Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Thanks! Yes, I wanted to write a story about a middle school teacher and what she goes through at school with the kids, but without having her career be a plot point, like in those teacher/student stories. I wanted her love interest to not be related to her career at all.

I initially started doing the thing with the zooms in the classroom so the readers focus on the kid talking and so that I don’t have to spot direct every other kid in the classroom. That would be a pain to do because I’d have to add desk overlays with each kid behind them… and since all of my kids have a part in the story, I can’t just use a classroom BG with extras. But I’m glad it works well. :slight_smile:

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@Teddysdollhouse - No changes after a year

  • You’ve probably read what I think about author notes…

  • This starts of really deep. Like I expect this to be dramatic.

  • I feel like there’s a few filler scenes so far that don’t contribute to the plot. I could be wrong if they become relevant later, but that’s how I feel right now.

  • I get the feeling Zen’s mother has died and perhaps nothing changes in a year refers to the year she’s been gone…?

  • Woah, maybe I was wrong. I have no idea what the dad is talking about, and it was probably not the best spot to end episode 1. For me, I would have needed a bit more context for Michael’s words to mean a cliff hanger. Also, I worry that if you took out the filler scenes, episode 1 would be super short.

  • Episode 2 with Hayden’s mother and him! That’s the right balance context and mystery. Honestly if you could make that the end of episode 1, it would draw more readers to continue reading.

  • Woah, the adoption totally caught me off guard!

  • End of episode 2 says a lot have people have asked you for CC, but since your story is unpublished… I’m just wondering if this is based off of you assuming that people will complain if there’s no CC?

Ok, so that was the first two chapters. I just want to say that you don’t need everything to be a mystery. It’s nice to hide some details from a reader, but you’ve got to give them breadcrumbs to make them interested too. I felt like I was missing just too much information to be fully invested.

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thank you very much for your review!
I’d like to ask which scenes felt like they were filler so I can try to improve them.
Some of my friends and other people who reviewed my story said that they would have liked the option to customize the characters. But maybe it’s not necessary to mention it at the end…

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It was the scene where Zen was walking back in episode one and then eventually gets a lift from his dad. Maybe if you reveal a bit more context, that would make it more significant? But it was just narration, so it kind of felt it could do without.

Also, ignore those friends and reviewers. CC isn’t necessary to have a good story and I think since yours appears to be more on the serious side, it actually suits it better to not have it anyway :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hi, can you review my story?

Details:
Title: Back to back
Author: Hamnah.episode
Episodes: 1
Genre: Romance/Action
Description: “You’re a spy and so is he but will you find out each others true identity and fall in love? Be carful, love is a dangerous game but you’ll have each others backs. I hope… (CC)”
Cover: Still being made, I really just want you to review my first episode.
I have these splashes that I want to use but they’re still in review.

These are right at the start.


And this is right at the end.

Thanks in advance

Link

Back to back link

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@a.d.episode - Providence

  • Well, the author note. I’m sorry but I just have to comment on it, because being your first story is not a good enough reason to add one in

  • Other then your author note, I liked the beginning. It was all deep and meaningful.

  • Hmmm… unfortunately she didn’t kill him? Well, now you’ve got my interest…

  • Just letting you know that Dominic’s elbow showed on screen during his shhh command.

  • I loved the running down the stairs scene with this new woman coming in now.

  • Well, episode one was not nearly enough actually content. I don’t know anything about the plot yet… It was good what you had, but not good enough to hook readers to continue.

In saying that, let me know when this is published, I like your style of writing, just need more :slightly_smiling_face:

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@Unicornlover346 - Back to back

  • For your first dress up game, try and keep the outfit names consistent. “flowery dress” starts with a lower case letter, while the others have a capital letter.
  • Also, it might work better to use the code to make the mother look like the avatar, like mom becomes MC and then changes only some of the features to the mature ones
  • Outside the school. try scaling the students a bit smaller in the background.
  • Your first choice was perfectly timed! And it was a choice that made sense too.
  • I like your second choice too, I’m not sure if it’s your first story or not, but if it is and I compare it to mine, the choices you give seem to give a better reader involvement than mine ever did. Hahaha!
  • Spotting in the shops is on point.
  • I love all your outfit options too.
  • Don’t forget to use your zooms. Certain scenes look better if you switch between close ups of the characters when they’re talking.
  • Wait what? Was that a flashback? I am confused.
  • For the flashback, to make it less confusing, try using filters and perhaps a fade to white transition.
  • It looks like somewhere in the bedroom scene, you spot placed a speech bubble and haven’t reset it.

