Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories


#294

:joy::joy: I noticed that too and again, thank you :heart:


#295

I realised you have some questions - you took the time to provide feedback so the least I could do is answer the questions :sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart:

  • Mindy is in fact aware (actually I will tweak this scene so it makes more sense) but she sort of pushes it down, she is worried about all the implications behind it all (ladybug scene).

  • Ah so the story The Critic (story in a story haha) is a spin off of Crossed Paths. This is Mindy’s favourite movie and is “based on a true story”.

  • I feel like with Tristan I need to sort of ease him in and as you suggested, kinda make the scene longer, that way the reader sort of lingers on this idea of Tristan. I feel like there needs to be more flirtation, more attraction but perhaps I could contrast the feelings of the two men? Derek and Mindy have what I consider a more sustainable relationship, like a campsite fire - cozy, warm and known.
    Mindy and Tristan are bound to be a whirlwind, so I think I might add some flirtation between the two, Tristan is flirting his ass off but Mindy is bouncing off with smartass remarks - some what flanter :joy:

  • Also, I am going to do some changes - not major ones but small tweaks as I feel these will improve the story more (you always have helped me grow as a writer, thank you!)


#296

AHAHAHA! (Again, you are always on at the same time as me. I literally saw you typing and was wondering what you were about to post)

  • I thought this might have been the case tbh, but I think a little inner thoughts might be needed to show she understands it’s flirting maybe?
  • Can’t wait!
  • I get you! You want your love interests to be different and thus, the way their relationships form must be different too. It’s going to be hard to get the right balance of instant attraction between Mindy and Tristan, but I have confidence you’ll be able to do it. I like the sound of Tristan flirting and Mindy being a smartass (I’d guess that would be just the thing to turn Tristan on haha)
  • AWWW you’re welcome. Can’t wait to re-read that chapter to see the Tristan/Mindy scene changes tbh

#297

:sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart: haha I saw you typing as well thinking what she gonna write

Lmao Tristan loves a feisty woman so Mindy is going to be unwittingly turning him on loool and thank you again (I thank you all the time but I just cannot even with how helpful you are)


#298

[

Can you review my story?
This is my story:

Name: Coincidence or Destiny

Description:

Aurora loved her life, but during the summer she met a boy and her life starts to change completely

The meeting was coincidence or destiny?

Chapters: 7

Genre: Drama

Style: Ink

Link:


#299

@fluffyrice - Loving You Again

  • Sorry to start your review this way but man I hate author notes!

  • Hmm, based off of the year and location of this story I feel like I’m going to have a huge connection to the female MC! (And yes, I did look up the place they moved to to see if these fictional people live near me… It’s made up, isn’t it?)

  • I like that you’ve used a filter for your first scene - it always gives a little insight as to how advanced you can expect a story to be if they’re utilising some of the special effects this early on.

  • This is me just being picky, but if you feel advanced enough, maybe add some BG characters in the hallways. Since she’s not running late, I imagine there’s be a few more people wondering the halls.

  • And when she does go to class, have her walk rear towards the door.

  • The spotting is a little weird when Sierra meets Dayna after school. Sierra looks smaller but is a layer in front Dayna.

  • “I’m still a virgin” !?! Good! She’s in year 7!

  • I bet the guy is Peter… Or I hope so anyway, because DRAMA!

  • I was right! Yay!

  • Noooooooo ANOTHER AUTHOR NOTE?! You’re killing me… Love that outro splash though. Very clever!

  • Another author note… You know if people are binge reading, like I am right now, there going to be seeing back to back author notes, so if you really want to do one every beginning and ending of each chapter, try and keep them brief.

  • So in the cafe, maybe considering adding some close up zooms. I find with three or more characters on screen, sometimes only two are talking and the other character/s just kind of look awkward and frozen. So maybe zoom on whoever’s talking until Dayna leaves?

  • I would have loved to have seen a bit more banter and hate between Sierra and Peter before that little time skip. I just love frenemy ships, so I wanted to see more!

  • Aha, that was a funny scene with the banana (fun fact: my school separated the boys and girls PE classes in year 8, because we did sex ed that year and for some reason didn’t want both genders to be in the same room for it lol)

  • Due to the time skip, it felt a little random for the girls to care if Peter still liked Dayna. I imagine if we’d seen more of their year 7 friendship, that question would have been answered in that time.

