@Madhu - Black Hearts Golden Desires
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Intro’s nice and flashy.
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The backstory was a bit wordy… But it’s necessary, so there’s not much you can do to change that anyway. It’s just a personal thing of mine where I can’t focus with on too much narration… Though the making her own planet thing I found an interesting origin story.
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Hahahaha, wait… So are you the main character? Or is your forum name based off of your main character? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
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Oh wow, episode 1 felt pretty short. I didn’t even really write anything down. I feel like I was waiting for a clear plot to shape, but it was just so short that the cliff hanger at the end didn’t have a strong enough impact to hook me yet.
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I love the overlay you added for Nand when she lifts Nigil off the floor. I think that works better than the fade colours you have used previously.
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What’s Sanjay doing? Lol. He just met her, no?
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Episode 2 was pretty short as well… Thought the cliff hanger this time felt much more engaging.
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The spotting in this throne scene is great. They really look like children here haha
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When they go to training, bring William forward a layer so he looks like he’s walking in front of Nand.
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I know they’re training, but what with the height difference and all, it makes me really uncomfortable to see William hit his daughter square in the face. The ink punch animations look soooo aggressive too.
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Ooooh eye flashing colors is cool
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Okay, so I really hate author notes. I know you might feel like you need to apologize but you don’t. It’s your story. However, if you are feeling bad about not having choices, then maybe you should go back and add them in? You want to be happy with your story at the end of the day. I know most people prefer having choices, but there are stories successful without it too… So at the end of the day, it’s up to you. Just don’t apologize for whatever you decide to do
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Your outros for episode 4 were off centre… It was like they were in zone 2?
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There’s been a few times I think you were at risk of exceeding the swear limit count. I’m not really counting but I think episode 5 you had more than 5 swear words. You might want to count the swears in your other episodes too because there’s been a few.
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I love the background characters in episode 6 at the beginning, but they look like the default ones. I’d strongly recommend changing up their looks and outfits to make it look more realistic.
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After the rooftop scene, I think you meant to fade out, but you did a fade in transition right before the “meanwhile” narrator bubble
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I think you might have said the f-word too many times in this episode too
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I feel like Kriti is going to lose Sanjay to Nand lol
Okay, so… I feel like you will probably hate my advice as you have 7 episodes and what I am recommending is extreme. But I will tell you anyway and it’s up to you whether you actually do it or not. See… I’ve been saying that your episodes are short, but I also I didn’t feel like the plot was very strong in most of them either. It felt like there was a mix of comedic and even romantic moments - which is fine - but it made me as a reader unsure about where the story was heading. So what I would recommend is to actually merge a few of your episodes together. You could condense it into 4 or 5 episodes, making them all equal length and also ensure that enough key elements of your story are in each episode too. For me, it felt like the last two episodes had the most to do with driving the plot, so looking at what they entail would probably help you work out what you would need to merge… if you choose to merge them. Alternatively, you could just add another three or four scenes into each episode to improve their length? You could spend more time focusing on some of the sub-main characters or even adding in more choices, since you pointed out that was something you haven’t done much of? Anyway, it’s up to you. Your directing and dialogue is all pretty good, it’s just that it felt like not enough important things were taking place in each episode. I know in your author notes, you’ve said sorry for taking so long to update but people are not going to mind if you take an extra week or two to update - especially if they get more content because of that wait.