Thank you so much for doing reviews! I’m honestly trying to make my story better, so I would love honest feedback!
Title- Year 2200
Author - Cheryl Anne
Episodes- 5 as of right now. Waiting for my background / overlays to be accepted so I can post the next chapter.
Description - When you keep waking up from the same nightmare every night, and your family has a dark secret, you realize you may not just be 100% human anymore.
Well, Episode should obviously feature your stories and start sending you money. If they have any questions, I will explain them that they don’t have to wait until you actually unlock the Payments Program, it will happen eventually, we just don’t know when
I just got a system notification that I already replied to you 5 times in this thread and I should start talking to others Is this something new?
Not new, I’ve gotten that a lot
Title: The New Girl
Story Description: You’ve just moved to a new city. What will your sophomore year of high school bring you?
Episodes: 3 (ongoing)
@doctorwho910 Dark Secrets
Hey Mary, welcome to Episode
The first thing I notice is that you’re missing a cover. Personally, I don’t mind if a story doesn’t have a cover, I’ll still give it a try. But I know there’s a lot of people who dismiss stories entirely without one so that’s why I’d suggest adding one.
When young Cassie hugs her dad, they’re both at the wrong layer. Move Cassie forward:
@YOUNGCASSIE moves to layer 1 AND DAD moves to layer 0
So she says there’s a fire and flames are surrounding the house, but then there isn’t any flames. I’d suggest either getting familiar with overlays so you can spot place some flames into the scene or find someone who’s able to edit that background to make it look like it’s on fire and then you can upload that one to you use instead.
Since your story is a little heavy on the narration, make sure to keep your characters looking busy. While they’re in the kitchen, you could maybe have one of them doing a talking animation and the other two listening or giggling or something while the narration is going.
When Cassie walks to the sink, it takes her 0.2 seconds. Try adding in time (@CASSIE walks to spot XYZ in 2) so that she moves more naturally.
Also make sure to move her back a layer.
Hollie is so me lol
You ended with an author’s note, which I can’t say I’m happy about because I hate all author notes, but can appreciate that you put it at the end instead of the beginning.
Beginning of episode 2 now and Hollie is still totally ME!
Add in the time it takes them to walk to Georgia - it will help make it a little more natural looking
A little trick I like to use in scenes with 3+ characters is to zoom on each character when they’re talking so that you can’t see the others This is because when looking at the whole scene, sometimes characters that aren’t talking look awkwardly frozen, which was happening in the scene before class starts, especially David.
I’d also suggest having Maddison enter in zone 2 and walk to where they’re standing. Example:
@cut to zone 2
@ MADDISON enters from left to upscreen left THEN MADDISON is wave_extreme
@follow MADDISON to screen left in zone 3
Doing this will make her entrance feel more natural.
The random “where’s the office” scene makes me feel like Blake and the chick that didn’t speak are important to the story. Just make sure that chick exits the scene at the same time as him otherwise she’s just standing idle for a couple of seconds.
Ruler Roderick, wtf!!! Alright, now you’ve got my attention.
Lol at Adairia and her flirting
Ryder has me confused AF (is there a reason why you had it like: RYDER: inside the speech bubble instead of actually having a Ryder speech bubble?)
Blair now…? Hmm… I’m starting to think up some theories.
After the appearance of Blair, Blake is doing a talk_think animation but his bubbles are thought bubbles, so you might want to change it to just the think animation so his lips don’t move.
Second self? This really interests me, and I’m excited to see how you explore it, but I’m not sure if the speech bubbles are the best way to convey this idea or them talking to themselves. (I’ll expand on this point at the end)
There was a bit of a glitch/delay when bumping into Blake. I’m not sure what you’re coding is like, but basically Cassie started falling and then she was idle for a second and then she was on the ground.
There was something really great about how you ended episode 4. Like, it was simple, but I feel like it’s perfectly set the tone for the story.
I find episode 5 a strange place to offer CC tbh. Was there a reason you didn’t include it in episode 1?
I loved that you showed Blair by changing the eye colour. And I noticed the speechbubble changed to show Blair’s name too.
I was not expecting him to be a vampire or a wolf! (Is that weird? People always say that it’s cliche in episode stories, but I’ve actually not come across many lol)
Wait, what? Why is Cassie getting bashed?
So I admit, I did find this a bit confusing to follow at times. In saying that though, I really like the idea you have… I like the shadow/second self concept, but like I mentioned earlier, I’m not sold on showing it by writing their name in the speechbubbles… You mentioned you were new to Episode so that’s why (I hope you don’t mind), I’ve come up with a few suggestions that might help you add something extra that will not only be an alternative for the second self idea, but could also take your story up an extra level.
- The first suggestion, which you sort of already did at one part - change the speechbubble for when Ryder and Blair are talking to actually be a Ryder or Blair speech bubble. You would need to place the characters off screen and spot direct the speech bubble for this (which might sound like a lot of work, but once you get the hang of it, it will be easy peasy)
- Text effects maybe? Change the colour of Ryder/Blair’s font so the reader learns to associate that colour with the second self personas.
