@dkr_episodes - Different Worlds
This looks like something I would definitely read if I cam across it in the app. Don’t take this the wrong way, but your description makes me think this will be on more of a cliche side of the scales. I’m actually kind of glad at that though, because I feel like lately I’ve been reading a lot of heavy stuff, so I really need this change of pace.
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In saying that though, I think the last line of your description should be This ain’t gonna be good, honey. Or if that uses too many characters, This can’t be good, honey.
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I don’t like the pilot episodes excuse being used right at the beginning. That’s sort of a deterrent and makes me expect the first three episodes to be short with no choices.
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I like how you actually started the story with the plane window.
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Nice animated intro.
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Is it just me or did all the people at the airport have black hair? Lol
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I feel like so far your directing is really advanced. You can tell you’ve been working on this for a long time.
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I love love love that she’s not getting a fancy apartment for once. Sick of episode characters getting handed million dollar apartments. Hahaha.
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And you used the servant’s bedroom! I had a feeling you would.
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Agatha and crying girl should actually switch places when it does the rear angle.
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I think it’s good characterization having Jen “snap” at everyone. It really gives her the sassy mouth that you mentioned in the description.
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I don’t like when people apologize for English not being their first language. It’s not something to be sorry about! It’s actually amazing that you’ve written a whole episode in english - that’s hard enough even when it is your first language - so you should be proud!
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Change BGWOMAN4’s display name so we don’t see that when they’re at the supermarket.
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An opportunity for choices in episode 2… What job does Jen want? You could let the reader test out 3 jobs before she realizes she’s bad at all of them and then she ends up at the coffee shop.
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I liked that you used a filter for the flashback.
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The principal scene was great directing for the most part, but there were a couple of times the desk overlay was missing.
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Getting a new roommate seemed a little too convenient for the sake of the plot. You loose points on realism there because a landlord can’t give someone a new roommate. Maybe you could add a few lines of Jen saying “You can’t give me a roommate” and then the landlord could be all money hungry and he just wants to get more income and that could be why he’s forcing her to accept the roommate?
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You sure know how to drag out the roommate reveal ahaha.
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I loved when she was explaining the new roommate to Iris, that you had it zoomed to her face the same percentage in the past and present. It’s a small detail, but it looks good.
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I loved getting to see Jen at work. And that she wasn’t just magically could at her job. Her characterization is literally so good.
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I would suggest changing BG character display names though.
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I know you had he end of the shush command when Gabe meets Noah, but then yoou zoomed in on Noah, and I saw Gabe’s hand stick out like he was doing the shush animation again. You can probably leave the second shush out and he’ll still be doing it… (unless you changed backgrounds, I couldn’t tell tbh, but if that’s the case just zoom more closer on Noah)
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I hate that cafeteria background because spot placing is so annoying with the tables and chair everywhere. You did an alright job with it, but some characters did look like they were standing on chairs or they were too small.
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That video was great. It’s amazing that you can make it look like Noah was filming with only the tools episode’s given you.
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I’m starting to think this will be a long story and will sort of end up being almost like prank wars between Jen and Gabe. It’s like they’re always going to be trying to beat each other at something until they eventually get together (I assume?)
Well, I must say… that was really good. Your episodes were long (so you should really get rid of that first author note), your characters were developed, your directing was out of this world. I can totally tell you’ve put so much time into this. There was just the right amount of funny moments. If there was one thing you could do for improvement, it would be to make the background characters less backgroundish. Give them names, and change up some of the default clothing. But yeah, I am glad I am one of your first readers because I get to watch this take off, which I’m sure it will.