stop probably has a reason to be there instead of a comma, but I just know it feels right and it's the right way :P)

    There are some things I wanna comment on the plot:

    "It's payback time" in the end of chapter 1... Payback time for what? I know. Mia is perfect. But it felt a little "out of the blue". The MC could, first, summarise (in thoughts) everything that pissed her off that day, which would make her mad/frustrated and THEN she'd say it's payback time... It would be more dramatic. And make everything more revenge-y

    When she tried to ruin her relationship with Izzy, now THAT escalated quickly. That was the only non-real thing about your plot. I don't think a mere text would ruin a relationship to the point Izzy quickly turned to Ella as her BFF and made her hate Mia to the depths of the Earth and what not. Especially since, like her dad said, it's "not like her". Either it takes something more or Ella thinks of something bigger instead of that. That's honestly what I think.

    Other than that (and I read four full chapters, so it's a LOT): Dang, gurl, you handle the plot VERY well! You escalate the happenings with care (nothing seems rushed or too boring) and, like I said, it felt real. I liked your story. I hope you go on with it 'till the end, because I wanna know what else you have in mind for Ella (that's the name I chose )!


    • #6
      Title : Brother In Law
      Episode(s) : 23 (for now)
      Genre : Romance/Drama/Mystery
      Summary : Roselle is a young girl who lives a "broken" life. She moves into her sister's house after she broke up with her boyfriend. David(Roselle's brother in law) then decided to "fix" Roselle. The story talks about how David help Roselle to pursue a career and be independent. Meanwhile, similarities between Roselle and David led David to develop a strong feeling toward Roselle.
      Link :


      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Your review is up!

    • #7
      Trust No One

      Girl, you have a great story! It feels like those official Episode ones in a way that each chapter has the right amount of suspense and nothing seems rushed or boring. It's just right.
      And that dream where a random guy suddenly appears? That got me thrilled for some reason! Loved that scene. I think it's because his appearance was unexpected. ANYWAYS...


      You have a slight problem with commas, especially when it comes to vocatives. Here are some examples:

      What’s your name dear?
      Thank you so much Myra.
      Myra this room is so nice!
      No problem sweetheart.
      Here you go Miss Aubree.

      And there's a typo... I think it was on chapter 2? When Aubree meets Jacob outside her room.
      --> In case you haven’t noticeD (The "d" is missing)

      Your vs. you're: 1st chapter: "I’m so pumped your staying with us!" - that's wrong.
      You used "your" when you were supposed to use "you're". "Your" is for possessions (your dog... you know the deal) and you're is the abbreviation of "you are".

      --> Whenever you use a vocative, you separate the person's name by a comma (only one if it's in the end/beginning of the phrase and two when it's in the middle). All of the examples above are missing commas.
      Speaking of vocatives, I think you use them too much. In a conversation I had with Winston, he said her name three times! In real conversations, you don't hear your name that often. Mainly because... well... you're already talking. You already have the person's attention.

      As for plot, the first thing I noticed was how... naturally... Aubree handled the fact she didn't remember anything when she woke up. You could put some more drama/desperation there. She's a teenage girl waking up at a random big house who doesn't remember a thing and, in her shoes, I'd be flipping a table. You could maybe make her freak out before Myra comes in. Just to make it a little more real.
      In the start of every episode, you put a flashback. Good, but I think the "To be continued..." isn't necessary there.
      " cried a waterfall of tears" – 1st person came in suddenly there. The narrator was using YOU and it was switched to I. I know what you wanted to do, so maybe you could use @pause for a beat to make the transition?

      NnNnnGH, Winston is SO cute! I'm in love with him. I understand what you're trying to do with Jacob and Aubree, but I definitely didn't fancy that scene in which he kissed her. His behaviour makes me (And Aubree!) punch a wall and then, when he kisses her, she completely melts?? I'd find it disgusting. I'd be mad. Well, maybe other people wouldn't... I'm talking about me here. But I would write one or two more pseudo-romantic situations before making her melt for him, just to make sure.

      Your story is also very pleasant to read - I reached chapter six and didn't even notice it! The great cliffhangers always make me want to read more. You have 26 chapters and I'm doing this review based on chapters 1-6, because Ialready see you have no problem developing the plot and the characters and, besides some random mistakes, your problem is with commas. But I'll definitely read more! I can go on reviewing your story as I read, via PMs, if you want!


      • Bailey B.
        Bailey B. commented
        Editing a comment
        Wow, thank you so much! This review really means a lot! I'm glad you're liking my story, and I will work on what you said. If you want to do more reviews, that's fine by me. But you don't have to! Thanks again!

