Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

@lamecast88 DD: Some Sort of Love

Episode 2

  • I’m noticing all your choices have an “are you sure choice” within them. Nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think you really need it for every choice.

  • So far, I feel like there’s a lot of new characters being introduced in the second episode. Since I haven’t seen Dirty Dancing, I’m not sure if these are characters from the movie or ones you’ve created, but it is getting a little confusing to remember who’s who.

  • I like how you’ve set your table scene. It makes it look like you have a full house.

  • Um… That’s actually all I have to say. Spot placements and directing was all good. It was just a bit of confusion with the new characters

Thank you! Maybe I can rearrange some introductions in ep. 1 better and remove some are you sure choices :slight_smile:

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@IDONTKNOWREAL - Girl Of Deception

So I feel like I’ve seen this around the forums a bit, but I haven’t actually gotten around to it. I’m keen to see what you’ve got and from the description, it looks like it could be interesting.

  • If I’m honest, so far this opening scene hasn’t caught my attention enough. I feel like the demanding coffee thing isn’t the best way to convey Aria is a bad ass boss lady and would have liked to have seen something more out of the box.

  • I’m glad she commented on Lisa’s outfit, because I was thinking the same thing.

  • Watch for looping animations - Aria was still talking on the phone while Lyra was talking.

  • Your first choice was appropriately placed. Didn’t feel too soon, but didn’t feel too late in the story either.

  • Small typo: Jared says “Your not mad?” But it should be you’re.

  • I liked the way Aria played along. That was more like what kind of scene I’d want to see at the start instead of the coffee thing.

  • I loved the slapping saga at the bar. It was pretty funny.

  • Aww, I feel bad for the poor mum and daughter, but am happy to see you chose a different type of character to curse MC. Usually it’s the conveniently placed fortune teller.

  • I definitely feel like my choices already matter.

  • I like the poor people outfits. For the time lapses though, instead of using a narrator bubble, maybe switch up the transitions a bit?

  • I sense foreshadowing that Aria will end up with someone from the royal family.

  • I am surprised Aria lasted a few weeks. She doesn’t seem like the type to go along with something like this. Maybe a little bit more showing of how she came to accept her fate?

  • Lisa and Aria are a bit too slow getting into formation with the other girls.

  • This is giving me a major throwback vibes to this book I read when I was younger. I can’t remember what it was called, but I have nostalgia now lol. But also reminding me of the wizard of oz, the way you used pre-existing characters.

  • Be wary of your cliff hangers. You did the “who’s there?” cliff hanger twice in a row.

  • Magdelena enters the scene twice.

  • I can see a few speechbubble placements are off - could be due to the update, so idk if it’s worth going through and changing the times it’s covering a character’s face. But keep it in mind.

  • I kinda like this fire thing happening right now. At first I was like wtf, but you’ve made good use of episode backgrounds. Idk how you feel about overlays but I cold see the scene being enhanced if you had a fire overlay not at full opacity so it looks more like Aria is surrounded by fire.

  • Oh snap. Those effects! Were you messing around with the filter? That looked cool!

  • Another comparison I want to make… The flashback prophecy thing reminds me of The Simpson’s Movie when Grandpa goes all crazy at church.

  • Your author note… How can I say this nicely? Asking people to recommend your story comes across a lil desperate. Especially with your chosen animations, talk_awkward or talk_sheepish, I know it was one of those. If you want people to recommend your story at least be confident in the way you ask!

  • Just wondering, where did Aria get the money to give the commoners?

  • Throughout episode 5, a lot of speechbubbles are off. This time it looks like you might not have reset them after placing one.

  • The CC seemed a bit pointless to me. Why bother having limited customization all the way in episode 6? Just my opinion, I hope you weren’t getting fanmail asking for it and that’s why you added it in.

  • Aria’s flash back bothered me. I know it doesn’t break any guidelines, but it’s so sad to see the abuse from both parents. Usually there’s one on MC’s side, so it was sad that they were both against her. And not your fault, but just the punch aggressive. I wish there was a slightly less agro punch.

