Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Cool, thanks for letting me know :slight_smile:

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@Maya6 - The Star Necklace

  • I’m not going to lie, your warnings worry me. Sounds like it will be a heavy story

  • Your use of overlays and spotting so far is great, but story line feels like it’s moving very fast and it’s hard for me to understand what’s going on and to keep up.

  • If all these girls are sister, shouldn’t they all look a bit more similar? Some of them look nothing alike.

  • I know you keep saying this doesn’t represent your values but having a character (the grandma) say she can’t wait to teach him how to hit girls is… Well, it’s not the best way to word what you are trying to portray. You have already shown that the grandma doesn’t like girls plenty of times, so having that one sentence was just a bit too much in my opinion.

  • I like how you made those two stories link up so that the parents ended up finding Mayah

  • Her becoming a famous 17 year old felt random to me. I am guessing this will be relevant later on? It just seems like a bit of a stretch to be famous and still go to school though.

  • Hmmmmm I’m about half way through now and I’m not sure what to say yet. It feels like I’m waiting for things to link back so I can make sense of it but they haven’t yet.

  • The cat is so cute

  • Oooh ok, now I feel like the dots are starting to connect. So Nael is actually related to Mayah. Interesting.

  • Episode 5 and 6 have both been a bit too short, you might want to go back and add more scenes

  • I thought it was interesting to have a character with diabetes.

  • And I have to be honest, I’m back to feeling like it’s just all not connecting enough. To the point where it’s hard for me to comment because I feel like I’m not seeing the full picture. The past four episodes could probably do with some more scenes that help tie in the storyline more because it feels like a lot of new events happen whole old ones are not addressed.

  • Grandma’s backstory was sad. One would think that would make her fight for women’s rights more but I guess not :grimacing:

Overall, I think you are talented at directing, but the storyline needs to be developed a bit more. If you plan on addressing things later in the story, you can’t forget about them for too long because readers will forget too. It just felt like too much happened that never got sorted out but also never gets mentioned again. Like the sister that was hit. Maybe you could elaborate more on her recovery and how she feels about her brother.

I also feel like the abuse might be just a little bit too much. You need to be careful how you word things. Here’s something from the content guidelines:

Hate speech does apply to genders and since it says passing references is allowed, I think you could cut back on a few of the more “blunt” comments so it doesn’t seem excessive. That’s just my opinion. No matter how many disclaimers you put, it still might upset someone so it’s better to be safe than sorry.

My other issue I touched on briefly was the look of the family and how they weren’t looking like they were related. There is this great CC template you might benefit from here: CC Templates and Family Templates (LL and Ink) (UPDATED 04-17-2019) and I would recommend you use it since there are so many siblings.

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Plz help me how to remove the hate speech what sentences should I remove

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The exes beach house (I did only 3 chapters for now)

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Uhhh, this is hard for me to answer as it can be referenced in passing and I’m not exactly sure how Episode defines that. If I were you, I would change it so Grandma focuses more on praising her grandson and/or telling women it’s their job is to be housewives. That, to me, doesn’t seem as hateful as when Grandma talks about teaching males to abuse females, for example. I just think that it’s easy for the reader to understand so it doesn’t need to keep being brought up. In saying all this, you might be better off sending a ticket so they can review it for you. That way you know for sure that you’re not crossing a line.

Thank you @amberose for the wonderful, detailed and constructive review of my first ever Episode story Crimson Red. :heart_eyes::heart::two_hearts:

Thank you so much for also changing my review from public to private on request, you are truly amazing and a professional. Your story review was totally worth the wait. I see why you are in very high demand! :pray::heart::raised_hands:

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Hi @amberose. Would you mind reviewing my story?

Name: Voices In My Head

Author: :alien: BatGirl :alien:

Description: You’re a normal girl, with a normal life. There is only one thing holding you back… your schizophrenia.

Chapters: 4

Covers:
Small
6c063271044a7abdecdec46039dcc2ce1760b6db_2_500x500

Large

(The covers were done by @Abimations4)

All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

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@writeslondon - Figures

  • Ooh this feels like it’s moving quite fast already. Are we not going to get to learn more about what that first scene was all abuot?

