Under Your Mask by @sofia.sigma
Thoughts on the covers: The covers are drawn beautifully no doubt. However, right off the bat I could tell this story is about romanticizing psychopaths. Stories like this aren’t my cup of tea. So, if I seen it the app I wouldn’t click on it and read.
Thoughts on description: The description is a cliche. It didn’t grab my attention. I personally think it could use some tweaking.
Character development: I didn’t see much of a character development in the story. All the characters looked the same. I didn’t really feel connected to them. I guess Luna was interesting. I think you should give some background history on the characters.
Plot development: I didn’t see one either. I see the direction you’re going, but all I can tell is that Jed is going to go after Nia for whatever reason. I guess because he’s crazy and they will lust over each other. This is based on the description and the covers. And some conversations.
Sentence structure: Needs improvement. I would suggest find a proofreader.
Directing: It was good. Needs some work.
Backgrounds: Good quality.
Music: No music, but you had sound.
Ways to improve: You should find a proofreader and you need to work on your directing. Comments about this will be in the review section.
- The nurse says “No one told you that you’re crazy.” This makes sense, however, why do you try this instead “No one has said that you’re crazy.”
- Nurse says “Nia, don’t make me do with this the hard way!” This needs to be “Nia, don’t make do this the hard way!”
- Nia says “NO ! I know that you are drugging me because you don’t want me to find out about the things that going around here!” Change “that” into that’s. Also, you don’t need a space between no and the !
- Nia’s speech bubble isn’t on her.
- The arm overlays could be better. Maybe try to layer it differently because right now it looks odd.
- Your sentences needs improvement. I’m going to assume English isn’t your first language. A lot of the sentences don’t make sense.
- “My parents thought, that it would be better for me to stay here for good.” That comma isn’t needed.
- “Hey Lara” You need a comma after hey.
- “Hey sweetheart” You need a comma after hey.
- “As you know, it’s not allowed smoke in here!” This doesn’t make sense. Try this “As you know, you’re not allowed to smoke in here!”
- Missing punctuation at the end of the sentences.
- “Look Nia, I know you for almost 5 years.” That should say known. You should also consider changing the numbers to letters.
- You should put the background characters into a talk animation loop.
- All your characters look the same. (The females)
- When speaking directly to someone it’s called a direct address. You need to use a comma before addressing someone by name.
- Sofia is gliding instead of walking.
- This fight scene seems familiar. I seen something like this an another story about psychopaths lol.
- The paparazzi’s pop into the scene.
- You need to work on your speech bubbles.
- The water overlay is clearly an overlay. Maybe try to layer it differently or zoom closer onto Nia’s face. It just looks a bit weird.
- Nia says “Good morning you too.” You should day “Good morning to you too.”
- I would suggest getting a proofreader.
- Isabella speech tail isn’t on her.
- After the characters are done talking you should put them on an idle_loop animation because right now they’re stuck on the last animation they did.
- Luna says “Of course I have.” That should be “Of course, I do.” Or “Of course, I have a car.”
- Tyler pops in the scene. Make sure you use & instead of @
- “Hey buddy!” You need a comma after hey.
- Jed is still talking while Tyler is talking.
- “I don’t want your dirty ass on my clean house.” On needs to be “in”
- Jed seems like the stereotypical version of a psychopath. I mean that’s fine because you see it in a lot of episode stories. Just my opinion.
- Mrs. Fiona pops into the scene.
- The name in the direct address is always set apart from the rest of the sentence by a comma or commas.
- Nia and Luna pop into the car. Use & to avoid characters from popping in.
- Nia’s speech bubble is outside of the car. You should scale the speech bubble to 90% and place it next to her.
- Directing errors continue in this episode.
My comments: I would suggest doing more research about psychopaths. Jed seemed like the stereotypical version of a psychopath.
Here is an thread on how to portray psychopaths
Tips, tricks and discussions
I hope my feedback doesn’t offend you in any way. My opinion is my own