  • Woah! That outfit choice! You know the one I am talking about

  • Casually bumbing into your mum’s friend at the shops where they “catch up” for what feels like hours is REALISM right there!

  • Just thought this conversation might interest you. I am bias against author notes, but there are some people who like them, so perhaps this topic will give you ideas on how people other than me feel about them (since I am worried you are overdoing it)

  • I was a little surprise the next chapter didn’t continue with anything at the mall.

  • Wait, they’re really only figuring out they were childhood friend’s after a year? (Since based on a true story, I have to ask… Really took you a year to figure out?)

  • Now this is more like it! Loving the cafe scene where they fight!

  • Another realistic touch I’ve noticed is how the kids still get lifts home. It’s true to their age.

  • So I’ve just been credited a new pass so I guess you have edited something? Oh a new cover too. Wow, crazy timing.

  • Oooh some background characters in the hallway… That wasn’t there before…

  • Um huh at the ending is right! What the heck? Hahaha (ohhhh… It was a dream!)

  • Nice shoutout to HJ there.

  • I love all these subtly puberty remarks.

  • I’ve noticed you use the word “confess” a fair bit when character’s are talking about flirting or admitting they like someone. Since it’s not really a common term used, maybe consider having that be one character’s go-to word for it, and use a different term when a different character is talking about it.

  • Alex confessing is giving me second hand embarrassment.

  • Yes yes yes… The over the shoulder recorded scene is EVERYTHING… But then Sierra was at the wrong layer when she left the park. Bring her up a layer and it would be perfect!

  • I love how your chapter description revolves around the mufti day. That was how my life felt on mufti days, they were so important. American’s would never understand.

  • The fart… I have to ask… Is that part based on the true story? (Side note: such a random scene!)

  • Sierra needed to be moved back a layer when she was washing her hands

  • Be wary of looping animations when Sierra is on the phone at the mall. She looks like she’s still talking when Dayna’s lines come up.

  • Was going to comment on how hella awkward that whole episode was! Everything that could go wrong for Sierra did go wrong. But that was a cute ending… I would suggest, maybe when you get more advanced with your directing to spend more time on that spin the bottle scene. Switching up angles and zooms could make it look really pro!

  • Dayna looks scaled slightly too large on the couch.

  • Yes! Cheering that you’ve done a seniors uniform!

  • I really liked your winter dress up options

  • Spotting outside the store was perfectly scaled!

  • Inside the store, I’d say it’s worth the extra effort to get the overlays for the shelves/counter so when Sierra walks to the shelf, her elbows don’t stick out.

  • It’s like a true 7/11 not having an attendent there

  • I am experiencing so much second hand embarrassment at that pocky game :flushed:

  • In the movie Daniel and Ally’s kiss had a weird pause. Are you using “THEN” in your script to have it flow better?

  • Ugh just cringing so hard at Sierra getting friendzoned basically

  • I liked your test options “your mum’s chest hair”

  • Also liked for the test, you didn’t use class backgrounds. True Aussies always had to go to the hall for their tests haha

  • I liked your directing at the clothes store, because you maneuvered it in such a way that you don’t need the overlays

  • OMG double cringe at seeing a teacher outside of school dressed like that!

  • Wow, Kimberly’s text messages are sent on my birthday! Trippy

  • Awkward moment when one of Kimberly’s dress options is what Sierra is wearing :eyes:

  • Party spotting was on point!

  • Oh gosh, Dayna’s mum :weary: If there was an award for most cringe scenes, you’d win

  • Dayna’s mum needed to move forward a layer btw.

  • Dun dun dunnnnn! Cliff hanger ending for that episode…

  • I quite like this “getting to know other characters” bit. Idk if it was necessary, but it’s nice, and I like the little backgrounds you’ve made to make it feel like a school photos book or something.

  • Also noting the convenient timing of you doing this when the last episode ended with a kiss… :smirk:

  • Weird, I actually knew who half your shoutouts were before you explained them.

  • Song lyrics: You’re only allowed a maximum of 4 lines per episode… Timothy was two lines over the limit. Careful.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The karaoke “video”. Just the way you used the curtain transition was so accurate.

  • Er, I know episode animations are limited, but I feel as though Peter and Sierra look too depressed, when they should look more “awkward” instead of sad.

