@TheTurtleTrainer - Exorcism of Phoebe
I actually remember reading Kaleidoscope by you a while back, so I half know what to expect from you in terms of directing. This one sounds creepy. Haven’t read to many horror/thrillers before, so we’ll see how I go…
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Wow, this starts off straight into the action. You must have so much patience to work with those overlays!
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I’d recommend speeding up the time it takes to do the symbol on the mirror. It was a little too slow.
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When Lucifer and Phoebe are in the cave, Lucifer is standing rear, facing the cave and not Phoebe, right? Because when it switches back, sometimes Lucifer stays idle_loop_rear and so it looks like he is facing Phoebe. And when Phoebe runs up to him, she needs to be back a layer, because sometimes her elbow goes in front of Lucifer.
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Wow at that overlay of Lucifer.
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This is intriguing. I’m cringing a little at the way he says “why am I so excited about her sole, she’s just a regular christian girl”. It’s starting to remind me of Matchmaker by Alex Light. Like you have a darker, more evil version of that cupid character.
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The girl who faints, before fainting, it looks light she’s sitting really high in the air and not on a chair.
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I love that you’ve added the 7 sins.
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A little plot hole… They change into uniforms, but the other students aren’t wearing uniforms?
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The two girls kissing by the lockers, look awkwardly placed. If you look at their feet, blondie looks like she’s further back than the three girls standing at the lockers, but the brunettes feet are closer to the camera, so it makes it look like they’d be too far apart (I hope you know what I mean, because I’ve confused even myself in trying to explain it)
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Aha, ignore my comment about the uniform. I spoke too soon.
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When Lucifer kisses her, he’s behind her. Move him to layer 2
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I like how your endings seem so sudden. Idk if that’s intentional, but it suits the them to just have it end, rather than with a bunch of splashes telling your readers to follow you on insta and thanks for reading.
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The way you fade Lucifer in is perfect. It really works well for the scenes that you use it in.
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Your episodes are a little on the short side and lack choices. I know it can be hard to add choices when you want the plot to go a certain way, and the fact that Phoebe doesn’t have control is also hard to add choices to, but try and a few more “pointless” choices. Things like choice to scream or cry. It might not seem like a big deal, but readers will still feel like they are choosing how Phoebe responds to things, so it builds a sort of attachment between reader and MC.
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I didn’t understand her makeover where you said CC was removed. Was this because you used to have it?
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I liked Phoebe’s entrance after her make over. That was directed well.
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The conversation between Lust and Phoebe was a bit anti-climatic. But was this because I made the wrong choice?
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And the picking of the Love Interest felt kind of sudden, considering Phoebe had only actually talked to Lust so far.
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You can probably guess what I’m going to say about that note at the end, but like whyyyyyy. Why are you apologizing? If you think about it, majority of your future readers will not be up to date with all of your releases. So people who find your story when you’re up to episode 6, will read that message and just be confused.
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Another note I want to make about your note. You said you were sorry it was short, but if you yourself think it’s too short, then fix it up. You’re the one with the power to add more in. You should publish things you’re happy with, not something you felt pressured to post because it had been too long.
So I don’t really have anything to add. It’s not as scary as I thought it would be (although I feel like it might get worse in later episodes), I just think there needs to be more filler scenes - particularly between the 7 sins and Phoebe, and the 7 sins and Lucifer. But you’ve got a very intriguing plot.