@IDONTKNOWREAL - Girl Of Deception
So I feel like I’ve seen this around the forums a bit, but I haven’t actually gotten around to it. I’m keen to see what you’ve got and from the description, it looks like it could be interesting.
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If I’m honest, so far this opening scene hasn’t caught my attention enough. I feel like the demanding coffee thing isn’t the best way to convey Aria is a bad ass boss lady and would have liked to have seen something more out of the box.
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I’m glad she commented on Lisa’s outfit, because I was thinking the same thing.
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Watch for looping animations - Aria was still talking on the phone while Lyra was talking.
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Your first choice was appropriately placed. Didn’t feel too soon, but didn’t feel too late in the story either.
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Small typo: Jared says “Your not mad?” But it should be you’re.
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I liked the way Aria played along. That was more like what kind of scene I’d want to see at the start instead of the coffee thing.
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I loved the slapping saga at the bar. It was pretty funny.
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Aww, I feel bad for the poor mum and daughter, but am happy to see you chose a different type of character to curse MC. Usually it’s the conveniently placed fortune teller.
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I definitely feel like my choices already matter.
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I like the poor people outfits. For the time lapses though, instead of using a narrator bubble, maybe switch up the transitions a bit?
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I sense foreshadowing that Aria will end up with someone from the royal family.
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I am surprised Aria lasted a few weeks. She doesn’t seem like the type to go along with something like this. Maybe a little bit more showing of how she came to accept her fate?
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Lisa and Aria are a bit too slow getting into formation with the other girls.
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This is giving me a major throwback vibes to this book I read when I was younger. I can’t remember what it was called, but I have nostalgia now lol. But also reminding me of the wizard of oz, the way you used pre-existing characters.
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Be wary of your cliff hangers. You did the “who’s there?” cliff hanger twice in a row.
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Magdelena enters the scene twice.
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I can see a few speechbubble placements are off - could be due to the update, so idk if it’s worth going through and changing the times it’s covering a character’s face. But keep it in mind.
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I kinda like this fire thing happening right now. At first I was like wtf, but you’ve made good use of episode backgrounds. Idk how you feel about overlays but I cold see the scene being enhanced if you had a fire overlay not at full opacity so it looks more like Aria is surrounded by fire.
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Oh snap. Those effects! Were you messing around with the filter? That looked cool!
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Another comparison I want to make… The flashback prophecy thing reminds me of The Simpson’s Movie when Grandpa goes all crazy at church.
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Your author note… How can I say this nicely? Asking people to recommend your story comes across a lil desperate. Especially with your chosen animations, talk_awkward or talk_sheepish, I know it was one of those. If you want people to recommend your story at least be confident in the way you ask!
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Just wondering, where did Aria get the money to give the commoners?
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Throughout episode 5, a lot of speechbubbles are off. This time it looks like you might not have reset them after placing one.
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The CC seemed a bit pointless to me. Why bother having limited customization all the way in episode 6? Just my opinion, I hope you weren’t getting fanmail asking for it and that’s why you added it in.
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Aria’s flash back bothered me. I know it doesn’t break any guidelines, but it’s so sad to see the abuse from both parents. Usually there’s one on MC’s side, so it was sad that they were both against her. And not your fault, but just the punch aggressive. I wish there was a slightly less agro punch.
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Your characters have started to randomly “pop” into the scene now. I’ve only noticed it in episode 6.
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Some of your flashbacks do a weird transition with the filter and the fade out. It’s like there’s a weird delay between both commands.
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Was half expecting Lyra to go completely nude when she gave the outfit back. Lol
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I thought I should mention, you haven’t mentioned the fact that Aria woke up in this alternate universe in a while. For the sake of the story, add in some references to this so your readers are always reminded of how she got here, and they won’t forget in between updates. Otherwise, it feels like you have 2 stories that aren’t joining together.
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The different colour fades were great! You used all the warm colours so that it matches her fire-thing.
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Oh gawd! Your mini game was so frustrating. Also, just letting you know that after Aria “dies” she doesn’t get up until after the choice. You probably want to have her standing in position after the goto label.
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Ooh, I just figured out something - the one with the moon – It’s Aria’s necklace!!!
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When Fabia leaves baby Rafe, you should add the overlay of the baby bundle to the scene.
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Episode 9 the speech bubbles are basically covering every character’s face. This might be a glitch or maybe you haven’t reset the positions? If it’s the glitch, maybe submit a ticket to say the new speech bubbles are affecting your reader’s experience?
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Oh my, I wasn’t expecting that death!
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I wasn’t a fan of the “imagine this is happening” fight scene. Would have preferred to see something on screen take place.
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I think episode 9 was a great ending. A nice switch up from your usual cliffhangers
Honestly, I think you’ve got a great story. At times though, it does feel completely different to what I read in the first episode, but it’s still an interesting plot. I think there’s a lot of potential, and would suggest you enhance certain scenes with overlays instead of describing something that’s not there. Great work and sorry it took me so long to get around to this!!!