- Faded characters… For this one, you’d need to upload a background as an overlay and change the opacity slightly, change a couple of layers, etc. but I do think it would be a good way to show, especially for Cassie, that her second self has always been there and she just couldn’t see it.
These are only suggestions, so of course you don’t have to do them, but in case you want to, here’s some guides that might help you learn how to incorporate them: 💭 HOW TO: Spot direct Speech Bubble || Reader Messages / Text Effects Guide Updates || How to "FADE" Characters
Just a last final note, I noticed a couple of times you missed capital letters where there should have been ones, or you added capital letters in the middle of sentences, so make sure to have a quick proof read (or ask someone else on forums if they’ll check for any pesky grammar mistakes - that’s what I do).
Thank you so much for all of your feedback it’s super helpful! I’m already planning to change where the stories end, so I TOTALLY understand what you mean and it’s good for me to hear that from someone else. I think I’ll end the first episode after she meets Gabriel (I’ll learn how to do proper zooms) and have her love interest be introduced. Then I think I’ll have the second episode end where she wakes up in his room. & Then I’m going to include more in the third episode. TBH, I had the episodes ending in different places but then I found out they each had to be a certain amount of lines so I changed where they ended and “TRIED” to make them interesting endings but you’re totally right they’re not as exciting as they need to be at all. I was in a rush to get them published which was kind of silly haha.
I think I’ll take out the profile avatar option and just allow customizing. I could allow the reader to have a custom name, but then I’d have to figure out how to code it properly and what if they give the main character a name that is already used in the story. I’ve totally done that before.
She ended up in Gabriel’s room because she got sick all over her clothes & I’m glad you found Gabriel babely, he’s totally me Episode type haha.
I’m going to take all of your feedback, thank you so so much you’re lovely.
I hope you will continue reading the story sometime when I add more !
Also I came up with the title “Still Silent” because the storyline is going to cover mental illness and a bit of addiction. The main character struggles with social anxiety, and although she will find comfort in drinking and stuff… ultimately without that crutch to “help her” through certain situations she is “still silent” and needs to work on herself and not try to cover it up with alcohol, etc. I hope that makes sense & thank you again for all of your positive feedback. I’m trying to learn as I go and everyone in the Episode community seems super helpful which is just lovely!
Alright, I took a lot of your advice and updated the first 3 chapters. I feel like they end in much better places. If you decide to replay them (particularly the 3rd chapter as I added quite a bit of new content to it) I hope you enjoy. I will probably slowly go through the chapters and edit more of the technicalities as well… I tried to edit some! Thanks again for your advice lovely!
Nice ideas! I think that will work much better. It’s strange you say that they were only ending there because you needed the line limit, because I didn’t find them that short in length at all lol. But I have been there in terms of rushing to publish. I wish for my own first story I had taken the time to learn how to do some more advanced directing (I had no zooms AT ALL haha).
I have also named an MC as a name that was already used too LOL. It gets confusing.
Thanks for explaining the Story Title to me It sounds like you’ve got a lot planned!
You’re very welcome hun, and that second sentence is totally a fact!
Well I will be contuing with it I will have to replay episode 3 anyway because I’ll be forced to since you edited, lol. So just wondering have you added much to episode 1 & 2 meaning that I should reread the whole thing or is it just episode 3 that’s had a lot of extra stuff added?
I didn’t really add much else to episodes 1 & 2, nothing that you hadn’t already read (it was moreso some of the technicalities that you mentioned).
I ended episode 1 after she meets Gabriel (I zoomed into her face as she blushes at his attractiveness haha)
I ended episode 2 with him saying “Good morning, sunshine!” to her waking up in his bed.
Episode 3 is where there is a fair bit of new content and I think the ending is a bit more “exciting” as well.
I’m excited to hear that you’ll be reading more of my story
Ok, sounds good. I think I’ll just reread episode 3 then because, you know how it is with passes, lol. Look forward to seeing what you come up with
Good call starting on episode three when you decide to continue the story. Tysm! Which of your stories should I check out first?
Aw you’re so sweet. You don’t have to feel obligated to read my own stories though lol. But personally I think One of the Girls is my best one hehe
I’m super new to the forums as well as writing/creating for Episode, but I’d love to get a review. I’m not ready to publish my story yet (mainly because I only have 3 fully edited chapters). Would it be possible to share it with you without publishing?
Thanks in advance
Yeah, absolutely. You can either share your link here or pm it to me if you don’t want others to be able to click on it Also, welcome to the forums, enjoy your stay
I don’t feel obligated at all Will check it out. Thanks!
Thank you so much!! I will definitely take your feedback on board The reason I didn’t have the customisation in episode 1 was because I didn’t know how to do it Thank you for taking the time to do this feedback, it must have took a long time. I really appreciate it! I will have to use the colours to distinguish between the shadow self and the character, I didn’t know you could do that
You’re welcome lovely I’m glad I could be a bit of help and good luck with the rest of your story xx
There’s only 4 live episodes but 5 will be posted some time tomorrow!
This Story follows Brooklyn, a girl who hates Halloween but soon finds herself in a world with Real Monsters!