Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

amberose · August 30, 2018, 10:11am

Not that I think you need to tell your readers that there’s no CC in the first place (as in, I think you could skip this explanation at the beginning), but there’s a small typo - alot is actually two separate words: a lot
Nice intro. I love opening credits.
Ok, so Elliot’s backstory is kind of… triggering. I would have appreciated a bit of a warning (more specific than the warning splash) and even maybe an option to skip it. I just was not prepared for something so heavy and even though the description was brief, it was still descriptive.
I think there’s another little type in your choices for the back story. The final option is: I don’t want to hear any/any more.
I think meeting Adrian could have been enhanced with a few added zooms. If you watch the scene, they’re only using the right side of the screen. Maybe if you zoomed in on their torsos and face, you wouldn’t have half a screen empty?
Oooh, I’m not sure what’s happened but now I’m zoomed in on Adrian and I can’t see Kendall
Heheh, I liked the back and forth between Kendall and Stella.
I’ve noticed you haven’t used transitions too much. I think especially when there’s a change of scenery, a short fade out really helps the reader differentiate.
I like the subtly used to tell information about the house. You haven’t flat out said what’s going on but there’s enough clues now to put together the fact there’s a mystery around her new home.
So in the flashback, I would recommend spotting the boys closer to the book shelf. Pay attention to where their feet are. It looks like they’re standing too far away. Also, when we come back to the present, they’re still doing the tinker_loop_ rear animation.
In the flashback to Minnesota, there’s a few layering issues when the rest of the family leave the room.
Tinkerbell is way to young to have kids?
The transition to Kendall’s room was a little random… Is it the next day? How did they get back to her room? I need a little more information here. Perhaps an extra scene is all it would take.
It’s a little hard to believe Kendall’s talking to a fairy saying the legend is only a “fariytale”. You might want to consider adjusting some of Kendall’s reactions. Sometimes fantasy stories have their MC believe too quickly, that it seems unrealistic. You could maybe even have this play out as a choice for the reader: How should Kendall react? Believe the fairy or Be skeptical?
When Kendall is talking to Tom, when she stands up it doesn’t look like she’s standing on the ground.
Ahahaha, I love how you’ve done Ariel and Belle.
I’m just wondering, how much do choices affect the story? I am curious to know if the way I described the boys means I get different relationship points?
Best animation to make Mintyfloss fly!
The next morning Mintfloss and Kendall are both screen left so one’s on top of the other. It looks a bit awkward when they speak to each other.
I’m going to put aside the fact that the likeliness of taking a fairy you just met to school with you is almost 0%, because I’m sure you needed this for the sake of a plot, but I’m just putting this down so you can see I acknowledged the unrealisticness of the situation.
Nice spotting outside of the school. I find with this background, people scale their characters far too big too often.
I loved that you had the whole group of guys wearing the varsity jackets in the cafeteria. I’ve always felt like they’re “school” jackets, so it’s nice to see a group wear them together like they’re on a team or something.
It felt a little rushed in the cafeteria with all the love interests moving around, and being against Mason and acting like they’re already in love with Kendall. I think a few more lines of dialogue are needed just to make it flow better. It’s fine for them to have an interest in Kendall, but you don’t want them to come across as obsessed this early on.
With your intro, I’m not sure if it’s intentionally to have Kendall “pop” into place, but if you want her to start on screen, make sure your placing her there with an “&” instead of “@”
Ok, so I must admit, I’m a little confused as to where this is going… Mintyfloss is just going to stick around and hang out in Earth now? Is the direction of this story more about the love triangle and less about the fact that home girl Kendall is the chose one?! I hope this is looked into further when I read on.
Ah good, Kendall’s stating the obvious for me.
Just a small thing, but when they walk up to the party, why not have Minty and Kendall walk_rear?
Small layering mix up with the chef in the party scene
I’m not a fan of using “anorexic” as an insult
Um, did you forget to change Kendall’s clothes back for the party or did I miss something?
The chef is again in the wrong layer. I’m wondering if maybe the negative (-) is missing from your code when you put in the layer? Because he’s in a new spot now.
During truth or dare, purple haired lady needs to be moved back a layer… or two.