  • Ohh technically Alex can’t sing because of the song lyrics line limit.

  • Nice directing when Vivian’s mum comes in. I liked the fall and then how you got Peter and Sierra to peek out from behind the table.

  • You know when they sit on the bench, “Kristine” is narrating. Is that how it’s supposed to be or is it just force of habit to type that since it’s you?

  • Birthday cake scene is another great example of your directing skills. Good spotting, nice use of overlays and all the layers were spot on.

  • Your train background is the epitome of Sydney!

  • Ok, so when I first started your review, I think I said something about the timeskip in year 7 how I felt it was too soon or something? (I’m too lazy to see what I wrote) Anyway, I get it now what you’re going for anf these time jumps are ok, because they’re constant throughout your story. I do still think I would have liked to have seen more of year 7, but now this far along in this story, it’s still fine without it.

  • I really liked your backgrounds for the years changing and photos, that was super cute!

  • One thing though is that I felt like choices were scarce and didn’t influence the story too much. You had a few ones that felt like they would have changed the scene a bit if I had chosen another option. Outfit choices are fine, but choices for what food to eat (even though we’ve all done it at some point) are one way to tell when an author doesn’t have choices that heavily matter and they’re only including because they feel like they need some choices. I would recommend instead to give readers choices on how to respond to questions and such. It won’t change the story line too much, if at all, but your readers will still feel like they’re making Sierra their own. Example of this would be during spin the bottle, when Sierra has to kiss Peter - choices" “ew, yuck!” or “I guess this won’t be so bad” - see how she’ll still kiss Peter either way? But your readers will still feel like they have a better attachment to Sierra because they’ve been given a choice about the situation.

  • Overall, a cute story. Pretty realistic tbh, even though it made me cringe so much at times!!!


#300

Hey hey! Thank you for this review.

Yes, everything that occurred in this story is indeed true and has actually happened to me in real life. Of course I had to fabricate the suburb names because I didn’t want to reveal where I’m actually from in Sydney. :stuck_out_tongue: I had to do quick time skips because nothing significant happened in those earlier years. The “main factor” is when the characters finally reach the adult stage (present day) so it explains all the time jumps, so we’re still in the back story stage. Didn’t want to deem my story to be too draggy.

Thanks for the layering points, I’ve had reviewers point that out but I wasn’t sure which specific episode I had problems with. I’ll admit my directing was a bit lazy in the early episodes though, haha.

What do you mean about the maximum of “4 lines per episode?”

The “awkward” thing in episode 8, we were both sad (in real life) during the conversation when we were coming to the realisation that our friendship isn’t the same anymore (as how I remembered it), but I’ll re-read my story again :slight_smile:

When they are sitting on the bench and the author is narrating that part, it’s intentional. The story is about my life, and it was me actually talking about remembering how I felt during that time. :slight_smile:

Anyways, I really appreciate this detailed live review! I’ll be sure to fix a few things based on the pointers given here. Thank you so much. :slight_smile: :slight_smile:


#301

@Jane_Vent @CeCeWrites.Episode - DD: SHATTERED

Well this is incredibly overdue! Congrats on winning… Not sure if you still need/want my thoughts, but I wanted to read it anyway, so I may as well write what I think anyway

  • Oooh what a first impression. Love the hands.

  • Oh, the hands continue? Oh my, it’s quite a hands on dance sequence you’ve got there.

  • I love that even though LL’s clothing is limited, you’ve managed to make all the characters in the flashback look like they’re from another time period.

  • I really liked the partner dancing when they all switched partners. It was aesthetically appealing just to watch it all synchronized on my screen.

  • Not sure how I feel about the collective grinding at the second ball/celebration.

  • I have a real soft spot for Calliope. And I think I’m very attached to this story within a story too.

  • For things like “BABY 5YO” and “LADY2” I always recommend changing the display name.

  • Woah, your hands holding the phone overlays are incredible!

  • Wow, the effort you went to with your dressing game. Not just the mirror overlay, the fact that you gave every outfit a jacket/jumper!

  • OMG I took every possible wrong path in that mini game!

  • Genius idea turning that poster into a window.

  • I’m liking that each time Baby is given a choice of how to respond, there’s a confident/sassy way or a timid/shy way. It makes me feel like I’m shaping her personality. Not sure if there’s a right and a wrong option, but I’m getting Johnny +1 each time, so I must be doing something right

  • The narration and dialogue in this feels really natural to me.