      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Hey! I'm happy I could be of help, hun! You're welcome~

    • #8
      Title: Difficult Love Genre: Romance/Drama Number of Chapters: 5 so far Summary: Emma has a difficult, yet understanding love life. She's a young fashion designer with a boyfriend of 5 years. Zac is dating Emma and her bestfriend Jenna, but only has feelings for one. When Emma discovers Jenna is cheating on him, she has no choice but to tell Zac so he can finally decide to break up with Jenna once and for all... Link: Thanks!


      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Your review is up!

    • #9
      The Sycamore Complex
      A medical drama that focuses on the life of Elena Young as she navigates her way through a messy torrent of drama in her intern year

      4 episodes


      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Thanks for fixing it! I'll prioritise your story because you had posted it before.

      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Your review is up.

    • #10

      Roselle is a young girl who lives a "broken" life. She moves into her sister's house after she broke up with her boyfriend. David(Roselle's brother in law) then decided to "fix" Roselle. The story talks about how David help Roselle to pursue a career and be independent. Meanwhile, similarities between Roselle and David led David to develop a strong feeling toward Roselle.

      Negative points first.
      Let's start with your summary, hun. You practically told us the whole story there. There's no suspense that makes me want to read it if I came across it by myself.
      On top of that, I started reading your story and realised, in the middle of chapter two, that I still had no idea of what it was about. I needed to go back to your summary to understand what I walked into. My suggestion is you get those words from yoru summary and actually apply them to your story, say, in the first two chapters.
      --> I didn't have the impression Roselle had a broken life. For me, it only seemed like she was a bratty girl with no manners. And David didn't seem to want to "fix" Roselle - he accepted her in because of her wife and now has to put up with her troubles, and they have a passion for music in common that I only know will end in romance because your summary said so. Four episodes in and that's what I got. The story's plot should be clear from the beginning.

      I also only realised who the main character was when I started picking Roselle's choices. I have a suggestion for you that can fix the above "broken life" problem: On the first chapter, before anything else, show Roselle's life. Put her as a narrator and show her fighting her boyfriend, having money issues, all this kind of bad stuff. Finish with her having to move out and THEN show her sister's life. That also fixes the main character appearing out of the blue, for the reader, in David's house. Like I said, that's a suggestion. It gives us some background to understand the story.

      This is important: There are some weird pauses in the middle of the episodes that I'm pretty sure are caused by @CHARACTER is idle. It's getting annoying and I have two things to say:
      • You can use @CHARACTER starts idle and they'll do the same, but without the weird pauses
      • You really don't need to make the characters be idle after every action. Sometimes I finished reading the char's speech before they end their actions and they randomly, say, stop starting to cross arms or something. It really doesn't feel natural - let them cross their arms!
      When the reader may choose the outfit, the options are: Outfit A, B, C. We don't know what she's going to wear! You should name a part of the outfit or what style it is, like "basic, girly, chic" or "white dress, black-and-white, striped shirt".


      Your English is very good! There are only minor mistakes I found, but the dialogue is very pleasant to read. I'll put them below, already corrected:
      Chapter 4: "You'll LOSE" (loss is a substantive)
      Chapter 5 (welp, I ended up reading one more afterwards): "The audiece DOESN'T like me" and "They haven't TOLD you?" ("tell" is present tense)

      Your stories also don't end in cliffhangers (chapter 4 had no ending AT ALL). That's closely tied to the fact I still had no idea what was happening in the story four chapters into it. Give the reader a reason to... well... keep reading. What has your story to offer? Drama, romance? Show it! Roselle's sister was murdered because of some mysterious thing on David's phone/documents. When will you pick that up? Suddenly, they discover Roselle is good at singing. You could show her singing abilities long before others discover it! Give the reader some hints of what's going to happen!

      Your story has a lot of potential. It has. I can see there's a lot you can write about there, a lot of possibilities. But right now... It's boring and moving too slow. Many things that happen in three chapters could take place in only one, very interesting one. STIR IT UP, give us a reason to be pumped and keep reading, like I said! Put in some suspense in the end of every character. There are a lot of ways you can do it!


      • samanthabluebird
        samanthabluebird commented
        Editing a comment
        Hi, thanks for your review. There will be more mystery in the later episodes as when I first start writing it, I'm kinda confused with the directing and etc. So the first few chapters are quite boring.

      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        You're welcome, hun! (: I totally get you! The same happened with my story. I recently reread the first chapters and was like "oh my God, I hope people have patience to put up with these first parts because they suck!"

    • #11
      Title: Transform me. Episodes: 5 and counting. Genre: Fantasy/Romance. Description: In a world of angels and demons, you have one month to complete the ultimate task. Transform a demon into one of your kind. This will be tricky as the demon you have chosen us cocky, sarcastic and at best stubborn! thanks


      • Nebbia
        Nebbia commented
        Editing a comment
        Your review is up!