  • In that outdoors scene, your background pops up and then there’s a millisecond delay and then your characters pop up. Try replacing @ with & when you set up your scene to avoid that.

  • I’ve seen it a couple of times so far. A few times too many to tell you every sentence, but you keep forgetting to capitalise the letter “I” whenever someone is speaking about themselves

  • Oh um, that escalated quickly. Lol. Why is she kissing him in a bathroom? Hahahaha

  • In addition to the letter “I” thing, you also have some words that start with capital letters when they’re in the middle of a sentence.

  • At the party, you must have at some point set the speechbubble to point to the top left and then not reset it? Everyone’s speechbubble tail is pointing top left and it’s carried on into episode 3 too :grimacing:

  • “He’s to charming” - you used the wrong to/too after Alex’s text. Side note: in another message from unknown you said “YOUR DEAD” it should be “you’re” but I’m not sure if it was intentional since it’s like text slang to shorten words :thinking:

  • I laughed when Bianca said “I hate parties, I’m going home.” - To readers, it looks like she’s been there for 5 minutes lol

  • Ooh, I liked that mini flashback for episode 4. I’m not sure how familiar you are with filters, but adding one for the flashback might give it a bit of a wow-factor?

  • I’m still feeling a bit iffy about Bianca getting treated so horribly though, as Alex puts it. Hailey doesn’t seem that bad. Just the type of friend who’s a little obnoxious at times. It’s as if I’m missing context? I was going to wait til the end to talk about it, but may as well say it now… since your episodes are really short and I’m commenting that it feels fast paced, you might want to go back in and add more scenes. Add some more background information, add some more of the characters personalities and such. It’s just hard to get a sense of who they are in such a short amount of time.

  • Why is Hailey kicking her out though? :weary:

  • When Alex says “Alright then, the car is here”, Bianca is still doing a talking animation. Add in her doing an idle animation so it doesn’t look like she’s talking at the same time.

  • Typo where Courtney says “I don’t know you thats well.” - Take of the ‘s’ at the end of “that”

  • Ditching in the first day of a job is a bit of a stretch in terms of making your story feel realistic, but I’ll be interested to see if this is an important moment for the plot.

  • Okay, it just ended so I’m really not sure if it is :sweat_smile:

I feel like I have very weird feedback for you and I’m about to ramble, but idk stick with me nd hopefully it will make sense. See, it was way too short and considering there was 5 episodes, I should have a sense of what your story is about and I just don’t feel like there was enough direction to say that I do. Despite that, I really ship your characters…? Which is weird. I’ve gone way off romance stories this year and so it’s weird for me to actively want two characters to get together. But idk. I just like Alex I guess. And I also weirdly see a lot of potential in Hailey too. Like I think she could be a stuck up bitch that readers love to hate. She could probably do with a lot more development, but she doesn’t seem like she has to be an all round villain either. The foster kid element was hardly touched on - if you really want your story to be about drama (you said it was romance here, but it’s in drama on the app), you can show a lot more of Bianca’s backstory. It’s not enough to just say she’s sad and have only one small flashback scene at the beginning. Drama doesn’t have to just be about your main couple either, so if you’re sticking to that genre, I’d say to amp it up more and show all aspects of Bianca’s life. So I guess what I’m saying is that I see potential in your story solely because I like the characters, but would like to see more direction in the already existing episodes because your plot right now is not quite as strong.

2 Likes

@Addivi101 - Here Comes Trouble

  • Nice bedroom background

  • Jack needs to have a capital letter when Ellie says “Did you forget I was dating jack?”

  • And “You” needs to have a capital letter when Ruby responds since it was the start of a new sentence.

