Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

A lot of what you mentioned I knew would cause problems, but I just didn’t really know how to fix them. And when I’m thinking of things my mind just jumps around so much that I literally can’t catch up, but yeah I know what your saying! I would totally love to tell you the plot and stuff, and to hear any more advise you have :sunglasses:

Hey, I would love to get some feedback on my first story…
It isn’t published yet, as I am still working on episode 3, but I’ll add the link!
(So, I would recommend just reading the first 2 episodes… Since episode 3 isn’t much yet…)

Story Name: Getting out there
Author Name: Ezz
Description: Daisy has always dreamed of leaving her small boring hometown behind. But what happens when she finally gets the chance to leave? Will she finally be ‘getting out there’?
Episodes: 2 episodes, still working on the 3rd.

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6291950116667392

Cover:

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Thank you!!! I`ll rewrite first episodes!

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Ok, well, hopefully I’ve given you the right info to fix the errors :slightly_smiling_face:

Now for the plot…

Right now, my understanding of it is that Roy is a narrator and Father Time has selected this group of kids to become narrators and Roy has to teach them at this narrator universe. I’m not sure if you’re using narrators in a meta-theatre kind of way, or in a parody way or if there’s some deeper meaning to what a narrator is in this world.

I know it’s set in the future, but there was a couple of jumps forward here and there, so I’m not sure how far into the future most of it is…

And that’s where I am with the plot, so hit me with your plans for the story :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: And let me know if my understanding was right or way off ahaha

Yeah you’re basically there! I’m going to release the next episode soon (hopefully in the following week) but I’m making sure to explain how & why Roy’s in charge of the kids. Also, further on I will elaborate on what a real narrator does and who they actually work for. I want to make it so Time is kinda like a private contractor basically looking out for his best wishes, and everyone else is kinda just casualties to his cause. But I want to make it so his mistakes eventually throw the whole universe out of Wack, and the kids being the reason (I’ll hopefully be able to explain some of this in chapter 6). In their world I want Narrators to be actual narrators (so they go around and tell people’s stories) but I also want them to have no actual allegiance to anybody… (Like if the CIA was a privately run corporation looking for a quick buck… they gather all this information on people and sell it off to the highest bidder). Also, I’m trying to make everything kinda like one major flashback, and then add hops to the present day. However, I want to eventually run it so it hits the major days the soothsayer listed off. So the flashbacks will increase in years until the reach they major tipping point where the universe will literally be up in flames (think like the Death Star from Star Wars but like big enough to take out like a whole galaxy). But yeah you’re understanding’s pretty good considering the confusing mess that I am! Again thank you so much for your input, because “I am confusion” and honestly couldn’t figure out how to get the characters to not pop into a scene when I didn’t want them to do that. However, there are some parts that I want to remain confusing (like when Adam has his flashback thing I wanted the layering to be off so it added an off feeling to the whole thing, and the same for when Tiffany had her flashback thing I wanted Adam to be off so it again added an off feeling). Oh, and when Steve says the whole 14 years old it’s supposed to be past tense like 4 years ago when they were 14 (I went back in and changed it cause it was confusing). Also, for character introductions, I’m elaborating episode 1 so it adds more information between the girls, and I’m adding a scene between the boys where they have a conversation (So that people can get acclimated with the character’s and their names a bit). Again, I want the story to be confusing but not so much so that it’s unbearable to read. Anyways, thank you for the help (I really appreciate it) and for reading this/my story that I know is confusing (I just can’t help myself…) :neutral_face: Thanks again :star_struck: You’re a blessing! :sunglasses: And Absolutely Amazing! BTW I read your story about the boy staying in the girls’ dorm and it was rockin’ :sunglasses:

@Penspaperanddreams1 A Summer To Remember!

