Advice and proofreading

This is the ‘rough draft’ or ‘draft’ of the first episode of my story “The Upside Down”. I still have to add a bunch of things to it and touch it up, give feedback if you’d like to! The first episode is shorter than the rest, keep that in mind haha!

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I just read it! It looks amazing! Good job! @jessica.epi

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I’ll add it to my to-do list and check it out :blob_hearts:

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Thank you!

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Moved to Share Feedback since you’re asking for feedback. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :wink:

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My Short Review

You were missing periods at the end a lot of sentences.
The car overlay infront of the house appeared to glitch for like a second before the scene played.
Sometimes, you have three dots instead of two.
At one point, when they’re in the car, EVAN asks a question but there is so question mark at the end of the sentence.
I noticed you censored the word damn. This word doesn’t need to be censored, I believe.
“smoke coming out of the car, genius?” <- a comma should go between the words car and genius.
The creepy house is actually gorgeous!
"What if there are animals or people in there?" - it would be “if there are” not “if there’s”; also, the sentence should end in a question mark.
Wow, after flying 10 feet in the air and suffering through a fire explosion, Blair is totally fine with no blood!
Amy cares more about clothes than the lives of people, oh my.
OK, I see a love triangle. Amy likes Ryder who likes Blair.
Hmm, wonder who the mysterious Dorjan is?
For some reason, I’m getting déja-vu vibes from this episode!
AMY: So the house has a mind of its own. <- its, not it’s (it + is)
Your zooms and pans are nice. You also have a cool storyline.
She has to wear the outfit or else there will be consquences?
OK, Dorjan is creepy!
When Blair is talking to Ryder in her room, when they’re both dressed in formal attire, every time she speaks, the speechbubble’s tail is coming from Ryder’s direction. So even though she’s speaking, the tail comes from his mouth, which looks awkward.
I would recommend to make the choices golden when we gain points.
When Evan says “I’m going to eat,” he doesn’t do any animation.
The cliffhanger where Evan fell though…
Overall, a very fun and interesting read!

Review written on my phone, by the way.

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Thank you for the review! I’ll make sure to fix those! :blush:

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Hello, Just for a question. Can you help me review and proofread my story contest? and become a beta reader?

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