  • I love the blue mannequins

  • Not that I support violence, but I love how you used the scar in the outfit to show he hurt her

  • I think you’ve said the f word too many times. It’s a limit of five swear words per episode

  • Consider changing BG2’s look and name so she doesn’t look like a default character

Ok well… Since it was pretty short, it’s hard for me to really say much. I’m not sure what this story is actually about yet, but assuming you haven’t finished episode 1 yet, I’m sure you’ll explain it more to readers. I would suggest trying to add more choices though. There was two outfit ones, but some choice of dialogue and what the reader should say in a reply is probably a good idea to include too

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Thank you so much for your review (once more) :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
I still cannot believe that the story is completed, I can remember the first time I discovered your thread and I had just the first chapter. Your reviews have always been extremely helpful and I am so grateful for that :blush:

I will definitely look at the layering and some directing issues. I am always back to this but there is always something that I don’t cover :smile:

I personally am not a fan of the last night but for Darja’s and Daniel’s relationship, it was quite important. Mostly it was some sort of goodbye for her in case they never got back together. She just felt like it was the right the to do to possibly close the chapters of her life with Daniel. Maybe she was hoping that it would influence him to open his eyes but the important aim was for her to be able to close it and be okay with that. Especially after what they had been thoughts she did not want to experience the end without a proper goodbye. It certainly wasn’t written with the aim of Theo finding out about them. He just realized that his father might be having an affair but he didn’t expect it to be with Darja - the Queen, the teacher and his mother.

The thing between Sally and Erle was never real, he was just making sure he protects his Queen and she was in the way, so he had to take care of her as well. And he was very well aware that she is going after money and status. But nothing really ever happened between them even though she thought so. He was never interested in her. She was but now her priority was Daniel. She was just creating some foundation for their future possible relationship because who knows what would happen after the wedding with Daniel. Daniel always knew that the baby was not his but he never cared. He just took it as it was and accepted that because Sally was also taking care of Theo and he is not hers.

I think that the fact that Erle died and confessed her feelings towards Darja was such an important moment of the story and she even mentioned that later on. Daniel is not the only man that could be in love with her and also that she can be in love with a different man as well. To her, it was such a turning point of her life and her view on the relationships. She realized that she would be actually happy with Erle if things were different for them.

The ending…something I am extremely proud of. It was never meant to be different. Of course, I wanted them to have their happily ever after. But it was never meant to be for them. That is also the reason why the lost their second baby. It wasn’ t meant to be and their relationship was too destroyed to exists again. I also felt like it’s important that she would get her relationship with Erle in a way. And then she was waiting for Daniel to finally be with him in peace which they finally had.

I invested so much energy into character development and I think it is very interesting to take each of the characters and look at their journey. Which I think is something that has the potential to make this story special because it’s very complex.

Jesus, I can see that I am writing too much :crazy_face: I always get so passionate about it that I don’t know when to stop :roll_eyes:

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@xinxmyxeye - Scars

  • Agree about the description. It’s not quite clicking… I’ll expand on that after I read though

  • Oooh that shot was cool. I love the overlay you used to make it look like we were watching from the POV of the shooter.

  • The dream was interesting. I liked the zooms on Eve’s face. Idk how to explain it but I feel like there is a certain type of zoom action stories use and that’s right in line with it.

  • I don’t have much to add for this first episode. It was a decent length and directing was great… But I felt like there was little context at the beginning? Like Eve was the assassin, right? I just feel like other than the beginning, it wasn’t really touched on. Maybe you need some more narration from Eve’s POV to establish the plot.

  • In James Miler’s montage thing (idk what to call it), Officer Hazel says “He could spend every night in a strip club and enjoyed the dancers’ more private shows of dancers” - the sentence is a bit too wordy. Maybe just end it at private shows?

  • Oh yuck! Andrew is disgusting

  • I feel like you might have gone over the five swear words limit per episode already in episode 2

  • And btw, I chose to have a shower and, well, naked kissing is also against the guidelines. Even with censor bars, you still aren’t allowed to include it :confused:

  • I have to say… I hate Rick’s outfit with a passion. That jacket with those jeans with that shirt just makes me cringe lol

  • Hazel when she’s talking about Andrew says “he recorded how he was raping” - it should just be “he record himself raping”

  • I really like Aria’s characterization. You can get a sense of who she is even with how she dresses sometimes.