  • Oh, I totally forgot about the whole curse thing until she made Johnny promise they weren’t going to fall in love hahaha.

  • Ooooh the scene in the lake was cool. I love that you haven’t made her just naturally be good at dancing.

  • I am wondering how she managed to sneak out all these other times while it’s been broad daylight.

  • I’m not sure if this was a glitch, but when I chose to go off at Johnny after they kissed, when Baby says “Not hard enough!” it zooms on to a blank spot on the background instead of Baby… Or maybe Baby disappeared? Not sure, but might want to check to be safe.

  • Woah, so cool, the EYE. I thought episode 2 would end with Johnny confessing his love, but now I know why you chose this spot instead.

  • I’ve never been big on art scenes, but I just realised my outfit was a choice, which means you got two art scenes, just so it would look like my characters! That’s amazing, great job going to the extra effort.

  • Well, geez it didn’t take much for Penny to switch ships :roll_eyes:

  • The crystal ball was a nice touch. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Calliope

Well I can definitely see why you both won the contest. It was a really great read and I can’t wait to continue. Congratulations again!


#302

Interesting! I’ve still yet to do an Aussie story, but I have a really rough draft of one and was tossing up between using real suburbs or not.

Thinking back to my own time in year 7/year 8, I guess it can be pretty “draggy” as you put it, but I can’t help but want to see more of the frenemyship in those years, even if you’d have to make up some of it, I still think it would be cool, but it’s up to you. You’re so far into it that it’s not going to affect you whether you do or don’t.

With song lyrics in episode stories, you can only include 4 lines from a song. Most chorus’s are four lines, for example, so you are only allowed that (Actually come to think of it, the limit might be 5. Don’t quote me!) much. Otherwise, your story could get reported for breaching copy right or whatever the legal term is. Better to be safe than sorry.

Oh gosh, episode 8… You poor thing! You are really brave to put this all into a story. I would much rather let my truth die and make up fiction instead, so bravo to you.


#303

@RainbowCat - Dreams and Nightmares

  • So I am not a really a big fan of the “foster parents abused MC” backstory, which I’m guessing is going to play a big part in this story? I get if it’s a plot point, then of course you need it. I do think if this is important to the plot, make the intro more unique. We’ve seen the servant room be panned over plenty of times in other stories to establish that the MC is basically a poor, abused servant girl. Perhaps a montage of her with various other families would work better? Provided you show her doing different tasks and chores for each foster family? And maybe even a clip of her going to the police and them not believing her (btw, not sure what time period and country this is set in, but REALLY? By law, police have to take all reports of abuse seriously and investigate. If this is set in modern time, I’d rather see this be explored and have Scarlet’s old foster family just hide all the evidence against them rather than the police not believe her… It’s a more realistic approach)

  • I’d recommend changing Dave’s appearance and clothing so he doesn’t look like one of the default characters…

  • Woah, so for episode 1 there’s so far been a lot of Scarlet getting hit by a man, reference to sexual assault and insinuation of more sexual and physical abuse to come. I actually had to check the guidelines before I wrote this comment because I wasn’t sure if you were maybe pushing the limits. All I will say is be very careful with this subject and tread lightly. Also, I think your warning splash at the beginning might need to be emphasized a lot more now that I’ve seen some of the content. This is definitely not starting out as a story for everyone, and so you probably want to drill that in at the beginning so for readers who might find this triggering will know what to expect.

  • So I’m hoping that you’re not setting this up to be some love story between Scarlet and Jason… By his inner thoughts, I’m guessing he’s supposed to come across as not being as into this whole business as his brother…? But just please don’t have this be a romance! That would actually be breaking guidelines, I’m pretty sure, since it would be romanticizing the black market and sex trafficking.

  • Dave says “I can pay your father enough money if I take advantage of you”. Should it be carer or legal guardian since it was only her foster dad?

  • If you read my OP, you probably know I’m going to tell you not to have the author note there at the end. A simple “here’s where you can follow me and let me know what you think in the fanmail” would have been just fine, if you want to leave it short and sweet.

  • I think there was a glitch in the car scene because Jason and Scarlet all of a sudden disappear, then I can see one of their hands sticking out from the left so I think they moved zones?

