@JannahJackson - Tribe of Malapinchi
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If you’ve read any of the other reviews, you’d know what I’m about to say… author notes! I personally don’t like them. I feel like it ruins the element of the story and I feel like most times, it’s not things people need to know anyway.
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I’d recommend switching up your zooms in that first scene in the motel, since it’s rather long and a lot of talking and thinking for each characters, some close up shots might enhance the tone they’re setting.
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Hahaha, nice camera shake when Rudolph falls.
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I was a bit confused when he got back to his room, it felt a little random, first with him being cold, then needing the toilet, then having a feeling he doesn’t want to turn around, then getting locked in - that to me felt a bit too fast paced, and then when he was talking to Jindara, I guess I was just confused because we never actually got to see her.
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Nice use of filters!
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So I know this is an all three styles story, but I’m wondering if the ink characters are also in a flashback? I guess I usually think that’s the case with filters.
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Ohhh they were dreams… Side note: Why is Isla sleeping on the floor when there’s two beds, a couch and even a toilet she could be on instead? Lol
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Oh no, how am I supposed to remember such long words that don’t form a coherent sentence?
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So is Intan breaking the fourth wall and talking to the readers? Are we the protagonist or something?
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Yeah, so I got the word chant wrong two times… I knew I would
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So after Isla gets beamed up, what were the zooms for? I thought maybe we would see foot steps but it was nothing (unless this was a glitch on my part?)
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So the FAQ-type of thing you had at the end was really handy for me. I was struggling to remember names, but it was cool you did that.
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Be wary of information dumps. I’m not sure if this is just because I’m reading it late at night, but it feels like a lot of explaining, which is necessary for your type of story, but I would encourage you to utilize a show-don’t-tell approach for this - it could be something as simple as switching up your zooms as I mentioned before, or maybe having some flashback scenes to help illustrate what’s being explained?
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I wonder if Isla thinks this is all a dream too? She’s pretty calm throughout the whole teleportation ordeal.
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Omg the flying scene is so cool.
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It’s kind of ironic that the Classic style characters are the monsters because so many people comment on how creepy they look (me included). I’ve never read a classic story, so it’s cool to be able to see.
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I know you had the splashes for sound, but I feel there were some parts that relied to heavily on the sound. I’m particularly talking about episode 4. Most people tend to ignore the splashes, and won’t turn up their volume and so they’d probably get really confused at that part.
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I like that I’m seeing it all come together… The flashbacks are starting to join up.
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I really liked that zoom thing you did where you just completely zoomed all the way out and returned back to the present. It was after finding Rudolph and Jindara - I have no better way to describe that, so yeah, I hope you know what part I’m talking about.
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I feel like your directing just went up a level in this episode, your spot placements are on point, you’ve got camera shakes and rain!
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Jindara’s backstory had me completely confused - does Jintara somehow relate back to Malapinchi? If not, I’m wondering exactly it’s significance. It’s quite heavy and tbh, you could have probably made a spin off story just about Jintara’s disappearence if you ever wanted to.
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The outfit changes looked hectic though! Especially because you layered the dresses.
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Nevermind, the relevance has been explained, as has the red pendent necklace too!
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There was so much info in that backstory. I loved how you linked it to the wars. Like, you’ve added a great deal of history to essentially a “fantasy” story. I have to say I was not expecting that twist, but just the problem was that it was SO much information all at the one time, and I read it straight before bed, so when I woke up I struggled to remember some details. Whoops!
Overall I think you have a pretty interesting concept, you’ve literally utilized every tool episode has! (By using every style). You’ve done a great job at including diversity and history.
Just overall a couple of suggestions I have:
- I mentioned info-dumps: since your story is reliant on explaining a lot of things to the reader, you need to take care with this one. Too much explaining at once and your reader won’t retain any info. It was hard to follow along at times, because I had forgotten something or gotten a few words mixed up. There’s lost of different ways you could try and combat this, so I won’t list them, but I would recommend reading a few fantasy stories where basically whole-alternative-universes are created, so you can see how other authors have explained it and maybe see if their method’s could suit your story better?
- Choices… I can’t recall if there was many more than the word choice one that I got wrong. Lol. I mean, it’s not really a problem if you don’t include many, but Episode is an interactive story telling platform, so it’s usually good to include a few more and well help your readers engage with your story.
- The sound thing I also mentioned. If you’re going to heavy sound-only scenes, maybe a splash to tell readers that’s what’s going to happen directly before the scene starts would be a good idea.
- Final point: I know this was for the thriller contest, but after reading all the episodes you have available, I’d say it felt more like an adventure story. If you don’t have bigger plans for it, consider switching genres. It could open you up to a whole new audience too.