Aaliyah's Honest Reviews! 🖤

[LiyahxWrites]

CHAOS by @RJGSB
Feedback:

Thoughts on the cover: The cover is okay, but it doesn’t grab my attention.

Thoughts on the description: The description is a bit of a cliche. I see this description a lot among stories on this app. If I would have seen saw this in the app. I wouldn’t click on it and read it.

Character development: I didn’t see one. I can’t comment on this.

Plot development: The first three episodes weren’t showing anything other than Blaze talking about the company. I can’t comment on this because I didn’t see a plot development.

Sentence structure: Needs work.

Directing: Needs improvement.

Music: No.

Choices: Yes.

Ways to improve: You need to work on your sentences. I suggest getting a proofreader.

Review:

Episode 1

• You’re missing punctuation at the end of your sentences.
• “Please continue Mr.Johnathan.” This needs to be “Please continue, Mr. Johnathan.”
• Manager’s mouth was moving while Johnathan was speaking.
• Johnathan is slide across the room when he approaches Blaze.
• After the characters are done with an animation put them in an idle_loop animation.
• Blaze mouth isn’t moving when he’s speaking.
• Johnathan says “But…may I finish?” That needs to be “But… may I finish?”
• Blaze says “Since when has that company grown big enough to possible get close to hurting us?” This sentence doesn’t make sense. Try “Since when has that company grown big enough to come close to hurting us?”
• “So, are you telling me this whole time you found all this unimportant to report to me?” Yeah, this doesn’t make sense. Try this: “Are you telling me that this whole time you found this information unimportant so, that’s why you didn’t report it to me?”
• The narration really isn’t needed especially since we can see what is happening.
• “You have something to report?” Change this to “Do you have something to report?”
• “Okay I’ll come to the point.” This should be “Okay, I’ll get to the point.”
• “Sir, you’re getting late.” This needs to be “Sir, it’s getting late.”
• “You need to catch a flight early in the morning.” Change this to “You need to catch an early flight in the morning.”
• Characters are still in a talk_loop animation when someone is speaking.
• Mouths aren’t moving when characters are talking.
• Using stock characters as characters is a no-no.
• Episode 1 didn’t have a lot going on. It was also short.
• Limelight boys are shorter by default. So you might want to get familiar with spot directing.

Episode 2

• “Morning Mr.Norman” This needs correcting “Morning, Mr. Norman.”
• “Well sir…” Correct this to “Well, sir…” When using ellipses it needs to 3 dots.
• A lot of your sentences don’t make any sense. I’m going to assume that English isn’t your first language. With that being said, I suggest you find a proofreader.
• You have dialogue, but the character’s mouth isn’t moving. I get that it’s too much work, but it makes your story look better.
• “I don’t think he might like this idea.” This needs to be “I don’t think he’ll like this idea.”
• “Well, you see Mr.Carter has two daughters.” This needs to be “Well, you see, Mr. Carter has two daughters.”
• I’s need to be capitalized.
• Remain clam wasn’t really clam.
• Directing errors continue in this episode.

Episode 3

• Camera isn’t on Blaze when he’s talking to Carter.
• Spot directing error with the CC.
• Episode 3 was only 2 minutes. I’m kind of mad because I wasted a ticket.

My comments: You need to work on the 1-3 episodes. They lack action and excitement, the first three episodes are supposed to draw readers in and have them hooked that they want more, but these episodes didn’t make me feel that way. You also need to work on your punctuation and your directing. I suggest using the forums and asking people for help with directing tips. Your story can be good if you put more effort and thought into this story.
There is a link in the original post, you should click on that. Also, I advise you to add more content into episode 3

I hope my feedback doesn’t offend you in any way. My opinion is my own.

[RJGSB]

Thank you

[LiyahxWrites]

Never say Never! by @Mina33

Directing and grammar review:

Episode 1

• You used a transitions fade in instead of transitions fade out.
• The character talking to us the (readers) you should limit that or take it out. Limit breaking the fourth wall.
• Damien says: “Well, YOU LATE.” This is needs to be “Well, you’re late.” But it would say better as ”You’re late.”
• When the characters are done talking you should put them in an idle_loop animation.
• You should use talking animations when the characters are speaking. Laughing animations with dialogue looks weird.
• “Hey babe.” Needs to be “Hey, babe.” When you’re speaking directly to someone that is called a direct address.
• Damien says “Hey beauty… You look wonderful tonight…” This needs fixing “Hey, beauty… You look wonderful tonight.” You should only use ellipsis when you’re about to say something suspenseful.
• Layering issues with Damien and Mia. When Mia goes to kiss Damien she’s in front of him and Damien is behind her.
• Mia says: “I miss you… babe…” This needs to be “I miss you, babe.” Limit the usage of ellipsis.
• Damian says: “You miss me to babygirl!” I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, but try this: “Do you miss me also, babygirl?” Or “I miss you too, babygirl.”
• Damien says: “Let the job, go home. Get ready for our date tonight.” Try this instead “Forget working tonight. Go home and get reading for our date tonight.”
• Mia says: “But… job…” I don’t know what you are trying to say, but maybe “But… What about the job?”
• Damien says: “Babe, don’t worry about job. Sarrah can change you…” Fix this to “Babe, don’t worry about the job. Sarrah can switch shifts with you.
• When Mia goes to lift Damien chin up. The layering is off. Mia is behind Damien and Damien is in front of her.
• Mia says: “See you tonight babe.” Fix this to “See you tonight, babe.”
• More layering issues.
• You used another transitions fade out instead of fade in.
• Damien says: “7.30” This needs to be 7:30.
• Limelight boys are shorter than limelight girls by default. Make sure to spot direct the boys taller than the girls.
• Mia says: “Aw, you look amazing to.” This needs to be “Aw, you look amazing too.” (Too = also.)
• Mia says: “I like but… it’s little creepy here…” Change it to “I do, but it’s a little creepy here.”
• Damien says: “Be mine baby.” Change this to “Be mine, baby.”
• Damien says: “Why? Because, I am not Damien you know?” Not sure what you’re trying to say, but try this “Why? Because I’m not the Damien that you know?
• Damien says: “I am worst person ever.” This needs to say “I am the worst person ever.”
• Damien’s mouth is not moving when he’s pointing the gun at Mia. Also, Mia is holding the flashlight animation, in this case, you should zoom onto her face. It would look better.
• Mia says: “NOW? No you crazy idiot.” This needs to be “NOW? No. You crazy, idiot.”
• When Mia kicks Damien in the crotch the animation on his end is delayed and Damien is facing the wrong way. For the animations to respond at the same time. Put them on the same line using AND.

Episode 2

• Mia isn’t wearing the dress that I picked in episode 1. You can code this by doing using this method here.
• Damien says: “What? To kill you BITCH, for ruining my life?” This needs to be “What? To kill you, BITCH for ruining my life?”
• Mia says: “Fck, no?” This needs to be “Fck no?”
• Damien says: “Yes you are, you ruin my life!” This needs to be “Yes you did. You ruined my life!”
• When Mia runs she isn’t moving anywhere and then she vanished into thin air.

This is how you code this: @MIA walks to spot 1.280 302 268 in zone 4 AND MIA is run_athletic_loop

• Damien vanishes into thin air.
• You did transitions fade in instead of transitions fade out again.
• Mia says: “Does he disappear?” This needs to be “Did he disappear?”
• Mia says: “Tomorrow I’ll see what I’m doing about Damien.” This needs to be “Tomorrow I’ll see what I’m going to do about Damien.”
• You need to familiarize yourself with stage directing and spot directing
• Mia says: “Does he gone.” This needs to be “Is he gone?”
• Damien pops into the restaurant. Use & instead of @
• Mia is sleeping in the cafe.
• Tessa isn’t sitting in the chair.
• Mia says: “What you heard” This needs to be “What have you heard?”
• Mia says: “How you get in?” This needs to be “How did you get in?”

Episode 3

• Damien says: “What you wait, catch her!!!” This needs to be “What are you waiting for? Catch her!!!”
• Directing and grammatical errors continue into this episode.

Feedback and comments:
To be frank, I didn’t see a plot development nor, a character development. The first three episodes lacked thrill and excitement. Your directing needs work and I’m going to assume that English isn’t your first language. With that being said, you should find yourself a proofreader. You also need to familiarize yourself with punctuation and spot directing. This story seemed rush and it shows that you didn’t put effort into it. You need to test your story in the app. You had a lot of spot directing issues. My advise is to revamp 1-3. These episodes are supposed to draw people in and book them. These episodes do not do that. There is a link at the original post called “tips, tricks and discussions.” I would advice you to use that.

I hope my feedback doesn’t offend you in any way. My opinion is my own.

[LiyahxWrites]

Bumping. You can still request. Reviews are a tad bit slow right because I have other things going on.

[nellyy.epi]

Hi, thanks for this thread
Here’s my story
Falling For Bad
Plot : Two ex-best friends,one with anger problems and one with cyclothymia disorder.
Both are bad for Kate,but one is going to win her heart.
[LL,CC,Point System,Choice Matter,Minigames]
Episodes : 9
Status : On going
Gerne : Romance & Drama &
Style : Limelight
CC : Available
Also : In my story, I use New Backgrounds other from Episode’s Art Catalogue and Overlays .
My story contains, Minigames & Point System and your choices matter and affect your status with the characters!
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6387556438835200
My IG : @nellyy.epi

Story Cover [Made by me] :

[DanDuck]

Hey @LiyahxWrites, thanks for offering to review! Not sure if I can make it in your waiting list but yeah.