  • I know it’s just a dressing game, but considering the tone of the story, “admire” probably is not the best animation to use for the outfit previews.

  • I enjoy your choices on whether we should feel like we can trust certain characters. Even if I’m not influencing the story, it still feels like I’m getting to form Scarlet’s opinions on things.

  • I think I’m just really struggling to connect to Scarlet. If I imagine myself in her shoes, I’d have so many more questions for all of them instead of just befriending Lola. Like Scarlet says “you’ve been the nicest person to me in years” which I guess is true, but doesn’t the nice thing cancel out because Lola’s family literally BOUGHT her? And none of them have explained why, or where she is. They all offer to take her home, but don’t even explain where she is or why…

  • And she hasn’t tried to ask Mary about it either… I think my curiosity would have gotten the better of me in Scarlet’s situation and I would be bugging everyone for answers by now.

  • I like that you used white fade transitions for the dream/nightmare. You may want to also test out some of the filters episode has for the dream/nightmare scene.

  • I really want to hit Jason. “I’m not friendly around new people” UM? He literally bought her and he’s trying to make excuses for not being “friendly”. Please don’t let him be a love interest.

  • I also want to hit their mum. She’s just way too chill for someone who’s children buy people at auctions…

  • Your spot placement in the hide out is perfect.

  • Sometimes when you walk your characters to a particular spot (like to the couch in the library) they move very quickly. Try adding in the seconds (@SCARLET walks to spot XYZ in S) so that it looks more naturally timed.

  • Ok, I admit you’ve got me intrigued with the Smiths’ family now. I’m going to guess a rival gang maybe?

  • I like that the gang sort of has their own uniforms. It actually took me a while to click on to this.

  • …So I know they bought Scarlet and all, but if they were offering to take her back to her family before, why aren’t they offering to set her free now that she’s turning 18?

  • Ooh my guess was right about Dexter Smith.

  • Ok, possibly my favourite scene so far was Jason and his mum talking about whether it’s possible for him to care more about the gang. I would have loved to have seen this go on longer. It was like the perfect mother-son dialogue and really represented their relationship.

  • Aw you rejected a choice. When Jason offered Scarlet his jacket, I chose no, but he still have it to her anyway. I don’t like when a story rejects what the reader chose, because it kind of makes the choice seem pointless. I can only think that for some reason the jacket is needed to be worn by Scarlet for something significant now.

  • The day she fell in love? Noooooooo I still don’t want her to love Jason!

  • Right, even though I still don’t like Jason, I’m glad he acknowledges how wrong it was to “set them up”. Admitting it is good! I wish the other characters were as woke as him haha

  • Another great mother and son talk. I still don’t like him though. I see you trying to make him the good guy, but I’m still not on board. (Also I’m just remembering now that we still don’t know what they usually buy girls from the auction for…!)

  • This is just me being picky, but instead of saying someone took over her file, it should be she got a new case worker. I’m also happy to see that someone else noticed how strange seven different foster families is hahahaha

  • I’m glad to see Scarlet’s finally asking some questions, like about the uniform and body guards. Better late than never.

  • Aw, I wasn’t expecting that from Nina the bodyguard.

  • When Scarlet looks around the ball, it might look better to have the other characters dancing or talking?

  • Oh, they’re waiting for Jason and Scarlet to start? Ok…

  • I actually forgot that those girls were the ones from the beginning (I read the first episode like 3 days ago). I like that, I like that they come back now, so that they weren’t just pointless at the beginning.

  • Nope nope nope. I am not liking how Lola is explaining why they buy girls. Sorry but just no. I don’t like how it’s trying to make them look like a “good” gang. Like they’re still a gang! And if they’re buying girls only to set them free, then are they really the most dangerous gang around? Probably not. I don’t think you can ever win me over to like this gang haha.

  • Your shoutouts at the end are pretty cute.

  • I do sort of have to ask, if the gang doesn’t deal drugs and such, what makes them a gang? And what makes them the most dangerous gang? I should have probably mentioned this earlier, but I work with someone who’s like properly in an actual gang, so I know a lot about them (well, I know a lot about his gang to be specific), so I am kind of particular about the finer details with things like this. I don’t want to just be told they’re dangerous, I want to find out that they actually ARE.

