@KateB_episode - The fragments of the past
First of all, woah! 11 days ago you had three episodes, now you have double that. You must be a quick updater.
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Um, author note… It’s no secret I hate them. It ruins the illusion of the story in my eyes, but each to their own…
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Hmm, intriguing little future scenario you’ve started off with. It was quite brief though, so if it’s not addressed within the next couple of episodes, it could be forgotten too.
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I’ll be honest, I don’t really tend to like “gang” stories, but what I do like that you’ve included is family. The way the siblings fight and bicker feels real, and Jacob trying to stop them makes me laugh. (And I guess if we’re talking realism, it is likely if Jacob’s in a gang that his kids would be too, so that’s good)
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After you pan back to Daniel and Michael, Jacob enters from the right side of the screen but he should be walking from the left side since that was where he was speaking to his kids.
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Oh dear. Episode 1 was terribly short I’m afraid. The problem with that is I haven’t learned enough about the characters yet, so I wouldn’t feel a strong enough connection to care that Lily will never see her boyfriend again (lol, I’m heartless). So it’s worth adding more so that your readers get attached and want to read more.
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I’m going to guess Thomas comes back into the current story? If so, the flashback was a great way to introduce the antagonist.
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Omg… Why do I get the feeling Ryan’s going to die?
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Episode 2 length was better, but I’d still recommend making it a wee bit longer.
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Wait, I take back my last point about Ryan… Now I get the feeling he’s going to cheat on her…
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When at college, I suggest making the BG characters look less defautish - it only takes a hair change and an outfit change to make them look like a whole new person, and as well as that, college is a time when lots of people experiment with their styles, so you could have some fun making the BG characters look unique.
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Hmm, I think I’m going to side with Ryan on this one. It was only a hug and plus college can be stressful and busy, so ofc he’s not going to have heaps of time to visit.
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When Jacob goes after Lily, moves him forward a layer so that he walks in front of his wife.
@JACOB moves to layer 2 -
Nice transition to the club. I really liked how they stayed in the same positions, so it looked like only the background changed.
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Oooh, maybe Ryan does die…?
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I’m just noticing now you don’t have any choices? I mean, it’s not something you have to include, but it is the whole point of Episode, so I would encourage you to consider adding some choices in. It doesn’t have to be ones that change the endings or change your story plot, it could just be simple things like how Lily replies to a question and would only change one line of dialogue.
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I love how Ryan looks like he’s in the shadows in her dream.
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I feel like when Lily runs into Liam, they’re both too big for the background they’re standing in. (It’s the college campus BG). Try scaling them smaller and then zooming in. You can use the footpath in the background for reference.
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I’ve been curious for a while now… what exactly are all the missions they do? Like, what type of work?
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Ooh Liam and Lily kiss - I really liked how you didn’t make Lily freak out for half an hour about how she would prove they were together. I see that too often in stories and it often goes against character. But the way you did it was good, because Lily hasn’t come across as a shy girl so far, so it wouldn’t have made sense if she hesitated to kiss him. Props to you for characterization.
Overall, I will admit it’s not a story line I find myself interested in, but luckily for you, gang stories are really popular on the app, so I’m sure there’ll be lots of people who will love this. I didn’t see any directing errors (aside from when I thought the characters were scaled too big), so good job with that. I felt that you could use some improvement in terms of create more diverse characters. I think that was an area which you were lacking a little bit. To help resolve this, I’d suggest creating backstories to each character, so your readers can learn where they’re from and learn more about their personalities (you may have this planned already) OR switch up the looks of all your BG/extras characters. My biggest piece of advice would be to make your episodes a little bit longer. There were a couple of episodes that I felt were just too short, and some bonus scenes or even some extra choices could really fix that up. If you don’t want to add anything to the old episodes, then can I suggest you promote your story here. This thread is useful for people who are looking for stories that have short episodes, so if you promote yours there, you’re likely to find a solid fan-base.