    • #12
      The Sycamore Complex

      I will warn you already: I'm gonna be harsh. I honestly read only one episode and a half, but I can predict what I'll see on the other ones and already have a lot to say.

      Language first:

      There's no correct punctuation anywhere. I started correcting it, but it's present in every dialogue line... The punctuation is either missing or incorrectly used and none of them have a full stop on the end of the lines. I'll correct a few lines as an example:

      Ugh, I am so hungover. (I put a comma)

      Hi! I am Will (capitalisation was also missing there). So, we’re gonna be interns together. Is that great or what?

      Hello. I am Kate Parker, your resident. You will address me by Dr Parker and will not question me.

      Honey, the two last lines above were a complete mess because of the problems I already mentioned. And this comes up every time. It's hard to read, hard to comprehend.
      On top of that, you put too much dialogue in one speech bubble. They get huge and it's really tiring to read all of that. You need to break the text into several bubbles when it's too big, otherwise the lack of dynamism will make the reader's attention disappear with the blink of an eye.

      Your vs. you're: "Your so sweet" (also missing a full stop) on chapter 1
      You used "your" when you were supposed to use "you're". "Your" is for possessions (your dog... you know the deal) and you're is the abbreviation of "you are".

      You have several direction issues.
      • The characters are usually all piled up on the same spot (you can put one character on screen left/right and the other one on UPscreen left/right..)
      • You don't make the characters face the proper way. Leo and Will at the museum, for example. Leo was talking to Will's back.
      • They appear standing in the beginning of a scene, then reappear walking in (you don't need to make the character stand on the scene if you want him to enter first)
      • At the hospital corridor, you use the same zone over and over as if the characters exited it and entered another zone. "@pan to..." may be useful there, as well as @follow CHARACTER to...". Make them go to the other zones.
      • You mostly use "talk". Talk talk talk... They have other actions to be used! Don't just make them say the line - make them move their bodies. Otherwise it's boring to just read stuff. And you don't even know what the character is feeling.
      • Another issue with character actions: when the MC was going to revive a patient... She said she'd do it. Then she said she was done. You didn't show her doing it, using "tinker_kneel", for example. It was just dialogue. Show the characters doing stuff, too! Especially if... well... they were supposed to do them. We just keep reading and reading...
      When the MC is at the bar, she leaves Nate and exits screen right... and we're left staring at him for some time. Until one character suddenly appears and then the screen is cut to zone 3 and the character is there and... What?
      Honey, do you edit your story after you write it? Your direction makes everything really confusing. Put it together with the endless non-punctuated dialogues that we don't get a break from because there's no character action and we get a really tiring story to be read, because we have no idea what's going on!

      I know what you're trying to do with the plot. It follows the same story line as Love Sick or... well, House. A Medical drama/romance where we see Elena's personal drama WHILE she needs to save patients and deal with her coworkers. Hell, I love medical stories! But what I see here is a story that was written in a rush, like you were forced to write the chapters while your house was burning down or something. Like you needed to finish it ASAP and that was it.

      The plot is very shallow. Will desperately hitting on her, Leo also desperately trying to cheat on his wife with Elena, then things being explained in only one huge speech bubble and that's it... No cliffhangers, no showing, just telling, no details, no care. No development. Things escalating too quickly.

      My only suggestion to you is that you revamp it all, start it all over with care. With patience. Review it yourself, don't infodump the reader. Gently tease the information in. Slowly show the character's feelings and personalities. Be nice with the plot.
      It just seemed to me... too careless and rushed.
      Last edited by Nebbia; 01-22-2015, 08:25 AM.


      • #13
        Difficult Love

        What makes your story very pleasant to read is the fact your direction is REALLY good! I also think Emma's relationship with Zac is funny and cute. And I fancied the first chapter! How you introduced everyone and what they do, and then we find out practically everybody's cheating?! It kept me interested to see what was going to happen.
        The language also helps with the pleasant reading. You thankfully don't have any major English issues! Sometimes, though, the speeches lack some commas. Some examples follow, commas already added:

        If it was, we would already be married or something.
        Which I need to pack, so I'll be doing that (...)
        Well, can I just tell you one thing I'm sure about?
        So? It's not like he actually loves you! (That wasn't a comma problem. The "?" was missing)

        Your vs. you're: "Just break up with the person your dating"
        You used "your" when you were supposed to use "you're". "Your" is for possessions (your dog... you know the deal) and you're is the abbreviation of "you are".

        Whose vs. Who's: "Then whose John"
        Who's is the abb. of "who is". Whose is used for possessions, after the possessed object has already been mentioned (This is the book whose student forgot, etc.)

        Typo here:
        Get useD to it if you wanna be with me.

        Directing issue here:
        When Emma's friend (I forgot her name, uugh!) leaves the house, there's an awkward pause before Emma says "Remember if he does anything I'll kill him!". I don't know why the pause is there. You need to check the script.