Just be wary of your background characters. Your main ones have a lot going on, so it’s not too noticeable, but some of them are frozen in strange positions.
I know it was nothing too bad and nothing actually happened, but you may want to do a disclaimer before the Mason and Kendall scene and/or give an option to skip.
Kendall said “you can look now” but didn’t change her clothes…
Woah, I can’t believe you let me jump out the window! I for sure thought that both options would just result in Kendall being stopped by the weird lady.
I’m a little confused because… Kendall is wearing her pendant at the moment. I’m not sure if there was a mix up with outfits, because she wasn’t wearing it before, but she is now.
That was a cute little choice for the reader to guess the spell
Again, watch your layers when Kendall walks back over to the group, she walks right on top of Adrian.
I loved that banned for life sign, but when you fade back to the main group, Minty’s still doing that animation from the poster. It would look better if you changed before the reader picks up on the fact that the banned for life poster was just a background.
Layering when the guards bring the gang to the queen. Just be wary of your layers.
I have to say, I saw the mum coming when the queen stayed facing the rear for so long haha.
Sometimes I feel like we miss the opportunity to get answers to important questions… Like I was waiting for the mum to be like “let’s tell your brothers” but instead it’s a flash forward to them going back to Lucinda? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the love interests, but she just found out her mother was alive and her death was something that had taken a toll on the whole family! It needs to be acknowledged sooner rather than later in this case.
Mintyfloss leaving for the night seems random…
So… Adrian’s story was very dramatic. I liked it, but don’t forget that not that much time has passed since Kendall moved here. The fact is he shouldn’t care that much about her yet. I know you had a little time jump in one of the episodes, so I guess we can assume she’s gotten to know all the love interests a lot better, but since we haven’t seen their friendship really blossom that much, it does feel like it’s moving quickly. That being said, I really loved that whole scene (I chose to go further and say I love you back btw (even though I think it’s unrealistic that they would be saying I love you haha)), it was beautifully written and directed. I think maybe I would feel better about it if there had been more scenes to show them getting closer, maybe before they discovered Mintyfloss even.
Interesting place to have a time jump… considering the whole deal about her mum being a queen of another universe! Two months is a bit long, don’t you think? Has Kendall told her brothers? What’s happened to Mintyfloss? These kind of things can’t be skipped over just because Adrian left in my opinion.
In your montage, Kendall and Adrian aren’t changing their clothes… Although I do like that Kendall is reflecting on the fact that she said I love you to him. Adrian changes his clothes for the Halloween part of the montage.
Lol, when you reference a story that’s on my waiting list hahaha!
So something that looks kind of funny on the beach with you BG characters is that you have two girls kissing and a guy facing them and he’s just standing there. It looks like he’s perving hahaha. Was that intentional?
So with spin the bottle… It seems kind of irrelevant to have it crossed between truth or dare. Why not just have truth or dare? Also… they were in a circle around the fire, so theoretically where would the bottle be spinning? Hence why you don’t need the bottle aspect.
Layering when Kendall leaves to walk with Mason!
Mason’s explanation makes me so angry! I can’t even-!
Careful with song lyrics, you’re only allowed to quote four lines per episode.
I liked the use of dummies. I died at the choice of animations to cast spells! This was a great lil montage!
Gah! Layering issues with the paramedic outside the house.
Kissing Scott was done well… and explained well too.
I liked all the pirate backgrounds.
Finding the crown was too easy and kind of rushed… I’m going to link you to this because you’re starting to get a bit too carried away with the idea that magic can fix everything, ie. Kendall being able to get rid of the ship and the water so easily… You know, if she could do that, why couldn’t she stop the storm?
Wow, the coding for that spell against Lucinda with the fading transition looked awesome.

So overall, it’s an interesting read. I did enjoy it for the most part, but found some things a little too unrealistic to fully believe. The layering thing seems to be a reoccurring problem, so you might want to go through your script and fix that all up. And just work on balancing the fantasy world with the romance. They’re both equally important to your plot, but because of that, they both need the same amount of attention to detail.