@Annieways H&V: Challenge Accepted
Hey Annie,
So long story short, I’m up to episode 3, but Idk what happened with your review… I was writing it and then took a break and then came back and it was gone 
As I write everything down as it happens, I can only remember a few of my points Here are some of the points I remember making:
- I love how sarcastic this is. I hate author notes, but I did laugh at things like you talking about the advanced zooms (Would have preferred it on a splash like the sound comment though).
- Episode one was heavy on the narration. I guess it suited, because it was an introduction to set the scene, but perhaps a few more choices would have helped round it out more. The example I would use would be when Felix offers up 5 million dollars, Nathan could have the choice to agree or maybe to increase the amount to 7 million. Just things like that, which won’t change your plot too much, but will still make readers feel included.
- I don’t always like breaking the fourth wall to call out episode, but I did like how you used it to explain the background. On the flip side, I didn’t like it when Tyson used it to talk about gangs. I felt the second time was too close to the first time. However, both comments made me laugh.
- With Cassidy on the train, she needs to be scaled smaller when she’s pressing her face up to the glass. If you looked at where her feet were positioned, it would be like her standing half a meter away from the window. So scaling should fix that.
- Another thing from episode 1 was that when they start, the “baddies” look like they’re running on the spot. I know it would be a pain to swap out the looping background each time, but it is worth it for that natural running look.
- I liked how you brought Bad Boy Bachelor in to it.
- I was laughing the entire time they were breaking Chelsea out of jail. And I was thinking how stupid is that because now they’ll all be wanted by the police and then at the end, that’s what Nathan says! I’m glad your characters state the obvious.
- I think you do a great job and covering any potential plot hole - for example with Chelsea being a criminal, I thought it would be strange to have her on a team with an FBI agent, but then you have Chelsea comment on that, saying she doesn’t like her and so it’s like you fixed that up before I had a chance to call you out on it… If that makes any sense…
Ok, that’s all I can remember originally writing from the first 2.5 chapters (sorry again that I lost everything I wrote). On to halfway through episode 2 and being live…
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I noticed that Nathan hasn’t specifically said he will share his $5 million with them and I’m really hoping that becomes a huge plot twist at the end.
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Careful with your layering in the video scene. Cobra (the one who starts facing rear) is at layer 1, but his feet are lower than everyone else, which would imply he’s closer to the camera and therefore should be layer 4. Unless, you’re trying to make him the short one, in which case, scale him smaller so I can’t see his feet are lower down than the others.
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There was one sentence I found a bit wordy… “How the world is in danger by sandals and socks?” would sound better as “How is the world in danger by sandals and socks?”
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I’m waiting for episode 4 to load now, but just using this time to write a point about how funny this is. It’s like just the right balance between stupid-funny and clever-funny and has made me laugh a lot.
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Where did you get those floor plans?? They look so pro.
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This is a minor thing, but when Miyoko is going over the plans, she’s facing right to talk to Brandon and Nathan, but if you go off of their background, they’d be at the other side of the room, so she should face left.
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The Cassidy and Joe scene, whilst funny, was bordering on becoming a bit too much of a parody. I’d recommend making Cassidy seem a little more upset with Joe at first, instead of her being instantly in love with him. Just a few more lines of dialogue should do the trick I think.
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Chelsea is holding the lipstick prop for a bit too long in the scene before they all do their makeovers to go to the bank. Which by the way, was very clever what you did with the disguises.
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I loathe with a passion that cafeteria background. It’s so annoying that eve though your spot placements are on point, those freaking tables are in the way and make all your characters look like they’re smaller than chairs.
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I would suggest changing the run time of the robbers getting to each side so it looks like they’re catching them before they can keep running. Because at the moment, I can see all our heroes idle for a second as if they’re waiting for the robbers. Even making them go offscreen in both zone 1 and zone 3 could work.
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Oh, Chelsea’s lipstick is back again…
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HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m laughing so hard at Cassidy’s choices at the end of episode 5.
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I found the zooming between character’s at the gun question a little too slow, but you made up for it with Chelsea’s lol-worthy comment.
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When Chelsea says it’s like we’re in an episode story, that’s where I would draw the line. Calling out episode is funny, but in small doses. Like I’d honestly limit it to once per story.
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I’m really starting to feel sorry for Miyoko. She’s trying so hard with this mission, and she’s an FBI agent for crying out loud. She could do better than these idiots.
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Another sentence I feel was worded weird was Nathan explaining why he went to the Bahamas… Try something like “I got tired of listening to you complain.”
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This mini-montage of Chelsea and Brandon was cute. I like how you really drew that out. I thought by the third transition it would cut to them kissing, but no, you made us wait! Good job.
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Chelsea says “in one condition” but it should be “on one condition”.
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Oooh I see that big red button and I just know something big is about to happen!
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This thing has been bugging me every time I start a new episode… Why is “challenge” in the center but “accepted” is to the right.
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I absolutely love this plot twist that the gang leader isn’t actually that dumb. I feel with stories like this, they always end so quickly, because MC is just so great that they save the day with no problems. But this is great, because every time Nathan and Co get close, there’s another obstacle in their way.
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Chelsea standing there blowing kissing over and over again
And then Brandon coming in with the grenades comment. How do you come up with this?? -
When Joe’s explaining his name, “I couldn’t find yet the best suitable name, okay?” You can get rid of the yet, it’s not needed.
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Oooh, we’re back with the opening scene. This makes me worried, because it feels like the story is coming to an end but I don’t want it to.
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I still have the same issue with it looking like he’s running on the spot. I sort of get you have to have it that way, because of the dude who’s doing the gun hold animation, but it looks like he’s running a treadmill lol.
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So does becoming real superheroes mean this will be some type of series?
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OMG Cassidy is an idiot. Wouldn’t she have known there were cameras? Wait, no. Nathan’s an idiot, why didn’t he telepath out of the ropes. Oh and Chris talking about his new guy before… I want to make a theory that it’s the gang member that wasn’t attracted to Chelsea.
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“You look so gay. I love it” HAHAHAHAHA
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The placement of the dog in the bag looks awkward. Is it supposed to be on the chair thing in the wardrobe or on the floor or flying? Because it looks like it’s flying.
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Oh, gosh. Chris’s text had me laughing.
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Yay, the money is back on the table which means the story isn’t nearly over.
Aaaaand I’m at the end. I really enjoyed this. I’m big on comedy and this had me laughing a lot. So much so that I can look past the few cheap jokes to really appreciate the clever ones. And I can’t believe I haven’t stalked you on Episode before! I see you around on forums and so I’m surprised I never tried to find you on the app before. I hope your other stories are as good as this, because I plan on reading them sometime.