        When it comes to outfits, I always tell people this:
        When the reader may choose the outfit, the options are: Outfit 1, 2, 3. We don't know what she's going to wear! You should name a part of the outfit or what style it is, like "basic, girly, chic" or "white dress, black-and-white, striped shirt".

        There's one thing I really didn't like: personally, I don't think Jenna is a bitch. I think she was a pretty cool person, actually, if we take out the fact she was cheating (they were cheating, too). She seemed to be a close friend of Emma and, for me, Emma was the backstabbing bitch. If you want people to dislike Jenna, you should make her a bad girlfriend. Say... Make her the jealous type, or authoritarian, or fake. Otherwise I feel bad for her.

        Other than that, it's an ok story. It's..... You know..... Ok. It's a cute love story about a couple who loves each other and whose funny lovey-dovey dialogues are overexposed for the sake of romance. Apparently, that's all the story's gonna be - The reader gets a hint that there will be some action after Jenna apparently gets revengeful, but this action takes long to appear because there are too many scenes of the romantic couple. I miss some cliffhangers, too. The only good one was in the end of the first chapter, and I like how it turned out. But... it's a romance with nothing new. And nothing against that - I just wouldn't feel attracted to a story whose plot is overused, even though the direction and maturity of the story is remarkable.


        • JenniferL.
          JenniferL. commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you so much! This was actually so helpful! I'm going to put more drama and stuff in the new chapters I know the plot is kinda overused but I'm definitely going to fix it! Thank you again!

        • Nebbia
          Nebbia commented
          Editing a comment
          Hey there; you're very welcome! I'm glad it helped!

      • #14
        Transform Me

        I need to say this first: Oh my Goooood I looove your idea!! It's so original! I'm happy~
        Your directing is also really good. I found no mistakes in that area. And each character REALLY has their own unique personality - I love Ebonisha and Silas! Really - good job with the personalities.
        I can see where this is going Silas. Simi. Hearts all over~ But it's good that nothing is escalating too quickly. It's flowing just like it should. You keep that plot up - it's great!
        One thing that kept me thinking, though: Why will there be "consequences" if the angel failed? That sounds so hard coming from... well... angels! I know the angels in your story aren't all that lovey-dovey (and I LOVED it!) but, well, apparently those are teen angels and they shouldn't be so severely punished for failing. I don't know... Maybe there could be another excuse for teen angels to be afraid of failing. To be reproved in angel school? To have to work in the demon jail (which seems pretty bad)? Well; these are just my thoughts!

        A few English mistakes. I'll write down some examples and say what was wrong.:

        An assignment, which may be the biggest you ever receive --> An assignment which may be the biggest you'll ever receive (there's an unnecessary comma and a lacking "will")
        To transform one of the sinful into one of our kind -->
        To transform one of the sinful ones into one of our kind (sinful is an adjective. You may also replace it with "sinners")
        I thought we'd go threw the woods --> I thought we'd go through the woods (threw is the past of "to throw".)

        Your vs. you're: "Who's this? You're new bird?"
        You used "you're" when you were supposed to use "your". "Your" is for possessions (your dog... you know the deal) and you're is the abbreviation of "you are".

        You see, your review wasn't as long as the others. That's because I didn't find many mistakes and, like I said, I really liked it! It's cute, funny, the characters are really captivating and the idea is SO GOOD! Keep on; you go, gurl!


        • liv123
          liv123 commented
          Editing a comment
          thanks sooo much! I will correct the mistakes now I really appreciate your comments and I will explain what will happen to the angels if they fail. Thanks!

        • Nebbia
          Nebbia commented
          Editing a comment
          You're welcome, gurl! I finished the other chapters on my "reviewing break" and am eagerly waiting for an update!

        • liv123
          liv123 commented
          Editing a comment
          Cool, I'll have some updates very soon!

      • #15
        Title: Life at Bayview University

        Genre: Romance/Drama/Mystery (mostly really dramatic)

        Summary:Step into Jaclyn's life at Bayview University! Start your college life at Bayview by meeting your roommate Kamila. Immediately, you encounter backstabbing friends, romance, and tough homework. Choices you make can affect your reputation and how others think of you. Can you fit in, even with queen bee Janel? Have fun at parties while juggling essays? Can you face struggles such as kidnappings, murderers, and cheating lovers? Enroll into Bayview today! Recommended for teens, and currently top rated! Check it out!

        Number of episodes: 17 as of today

        Thank you so much, IT MEANS SO MUCH <3


        • Nebbia
          Nebbia commented
          Editing a comment
          I'll start your review tomorrow (:

        • dancingteen
          dancingteen commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you!

        • Nebbia
          Nebbia commented
          Editing a comment
          Your review is up!