  • Eve mention leaving Aria “by her own” - it should either be “by yourself” or “on your own”

  • I am pretty sure if you count up the fuck’s, shit’s and whore’s in episode 3 you have used them more than 5 times. I wasn’t counting so maybe you are right on the line, but it just felt like there was a lot in episode 3

I feel like I didn’t actually write down many notes, lol, whoops. But I was pretty interested in the plot. I don’t usually like reading heavy subjects on episode, but the mystery and law side of this really pulled me in and I found it fascinating. It’s sad, but things like rape cases getting covered up because a person in a position of power would risk their position if it was in the public is totally believable and I thought it was an interesting subject you chose to explore. I’m also now wondering how that cliff hanger ending for episode 3 will be tied into the plot, so you’ll definitely hook your readers with that. The only thing I felt it was missing was more context to kind of set up the plot and give the readers a bit more of an establishment. It’s hard to balance this though, without doing an info dump, but you may want to add in a little something something in episode one or two so we can learn a bit more about Eve’s job and maybe how she got into it? Or maybe you’ve already planned to explore it in upcoming episodes anyway. Idk, it was just the one thing I had on my mind since the beginning… But now that I think about, explaining why she does it probably gives away a lot of the mystery… So maybe just some basic info that explains, like, that this is what Eve has done for however long…?

Andddddd as for the description… I think now after reading it, it might be better to focus on the specifics of the plot and not about Eve’s past or her personality. Something about the “revenge crimes” or the “playing God crimes” and how Eve finds herself in the middle of it or connected or something along those lines

6 Likes

@jiya.episode - Take My Heart

  • Okay so to start of with, that first choice is, uh, concerning(?) The way it’s worded bothers me more than anything because I think by romance, you mean that there will be sex? But when you sum it up and group it with violence and sexual assault, it’s like… well, they’re just not on the same level. Also, depending on content, that’s not a very good trigger warning.
    *Ooh male POV?

  • Lol, his backstory reminds me of Justin Bieber

  • For the scene outside backstage, it might look more real if you add BG characters for paparazzi and fans

  • Just a warning, you’re only allowed 5 lines of any song per episode. So you had too many of that Shawn Mendes song

  • When you go to the next morning, there was a lag with the fade in. Try placing all of Shawn’s spot placements with “&” and then having the transition, like this:

&SHAWN spot x y z AND SHAWN faces right AND SHAWN is idle_loop_rear
@transition fade in

  • When Noah walks into the scene, he’s at the wrong layer. It might be better if he enters from the right side anyway though

  • I can sorta tell that all the extras in the flashback are stock characters. I’d recommend changing up their looks and outfits, so they look unique. It makes it look like you put in more effort.

Well, episode one was a great length, but without the other two episodes, you risk getting it suspended. (It happened to Dara Amarie’s story) I think that from what I can tell of the storyline, it’s pretty good. I can imagine the general episode market will eat it up lol. I’m still concerned about that first choice though… It’s hard to tell what your plans are from only one episode, but if you’re heading down the path of violence and sexual assault, just make sure to do your research and add in a clearer trigger warning

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Thank you for your feedback. I will work on it. :slight_smile:

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Hahahaha, this was great to read through. I think something I haven’t mentioned yet is that for an unrealistic premise (a queen going in disguise as a teacher), your characters actions were a lot more realistic than most in other episode stories. Like the events that took place are more or less what would go down in real life and having that balance is not something most author’s would be able to get right. Anyway, congratulations on finishing it again :blush:

And thank you. Whenever I don’t get replies from people who I reviewed, I kinda get very deflated and wonder why I even bother. But then seeing authors like you grow and actually finish your story too makes up for that :smiley:

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Hey, I just wanted to let you know what all I did. And thank you so much for your feedback.

Okay so to start of with, that first choice is, uh, concerning(?) The way it’s worded bothers me more than anything because I think by romance, you mean that there will be sex? But when you sum it up and group it with violence and sexual assault, it’s like… well, they’re just not on the same level. Also, depending on content, that’s not a very good trigger warning.
*Ooh male POV?

I removed the choice and just explained it. I will give the readers a warning when it actually happens again.

