@sofia123 - Search for love
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My first thoughts were “noooo this looks like a gang story”… but then one of your splashes had a cop uniform so now I have hope lol.
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I loved your intro. Like seriously! If you’ve stalked this thread a bit, you’d know I always take the intro as a sign of how the rest of the story will be. So in your case, you’ve done something different with your zooms, got great use of overlays and weather effects and done a lot of “show don’t tell” to set the scene and I really love that. It doesn’t start off basic is what I’m trying to say! Haha
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So at the crime scene (which has the perfect amount of BG characters btw) the crime scene tape overlay looks MASSIVE once you zoom in on the victims’ family.
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Were Noah and Nicole the ones in the wedding scene? Hmm… Going out on a limb here and predicting that the wedding scene isn’t a real wedding, it’s a fake one to lure a murderer or something. I probs should not be guessing this early on but I can’t help it with stories like this.
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Typo? “In these two mouths we suffer from big crimes…”
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I’m not sure if men and women would both be kept together in jail, even though they’re not in the same cell, they still wouldn’t be around each other.
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I’m guessing English is not your first language? There’s a few sentences that don’t have the correct punctuation and a couple of wordings are off, but they’re all really minor things anyway! The two I’ve seen so far that you might want to change though:
“turn off your cigarette” should be “put out your cigarette” and the choice “I don’t make deals with persons like you!” should be “I don’t make deals with people like you.” -
Characters are a scaled a bit too big when they’re in their cars during the chase… But I loved the side view of the cars and seeing how close they kept getting
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Your TV overlay with the news reporter doesn’t seems to be aligned just right.
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The wording of this choice to tell her father should look more like this:
Should I talk about this discussion with my father?
“Yes, he has to know about this.”
“No, he doesn’t” -
So when Nicole speaks to her dad and she has a flashback to the deal, I never asked Inmate Scott what kind of deal… So the flashback is a little off, but it also doesn’t matter because even though I made another choice, I did find out what deal anyway.
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Ooooh I had a feeling her parents were going to set her up Noah, but I’m really curious as to why…
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I thought that was a prefect episode 1 - you set everything up really well.
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Hate the author note at the end, but that’s just because I hate all author notes. I will say though, I don’t understand what the point of CC at the end was? I’d prefer it without, especially since you seem to have a certain look for Nicole anyway.
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Woah! Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like the child abuser, but he got shot in front of a kid! Poor girl will be traumatized.
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I want to know how long Ryan was in jail for, because Laura is saying he visits every week?
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Ooh and now we get to meet Natalya - did not see that coming hahaha
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Nice cliff hanger for the end of episode 2.
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Oh so Laura is also sleeping with one of the gang members? Hmm… I wasn’t as impressed with this one as I was with Natalya’s reveal.
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SO I “risked it and took Ryan home” because I wanted to see the obvious “bad” choice. I wouldn’t make one of the choices gold if I were you because it’s showing the good choice and the bad choice Why not let your readers be surprised?
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And I end up at Natalya’s anyway? Ok…
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Actually… Why hasn’t Nicole arrested him yet? I know he saved her life… But still…
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I loved the scene where Noah is interrogating Logan. The directing and overlays were amazing.
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Your author note at the end of episode 3 is unimportant now that you have 14 episodes published haha
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So I feel like the only reason she isn’t arresting Ryan is because of her friends? But her friends aren’t dating him. She could still put him in jail and they’d be fine with it. It’s actually making her a bit of a crooked cop to not turn him in.
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Oooh that thing you did with the cigarette falling looked cool. Well actually most of your directing has been cool come to think of it.
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OMG! Noah being evil… I feel like I should have guessed that, but I just thought he was some love sick puppy.
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The dad’s response to Noah saying he had real feelings for Nicole was priceless.
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Something really annoys me about Ryan showing up to save Nicole from those two guys. Like she’s a cop, she shouldn’t need saving from a gang leader.
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You know what, your directing is just, like, it’s CLEVER. The arm overlay when Ryan’s about to kiss her is one thing, but I can see the tiniest bit of a phone over Nicole’s shoulder, so I can see you’ve used some phone holding animation to make it look like he’s staring intently at her. It’s genius.
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And the arms overlays during the kiss were perfect.
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I like how Robbert died… Is that weird? Like how you changed the shirt so it looked bloody.