---

Title: i-Robin (LINK)
Author: DanDuck
Genre: Adventure
Description: An ordinary female humanoid, who wish to be a better self by marching into LaMar Academy. All the dramas happen on- and off-campus with her rival, friends, as well as her idol, Allicah. Some tragic events happen to Robin, and thus, she tries to unfold the mystery behind the case and come to a final face-off.

[LiyahxWrites]

I can make an exception. Do you want this review by a certain time frame?

[DanDuck]

Anything that fits your timetable. :))

[LiyahxWrites]

Falling For Bad by @nellyy.epi
Feedback:

Thoughts on the cover: The covers are beautifully drawn. If I seen this in the app, I would definitely click and read it.

Thoughts on the description: The description is good. It’s a bit of a cliché, however, I like triangles so, I would click on it. Your commas need to be spaced out, but I assume you did it that way because you needed extra room to write everything.

Character development: The character development is alright. I only read 3 chapters so, I can’t rally comment. But I will say that it would nice to know about John, Ace and Rose a little more. Maybe add some a backstory in the second chapter or the third. Other than that, I like the relationship between Rose and Kate.

Plot development: You have a bit of clichés in the story, but that’s okay. It was still good. I didn’t see much of a plot development in the first 3 chapters. However, I see the direction you’re head in so, that makes up for that.

Sentence structure: Needs work. I would suggest getting a proofreader.

Directing: The directing is good. Needs works.

Music: Yes.

Choices: Yes.

Ways to improve: I suggest find a proofreader and get familiarized with direct address commands. More comments will be in the review section.

Review:

Episode 1

Grammar mistakes:

• The father says in the introduction “Don’t do this again honey…” You need to put a comma in that sentence. “Don’t don’t do this again, honey.”
• Kate says “We all have a something that we call home.” You don’t need that a.
• Kate says “Good morning mom.” Kate is speaking directly to her mom so, this needs to be “Good morning, mom.” This is called a direct address. Anytime you’re speaking directly to a person and you use a name, you need to a comma.
• Helen says “Good morning sweetheart.” Once again, a comma needs to be before ”sweetheart.”
• Helen says “You’re a strong girl Katie.” A comma is needed.
• Kate says “I feeling like anxiety was eating me alive.” Although that may be correct. This will sound cleaner “It felt like anxiety was eating me alive.”
• Although you are introducing the characters. You should add either a period at the end of the sentences or use a dash (-)
• Missing punctuation for ‘The freaks’ and ‘The nerds’
• Rose says “I’m just stating that truth here.” This needs to be “I’m just stating the truth here.”
• Juliet says “Your room is on the right in the end of our hall.” This should be “Your room is on the right at the end of our hall.”
• Juliet says “Take some rest.” This needs to be “Get some rest.”
• If using ellipsis then you need three dots. You used two. “Hi…” This needs to be “Hi…”
• Kyle says “Would you like me to tour you around?” This should be “Would you like me to take you on a tour?” It sounds cleaner.
• Kate says “My worst subject to be honest.” This should be “My worst subject, to be honest.
• Kyle says “I maybe don’t look like that, but I’m a huge nerd.” Try “I might not look like one, but I’m a huge nerd.”

Directing mistakes and feedback:

• The narration bubble is blocking Kate’s face when she’s laying down on the bed.
• When the characters are done talking you should put them in an idle_loop animation. Example: &KATE is idle_sad_loop
• ‘The needs’ pop into the the screen’ Be sure to use & instead of @
• Stock characters look weird. Maybe try adding different clothes and hair to them?
• Juliet’s mouth is still moving when Kate is talking.
• Kate’s mouth isn’t moving when she’s speaking. When she says “You straight up walked into me.”
• The background characters should be spotted a little closer since they are kissing. Also, the background character still has the book in his hand when kissing the girl.
• Kyle’s speech bubble is on his legs. You should spot it higher.
• Kyle sits mid air and then slides to the cafeteria table. But then he stands. You might want to fix that.
• Kyle’s speech bubble is on Kate when he comes and picks her up.
• Kate’s speech bubble is on Juliet. Make sure to always reset your speech bubbles and assign them to the right character. In this case, Kate’s speech tail should be set on the right - Bathroom scene.

Thoughts on episode 1:
I’m not sure what Juliet is going to do to Kate. It looks like sexual harassment/assault. In this case, you should have a trigger warning in the beginning of the episode or before this scene to warn the readers. You might want to add that the bathroom scenes contains bullying as well.