  • Lol, his backstory reminds me of Justin Bieber

Lol, I honestly have no clue about his backstory. I kinda just randomly made Shawn’s backstory.

For the scene outside backstage, it might look more real if you add BG characters for paparazzi and fans

Where exactly do you mean here? Is it where Stacy is introduced or Shawn’s interview? I did include paparazzi and fans if it’s during Shawn’s interview on the backstage.

Just a warning, you’re only allowed 5 lines of any song per episode. So you had too many of that Shawn Mendes song

I fixed this already. :slight_smile:

you risk getting it suspended.

Lol, it already did. I am working on episodes 2 and 3 right now.

it’s pretty good. I can imagine the general episode market will eat it up lol.

Hopefully :joy: and thank you :slight_smile:

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Is it the same link as the first time? Hahaha

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That sounds perfect

Wow. You are brave then lol. What did they say when you updated it again without episode 2?

Its outside where he’s getting asked of he’s dating Stacy… Maybe it glitches but I didn’t actually see any other character :sweat_smile: lol

Oh my gosh, I’m responding so late, I feel bad :sweat_smile:
I’m pretty sure it should be the same link as before. It’s not a different story, so I don’t think it should’ve changed. :smile:

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@Farah_DeSantis - The Dark Club

  • Please please please please don’t start with an author’s note! Especially to explain that English is not your first language! It’s not something you should apologize for. People need to stop forgetting how much of an accomplishment it is to write and code a whole story on episode in a language that is not your first. So yeah, don’t be sorry.

  • Freaky! Kate looks almost identical to me

  • Ah, the coffee background looks so good.

  • When Brian breaks up with Kate, he uses the wrong breake/brake. It should be the one I’ve just used.

  • Also, since this is a flashback, you might want to change Kate’s outfit.

  • I’m kinda laughing at this whole sex club talk :joy:

  • When CJ said “You can dance if you want to” - I started thinking of this song https://youtu.be/0QDKLglEP5Y lol

  • Geez, CJ is bold :flushed:

  • Hahaha, ok so this might be a weird comment but so far I am getting like 50 shades of grey kind of vibe. Not sure if that was your intention, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing… Just an observation I am picking up on based on how a few conversations were worded.

  • I really love all of your backgrounds. That reception was is cute AF.

  • Is that Brian in the background?

  • Oh, it is! Hahaha.

  • I love how you included Mr Drake’s CC and slipped it into the storyline

  • Small typo when Kate’s busy having an anxiety attack in front of Mr Drake (lol) - you missed one of the L’s in “yellow”

  • Also forgot the E and the end of “good bye”

  • CJ says “newer” liked him. It should be “never”.

  • I love the costumes and I love the club. Great job at spotting!

  • SKsksks, okay with that author interruption, I was about to tell you how blah blah blah don’t do it but now knowing that you’re substituting the helmet as an eagle mask… I understand lol. I understand.

  • You have spelled “hello” as “hallo” - not sure if this is because you want to give the character a type of accent or if it’s just a typo haha

  • One hour hotel LOL. I just find this whole concept mized with Kate’ innocence kind of funny actually. It makes me laugh

  • Hahahaha, the way she fell and then crawl was funny - nice spotting, it was smooth

Ok, so I’m not reading three since there was that little message at the beginning. I quite liked it and I didn’t think I was going to after I made the 50 shades comparison (sorry, again) lol. Your directing was flawless, I felt like episodes were a good length and that conversations flowed well. There were a few typo and grammar errors, but I still knew what you meant and it didn’t make the story hard to follow. Honestly, if you are worried, you could get a proof-reader and they could check it over for you too. Just… I don’t know what your plans are but like obvs I’m expecting the VIP rooms to get a lot of use so just make sure you follow the guidelines when the time comes. Anyway, let me know when it’s out, I’m kinda keen to see where this goes :v:

3 Likes

Not late at all! HAHAHA, I just saw it in my app with “SNEAK PEEK” added to it so I wasn’t sure if you had a different link for the whole story and the link I have was some kind of tester one lol. But no worries :+1:

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