@mulasia - Too Much Drama, Trust No One!
- Ok, straight into it I can see this was made with mobile creator, am I right? You want to be wary of using mobile creator when you move one person even just a fraction, because unless you want them walking somewhere else the characters get kind of jumpy. I just find they jump in and out of spots and it doesn’t look natural. Check your opening scene with the party and see what I mean.
- Whilst I love starting off with a choice, it was too early in the story for me to even know who my teacher was so how could I answer if I like him or not? I would recommend adding somewhat of a prologue, just to set the scene, introduce a few key characters into the MC’s life before we go asking such big questions.
- I should let you know if you’re going to have mature scenes, you might want to add a warning splash that it contains mature content.
- I notice your not capatalizing all your I’s. That might be something you want to go back and fix up.
- When we were given a choice of outfit, we didn’t get to see both options. It would have been nice to see both before we make a final choice.
- I also notice that not ever line of dialogue has an animation. Animations really improve the overall look of a story and also lets the reader know who’s talking.
- Episode 1 was very short. I want to suggest going back and adding more dialogue. I’m sure with scene changes and directing, you had the minimum 400 lines needed to publish, but I have a feeling that you were short on dialogue. You need to be careful with that because episode gives an option to report stories that have less than 400 lines of dialogue.
- Episode 2 was a better length and woah!! I can see why you named it what you did now. That’s a massive bombshell.
- I’m not a fan of the massive flash forward. I think it would be nice to see some of what happens in that six months.
- You really need to be careful with your mature scenes. Because you had a particularly graphic scene, you really need a warning splash at the beginning of your episode. But also, you’re not allowed to animate explicit scenes on screen. You can have them kiss, then fade to black, then wake up in the morning and they’re in bed together and maybe they say “last night was amazing” or something. But you can’t have descriptive animations and narrations in your story. Check the guidelines again, so you can be sure. If you really want to include something and you’re not sure if it’s too mature, you can ask support for them to read over it.
- Your party scene was good, because you had nice background characters.
- I get the feeling the phone call saying a dog scared her was a decoy for their affair, am I right?
- The choice for making me slap or punch Everett Malik’s ex girlfriend made me feel a little uncomfortable.
- Side note… I got a little excited when you did a shout-out to Herman, because he did the beta-reading for my story.
Ok so I’m at the end, and I have one major suggestion but it’s up to you whether you take it or not… See around the forums if there would be someone interested in helping you edit? Someone to fix up the punctuation (capital I’s and making sure there’s a full stop at the end of each sentence), maybe someone who can also help you with filler scenes so that your episodes don’t feel too short, and who can add the right animations so the characters conversations flow. Like I said, Herman helped me out with my last story, so I know how helpful it can be to have a second set of eyes. Because I feel like you’re not at a loss for ideas, it’s just that you need someone else to go over your work and fill in the gaps basically.