@paumarr - The Nation D: Moon Eyes
Hey, so before I start the review I just wanted to point out on your cover… The tag line She wasn’t who she think she was is half in past tense and half in present tense. You might want to change think to thought.
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I liked how you started. The narration was good - it gave away the right amount of information without feeling too much like an info dump.
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When the crowd enter the dessert, they all start off really and go down to size. It would look better to spot them offscreen so they start off at the right size.
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In the hallway with the blue carpet, Heather looks too big when she’s walking up the corridor.
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I think if you made your characters walk to suit their moods, it would really enhance their emotions. When Oliver and Heather have that argument, she should walk angrily and he should be sad or exhausted.
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Be wary of looping animations. You’ve used them a lot for Lotti so she looks like she never stops talking
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Cole just appears at the cabin, you need to have him enter.
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Omg your cabin background is so cute.
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And that hologram is to die for.
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Grant and Heather get stuck on a talking loop when they’re sitting in the library.
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Your first episode was a great length.
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Not a fan of the author note… It’s just more like why bother telling readers they can customize next episode when they’re about to find out anyway? But that’s just my opinion.
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when Grant finds the note, he should be scaled smaller so it looks like he’s closer to the bed, thus reaching for the note would look more believable.
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I’m finding episode 2 a little confusing with Lotti’s official introduction. It’s just a bit hard for me to follow, but I’m sure it will make sense with future episodes.
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To make Heather’s climb up the side of the house look smoother, I’d recommend zooming really close up instead of having a wide shot.
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Heather isn’t wearing the outfit I chose when it gets to the next episode…
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ohhhh she’s not supposed to be wearing the same outfit, I see…
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When you introduce Karla, you say she fell in love with Grant… But Heather only just met Grant the other day at the library.
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OOh, I liked that plot twist with Rosco. You caught me off guard, I would have never expected him.
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I’m just going to do like a half way point overall thought while loading episode 4… So I am not really sure what this is about. I feel like I was given this great explanation about Zort at the beginning and it hasn’t really come into the plot all that much since then. I get it’s this fantasy/futuristic world they live in, but I’m just not sure what direction the plot is going? Is is about Lotti being found? Is it about Heather passing out? Is it about them suddenly trying to escape? Is it about Oliver being crazy? So far all of these things have been touched on, but briefly, so it’s hard to make a connection between them all, when it feels like we’re jumping from plot point to plot point. Of course, this is just from the first three episodes, so there’s still time for them to all connect.
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Aha, the Nation D now makes sense - I was going to ask about that, but now I don’t have to.
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I really liked how you did the transporting scene to the desert.
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Especially when Oliver came in. Your sound was perfectly timed for that.
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When all the screaming is happening, the speech bubbles aren’t pointing to the characters when they talk - not sure if this is because I have the new speechbubbles or if you forgot to reset them after spot directing them.
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Very clever using the spotlight to do scanning. Great improvising.
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I wouldn’t bother telling readers about what choice will make the episodes longer, especially because I think your lengths are spot on.
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Episode 4 felt like a higher standard compared to the first 3. I just felt like the use of overlays, custom backgrounds and directing really enhanced the story line. It does sort of make the first three episodes feel like they were filler though
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The dream sequence was directed very well.
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I have a feeling since Nation A aren’t confirmed to be dead, they might come into this again.
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You say “We already know this part so let’s skip it” but rather than breaking forth wall you could use the iris transition to show the passing of time?
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I noticed you put the date you first published episode 6. Not sure if you’ve done this for others and I haven’t noticed, but that’s pretty handy.
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Wow at those capsule things.
So I think the only real thing you need to fix up is having character enter and exit scenes which makes them grow to their default sizes. It doesn’t look right since you spot placed most scenes.
I found the second half of the story a lot more engaging than the first. Not to say there was anything wrong with the first three episodes, I just felt like even though they were long, they didn’t contribute too much to get the plot moving. So keep that in mind if you decide to go back and make changes. A lot of people don’t like being told “it gets better after x amount of episodes”, so make sure you have your first half meet the quality of your second half.