  • Not sure if you meant to do this, but Jason is still in his suit in episode 11.

  • Once they’re back in the gang hideout, the panning back and forth between zone 1 and 2 gets a bit tedious. After two or three pans, maybe just use cuts to zone # .

Ok, so gang stories have never really been my thing, so I’m probably not the best reviewer for your story to start off with because I’m bias. What I will say is that this whole human auction thing is a very sensitive subject, and I think that’s my biggest issue with this story. Without the auction, I could maybe be more invested. Also I’m pretty sure there was a really popular story that got banned because of having a human auction. You need to tread lightly, because having Scarlet end up loving the family that bought her is almost like romanticizing it (which is what I mentioned before with the guidelines). To avoid this, I really think you’re going to need extra scenes. Sometimes it felt like Scarlet didn’t care that they bought her and she was happy to just roam the house and cook food and what not - this is why in one of the earlier episodes, you really need to have her demand answers or get frustrated that she has no idea what’s going on. Even if her life in foster care was awful, she shouldn’t be so relieved that a nice gang family bought her. You have got to put yourself in her shoes and think how you would react if you were in her position. Maybe you could also ask some friends and family these questions too, so you can write in the most realistic response. I just think overall you need to take more time to build up the friendship between Scarlet and the family. Slow down the pace a bit more.

In terms of directing, where I can be unbiased, I don’t think I saw many errors, though I would recommend adding and switching up your zooms from time to time. I only noticed you used zooms twice. Once on Jason outside of the house when Scarlet was checking him out and on Scarlet
when they’re about to go on their sate. It doesn’t have to be anything too fancy if you’re still learning, but sometimes close up shots suit the theme of the scene. It’s a good bridging point to start off with if you want to eventually learn how to do advanced directing. I’d also like to say your episode length was perfect! I never once felt like I’d wasted a pass.


#304

Thanks for this review! I really appreciate the feedback.

Really? I think it’s different in my country because I know a few cases when they didn’t do anything because they thought it was just a joke. But I’ll think about including this in a later episode.

With those choices you really influence the story, I’m using a point system with those choices and weather you chose to trust her or not, you’ll unlock different scenes later.

Because they found out there was something wrong with her case at the foster care system.

It didn’t say who or what she fell in love with :wink: But honestly, there will be more romance with Jason but also a choice to go a totally different way and find new people.

There’ll be a backstory about Jason’s father which will explain why they are said to be the most dangerous gang.

Thanks for telling me, I didn’t notice that!

I did and they told me they would react the same way because they would have learned to not ask questions and just do what’s expected from them. But I’ll think about what you said and see how I can make it better.

Thanks again for reading and giving me great advice! It really helps me improve!


#305

Ok, I was actually wondering if the point system was involved. It was set up to feel as though it was anyway, so nice job.

Now seeing what you’re saying I’m going to guess you’ve planned this to be more like a long novel? It sounds like there’s still a lot more to the plot, that would have explained the things I didn’t know.

LOL your friends and family must be so different to me! I’d ask so many questions that a gang member would have shot me by episode 3… Maybe episode 4 at the latest!


#306

Yes, I still have a lot of things in my brain that I haven’t even hinted on until now (as I did with some other things)

Well, it’s good everybody is different!


#307

Same @amberose :sweat_smile: I’m not just gonna sit around and go with it-I will DEMAND for answers!


#308

Hey! Idk if you’re still adding people to the waiting list, but I’d be thrilled if you reviewed my story <3
Title: Subverted
Author: Epithet
Genre: Fantasy
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5810209749336064


#309

@MonicaCristina - Dear Lilly

  • So before I start, I just noticed that you requested this exactly a month ago, and said you had 4 episodes and now you have 7, so you must be really fast with updates!

  • NOOOOOOOOOO not an author’s note at the beginning!

  • I’m not too sure on this, but I believe a test won’t say someone has amnesia, it would just show head trauma and the doctors would diagnose her with amnesia after talking to her and asking questions. Not positive, but I am pretty sure scans and things won’t show amnesia, so you might want to change the wording.

  • I like that you have staff in the background of the hospital.

  • In the second scene Damien is in the wrong zone when he’s on the phone. Was that so we don’t see his face?

