Faultless by @writeslondon
Feedback:
Thoughts on cover: Doesn’t really grab my attention. I wouldn’t click on this story if I seen it in the app.
Thoughts on description: The description is interesting. I would probably click on it if I seen it in the app because I like stories that revolve around young adults.
Characters: I don’t really connect with any of the characters. You didn’t give us any backstory on them, they don’t seem to have a personality. Other than being flirty and a “bad girl.”
Plot development: Everything happened to quickly. Things were moving at a fast pace. I can’t say. I didn’t see one, I was confused the whole time. I think you need to work on that because this story has potential.
Backgrounds/overlays: Good quality backgrounds. Overlays were glitchy.
Music: Yes.
Choices: No.
Sentence structure: Needs improvement. You were missing a lot of commas and some of your sentences didn’t make sense. You also need to add apostrophes because those are important.
Ways to improve: I would suggest taking your time with this story and stop rushing it because that’s the vibe I get from it. This story has potential, but right now everything is happening way to fast. A link is provided in this thread to give you tips on how to make your story better. I would advise you to use it.
Review:
Episode 1
- Nice intro.
- Glitchy overlay. “For more pleasurable experience” use & instead of @ and if you have a transition set in this scene then take it out.
- The light pink text clashes with City and the background. I know what it says, but you should change the color.
- Instead of telling us to not change her eye-color or hair color, you should use one of Dara’s limited cc template.
- That flashback was short and I don’t get what the point was? It moved on to quickly. It felt rushed.
- Adrian’s speech tail is on the father. Not a big deal, but it bothers me lol.
- More glitchy overlays use & instead of @ I don’t know if you test this out in the app. It doesn’t seem like you do because it would show you what we see. I would advise you do that.
- City is gliding through the garden.
- Zain says “Omg its Nick Jonas!” Change its to it’s or it is.
- Zain speech bubble isn’t on him. Make sure you always reset the speech bubbles and assign them to the right character.
- When City hits Zain… She doesn’t do the animation and Zain isn’t facing the correct way.
- Once again, I’m just going to assume you don’t double check your work in the app and you only look at the portal. Bad idea.
- Mr. Cocky needs to be spaced out.
- Zain says “Oh and whats the name of the woman that assaulted me?” Whats needs to be What’s or what is.
- City is telling her full name to guy who knocked her out and basically kidnapped her? Okay…
- Everything is happening at once. Every scene feels like two seconds and I’m confused.
- City says “Why the heck are you aiming at me?” I think you left a word out so I’ll assume you meant “Why the heck are you aiming a gun at me?”
- City says “Why am I here?” Like she didn’t just follow Zain…
- Praiz mouth isn’t moving when she’s talking.
- City’s speech bubble is blocking her face.
- That ended abruptly.
- Nothing really happened in this chapter.
Episode 2
- “Its only 8 and so much drama.” Change its into it’s and change 8 into eight.
- Zain speech bubble is long I would suggest using a talk_loop animation, looks better.
- Jealous best friend? Okay lol
- You’re missing a lot of apostrophes.
- I already seen this scene… City is just wearing a different outfit this time.
- Some of the same problems in episode 1 continues in episode 2.
Episode 3
- You’re missing commas.
- Zain calling his girlfriend or this girl a jealous bitch doesn’t do it for me.
- You can see City holding the gun in the art scene.
- Zain says “Be one with the gun.” I don’t know what this means. “Be the one with the gun?? Idk
- When using a direct address, a comma is needed.
- I don’t really like the mc.
- Everything is moving fast.
- Some of the same problems in episode 2 continues in episode 3.
My advice: Go back into episodes 1-3 in revamp. Explain that flashback more. Give the readers more backstory on City and Zain. The jealous best friend role is a cliche, but if you know how to make it good with a lot of plot twist then do you. Make the characters likable, nobody will like a story if they can’t relate to the characters. I also notice you try to make City this “bad girl with a bad attitude” but instead it’s making her unlikeable. Don’t get me wrong. I love a bad ass character especially a women! But City isn’t doing it for me. Like I said in the comments at the top. Your story has potential you just need to develop it more.
I hope my feedback doesn’t offend you in any way. My opinion is my own.