  • I don’t think having the characters break the fourth wall was the best way to introduce them to your readers. I remember seeing a thread of things people don’t like in stories, and that was one of the things everyone was saying they didn’t like. At the time, I had done that for my first story and when I read the thread, I went back and read my first episode and just realized how cringe it was, and immediately revamped it. Lol. Perhaps you could keep the opening scenes similar and just take out the part where Rebecca and Lindsey actually talk to the camera?
  • Good first choice! You gave three options and it was pretty early on into the scene, so that’s good for a first episode.
  • I noticed you’re not using any transitions between scenes.
  • When Rebecca starts to retell her conversation, it would probably look better if you used a filter so we know it’s a flashback scene.
  • When the girls are in the bedroom and Lindsey is sitting on the bed, Rebecca is on the screen, but then she re-enters as if she wasn’t supposed to be on screen the first time.
  • It’s pretty funny that Rebecca’s dad is so obsessed with Sasquatch.
  • Careful with looping animations - Lindsey is stuck on talk_awkward_loop while the narrator bubble is explaining Rebecca’s dad.
  • Based off of the first episode, it’s not exactly clear what this story will be about - is it going to be about this summer party or is it going to be about Bigfoot? Maybe this is a good tactic though, because your readers will read on if they want to find out which way it goes.
  • Rebecca’s mum and dad are at rick of looking too dafault. Her mother looks exactly like Hazel and the dad looks like he’s wearing a default character’s outfit.
  • I noticed you don’t use too many zooms. Zooms are pretty handy when you have scenes with 4 or more characters and have only one of them talking. If you zoom in on the character that’s talking, it means that the other characters who are somewhat frozen, aren’t visible so we don’t see how frozen they appear.
  • Bella and Shauna also look a bit too default. Consider changing a feature or two.
  • I like how you improvised your ballet costumes.
  • In the ballet scene, I notice a lot of characters just suddenly appear in their spots instead of walking into place.
  • Blake and Lindsey’s dance scene was a little mismatched. Maybe with the Dirty Dancing templates, you could actually have them do a partner dance?
  • MS PERKINS (talk_shrug_neutral) was said as a dialogue instead of having Ms Perkins do the action.
  • Just noticed Blake is also very default looking.
  • I’m hoping this old lady is just some crazy woman trying to scare Rebecca into thinking their is a prophecy.
  • Lin = default!
  • I liked how you did that seen with Lindsey thinking about everyone from the dance class.

So far, this feels like a pretty light, upbeat story. I really think that you should add in some zooms and transitions between scenes to take it to the next level :slightly_smiling_face:

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Ok, now that you’ve explained it more, I think I totally get what you were going for. With the layering thing - that makes sense now. I can’t remember if you used filters there or not, but in case you didn’t I’d recommend playing around with the hues so you can make the difference between reality and flashbacks/dreams really clear.

I’m looking forward to getting Roy to explain the narrator concept, and how Father Time. I feel like you said a few things just now that has sort of made me click so now I have a few theories :grin:

I think as long as those few errors you had get fixed (which it sounds like you’ve basically done now), then you’ll have the exact right amount of confusion left.

Also, thank you so much for reading my story. I saw you left fanmail! So sweet of you xx

@amberose
Thank you so much for doing this review! It’s so helpful. In terms of story direction, the plan is for the reader to go back and forth between Lindsay and Rebecca’s stories. But if that’s confusing, I could alternate it.

The old lady… can’t say much about her! :wink:

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You’re welcome!

I don’t think it needs to be altered. It clicked to me soon into episode 2 - it’s like showing two best friend’s different summers basically, right? Maybe just the intro needs to be restructured though?

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Oh ok! Yes that’s correct. Ok I can for sure work on making that smoother

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Hi!
I was wondering if you Could review my Story :slight_smile:

Style - Limelight
Genre - Drama

Author - Southampton23

Title - Tokyo Underground

Description - Takuro Lee is a terrifying force not to be reckoned with. Will his world crumble apart when he is forced to work with an agent who has the answer to one of his darkest secrets? CC

Cover

Link - http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4989611174133760

Please take as much time as you want :slight_smile:

There are 10 episodes but I’m totally not expecting you to read all of them.

Thanks in Advance!

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@paumarr - The Nation D: Moon Eyes

Hey, so before I start the review I just wanted to point out on your cover… The tag line She wasn’t who she think she was is half in past tense and half in present tense. You might want to change think to thought.

  • I liked how you started. The narration was good - it gave away the right amount of information without feeling too much like an info dump.

  • When the crowd enter the dessert, they all start off really and go down to size. It would look better to spot them offscreen so they start off at the right size.

  • In the hallway with the blue carpet, Heather looks too big when she’s walking up the corridor.

  • I think if you made your characters walk to suit their moods, it would really enhance their emotions. When Oliver and Heather have that argument, she should walk angrily and he should be sad or exhausted.

  • Be wary of looping animations. You’ve used them a lot for Lotti so she looks like she never stops talking

  • Cole just appears at the cabin, you need to have him enter.

  • Omg your cabin background is so cute.

  • And that hologram is to die for.

  • Grant and Heather get stuck on a talking loop when they’re sitting in the library.

  • Your first episode was a great length.

  • Not a fan of the author note… It’s just more like why bother telling readers they can customize next episode when they’re about to find out anyway? But that’s just my opinion.

