Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Hey @amberose! Thanks for creating this thread! I`d love to get a review!
My story : Let the demon inside


Gender: Supernatural romance
Description: You have to move back to Dimwood because of your brother. What will you find there? Love, death or supernatural friends?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4876381520789504

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First of all I have to admit I was really afraid of your comment on my author’s notes :smiley: But I was curious if it was clear from the beggining I intended this to be sarcastic, and I’m glad this actually came across.
I also hoped you would spot out some English and directing errors I wasn’t aware of, and yay, you did! This really helps a lot, thank you so much!

It’s like just the right balance between stupid-funny and clever-funny

Oh my Gosh, do I really have clever-funny jokes? :smiley:

Where did you get those floor plans??

Sorry to disappoint you, but I just stole it from Google images…

I want to make a theory that it’s the gang member that wasn’t attracted to Chelsea.

Ahh, I’m so predictable! :smiley: I was gonna reveal this in the next chapter.

Okay, so I could comment on almost everything you wrote, but I will just say thank you for sharing this and special thanks for writing the first part twice. I’m glad you enjoyed my story and I have to add if you are planning to read the others, I wouldn’t really recommend ‘Nice Try’. This was my first story, which is the perfect example for “it will get better after chapter 15” :smiley: I’ve recently started to revise it, but since it’s completed I can’t really change the plot (which is actually non-existent), but I want to fix some grammar and directing errors at least and make the chapters a bit longer.

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HAHAHA!

Yes, you have clever jokes. Some were obvious, but even those ones had like a clever way of tying in to the story.

I don’t think it was predictable. You just gave me enough breadcrumbs to figure it. I look forward to Chris’ big reveal.

Anyway, I’m glad I could help you out with this review :blush: And for the record, I added Bloggers to my list, because I saw your note about Nice Try being revised, so I figure I’ll read that one after the revising is done (also, don’t you just hate fixing your first story? Been there, done that. Worth it in the end, but it’s sooooo annoying).

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It is annoying, especially when you realize you have no idea what the story is about :smile:

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@SteeleMagnolia - To Love and Be Loved

Hey Steele,

So I guess I sort of know what to expect from this since I contributed to your thread about the love interests. I remember you saying it’s based off of your own experience, so good on you for sharing and turning it in to a story!

  • First point is with your comment about the 18+, I’m guessing you mean that because the characters are 18+ and not the content being 18+? Either way though, you can’t advertise your story as that because episode is an app for 13+ and as such, all stories must be appropriate for 13 year olds. But from what I read in 1-3, I don’t think it is explicit or anything, so I wouldn’t worry about warning everyone that it’s more for an 18+ audience.

  • I think you must have spot positioned your speech bubble, because it’s pointing at Lauren, when Evan is talking. Don’t forget to @speechbubble reset.

  • Ohh, I feel like I should have known that was a dream with the use of filter, but you actually got me by surprise there. Very well done.

  • I like the conversations with Dad don’t feel like they’re just there for filler scenes. It feels like the mean something, and I get the feeling this will end with Dad’s death perhaps.

  • Outside the bookstore, Lauren has a moment where she’s walking on the spot before she actually moves

  • Your episodes are relatively short, both length wise and content wise. If you think about it episode 4 was: a dream > a talk with dad > a phone call And that was it. I noticed you released a major chunk of chapters at once, so having short episodes would actually help people binge read them quicker. But if you think about it, the majority of readers only have 2 or 3 passes built up and have to wait hours for that to reload, so you don’t want them to feel like they got ripped off.

  • The quality of choices in episode 5 was good. It felt like we got an opportunity to get to know the characters. I would have loved to have seen a couple of more questions before that cliff hanger though. Which would have also helped a bit with your length issue.

  • Chapter 6: Do I Wanna Know? … Arctic Monkey’s reference?

  • It doesn’t look like Lauren is sitting on the bar stool quite right. But I think if you move her on the seat, you’d have to move Evan over too.

  • I think Lauren spazzing out like that is a result of drinking, right? If so, perhaps making her a bit more overly drunk before she blurts out her feelings. I know not everyone who drinks gets crazy drunk, but for episode, you sort of need to do write your characters that way so all readers can see it. Because I feel like Lauren is so smart and she’s got her life together, just by the way she talks. So maybe a solution could be something as simple as you have it zoomed out while Evan and Ari are talking and just put Lauren sip_cup_neutral_loop, so that way readers can see that she’s had like 20 “sips” by the time she lashes out.