Anyway, episode one was interesting, though it does need some refining with the flashbacks, but it would be something I’d be interested in when you eventually publish.

Yeah I just saw what you meant with the Shh animation, haha. And I know about the content, it’s only around half the length of what I had planned for the first episode, there is still A LOT more that I need to get covered in the first three or four episodes :sweat_smile:
Thank you so much for taking the time to check my story out and giving me your thoughts on it, and I’m glad you liked my writing, it means a lot to me! :sparkling_heart:

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I get what you mean. It’s smart of you to get feedback this early on though. I wish I had been brave enough to so that with my own stories ahahah

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Thank you for you for your feedback, I’ll make sure I fixe allthe errors and yeti is my first story. :slightly_smiling_face:emphasized text

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Well good job. Quite a high standard for a first story

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Thanks. :blush: But what are those certain scenes?

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Sorry, what do you mean? For the zooms?

Yep.

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No specific scenes that I think I can mention, but if you watch it the whole way through, it’s all a wide shot screen so that you see full body. Perhaps when they’re girls are talking outside or when they go to a shops would be good places to add it?

Thanks

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Hello @amberose I would love to have your honest thoughts about my very first story.
Title: Through his eyes
Genre: drama/ romance
Description: A young writer finds inspiration in an unusual place. When her book becomes a bestseller and a movie, she’s forced to choose between the man of her dreams and her soaring career.

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1.Story title- KILL YOUR DREAMS
2.Short description - Anne lives the same day again and in the end she gets killed. Now she tries to find the killer. Story is filled with drama and romance.
3.Genre - Thriller
4.Style - Limelight
5.Chapters - 3
6.Link- http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4905142231891968
7.Cover-

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@Nelles - Through his eyes

  • To start off with, I noticed when the first two characters enter, they start of bigger and walk to place which makes them look like they go really small really quick. I think it would look better if you just started with them on screen, since having them walk to place doesn’t seem to affect the plot anyway.

  • I’m a little confused as to what’s going on with this “script” but I’m expecting it will make sense soon.

  • You’ve got a great use of overlays, but you are missing transitions. Sometimes it helps to have a clear distinction between scenes, and that’s where @transition fade out black will become your best friend!

  • I liked that you slipped CC into the story, instead of throwing it randomly at the beginning.

  • When MC writes the story, try scaling her a bit smaller so her feet end where the computer chair does - also for when she’s asleep at the desk too.

  • There was something that looked weird about their conversation at the fire station… I think Marcus and Scott were standing too far apart that it didn’t look natural… And then when Rick and John entered, they started off too big to walk down to where their spot was.

  • When Scott walks up to Liv’s door, first add in how many seconds it should take otherwise he looks like he’s shrinking too fast. Also, he needs to be scaled smaller once he’s at the door. Pay attention to where his feet and his head lines up to. He shouldn’t be bigger than the door.

  • I loved loved loved the way you made the smoke appear!

  • Watch the scaling again when they’re talking on the couch. Liv is sitting but it still looks as though her head will touch the roof.

  • Woah… Wait. I think it just clicked… So MC is writing a story and it’s about Liv? It’s like meta-theater almost.

  • Great length for a first episode.

  • At Starks, maybe switch up your background character’s so they don’t look so defaultish.

  • Ayo, I’m noticing the use of transitions a lot more now.

  • Also, keep your BG characters moving. Use some looping animations so they look like they’re in conversation.

  • OMG how cut is the balconies!!

  • Samantha is at the wrong layer when she goes to kiss Scott.

  • I went to start episode 3, but it ended there.

So final notes is to basically check all your scaling, because some scenes characters were too big. I think it’s quite an interesting plot, but prepare for people to not quite understand it at first.

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Thank you so much for your honest and very thorough review! I will take another look at the scaling. I think now that I have the zoom worked out, I am more confident in scaling down the characters!

I suspected the story may be a bit confusing at first.
How do you feel about the fact there’s no choices in the dream/story- parts? Can I do this for more chapters or should I abandon the dream? I have loads of stuff that can happen between Liv and Scott as their relationship develops, but don’t want it to become boring.

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