@S_Unique - The Four Horsemen
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It’s off to a great start with the prologue and I like that it sounds like it’s going to maybe explore angels? That’s a subject I’ve always loved reading about.
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I love how you’ve described the town. It reminds me of this short-lived TV show I really liked: GCB.
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So I chose to run after Delilah, and your readerMessage tells me I got 5 points, but like… why? I understand this is a choices matter story and you explained that points would be used with your author’s note at the beginning, but I am wondering what specifically did I get those points for?
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Denise summoning Lucifer made me laugh - I think because of episode’s singing animations, they just look so funny.
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Oh, she died… Now I feel bad for laughing… I do think the news of Denise was kind of skipped over a bit and would have liked to seen a bit more focus on that.
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UGH! YES! When John makes that comment about people only caring/going to the funeral so that they’re “good” people. That is some straight up truth!
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Be wary of info-dumps. There was a series of John’s thought bubbles with nothing actually happening on the screen. It might look better to have some kind of slow zoom/pan or to have John or Kit doing some animation while his thoughts were being read.
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Something minor but after the… I’m going to call it a dream (?), your filter reverts back to colour before the transition. You might want to change it to @reset hsl in 0 with your next background to skip it fading back into colour at the wrong part.
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Another five points! Do I get points for pursuing the “ghost”?
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I like the wing overlays you’ve used. It’s nice improv considering it looks like it matches the female wings.
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I’m kinda in love with your narration in episode 2 (you should be proud, because I’m often not a fan of this)… Just some of your lines are really powerful!
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I would have liked if William had more of a story to why he lost it and caused wars - only because I guess I liked reading about the other two horsemen so much that I was looking forward to more.
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I like the secretiveness of why Delilah is the fourth horsemen. It’s intriguing, you gave away just the right amount of info.
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As everyone starts to leave the room, I notice it doesn’t look like William is standing on the ground, so be sure to spot him a bit lower.
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I’m laughing at the insults about weight, considering the body types are the exact same hahahaha!
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Idk if this would be something you’re up for, but going to suggest is anyway… You know that trick where people upload the backgrounds as overlays to make it look like they’re fading out? It would look cool if you did that for Hana and William so when John sees them, it actually looks like he’s seeing them while they’re invisible.
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Wait, Delilah’s son? Oooohh!
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The drive to Earl’s seemed really quick. Like blink and you might miss it kind of quick!
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I’d be so annoyed if I were John with Earl’s response. Idc how quick the drive was, I’d want answers! Lol.
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Small typo: “Either his dying” should be “Either he’s dying”.
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Another small typo: Delilah in the library says “I though so” – thought - you’re just missing the ‘t’.
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Delilah saying “God is back” reminds me of this TV show Preacher. If you don’t watch the show, this comment will make no sense hahaha.
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There’s something I’m really loving but also hating but in a good kind of way about your story - I really can’t tell if the horsemen are the “goodies” or the “badies”.
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I’m so sorry to keep doing this, but another typo. Beginning of episode 3: “Just because humans protray us has the four horsemen” - I believe you meant ''as" instead.
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It’s nice to hear more about the curse now, you give away just the right amount of details to keep drawing me in.
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“I thought no one new about that” - new should be ‘knew’.
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OOOH YES! We get to find out why William fell! (Disregard earlier comment)
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There’s so many layers to this story already. Like, I’m probably just reading into far more than I should but I think for the type of story you have, the mentions of faith and religion are done in such a way that even if people weren’t following Christianity, they’d still find this interesting and would probably even find some lines relatable.
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Nadia is right… and I can’t believe you’d make Grace be a backstabber! (It’s more shocking since she’s real)
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The comments about how Delilah smells creeps me out hahaha stalker vibes…
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His memories dreams are so interesting - they make me start speculating.
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How did he wake up in his bed?
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I stayed at home to read because I don’t like Kit - not sure what it is, but I don’t trust him. I think maybe he’s just a dope.
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It looked so cool how she “took” her first soul. Nice overlay.
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I feel like I must have imagined her referring to him as her son… Because now they seem like they might have had a relationship or something.
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All I can think is how annoying it must be to code in those wing overlays all the time! Ha! I hate coding overlays
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“You should never mess with something bigger then you” - “then” should be “than”.
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Just curious, where did you get the idea for this?
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Careful when you use a fade in transition, because unless you give a character command in the next scene, they’ll still be doing that same command (so John was kissing the air for a while haha)
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Woah, 1000 years ago?!
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“I won’t, I promise” … next minute “I lied”
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You know what? I actually find that kind of bratty that he’s asking her to take him into the sky… Entitled much?
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OMG… Watching Lucas has my like
Now it’s all coming together. -
I dare say you’ve probably had this question before, and you probably answer it in your story later on, but I still have to ask, why she wouldn’t let him die? They could still be together in heaven, no?
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WTFFFFFFFFFFFF That curse is just… cruel! You’re evil!
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It’s kind of weird to watch them kiss since he’s been reincarnated so he’s only 16/17, but she’s like 1000 years old (or more)… Where I’m from, we call women like her cradle snatchers
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Hahaha at the car returned. I knew Kit was a dope, thinking it was sushi…
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When John enters the forest, he cuts straight in front of a tree.
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You’re such a genius and I;m such an idiot… I didn’t even realise this all linked back to Denise with her happy Episode singing animation that made me laugh way back when. You’ve really thought this plot through
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Typo: Did you putt a protection spell on your nephew yet? Putt should be put.
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I like Ivy hahaha! And I probably shouldn’t, she seems evil.
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Aw William’s confession could have been so much more romantic… Typical guy, confesses right before there’s about to be a battle.
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I feel like they’re scaled too big in the library, Kit, Hana and William that is. This is during the part where it’s now November. They looks taller than the bookshelf.
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My only problem with the party scene is how small the tables look in the background. But your BG characters and spotting is great.
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Omg, I just know John going to get the candles is a bad idea!
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And I was right!
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It didn’t work?
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Ok, I was about to say I would actually be ok if that was the ending. Like a sad ending… but then I see “Choose” and I’m like whatomgit’sgonnagetmoreintense!
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Wait, no no nope. I don’t like this at all. I want to go back and have him die. Delilah is acting ridiculous in episode 10.
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Um, I take back my last point, now that I see what you did there…
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He’s John’s father? Wtf HOW?? Need answers omg.
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The stabbing (?) of Hana wasn’t the smoothest of transitions. Maybe try adding times to your overlay shift commands (@overlay knife shifts to XYZ in 3) so that it looks like it’s actually falling?
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Nice explanation about the Michael/John thing. I’m satisfied.
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In the library, when Rebecca and Della are tinker_loop_rear I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like they’re doing.
Wow, I’ve reached the end! Really interesting plot. I’m quite fascinated with this and tbh, I never would have guessed it would be something so intricate with the plot. Just be careful when proof-reading Maybe another set of eyes would be helpful to spot those typos before you publish.