  • This isn’t really something that’s your fault, but it’s something you should be wary of… In Limelight, when a character finishes an animation, sometimes the position they’re left in when the next character starts talking, doesn’t suit the what’s going on in the scene. An example of this would be the armsraised talking animations. I always try to overcoming this by either
    a) Having &CHARACTER is animation before the next character starts to talk, so that I can make them shiftweight or drink or being awkward or listen nod loop or something.
    b) Zooming from character to character based on who’s talking, so you don’t have to see that the other characters look frozen in a weird pose.
    I’ve scene you do the latter a couple of times, but it’s just with limelight sometimes the characters look so… “frozen”. I really can’t think if a better way to describe it, so I hope you know what I mean.

  • Is Lauren supposed to have her back to Ari when she’s crying about Evan.

  • What you did there at the end of episode 6, with that hint of an eyebrow raise from Ari was such a good moment of foreshadowing. Simple, but effective.

  • The foreshadowing was a trick! :hushed:

  • This is the first time I’m actually seeing a Jewish character in Episode.

  • Your scene outside the bar is a good example of what I was talking about before. Ari’s standing there frozen in some cheeky grin pose, while Lauren’s sighing and obviously embarrassed to admit who her celeb crush is. And again, after he does his whole mindblown animation, she’s doing a flirty talking animation and he’s just stuck there with his hands half risen and his face looking all judgy.

  • I find the relationship between Lauren and her father so unbelievable and yet really nice at the same time. Unbelievable because happy child-parent relationships are never represented in Episode! Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to do that? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: But yeah, it’s nice to see a grown up MC who talks to her father. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve definitely started telling my parents more about my life and what’s going on so I’d say that’s pretty accurate… Although I’d still never talk to my Dad about BOYS!!! LOL!

  • Your fade to white for the camera flash was perfect!

  • There’s a couple of times I’ve seen your character “pop in”. Most of the time it’s after you have the episode title/chapter name, so it’s fine. But I just noticed it when Lauren goes into another dream, her and Evan pop in after the background and not with the background. Making sure you use ‘&’ instead of ‘@’ when doing their placements.

  • The same thing happens when Lauren’s college roomies show up. You need to place them before you pan to the zone they’re standing in, otherwise they’ll just randomly appear.

  • I’ve just noticed sometimes you do the chapter name on a black background and other times you do it on the first scene’s background. I’d suggest doing one or the other, so you have that consistency.

  • Oooh I love the Foo Fighters song. Although, I should probably warn you, you can only use 4 lines of a real song per episode, so I think you went a bit over. Side note: I actually remember reading an annotation of these song lyrics a while ago, and both characters were wrong! Haha, but I guess everything’s up to interpretation with these kinds of things, so maybe they’re right in their own ways.

  • Ok, something I would recommend for the scene where they all eat Evan’s creation is to code it like this
    &LAUREN is animation
    @pause for 0.4
    &EVAN is animation
    @pause for 0.7
    &AIR is animation
    This will get them to eat at the same time but without looking like they’re robots being controlled to eat at the exact same time. You may want to test out the timings though, I was just guessing there.

  • Air leaving is like so obvi he wants to try and set them up! This story is like starting to remind me of this guy I had a thing with in high school, and Ari is like all my friends wrapped into one who tried to push us to be together.

  • In the car, I’d suggest spot directing the speechbubbles so they’re not covering Lauren and Evan’s faces.

  • I thought Lauren’s sister writing an essay about her was hilarious. Hehehe.

  • I liked your montage, it was a great way to show a time lapse. But I’d make sure they change clothes every time it’s a different day.

  • Aww no, Lauren’s dad!!

  • I think Lauren is scaled a little bit too big when she’s trying to get to sleep on the couch.

  • 12 was a really short episode and if you’ve read anything I’ve written about author notes, I’d guess you’d probably see this comment coming, but noooooo! Why did you make Lauren break the fourth wall like that??? I feel like that doesn’t work for the type of story you have. Like even if you had done that in the narration bubble, I would still be like nooooooooooo! Because you haven’t done it in any other episodes and all of a sudden here? If you want to start doing something, maybe make some outro splashes to tell people to follow you? But put them in each episode so you have like a uniform.

