Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Creator's Corner Share Feedback
291

@Days - Crossed Paths

  • Ok, so as previously mentioned, I’ll be starting your review from where I was up to (chapter 4 btw, and I’ve been given a free pass as I now need to re-read (thanks lol))

  • I liked your new splash… With your chapter splash I’m wondering if the quote is relevant to the chapter/storyline or if you just liked that particularly quote…

  • Oh, I remember first reading this flashback/dream scene and thinking you were going to go down the I-had-an-abusive-ex route (which I guess you still might- there’s still time) but I was happy that it wasn’t. Like you made me really like Mindy’s old boyfriend.

  • I always liked your directing in that you kept this guy a mystery with having no display name and strategic zooms.

  • Minor typo when Mindy’s pregnant - “Men. Can’t live with them. Can’t live with out them.r” - you could probably do without the “.r” there at the end haha.

  • “I better sleep it off” HAHAHAHA, how relateable!

  • I love the rushed outfit choice. I cannot stand when an MC is running late but still takes half an hour to try on every outfit, so that was good! Realism and all.

  • Ah, cool effect with the overlays when she arrives to class late.

  • Joanne is wearing a graduation gown and I am confused…

  • So outside on campus, might look better to have your BG characters doing looping animations. Right now the ones on my screen are frozen at the end of animation positions, so it doesn’t look quite natural.

  • I saw Mindy’s finger on screen when Miara is asking for a favour. I know what you’re up to… flirt_fingersnap

  • For the effect of whispering, why not try a text effect? Instead of the readerMessage telling your readers to just pretend?

  • I see you with the shush animation with Derek in the hospital. Might want to move your zoom or his placement so you don’t ruin the illusion :wink:

  • The scene after the jog, Mindy “pops” up right next to Derek. Don’t forget to place her using “&” so she doesn’t just appear out of thin air.

  • Typo - very minor - “THe ladybugs kept on flying away from me despite how much I loved them” - and also, wow! What a line, smooooth Derek, smooth.

  • So… is Mindy just oblivious to the fact that SHE is the ladybug to him? Not a fan of this fact going over her head! I would have liked to see her realise what it meant that that was her nickname.

  • I liked that you’ve got a blended family for Mindy. I don’t see that much in Episode stories.

  • I see more shush animations hahahaha. You really like them, hey? This time it was the Sebastian in the background while the father’s were talking.

  • I liked that all your outfit choices were different from each other. You’ve got something girly, classic, and more chill so you appeal to every type of reader.

  • wtf at her mum’s ex hitting on her… :flushed:

  • Again, I think a text effect could be a great way to convey a whisper between people. Maybe italics and in the colour grey?

  • I admire how clever you are to incorporate basically what is an add for your next story. GENIUS.

  • Irrelevant to the review, but about this new story… I obviously don’t know too much about it, but I am hoping Morgana is evil. Is that weird? Like, I’m hoping this will be a fake-love story lol… Though now near the end it doesn’t look that will be the case.

  • um lol! That waitress is hilarious!

  • Sebastian and Joanne!!! Oooh!

  • I actually don’t like being given a hint as to which choice would give a bonus scene… Though I believe I am a minority.

  • Well, Mindy agreed to go without much hesitation… Not a very realistic response in my opinion. I’d be a lot more crankier if someone woke me up and wouldn’t even give me details.

  • I liked the comebacks Mindy was coming up with for the creep haha

  • I am so lost… WHO IS THIS TRISTAN GUY? Have I missed something? It’s getting pretty late where I am as I type this so it’s possible I missed something, but why all of a sudden is Mindy like Derek, who?

  • Ok, so Tristan works for Mindy’s mum’s ex husband… Hm, complicated…

  • Yeah, so as much as I think Tristan’s better looking than Derek, I did not feel the insta-attraction as much as those two seemed to have. You might want to play that scene back and see if you can stretch out the attraction between them. I know this sounds super cringe, but trying slowing it down, adding a bit more lust - if you want your readers to feel something real for Tristan this far into your story, you’re going to need to turn up the heat a bit more…

  • Ooohh… I didn’t have enough friendship points with Joanne hahahah

  • I just noticed… From Derek’s POV you add his name to the narration bubbles, but not in Mindy’s POV.

And that brings me up to speed. Directing is near flawless, though you might want to adjust some placements for those pesky arms during shush animations. There was the two typos I pointed out too. Overall some great funny moments! But if you’re going to take anything away from this, I would really recommend you work on that insta-connection Mindy and Tristan had (which, if you’re like me, will be a lot of work because romance is hard, but I promise you it’s well worth it) and really focus on making it realistic, not rushed, and something your readers can get on board with.

2 Likes