@Gioia - Hibisco excitando
Hey Gioia,
Starting your story now…
- First things first… Don’t feel the need to apologize for english not being your first language! If you are really worried about it, maybe you can find a proof reader on the forums? But I honestly don’t think it’s something you should say sorry for.
- I like that you went to the effort to change Joy’s hair when she gets changed. And I also like how you made Dave taller than her. Attention to detail.
- When Joy applies the lipstick, add the lipstick prop.
- When Dave and Joy are on the roof top for the kissing scene, the layers are mixed up.
- Your first episode was a good length. And I want to repeat what I said earlier about your author’s note because your English was perfect. I don’t even think you would need a proof reader.
- So far directing has been almost perfect, although it could do with more zooms.
- I think other than outfit and hair/make up choices, there hasn’t been many choices at all. Something to remember is that episodes tag line is literally choose your own story, so I would suggest going back and adding some more choices.
- The same problem with the layers happens again when Joy is saying good bye to Dave.
- I like how you organised the texts.
- Just so you know, something must have gone wrong in episode 3 because I’m wearing the wrong outfit, and my hair and lips have changed.
- Side note, Dave walking around in a singlet and board shorts is making me freezing (it’s winter where I am)
- Elisa read my mind in the cafe… Like seriously… IN THE CAFE?! Oh my…
- I’m going to add this in now before I forget, but I think the opening scene of 3 years in the future didn’t do this story justice. It wasn’t really baiting me to read on, because I didn’t care about their relationship then. Perhaps instead of a glimpse into the future, you could change that to show a bit of Joy’s past in Germany? Just an idea, but I do think the current opening scene is underwhelming compared to the rest of the story.
- Just noticed Dave isn’t wearing shoes. Are you forgetting an outfit change perhaps?
- Question: What does the name of this story mean and where did it come from?
- This thing about Dave having cold hands… I just want to check that this isn’t a vampire story, right?
- I thought the flashback was done really well.
- Actually, this whole story has been done really well, I’m surprised it doesn’t have more reads
- The curtsy sequence actually looked magical!
- I’m noticing a bit more choices now, and I like how you don’t reject a choice either. If I pick it, you don’t somehow make me technically do the other choice.
So I’ve reached the end, I think I’ve covered everything. I really think if you take anything from this, it should be to redo your very first scene. The rest was pretty great the way it is.