  • I was so busy complaining about the sudden broken fourth wall, that I forgot to ask why was Evan already standing up in his room? Was he struggling to sleep as well?

  • This confessional scene where Evan lets her in - physically and emotionally - is the best you’ve done so far. I can see you’ve got a strong attachment here. I’ve been wondering how close to your real life have you actually made this episode. Is this something that actually happened? Evan letting you in or is this a what if he did actually let me in?

  • A nice detail you’ve done is make Evan’s sheets the same color as his bed.

  • Hmmm, interesting place to leave it ending… It’s sort of a cliff hanger but if you changed a few lines, it could also be a sad ending.

Ok so my overall thoughts is basically one big thought and then two sub-thoughts, that if you fixed the sub-thoughts, it would also fix the main thought. So bare with me, this is about to get confusing…

  1. So main overall thought was that the episodes were short.
  2. The relationship seems to move fast, but also slow…? It’s hard to explain this, but I think it’s down to the few time skips that were scattered in the story. So whilst the relationship was slow, I couldn’t see why Lauren had such a big crush on Evan. I loved what you did in episode 10 (or maybe it was 11) where we actually saw time pass. From that, I could tell that Lauren hung out with Ari most of the time and Evan was an occasional guest in their hangouts. If you could do something similar leading up to that to show why Lauren feels what she feels for Evan, it would strengthen my attachment to the characters and would make your episodes longer.
  3. Choices - there weren’t too many, tbh. I think Episode’s guides say a minimum 3 per episode and tbh, I don’t think some of your episodes even reached that. As much as this is based off of your own experience, and therefore, you can’t really give too many choices without heading it in another direction, choices will actually help lengthen your episodes. Especially if you give a choice that then gives you the task of making the two branches end with the same outcome. You’d be surprised how much you can add to an episode by just trying to make choice 1 end the same way choice 2 does so that you can join the paths.

In terms of everything else, spelling and grammar was flawless. The plot was good - I liked that this all linked to Lauren’s dad’s illness. You didn’t add that in there for the sake of it, but it actually contributed to the story line. My only issue with the plot was not seeing Lauren’s crush on Evan develop and it suddenly just being there. I like having a guy friend who is just a friend. I even liked that there were so many cliche opportunities for Evan and Lauren to get together but you managed to draw it out 10+ chapters and didn’t cave to those cliche temptations. Really good work!

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@cathyywrites - Love is a Game

Hey Cathy,

I want to start by saying your cover is gorgeous… Now on to the actual review…

  • Get rid of your PS this is my first story right now!!! Don’t ruin the illusion of the story.

  • Security1 “slides” in. Make sure he walks to spot, then does the talking.

  • Also, if you change his display name, it would look more professional.

  • Security2 also had a bit of a slide in entrance. Give her a bit more time to finish her walk.

  • Now Alessia is sliding in… and Destiny’s sliding in too.

  • I actually had a feeling that was going to be a game of some sort. I really liked that idea for the introduction of your story.

  • If you’re going to use the narration bubbles for Alessia’s thought, it’s better to have it as NARRATOR (ALESSIA) so readers can tell who’s point of view it is.

  • There’s been a couple of times in this second game where you’ve forgotten to write “i” with a capital letter. Just go over that scene to check for it. Update: There’s a lot of times you forget this is episode 2, so check that as well.

  • If you’re using the baby swaddle as shelter, I’d suggest rotating it 180 degrees so it’s upside down. I think that would make it look more like a roof.

  • I’m so confused with this game and the random scene changes. How is she zapping somewhere else all of a sudden? And why is she so big in the stables?

  • I beg you, delete your author note!!! Make a splash instead, but please don’t feel the need to apologize for it being your first story. We’ve all had first stories before, there’s no reason to be sorry!

  • So for episode 1, I’d say there needs to be a little more explaining of the game they’re playing. I think if I had that knowledge, I wouldn’t be so confused. However, I am quite intrigued by this concept. It reminds me of the spotlight contest winner Both Sides of Me, except you seem to have a stronger focus on the game.