  • Love that when she finds out her age, she reacts because she’s almost 30. Lol

  • When Ryder enters, and Lilly wants him to be her fiance (which I am totally 100% on board with! This is going to be dramatic, I just know it), she says “PLEASE TELL HE HIS MY FIANCE” but I think you meant to say: PLEASE TELL ME HE’S MY FIANCE

  • What scandalous first choice you’ve given your readers hahaha… Although, why didn’t her sister stop them?

  • I like that you’ve used a filter in your flashback, but watch your BG characters. Some of them were scaled way off with their sizing.

  • Damien’s letter… Well, all I’ll say is if my boyfriend/fiance of three years couldn’t get past his insecurities to see me in hospital, it wouldn’t matter how cute the recreating the dates idea is, I’d be angry. So you can bet I’m on team Ryder! I’m actually now wondering if all these letters (which I’m guessing are pretty important because of the title) are going to lead Lilly straight into Ryder’s hands…

  • In the next flashback, young Lucy needs to be brought forward a layer

  • :hushed: ( I chose not to get back at Rose)… I hate when a choice gets rejected! But I like that you acknowledged it, so I’ll let it slide…

  • THEY CUT HER HAIR?? Not cool…

  • In the next flashback at the park, your BG characters need to be scaled smaller

  • Omg yes at everything that was the ending of episode 2. I love how you’ve been doing your flashes for the transitions of the flashbacks. And you’ve kept the same filter for consistency. Most of all I love that Lilly agrees with me. She is totally team Ryder and is low-key angry at Damien, so I am very happy.

  • After the next flashback/memory, when we come back to the present, Lilly is wearing different clothes

  • When Monica does the flirt_fingersnap animation to get that ending look, I see her hand when it’s zoomed in Lilly. Maybe face her the other way for the animation then turn her around again

  • Lilly switches outfits again at the beginning of episode 5. It wasn’t what I had her wearing…

  • So when they get to the restaurant and Lilly sees Adam, have her face rear like the others are. Otherwise it doesn’t actually look like she’s seen him.

  • Lol, I’m just imagining how long your script must be for the restaurant scene since you have Lily doing so many animations while the narration goes. It looks good.

  • I needed more time to read Damian’s second letter!

  • Oh, you’re narrating the note, nevermind…

  • Dr Hottie looks a lot like what Damien looks like from behind :thinking: I wonder…

  • Wait! WTF pregnant?? Ooooh! You know I love that she’s 29 and pregnant. So much more realistic than other episode stories who would have made their MC a teen.

  • Even though I still despise author notes, I laughed at this one after you said that about it “becoming another pregnancy story”. It’s a shame you have to mention that, because if they app wasn’t flooded with teen pregnancy, you wouldn’t need to assure people that you’ve still got more coming.

  • Ooooh this thunderstorm looks hectic! Nice directing.

  • Wait, she lost the baby already?

  • I think you must just like that style of hair and jawline combined together because the doctor, Damian and Adam all sort of look similar.

  • Usually I know from the get-go who I’d chose for an MC for her LI but I’m actually struggling with this because now I like Adam too.

  • Adam’s sleeping with his glasses on?

  • Ok a really minor thing, but Lilly running on the beach whilst wearing high heals?? Hahahha, impossible!

  • Run away with Lilly? But why? What about her job? And check ups at the doctors about her amnesia?

  • I wanted to ask where you got your blanket overlay from? It looks so much like the one I have for one of my stories

  • Every time Lilly walks to the dresser, she’s walking back but facing forwards. Have her walk_rear

  • So I’ve read this over the course of two days and I’m pretty pleased with where I’m at now with Ryder. I do want to see where this goes because I thought the title sort of meant the letters would be continuous throughout the whole thing. But I trust you have a plan for this anyway.

  • Only note I would add as an overall thing is sometimes you had capital letters for words that didn’t need to have a capital letter as they were in the middle of a sentence. I only saw it maybe 4 or 5 times, so it was nothing major to worry about, just keep an eye out when editing.


#310

Well you’d get shot too :hushed:


#311

Will do. (I’m always adding to the list, btw, just occasionally slow with the reading part lol)


#312

At least I was brave :pleading_face::heartpulse:
Seriously, if they think I’m just going to go along with it, they got another thing coming-I will fight, and try to knock as much of them out as possible, using tactics…and if they get me, alas, I tried…:flushed:


#313

Ahaha :laughing: That’s the spirit!