  • Your characters have started to randomly “pop” into the scene now. I’ve only noticed it in episode 6.

  • Some of your flashbacks do a weird transition with the filter and the fade out. It’s like there’s a weird delay between both commands.

  • Was half expecting Lyra to go completely nude when she gave the outfit back. Lol

  • I thought I should mention, you haven’t mentioned the fact that Aria woke up in this alternate universe in a while. For the sake of the story, add in some references to this so your readers are always reminded of how she got here, and they won’t forget in between updates. Otherwise, it feels like you have 2 stories that aren’t joining together.

  • The different colour fades were great! You used all the warm colours so that it matches her fire-thing.

  • Oh gawd! Your mini game was so frustrating. Also, just letting you know that after Aria “dies” she doesn’t get up until after the choice. You probably want to have her standing in position after the goto label.

  • Ooh, I just figured out something - the one with the moon – It’s Aria’s necklace!!!

  • When Fabia leaves baby Rafe, you should add the overlay of the baby bundle to the scene.

  • Episode 9 the speech bubbles are basically covering every character’s face. This might be a glitch or maybe you haven’t reset the positions? If it’s the glitch, maybe submit a ticket to say the new speech bubbles are affecting your reader’s experience?

  • Oh my, I wasn’t expecting that death!

  • I wasn’t a fan of the “imagine this is happening” fight scene. Would have preferred to see something on screen take place.

  • I think episode 9 was a great ending. A nice switch up from your usual cliffhangers

Honestly, I think you’ve got a great story. At times though, it does feel completely different to what I read in the first episode, but it’s still an interesting plot. I think there’s a lot of potential, and would suggest you enhance certain scenes with overlays instead of describing something that’s not there. Great work and sorry it took me so long to get around to this!!!

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Thank you so much! This helped me a lot! I will definitely use your suggestions :heart:

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Welcome :relaxed:

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@Mthoenen - What If
Hey Mindy, sorry for such a delay doing this. Anyway, here goes.

  • Your intro really hooked me. The meaning of what if was actually really deep and definitely something that will stick with me.
  • It’s not a big deal, but the way you introduce the first too characters was a bit awkward. First, if you look at their placement, they’re standing quite far apart for supposedly best friends. I’m also not too fond of the narration bubble just explaining who’s on the screen, when you could have had maybe a montage or a series of flashbacks? Actually, even a close up zoom on the character you’re talking about would have felt less awkward.
  • I think for your first episode it was a decent length, but it could have done with some added zooms to enhance the mood and what not. Also, trying mixing up the positions of the characters so they’re not always screen left or screen right. If you’re not comfortable with spot directing yet, just switch it to upscreen right and upscreen left.
  • I feel like there are some scene changes which could do with an @transition fade to black in between, to give it a more professional feel.
  • When Elijah and Jaxon are sitting in the living room, they look like they’re floating and not actually sitting on the couch.
  • I loved the custom flower and note background.

So I don’t have too much to say on this. I just think you really need to mix around your zooms and your screen placements of characters to keep each scene looking fresh - it will take your story up a level. You just need that something extra to go with your plot

Thank you so much!

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I would like some feedback and I know about the author notes.
Title: Kotton Kandie
Author: Pretty Eri
Style: Ink
Description: Kandie’s finally free from an abusive marriage. Now it’s time for her to start anew - with a stalkerish ex-husband on her tail. Help her navigate through life. Choices Matter.
Link: https://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/5532581127127040
bb7fc107e5e8ffd4fa273e35ce11aa1f4b91ecf3_1_361x500

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And I know about the author notes :joy:

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I’m just sayin :joy:

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Hey, I’d like to get a review!
Name of story: No changes after a year…
Name of Author: Teddy’s Dollhouse
Genre: Drama, Romance, Comedy
Style: INK
Episodes: 2
Description: Zen had a beautiful childhood until he was 10 years old with his father but after meeting a beautiful women who claims to be his true mother everything changes.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6385627538259968

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I love your live thoughts! I’d like one for my story as well, if you get a chance. :slight_smile: .