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Oh no! Not William now
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Do her friends not care that Nicole is a police officer and Ryan’s a criminal? Why are they saying they’re perfect for each other?
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Oh thank god Nicole has some sense to remember he’s a criminal at least!
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I’m making all my choices that matter lead Nicole to Noah… Interested to see what will happen there…
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There was a small layering issue with the guy who planted the bomb when he was running away.
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When Noah goes to the room Nicole’s being held in, I think it’s a bit weird he asks permission to come in. He’s the boss and she’s technically a hostage, so… Yeah…
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I am happy that Nicole brings up the fact that her parents died so she doesn’t want to get married the next day. A lot of people sometimes forget to show MC grieve over deaths, especially on episode, so I’m glad you included it.
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When the TV announcement says Noah is a famous police officer, exactly what is it that makes him a famous police officer?
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What?!!! They’re brothers?? Noah and Ryan are brothers? But how did this remain a secret? And isn’t Ryan also Dylan?
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Ok, on to season 2 now and I’d suggest that for the over the shoulder shots, you change zones when switching. At the moment I can see the zooms are the same, so it doesn’t look like the camera angle is changing, but rather Nicole and Noah look like they’re jumping back and forth.
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Hold on just a minute… Is the mum in hospital actually an overlay? If so, that is soooo smart
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Here’s something I never thought I would say: I LOVE how you killed the mum. When she closed her eyes, I was like ok she’s dead, but then you panned over to the monitor and I was amazed! Nice detail.
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Ooh ooh ooh the grave scene with the ghosts of the parents. Loved it!
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I was kind of shocked Noah shot his dad, but at the same time it totally made sense and had to happen.
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I’ve been wondering for a while now… What happened to Nicole’s job?
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Well, I must say I’m surprised that I’m 13 episodes in and our two stars have only actually kissed once! Even though I’m not a fan of gang stories, I can appreciate that you’re actually taking the time to develop their relationship. (Also Natalya and Dylan are my favourite couple out of them all, just thought you should know)
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Omg when they’re sleeping and you have the arm animation to move the same pace as her breathing! Like holy cow! You really pay attention to small details.
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Do my eyes deceive me? Did I just see some bimbo named Rose Amber who actually turns out to look exactly like me?!
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This is really trippy. It’s my username, but also different hahaha.
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Geez! Nicole’s being meaner to Ryan now more than when she was supposed to be arresting him.
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Oooh that hand on the hip!
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I liked your balcony background.
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Rose Amber going to see Noah actually didn’t surprise me, I had a feeling she’d be evil in more ways than one
Right, so… overall I’m sure you can tell I was amazed by your directing! There were a few things here and there, but nothing big enough to take away from the advanced directing you’ve done flawlessly. (Plus the small things I have mentioned so you can fix them easily enough)
There was something else that I noticed overall too- you didn’t have any POC… not sure if there was a reason for this (other than the overlays for your main characters), but it just felt like you were using the same three skin tones for everyone.
I mentioned before I didn’t think English was your first language, and I checked out your fanmail and saw you told one of your readers the same thing. So I first want to say thanks for not using your author’s not to apologize about it not being your first language, because it’s actually so impressive you can write a 14+ episode story in a language that isn’t your first.
So what I wanted to say on this was, even though there was quite a few English, grammar and punctuation errors, it didn’t make it hard for me to understand what you meant. Most of the time it was things like a mix up of past and present tense, or the sentence structure was muddled up. I personally don’t think it’s such a big deal, but if it’s something you want to make perfect, I would suggest looking through the “Find a Writing Partner” section of the forums for an editor. I don’t think it would take someone too long to reword some of the dialogue. Especially because the coding is already done, so they’d only be fixing grammar and punctuation and wouldn’t have to worry about getting script errors.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was just a few little “plot holes” (I don’t think that’s the right word for what I mean, but too lazy to find a better word)… The fact that Nicole never re-arrested Ryan… For this point I’m referring to the middle of season one mostly. The excuse of not wanting to hurt her friends just wasn’t good enough in my eyes. Honestly, just add more on to it… What else could be stopping her from doing her actual job? And speaking of job, seriously, what happened to that?? Did she take time off work after her parents died? Did she quit to join the gang? (The way Ryan speaks, it sounds like he thinks she’s in the gang). Why hasn’t Mr Officer called and asked what happened to Nicole?? These are the questions that haunt me!