  • In episode 2, Alessia seems so anxious at the thought of meeting Gabe in real life, but I don’t think anything that happened in the game would really make her that worried that e would hate her. I think if you made their initial meeting more dramatic, I could understand her being so worried.

  • Also, there needs to be some kind explanation for how they know what each other looks like in real life. Maybe if you take my advice to explain the game more in episode 1, you could also add that it uses this new technology that uploads your real face and body dimensions and that’s why their avatars look the same as them in real life.

  • Gabe and Mark seem to “pop” into the scene when they’re sitting on the couch. Make sure you place them in zone 2 before you pan to the scene. And also scale them a bit smaller so they look the right size to be sitting on that couch. Try and compare where their feet are to where your feet are positioned when you sit on a couch.

  • Alessia looks especially giant when she joins them.

  • When Gabe decides to sleep, he’s on top of Alessia for a sec and then he moves. Make sure when you position him, you time it with the animation. @ GABE spot XYZ AND GABE is animation

  • How old is Alessia supposed to be? If school age, don’t have mom forgive her so easily. She slept at a BOY’S house and din’t even call her mother! She needs some kind of a punishment.

  • After Mark’s phone call, your transition is iris in but you probably wanted that to be iris out.

  • When the shop assistant leaves to find cosplay stuff she “vanishes” and then she enters from left and exits right. I think you can change that line to just “CHARACTER exits right” and it will fix itself.

  • And worker2 was in the wrong zone for that whole conversation.

  • OMG!!! Your dressing game! I helped you code that! I remember that thread HAHAHAHA. I thought it was going to be for a Halloween party based off that thread

  • After I picked my costume, Alessia changed back into a different outfit. You are going to need to add gains to your dress up game earlier in the episode as well.

  • I think you might have forgotten to reset the speech bubble because every speechbubble tail is pointing to the bottom right.

  • Ok, so I’m at the end and I must say I really like your plot. It’s very cute and I don’t see gamers too much on episode, so it feels refreshing. Yes, there were a few directing errors, especially with the characters sliding, but those errors are quite easy to fix. Actually, you’re quite lucky, because most of your coding errors are easy to fix and you’ve only got three episodes to go through and check, so it won’t take you too long either. I think directing is just one of those things where you’ll pick up on those errors yourself as you get more experience. Half the time, it’s just things as simple as using “&” instead of “@”, or making sure you specify what zone someone is standing in. Anyway, if you’re still confused at how to fix something I’ve mentioned, just let me know :grin:

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@wishend - 4 Drunk Strangers

Hey Cherry,

This sounds like something I would definitely read if I stumbled across it on the app, so I’m keen to see where you take it…

  • Interesting way to start! Your splashes are adorbs. And I think I actually really like the way Greg introduces the story.
  • I wasn’t too fond that you explained that there will be drama and blah blah blah. I think your splashes cover everything to be honest, and there’s no need to explain that you’re about to show how each character got to the bar, because you’re about to show it anyway. Just start with Greg with the green writing and go from there.
  • Dad and Ivory’s slow dance has the characters at the wrong layers.
  • Oh my lord… Your packed bar gives me anxiety!!! How did you have the patience to code that??
  • I feel like I’ve seen your choice for the song lyrics somewhere on the forums not too long ago.
  • I’m not sure if that was the right place to end episode 1. It felt a little underwhelming. I think for a story like yours, some kind of huge drama that leaves it a bit on a cliff hanger would suit better.
  • I’m worried that you only have one episode though and you still published. Can I ask your reason behind this?

Anyway, I don’t have much more to add to that since it was the one episode. I think it would be something I like, but don’t really know where it’s heading just yet. The only real error was the layering during the slow dance. My only personal problem I found was that you explained to readers that thing after the splashes, whereas I would say you can just leave it out. And my only real suggestion is to try and make it end on a cliff hanger, so it makes the readers want to keep going.

Side note: All your other stories look really interesting too. You’ve got some interesting ideas if story description is anything to go off of.

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Thank you so much! Your advice was really helpful and I’ll definitely take note of it. There’s only one episode because it’s a pilot and so I just want to see if it’s an idea people will like before trying to continue it.

