@Epoch195 - The Narrators
Congrats, you successfully replied to my thread on the forums 
Mess is good, insane I can handle, so let’s get to your story…
- Great use of text effects to start off with. It really stands out.
- OMG I’m a character in your story (technically). That’s my name and my hair. Haha.
- I’ve noticed your scenes start zoomed in somewhere else and then flash to their right spot. When you’re setting your scene, make sure to use & instead of @ so everything will appear at the same time…
Eg.
&AMBER stands screen left AND JACKIE stands screen right
&zoom on XYZ in 0
That will make your zoom start in the right place. - When you have your characters placed in a spot, when they exit they go back to their default size, which cn sometimes be a huge difference. Perhaps consider walking them to a spot in a different zone so that it looks like they’re exiting at the same size.
- I like the dark kind of plot vibes I’m getting. And now with the scene in this abandoned warehouse… It’s like gossip girl meets breaking bad.
- I was scared your little quiz was going to be hard, but it was doable. Hard for someone who wasn’t paying attention, but easy enough for someone who was paying attention but not actively remembering.
- It’s a bit hard to keep up with conversations when two characters are talking about someone else… Considering I just started, I can’t recall everyone’s name straight away. I’d recommend having more time spent on introductions (not the narrator saying who’s who, but like just a bit more scenes/dialogue so we can get a feel for each character).
- I really love how unrealistic this is to start off with. The idea of having high school aged kids do this is insane, but in a good way. Like I could imagine this as a TV show where they hire 29 year old actors to play the high school kids. It’s got that feeling to it. And it’s at the point where I wouldn’t advise you to try and make it realistic, because it’s just the right level of “mess” as you call it.
- I don’t quite understand the guy with the glasses on the black screen holding the book… Is he The Narrator? Any case, having him there for only one line is kind of a waste.
- I have a sneaky suspicion about the woman with Adam not turning around.
- Episode 1 had a bit of an awkward ending. I feel like it was half a cliff hanger and half we’re just left with a lot of unanswered questions.
- So for episode 1, I think you’ll have to give everything a strong and clear introduction. Especially for the main characters and this setting. With setting it in basically another world, you’re going to have to lay down the law, so to speak. How is it different to our lives? And how can you convey the differences over to the reader?
- I’m so confused with this school thing now… But I’ll wait for it to make sense before I comment on it as a whole…
- I don’t think Roy should be holding the book the entire time, some of the animations look funny.
- Seeing as this is set in a futuristic, alternate universe, it would be really cool to see custom backgrounds for their bedrooms and classrooms. Just an idea, their are a lot of people on the forums who could help you out with that. It would also help differentiate between rooms.
- There’s probably a reason you haven’t done this… But for the aliens, why not make their skin blue or green? Limelight is lucky enough to have that option and it would be an easy way to tell the difference.
- Your quotes at the beginning of each episode would probably be better if they were all on the same background so it’s like a uniform.
- The uniforms are cute as!
- Did I just seem Steve say they’re only 14??
- That foreshadowing in the beginning of episode 4 is heavy!!
- Adam is facing the wrong way in the black and white scene.
- The way you did the partner dancing was cool, but since it’s slow dancing, have them stay in each position a second longer. Overall though, I loved that black and white scene with Adam popping in and out all over the place.
- I’m still confused as to this role of a narrator and I feel like the kids are a little too eager to be on board with it when they should also feel a little confused like me.
- Time looks AMAZING. You really made him unique.
- I just noticed how you sort of did a play on words in your description with the word TIME
- In Adam’s weird dream/flashback thing, there is a lot of characters at the wrong layer.
So I feel like this story has a lot of potential and could be really interesting, but at the moment there’s too much confusion. If you end up replying to this (I say if because I’m finding a lot of people don’t), I’d love to ask you some follow up questions about the plot to help me understand, so I can give my 2 cents worth.
In case you don’t reply to me though, here’s my advice:
First, get all your directing in order. Use the & to set your scenes - This is really important for you as you have scenes where the characters are supposed to “pop” in, so it gets very confusing when they pop in when they’re not supposed to. Similar thing with your transitions. Since you use them throughout your story for things other than just transitions (example, giving them powers), it’s crucial that you have all your actual scene transitions perfect. Make sure when you’re doing a fade in transition, that all your characters are placed in their spots and you add your zoom commands before the transition command.
Secondly, would be the big task of introducing the characters, this alternate universe and what a narrator is without having to do an information dump. This would be a lot of work, but would be well worth it. Just, whatever you do, don’t end up doing “This is Amber and she is blah blah blah and This is Roy and he is blah blah blah” There’s a way to do this using the show, don’t tell method, it just requires you to spend a lot of time on it.