Episode 2

Grammar mistakes:

• Juliet says “I would let you to join us.” This should be “I would have let you join us.”
• Ace says “But, some students searched on the toilets to make sure that that’s true and they found no one.” Try “But, some of the students searched the bathroom to make sure it was true, but they found no one.”
• Kate says “Then into his abs.” Try “Then onto his abs.”
• Rose says “People judge of my looks all the time.” This needs to be “People always judge how I look all the time.” Or “People always judge how I look.”
• Kate says “This btch’s crazy.” This needs to be “This btch is crazy.”
• Rose says “I’m planning into becoming a personal trainer.” Correct this to “I’m planning on becoming a personal trainer.”
• Kate says “But first sight is important to everyone.” Use this instead “But first impressions is important to everyone.”
• Kate says “Oh you won’t.” It should “Oh, you won’t.”

Directing mistakes and feedback:

• Overlay glitch. The lamp glitches in the scene. You use & instead of @
• When Kate is walk to Ace’s door. You should have her walk in rear. The animation for that is ‘walk_rear’
• Kate’s speech bubble tail should be on set on the left.
• The guy in the background of the cafeteria seems a bit big.
• Jennifer walks through Kate. You need to fix the layering.
• Overlay glitch in the empty room. Use & instead of @

Thoughts on episode 2:
Rose is really nice and I love her personality and the character. I actually wished she was a love interest. I love the friendship that is blossoming between Kate and her. The mini game was fun. I got everything right. I also adore John and also Ace. This episode was nice. You had some directing errors and grammar errors, but everything was spot on.

Episode 3

Grammar errors:

• Rose says “Of the group, because he met us all to each other.” This should be “Of the group, because he introduced us to each other.”
• Jayden says “Do you know how to answer to any of these?” This should be “Do you have the answers to any of these?” Or “Do you know the answers to any of these?”
• A lot of grammar and punctuation errors continue in episode 3

Directing mistakes and feedback:

• Characters pop into the scene.
• John’s mouth is moving while Ace is talking.
• Some directing errors continue over in episode 3

Comments: Since you’re mentioning rape in episode 3. You should add a trigger warning. Something like: ‘Warning: This scene talks about rape. Viewers discretion is advised.’

Overall thoughts, this story is really good. I like the drama that’s going on in the sidelines. The characters are likeable. The romance isn’t rushed so, that a plus. I’m curious about Ace having cyclothymia and I’m curious how you’re to play this out. I will be reading the next few chapters. Keep up the great work

I hope my feedback doesn’t offend you in any way. My opinion is my own.

[nellyy.epi]

Thank you so much, really!
I fixed some sentences, english is my second language D:
Also Ace has *cyclothimia
And thanks for the bug reports (Like Kyle sliding ), I fixed them!
I’m glad that you liked my story, thank you so much for the tips, I’ll try to improve my story.

[LiyahxWrites]

Your English is well for it to be your second language.
& no problem! It was a really good story.

@nellyy.epi

Also Ace has *cyclothimia

Oops. Sorry about that, my phone autocorrected that lol.

[nellyy.epi]

Hahahah, no problem, happens to everyone

[Geegtfo]

Hey girl! I started a new story and I added music to this one! lol and so much more! I would love your feedback!

Story Name - Beyond Repair
Author - Giana
Genre - Romance
Episodes - 3
Summary - After a tragic accident Lola leaves her hometown hoping to find herself again, but she finds someone else instead, Is Lola capable of love or if she broken beyond repair?
Style - Ink
Link- http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4518274726690816
Cover -

[LiyahxWrites]

Of course, I’ll check it out and review it

[Geegtfo]

Awesome I can’t wait !

[Tom_THE_Best]

Hi! Can you review my story! Here is the details!

Story: Regrets and Threats
Author: Tom_The_Best
Genre: Thriller/Mystery
Episodes: 4
Summary: After being falsely accused in a kidnapping plot and brutal assault, Alexis has been thrown behind bars! Will she ever prove her innocence or will she have to stay in prison? LGBT+
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4616888933482496

Cover

I hope you like it!

[LiyahxWrites]

@writeslondon

Please review all 4!! If not that’s okay

Do you actually want a review? Or are you just looking for reads?

Also, @kennedychase do you still want that review? I needed to knock off the people that were before you. But I started on your review already.

[writeslondon]

I wanted an review. I just wanted all 4 cause the fourth episode I’m most proud of. You don’t have to it’s fine. Sorry

[LiyahxWrites]

I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it. I’m just making sure you actually want one.

[writeslondon]

Okay