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Glad I could help. And just because I’m curious, how do you judge whether it’s worth continuing? How many people need to like it? Because tbh I plan to read on, but I’ll be sad if you never end up continuing :roll_eyes:

Good question, and I’m not exactly sure. I guess by how many reads it gets? And your opinion on that will help too. It’s also because I have a bad habit of whenever I get a good idea, I get hooked on it and start working on it immediately so that means I have a lot of other stories in the works and am kind of just seeing where they all go before really making them extra long.

That’s really interesting to hear, because I think I’m like the total opposite to you. I could never put out a story, but have the status of it up in the air. I’m like so determined to finish anything that I start, even if there’s no reads on it.

I imagine your “manage your stories” section in the portal is packed with all your story ideas hahahaha

Oh my god, yeah. For sure :joy:. Anyways, props to you for being so determined. I could take a few tips.

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Thank you really much!

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You’re welcome

@TheTurtleTrainer - Exorcism of Phoebe

I actually remember reading Kaleidoscope by you a while back, so I half know what to expect from you in terms of directing. This one sounds creepy. Haven’t read to many horror/thrillers before, so we’ll see how I go…

  • Wow, this starts off straight into the action. You must have so much patience to work with those overlays!

  • I’d recommend speeding up the time it takes to do the symbol on the mirror. It was a little too slow.

  • When Lucifer and Phoebe are in the cave, Lucifer is standing rear, facing the cave and not Phoebe, right? Because when it switches back, sometimes Lucifer stays idle_loop_rear and so it looks like he is facing Phoebe. And when Phoebe runs up to him, she needs to be back a layer, because sometimes her elbow goes in front of Lucifer.

  • Wow at that overlay of Lucifer.

  • This is intriguing. I’m cringing a little at the way he says “why am I so excited about her sole, she’s just a regular christian girl”. It’s starting to remind me of Matchmaker by Alex Light. Like you have a darker, more evil version of that cupid character.

  • The girl who faints, before fainting, it looks light she’s sitting really high in the air and not on a chair.

  • I love that you’ve added the 7 sins.

  • A little plot hole… They change into uniforms, but the other students aren’t wearing uniforms?

  • The two girls kissing by the lockers, look awkwardly placed. If you look at their feet, blondie looks like she’s further back than the three girls standing at the lockers, but the brunettes feet are closer to the camera, so it makes it look like they’d be too far apart (I hope you know what I mean, because I’ve confused even myself in trying to explain it)

  • Aha, ignore my comment about the uniform. I spoke too soon.

  • When Lucifer kisses her, he’s behind her. Move him to layer 2

  • I like how your endings seem so sudden. Idk if that’s intentional, but it suits the them to just have it end, rather than with a bunch of splashes telling your readers to follow you on insta and thanks for reading.

  • The way you fade Lucifer in is perfect. It really works well for the scenes that you use it in.

  • Your episodes are a little on the short side and lack choices. I know it can be hard to add choices when you want the plot to go a certain way, and the fact that Phoebe doesn’t have control is also hard to add choices to, but try and a few more “pointless” choices. Things like choice to scream or cry. It might not seem like a big deal, but readers will still feel like they are choosing how Phoebe responds to things, so it builds a sort of attachment between reader and MC.

  • I didn’t understand her makeover where you said CC was removed. Was this because you used to have it?

  • I liked Phoebe’s entrance after her make over. That was directed well.

  • The conversation between Lust and Phoebe was a bit anti-climatic. But was this because I made the wrong choice?

  • And the picking of the Love Interest felt kind of sudden, considering Phoebe had only actually talked to Lust so far.

  • You can probably guess what I’m going to say about that note at the end, but like whyyyyyy. Why are you apologizing? If you think about it, majority of your future readers will not be up to date with all of your releases. So people who find your story when you’re up to episode 6, will read that message and just be confused.

  • Another note I want to make about your note. You said you were sorry it was short, but if you yourself think it’s too short, then fix it up. You’re the one with the power to add more in. You should publish things you’re happy with, not something you felt pressured to post because it had been too long.

So I don’t really have anything to add. It’s not as scary as I thought it would be (although I feel like it might get worse in later episodes), I just think there needs to be more filler scenes - particularly between the 7 sins and Phoebe, and the 7 sins and Lucifer. But you’ve got a very intriguing plot.

