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So I personally hate author notes, even more so when you start your story off with one. I don’t think it’s really needed to introduce your story and explain that you will be showing your readers the characters in the first episode, etc. It’s probably better to start your story with that first scene and give your readers that element of mystery.
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When the guy comes in with a gun, place him before you pan to zone 2 (or it might have been zone 3, I wasn’t too sure how many zones in that background). For example
@GUNGUY stands screen right in zone 3 AND GUNGUY faces left
@pan to zone 3
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I feel like the dust_off animation went on for just a second too long in the outfit changes, it’s not really a big deal, just made me feel like I was waiting a while.
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I like that your MC is a mum! Mum’s are hardly ever the centre of the story, so that’s cool to see.
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I’m a little confused with the whole shopping saga. It was a lot of different scenes, with only one or two lines then you’d change to the next scene, so it felt really fast-paced. I’m not sure how significant it was, was that just to show Cindy’s day-to-day life? Like to set the scene.
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Your zooms were a little all over the place in the bar scene to start off with. I’d recommend getting rid of the close ups, and just panning across the zones to show everyone in their places.
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I was laughing so much at Josie loving bad boys ahahaha. And the mention of her father has me intrigued.
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I can see a few background characters who look exactly like the default ones. It always looks better to change a few features or their outfits around to make them look unique.
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Interesting spot to end episode 1. I’m actually what happened to Cindy?
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In your outfit picking choice in episode 2, outfit 9 doesn’t have any outfits in it, it just leaves Josie in whatever she’s currently wearing.
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I’m wondering if the mix up in your zooms is there so you can place your characters in the scenes? If this is the case, I’d suggest using & to do all your placements. Eg:
&DANNY stands screen left AND DANNY faces right
&JOSIE stands screen center AND JOSIE faces left
&zoom reset
It will make your scenes go a lot smoother.
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Damn, Danny falls in love very quickly! So does Josie! I can tell their relationship will be dramatic. How old is Josie out of curiosity?
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Yay, Cindy’s back. I no longer have to worry about her.
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Minor typo: in the kitchen and Heath is trying to woo her, she says she has to much to do. It should be too. Same case when she says “to much information” to Danny at dinner. It should be “too”.
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I like how you revealed who Josie’s father is. You kept it a mystery, but also not for too long either. Although now I’m thinking that Cindy wasn’t the MC this whole time… So now I have to ask why so much of the first episode was following her around the shops?
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Ignore earlier question, found out Josie’s age. Lol, 18.
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I’m actually impressed they have been dating for months without getting caught until now. I also like that even though we didn’t see their whole relationship, that we know it’s now been several months too. So it’s safe to assume they’re probably really in love.
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Another little typo when Mum is hugging Josie. “So much it hurt.s” I think the full stop slipped in there.
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Ah, I actually suspected her father was going to have some strange connection to the Black Cobras. I guess it turned out to be the mum.
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It’s a little too unrealistic for my liking that Karen would be allowed to go with her to Greece.
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“of-fence” should be “offense”.
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Wait, back up… She’s pregnant?? Woah… Any particular reason why you didn’t have a scene of her finding out?
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One of your backgrounds has a MASSIVE watermark in it. You will need to change that ASAP (it was probably approved by accident, but it’s actually against guidelines - considered stealing someone else’s art)
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The boss says, “Now boys1…” I think the “1” was another typo maybe?
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I really liked the scene where the dad got shot (weird for me to say that), but idk, just reminded me of like proper assassination plans. Strangely enough, it feels realistic.
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As I’m waiting for episode 4 to load, I’ve just realised you don’t have any choices (aside from the dressing game). I know there are some people who don’t actually like choices in their stories, but do keep in mind that episode markets themselves as an app where you choose your own story, so it’s probably a good idea to try and incorporate them more. Even if the choices you add don’t affect the story line, it does make your readers feel more involved.
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I also don’t think thriller is the best genre for this either, it feels more like a drama to me and you’d probably get more reads being in that genre too.
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Is it just me or was that plane ride a little awkward! Hahahaha, awkward silence.
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Uh, what’s going on now? Why are we at school? Who are all these people?
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Ah ok, another Black Cobras connection…
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WAIT! This all just clicked. Omg I feel like such an idiot. This is the parents! This is the earlier generation. Duh!
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Wow, that just adds a whole new level of drama.
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I liked how you used the overlay to make it look like they were in the pool.
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I’m also really liking the fact that Danny wants to turn in his boss. Yay for characters who obey the law… (eventually)
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When they’re at the police station, move Heath back a few layers so it will look like they’re walking in front of him and not through him.
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I’ve noticed there’s something you do with your sentence structure, where half way through a sentence, you put it on a new line so it comes after the next tap. It kind of makes the dialogue feel a little unnatural because there’s pauses in between sentences. I’m not sure why you break it up like that, but if you’re worried about having too many words in one speech bubble, I can reassure you that that wouldn’t be the case with your story.
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I’m just thinking what a dramatic day this is for Amy! Her husband wakes up on the same day she becomes a grnadma! LOL
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I love the bush overlay you’ve used for Danny to hide in.
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So Cindy gets dressed in the kitchen in front of her daughter… lol
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I should have said this earlier - I’ve been thinking it for at least four episodes now - but your Boss actually looks hella evil. It’s cool that you’ve pulled that off in such a way.
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The explosion looked so cool, but sorry I have to be pedantic about using the wrong to/too again. You had “to early”, but it should be “too”.
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I’m up to episode 10, and after seeing another author’s note from you I also wanted to say that I have noticed gradual improvement with your directing especially. Your zooms and pans feel a lot more advanced, especially in episode 8 and 9. And actually, if you feel confident enough now, you could always revisit your early chapters to add in more advanced directing there too.
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Witness Protection Program! Genius. And realistic too. I actually thought this story was coming to an end, but now with them moving it feels like it’s only the beginning, so well done.
So that’s brings me to the end of episode 10. As I mentioned before, if you feel more confident with your directing now, your earlier episodes will probably benefit from you going back and editing things to add in what you know now (I’ve done this with my own stories and it feels so much better when you have all your early episodes the same quality as your most recent ones). I’d also suggest just doing a quick proof read over your episodes to weed out those pesky typos. There might have been a few more that I missed mentioning.