  • when Grant finds the note, he should be scaled smaller so it looks like he’s closer to the bed, thus reaching for the note would look more believable.

  • I’m finding episode 2 a little confusing with Lotti’s official introduction. It’s just a bit hard for me to follow, but I’m sure it will make sense with future episodes.

  • To make Heather’s climb up the side of the house look smoother, I’d recommend zooming really close up instead of having a wide shot.

  • Heather isn’t wearing the outfit I chose when it gets to the next episode…

  • ohhhh she’s not supposed to be wearing the same outfit, I see…

  • When you introduce Karla, you say she fell in love with Grant… But Heather only just met Grant the other day at the library.

  • OOh, I liked that plot twist with Rosco. You caught me off guard, I would have never expected him.

  • I’m just going to do like a half way point overall thought while loading episode 4… So I am not really sure what this is about. I feel like I was given this great explanation about Zort at the beginning and it hasn’t really come into the plot all that much since then. I get it’s this fantasy/futuristic world they live in, but I’m just not sure what direction the plot is going? Is is about Lotti being found? Is it about Heather passing out? Is it about them suddenly trying to escape? Is it about Oliver being crazy? So far all of these things have been touched on, but briefly, so it’s hard to make a connection between them all, when it feels like we’re jumping from plot point to plot point. Of course, this is just from the first three episodes, so there’s still time for them to all connect.

  • Aha, the Nation D now makes sense - I was going to ask about that, but now I don’t have to.

  • I really liked how you did the transporting scene to the desert.

  • Especially when Oliver came in. Your sound was perfectly timed for that.

  • When all the screaming is happening, the speech bubbles aren’t pointing to the characters when they talk - not sure if this is because I have the new speechbubbles or if you forgot to reset them after spot directing them.

  • Very clever using the spotlight to do scanning. Great improvising.

  • I wouldn’t bother telling readers about what choice will make the episodes longer, especially because I think your lengths are spot on.

  • Episode 4 felt like a higher standard compared to the first 3. I just felt like the use of overlays, custom backgrounds and directing really enhanced the story line. It does sort of make the first three episodes feel like they were filler though :thinking:

  • The dream sequence was directed very well.

  • I have a feeling since Nation A aren’t confirmed to be dead, they might come into this again.

  • You say “We already know this part so let’s skip it” but rather than breaking forth wall you could use the iris transition to show the passing of time?

  • I noticed you put the date you first published episode 6. Not sure if you’ve done this for others and I haven’t noticed, but that’s pretty handy.

  • Wow at those capsule things.

So I think the only real thing you need to fix up is having character enter and exit scenes which makes them grow to their default sizes. It doesn’t look right since you spot placed most scenes.

I found the second half of the story a lot more engaging than the first. Not to say there was anything wrong with the first three episodes, I just felt like even though they were long, they didn’t contribute too much to get the plot moving. So keep that in mind if you decide to go back and make changes. A lot of people don’t like being told “it gets better after x amount of episodes”, so make sure you have your first half meet the quality of your second half.

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Hey, I’d be happy too. I think I’ve read the description on another thread before. Or maybe it was simply mentioned on another thread. It was a while ago, but the name definitely rings a bell. Just thought I’d say that lol…

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@gisellec - Demigodess

Since I’ve already done a review for you, I’m sure I don’t need to express how I feel about author notes haha.

  • Director (whether he’s important or not) looks too defaultish for my taste.
  • Lol at your LGBTQ warning.
  • I noticed these are the same splashes as your other story. Nothing wrong with that, although I always have fun making everything different for each of my stories, so I guess I’m a little surprised to see someone keep it the same.
  • So since I vaguely know what this story is about, the opening scene is quite fitting I think.
  • I feel like there’s a bit of an awkward pause between each character talking. I think it’s because you’re giving them animations once they’ve said their lines, so it uses up a beat. Make sure to use ‘&’ to prevent this.
  • Christian asks for her name, but the teacher already said it when she was telling him where to sit.
  • Hmmm, nice ending to episode 1. It’s intriguing.
  • Lol, just noticed your note about the LL splashes… Although by the time you publish, you’d have them done anyway, right?
  • The way Christian tells her she’s a demigod really bothered me. He was too chill. Tbh, that’s not your fault. It’s the walking talking animations. Quite frankly, they suck. You might want to consider changing that to a scene where they can stand and actually show accurate emotions.
  • MC is very easily swayed. Me in real life being told I am a demigod would need a lot more persuading for me to believe it.

