Advice & Help Needed (LL)

im revamping my story and i need help with introducing my character
what do you think about this scene

INT. DUMPY APARTMENT BEDROOM - DAY
@pause for 2
music off
&cut to zone 2
@MIA changes into Mia_Sleep
sound off
@MIA changes hair into Messy Sock Bun
@MIA changes mouthColor into Beige Rose
&zoom on 438 293 to 200% in 0.6
@MIA spot 0.830 126 200 AND MIA faces right AND MIA is yawn_bored
@add Spell Book Open Grey Black to MIA
@MIA is read_book_open_neutral_loop
@speechbubble is 183 132 to 100%
NARRATOR (MIA)
My name is Mia Ricci.
I am 18 years old
I’m a senior at Pacific Grove School.
I start working at The Littlest Bistro today
@remove Spell Book Open Grey Black from MIA
&speechbubble is 117 232 to 100% with tail_top_right
MIA (read_phone_neutral_loop)
(What time is it)
MIA (read_phone_neutral_loop)
(7.30)
@MIA starts eyeroll_sarcastic
MIA
(Best get ready)
@MIA walks to spot 1.379 415 -25 in 5 AND MIA is walk_exhausted_loop
@transition iris out black

2 Likes

I think that is really good!

1 Like

Yes, Introducing the MC is an important thing in a story…this could work very well, however, just a warning, I’ve seen that many people think “the wake up in the morning and first day at school/work/etc.” is a little cliche. I certainly think it’s good and could be pulled off very well, but that’s just my 2 cents.
I hope this helped…! :purple_heart: :purple_heart:

1 Like

Not to brag or anything, but your advice ALWAYS help! You are literally so good at this!

1 Like

the story is about a school girl/waitress and a billionaire but this is her second week at school plus the story begins with a future event so everything from the day she wakes up to go to school is important to the story

Aww, thanks Jazzy :heart_eyes: :relaxed:

1 Like

Ok, well in that case I think ur good in terms of intro-wise!!
(I mean: don’t fix what aint broke… :sweat_smile:)

in the middle of a bathroom scene i have put a flashback scene about how her adopted parents were horrible to her as well so im trying to give like basic info about her life before she moved to new york but i’m thinking maybe before the future event i explain how she ended up in new york then move to the future event and then go to the story or is that abit much?

1 Like

To be completely honest, I’d have to see it play out… I can’t make a full judgment based on reading it sorry. :frowning_face:
My advice is to pretend your the reader and ask your self, “should I keep reading this?”

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