@Maya6 - The Star Necklace
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I’m not going to lie, your warnings worry me. Sounds like it will be a heavy story
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Your use of overlays and spotting so far is great, but story line feels like it’s moving very fast and it’s hard for me to understand what’s going on and to keep up.
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If all these girls are sister, shouldn’t they all look a bit more similar? Some of them look nothing alike.
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I know you keep saying this doesn’t represent your values but having a character (the grandma) say she can’t wait to teach him how to hit girls is… Well, it’s not the best way to word what you are trying to portray. You have already shown that the grandma doesn’t like girls plenty of times, so having that one sentence was just a bit too much in my opinion.
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I like how you made those two stories link up so that the parents ended up finding Mayah
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Her becoming a famous 17 year old felt random to me. I am guessing this will be relevant later on? It just seems like a bit of a stretch to be famous and still go to school though.
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Hmmmmm I’m about half way through now and I’m not sure what to say yet. It feels like I’m waiting for things to link back so I can make sense of it but they haven’t yet.
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The cat is so cute
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Oooh ok, now I feel like the dots are starting to connect. So Nael is actually related to Mayah. Interesting.
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Episode 5 and 6 have both been a bit too short, you might want to go back and add more scenes
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I thought it was interesting to have a character with diabetes.
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And I have to be honest, I’m back to feeling like it’s just all not connecting enough. To the point where it’s hard for me to comment because I feel like I’m not seeing the full picture. The past four episodes could probably do with some more scenes that help tie in the storyline more because it feels like a lot of new events happen whole old ones are not addressed.
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Grandma’s backstory was sad. One would think that would make her fight for women’s rights more but I guess not
Overall, I think you are talented at directing, but the storyline needs to be developed a bit more. If you plan on addressing things later in the story, you can’t forget about them for too long because readers will forget too. It just felt like too much happened that never got sorted out but also never gets mentioned again. Like the sister that was hit. Maybe you could elaborate more on her recovery and how she feels about her brother.
I also feel like the abuse might be just a little bit too much. You need to be careful how you word things. Here’s something from the content guidelines:
Hate speech does apply to genders and since it says passing references is allowed, I think you could cut back on a few of the more “blunt” comments so it doesn’t seem excessive. That’s just my opinion. No matter how many disclaimers you put, it still might upset someone so it’s better to be safe than sorry.
My other issue I touched on briefly was the look of the family and how they weren’t looking like they were related. There is this great CC template you might benefit from here: CC Templates and Family Templates (LL and Ink) (UPDATED 11-24-2019) and I would recommend you use it since there are so many siblings.