And that’s me basically up to date. It’s pretty good so far, it’s just the walking-talking scene I’d suggest changing. MC should kind of be freaking out at this point but she can’t because of the lack of emotions in the animations.

Thank you so much for this review, and I’ll be working on the points you told me to!

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lol, Maybe you have :slight_smile:

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You’re welcome

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@Ezz - Getting Out There

  • I like how this starts off. I wouldn’t be able to tell it’s your first story from the opening scene.

  • Just be careful of doing an information dump. Narrator bubbles are handy to give a back story but you don’t want to have 7 narrator bubbles in a row explaining something when you could be showing it instead.

  • The I wasn’t capitalized in “I love this place”.

  • So far, your directing has been flawless, which is why when Dave and Daisy are about to go to sleep, I would recommend using some unique angles and zooms, so you don’t have to show them “walking” on to the bed and then suddenly be laying down. Do you get what I mean?

  • Well, you probably know how I feel about author notes, but at least your author note had purpose, lol. And since you as an author has blue hair, I’m wondering if this is like a semi-autobiography?

  • For the narrator bubbles that are Daisy’s thoughts, make sure to have it as NARRATOR (DAISY) so it comes up above the bubble.

  • Oh, mrs Dinklehoff is quite the character! :smiley:

  • When Dave and Daisy go to get her clothes, Dave seems a bit too tall, like his head might hit the roof. Try scaling them a bit smaller.

  • After the picture, the fade transition seemed to flash for a second, and then it did a slower fade right after.

  • When Chris sits down on the couch, he too also looks a little big.

  • I’m not sure if you want me to go one to episode 3, since you mentioned you were still writing it, but I’m going to anyway.

  • So when Dave gets the door, he’s looking like a giant compared to the door!

  • I love that you added the lipstick and brush props!

  • I’m guessing I’m up to the bit where you’re still working on it, because there’s a few things off in the bar scene - Damien being offscreen and BG characters not being animated. Plus the wrong layers when Dave goes to get the drinks with Jack.

  • So yeah, I quite liked that. I’m interested to see what kind of twist and turns you throw in there. And even after all that, I still can’t believe that is your first story. There was virtually no errors! Great effort.

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@Penspaperanddreams1 - Agent 99

  • So with the character avatar, my character didn’t show up? I thought this was due to the glitch though, so I tried to exit but it wouldn’t let me without customizing and then it when back to the story anyway, so I have no idea what happened there.

  • Ooh, spotlight. It’s been a while since I’ve read spotlight. I know most people hate it, but I find it alright.

  • “Hot stranger” lol.

  • Hmmm, I like how these points seem to work. I’ve only got one, but a culture point is not something you come across in just any episode story.

  • Some of your transitions look like they’re fade ins, when they should be fade outs.

  • I mean, the cheating this was kind of expected. But I like how you did it, making MC thinking she was going to get proposed to.

  • Well well well, did not see this turning into a heist!!!

  • And did not see that plot twist from Luke! I’m really enjoying this so far.

  • Police1 and Police2 are not the best display names to have hahaha. Nor is suspect 1 and suspect 2

  • Episode 2 felt on the short side, but that might just be the illusion of having a fast paced arc.

  • I feel like… if these tappable overlays become a thing, you could totally add an overlay of the red baseball cap so people can actually get clues.

  • When Cassidy’s calling, one of the lines she says does not have a capital “I” I tapped too quick before I could copy the line, but it was the second dialogue in their conversation I believe.

  • MC seems to be totally ok with her new circumstances all of a sudden. If it were me, I’d still be demanding answers!

  • The beginning of episode 4 threw me off. I was so confused. Am I watching the sneak peak for elemental?

  • I have a tendency to be an idiot when it comes to writing in answers, so I was just doing stupid answers not realizing it was a password. Haha.

  • Wait wait wait. Episode 4 was just a sneak peak? I have to say, that’s not cool. I thought it was going to move on to the actual episode…

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Thank you so much for your comments!!

You make some great points, and it makes me super happy to read you cannot tell it is my first story.

I am definitely going to try and change the things you pointed out (If I can figure out how, lol)
Scaling is definitely an issue, since you keep mentioning people are giants haha.

Reading your comment about Mrs. dinklehoff seriously made me laugh out loud and so happy haha.

It’s not really auto biographic, But her character definitely has me wrtitten all over it, and some stuff are kind of inspired by things that have happened to me.

Thanks again! Your review is super helpful and put a smile on my face! xx

edit: @amberose , do you happen to have an idea for the angles and zooming in the bedscene you were talking about? I have no idea how to best handle this…