Title: Diary of a Middle School Teacher


Author: Marianna Escalante
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Style: Limelight
Chapters: 13 (ongoing)
Description: Mia moves to her uncle’s hacienda in Mexico to teach English at a bilingual middle school. But an old crush, her students, and two mysterious families complicate everything.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5621330624512000
Instagram: @episodemarianna

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Hey Marianna, I can’t really do this for you because… well it won’t be live thoughts. I’ve been reading yours since the beginning hahahahaha!!

If you want just some basic feedback, I can do that but I won’t be able to draw up quotes or anything for reference

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No problem, that would be fine!

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Ok, well, here we go with my Past Thoughts:

  • I love the concept. It really is just a story about a middle school teacher and there’s no weird teacher/student relationships

  • It at times, reminds me of Jane The Virgin with all the plot twists and turns.

  • You do this thing with your zooms when there’s a classroom scene. Every time a kid talks, you zoom in on them, then reset the zoom for the next kid and zoom on them again. Idk if you know what I’m talking about, but I’ve started to see it as your signature in terms of directing .

  • When I first started reading, I found it hard to remember names. I think it’s because you have so many main characters, but then your secondary characters are also pretty involved in the story too. So it’s difficult there, but I think if people binge read, it won’t be a problem. It was only because I had waiting time in between most episodes.

  • I like when we are given the choice to see other people’s perspective, I always wonder what it would be like from another character’s POV.

  • Also want to point out, that due to the settings, I feel like I actually end up learning a lot about a culture I’m not familiar with. This is a good drama, but it’s got a nice balance between drama and actually being educational.

I don’t really know what else to add tbh, just know that I really enjoy all the layers and drama and I think you’re doing a great job.

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@PrettyEri - Kotton Kandie

  • My first thought was literally, this would be such a good intro if it weren’t for that author note hahahaha.

  • I’m liking that we have a teacher as an MC but she’s not hooking up with a student.

  • I also like this whole divorce factor and the therapy. It feels like it’s a mature story, but not too mature that younger readers won’t understand.

  • Just be careful with your pacing. Episode 1 started off strong, but it start to feel fast paced towards the end.

  • I don’t know if this is intentional, but the ex husband is wearing very childish clothes for someone I’m guessing is in their late 20’s-30’s. I think that’s a really smart move.

  • I liked how you transitioned from the looping background to the idle one when she fell. I normally feel an awkward gap in between when I see it in other stories, but your’s felt smooth.

  • I normally get tired of dressing up choices where you do a close up zooming pan of each outfit, but I don’t mind it too much in your story, which I think is because all your outfit choices are so different from each other.

  • I like how you’ve introduced the love interests gradually, without seeming like they’re randomly thrown in your face.

  • The reader message of god’s busy! :joy::joy:

  • It’s also good to see the points system at use already. It makes me feel like my choices matter early on.

  • Consider spot placing speech bubbles when Kandie was lying on the ground, so they point to her mouth.

  • The boat ride in episode 4… was that the fireflies overlay? If so, it would looks so cool if you moved the fireflies while they talked.

  • The questions were really great. I feel like the pace has evened out once again. Although, in reality asking about mental health on date 1 would be a little too soon.

  • Holy moly! That club scene. How did you code all that? I’m just imagining the headache.

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Hey Amber! I was wondering if you’d be willing to give your thoughts on what I have so far of my unpublished story, it’s only around 9 or so minutes though, so I hope I don’t disappoint with what I have. :sweat_smile:

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Send through the details/link

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Okay, thank you so much! :sparkling_heart:

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Name: Providence
Author: A.D. Summers
Genre: Fantasy Adventure
Number of episodes: 1 (ignore the second I was messing around with something lol)
Description: “Why does God even deal with us?” I never thought I’d know his answer, until I went to that mysterious town. After all, Providence is a greater mystery than Revelation. Limited CC (??? still debating)
Link:


Cover:

Side note: I know how much you said you hate author notes, but I couldn’t help but make one when I first started since this is my first story, haha :poop:

1 Like