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Thank you! I was actually thinking of revamping it, these will come in handy :smile:

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You’re welcome. Glad to hear it :smile:

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@gisellec The Ember Moon Pack

Hey Giselle,

Here’s my thoughts on your story, which is one letter away from my name :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

  • First note is on your author note… If you read my OP you’ll know I’m going to comment on this, but why?? Why tell your readers what’s in the first 2 episodes, when they’re about to start reading it anyway. And don’t say sorry. Even if there are a few errors in the script, who really cares at the end of the day? Most people will keep reading if there’s only one or two errors so there’s really no need to apologize for something that hasn’t even started.
  • I like that my “name” appears above the bubble. A lot of people leave it as “YOU” when they let you choose the name. But I can see you’ve gone the extra mile.
  • There was a little moment there where the bedroom background was showing and then the MC’s head popped up on the pillow. Make sure you use “&” so everything is placed at the same time.
  • I’d suggest making Ava and Rosa not look so “default”. Ava looks the exact same as one of the characters in the character creator, Rosa looks like only her hair has been changed, and they’re both wearing default clothes. It looks so much physically appealing when all your background characters are unique.
  • The choice to apologize was spelled wrong.
  • The characters “popping” in again happened outside the house gates. The car and background was there, but the characters were delayed. Don’t forget to be using the & instead of @
  • I like seeing that my choices matter.
  • Ruso was stuck on a looping animation, so when Ethan walked away, it looked like he was still talking.
  • Not a fan of having a whole episode dedicated to CC, But I see now why Rosa and Ava looked default-ish now… It’s because we were going to customize them…
  • This isn’t to do so much with your story, but just be careful what you say to your readers. Telling them you’ll try and update 2 episodes each week is something they will hold against you if you’re late lol.
  • I feel like the whole “we’re wolves” conversation needs to be made more clear. Maybe you can make some kind of choice template so the reader might get like 4 or 5 questions to ask…? I’d love to see the “what about my family?” question in there.
  • Also, I’m assuming the love interest that takes me to my room, was my crush from school, right? The one that was throwing the party? I remember MC saying his original name when she first showed up at the house. I think there needs to be a more clear introduction of him too.
  • I think MC is a little too accepting of the situation. If you were in her shoes, I think you’d be doing a little more freaking out/demanding people to explain how you became the queen of supernaturals.
  • Well, MC finally asked about her parents, but tbh I wasn’t satisfied. Obviously Episode isn’t known for realism, but I would love to see a more realistic reaction from MC.
  • I’d suggest changing the police’s default names so we don’t see number 1 and number 2
  • Episode 4 was like, super short. I was surprised because most of your other episodes have been an alright length.

I think I could totally get on board with this story if MC would be a little more dramatic about the situation. She’s too accepting of something so insane (maybe you could add in the beginning of the story that she’s always believed in this type of stuff, so that her reaction is more believable?). Because I’m a bit of a drama queen in real life and freak out about everything, I found it hard to relate to MC because she was so calm. That was my main issue with your story. Spelling and directing was great, there was only a few directing errors with the popping in of characters. And I think it’s the perfect set up to do a love quadrangle plot, not all stories suit multiple love interests, but I think this one definitely works.

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Hi! So I see you’ve got a waiting list, but I don’t mind waiting a bit if I need to, so just take your time and get to it when you can. Thank you for doing these, you’re a real lifesaver!

Details - A romantic tragedy set in a Renaissance Era fantasy world involving vampires and other fantastical creatures.
Title - Bite Me
Author - Rosalind
Episodes - 4 (ongoing, and 4 is still being written)
Description - Haunted by the mistakes of her ancestor, Elizabeth enters a world of dark politics and supernatural beings. Will she find romance among the tragedy? Or will it bleed her dry?
Cover -
Bite%20Me%20Cover%20Vertical
Link -

I haven’t published anything yet, nor do I intend to until I’ve got five complete chapters. That’s probably going to take me awhile, because I’m still new to episode and the coding thing has me on a bit of a learning curve any time I try to do something new. Thanks again for reviewing!

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Hey Rosalind. There’s only one before you on the waiting list, so it should take me too long to get around to it

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