Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

#46

Thank you so much for the review! It took me like 30 minutes to rake up the courage to read this review. I was so nervous! :laughing:

Omfg, the KH3! Thank you immensely for telling me! I just changed it, but a number of people have already read it and I feel like all my secrets in life have been exposed to the world! :joy:

I agree with the dark and light choices. I was saving the gold choice for something later, but I feel that’s not a option if people are confusing regular choices with point choices. So I’m going to change them to gold just as you suggested. I wish we could color choices a wider array of colors :tired_face:

Would you mind providing the episode of Futurama my story reminded you of? I’ve never watched a single episode in my life.

I was actually inspired by The Jungle!! I love her story! I saw how well her’s did and I thought “What if similar but with hella tall women?!?!?!”

For the names I used a fantasy name generator. I chose random names that I was actually able to pronounce because, to be honest, that generator was spitting out some straight nonsense! So I didn’t have the luxury of having their names mean anything specific.

I actually don’t have a name for the entire world (I really should name it huh?), but yes! I am touching on gender roles and role reversal! I’m so so glad you caught on to that! That’s was my entire idea with the extraordinarily tall women and Khalil’s passions and attitude. Too many stories have the men in the relationship as the strong, tall, and forward type while the females are usually, well, not. Even though some may try to change it up by making the female “feisty” or a “go getter” it always tends to fall back into those ingrained societal roles when they put them next to ‘society’s ideal male’. But the Amazons are living in the world alongside other villages with men and women.

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#47

Am I really that scary it took you half an hour to work up this courage?? Lol :laughing:
KH3 was your only mistake so don’t feel so bad about it! Only one minor secret exposed hehehe.
The episode is called Amazon women in the Mood. But the only real similarity you sort of have now that I’ve finished with yours is the height thing and how Khalil is discovered.
I feel like this was just a really clever story and now I feel really clever for catching on.

1 Like
#48

@episode.grace - Revival

Ok, I like the sound of your description being futuristic. Although, the fact that it’s set in the future means I’m really going to have no idea what I’m in for. So let’s see…

  • Wow, starting off with some action. I like that opening, the zooms, the use of sounds, it’s all perfect.

  • I’d suggest making the narration bubble show Lillian’s name NARRATOR (LILLIAN), so then when you do things that aren’t her thoughts (like two weeks later), readers can tell the difference.

  • Careful with having an information dump when they’re stuffing the janitor in the closet. The explanation, whilst necessary, can get tedious to read when nothing’s happening in the background.

  • I like that you had a mini game with guessing the code.

  • Your fight scene was great. It felt fast? Did you speed up the punches?

  • The police sirens in the distance were timed perfectly.

  • I think when Lillian runs to her car, you want her to be at layer 4 so she runs in front of everyone.

  • I am finding your episodes are a little on the short side, but they are also action packed… so maybe that’s actually a good tactic because people can binge read.

  • I like that you remembered my choice and are making reference to the fact that I jumped down the hole.

  • I’m half impressed with your spot directing just before training where they’re pairing up. But the other half of me has anxiety because that must have taken ages to perfect, and just imagining all the work makes me stressed.

  • I like that you didn’t pair her with Keel straight away. That would have been too predictable. Instead we got some #drama and then ended up with him.

  • I should point out that you have a line where you describe Keel and you say he’s skin’s pale… But you let us customise that so my Keel has mocha skin.

  • In the simulator, when Lili goes up to the window and when this pink hair chick walks out from, it sort of looks awkward like the walk through the wall. I think maybe having the walk to the spot just before the window, and then using the jump animation or even the stand up animation to move to spot at the window sill would look better, make it as if they actually jumped up and down to and from the window, you know?

  • Ok I have to say this before I lose the though. So… This is set in the future, but up until Scarlett and Winnie coming in, the only time you’ve mentioned anything futuristic is the drug that seemingly fixes everything. I get this story centers around this orgnaisation, and since it’s kind of like a secret orgnaisation, there’s not many opportunities to reference the futuristic world that’s going on outside the circle… But I do feel like you need to add something more to give it that futuristic vibe. Perhaps it’s a case of getting some custom backgrounds? I’m not sure exactly how far into the future you want it to be (it’s your vision after all), but simple things like the hallway while they’re waiting for their simulation looks so 2018. Imagine switching up the colour scheme and chairs and giving it a makeover! It would look epic.

  • Also, I notice your episodes are getting longer, good work.

  • Omg, I just realised we still don’t know who broke in! I’m only realising that because of the end of episode 5. I think that foreshadowing was overdue. And I’m going to take a stab and say that’s her mum? Which brings me to another point, as we don’t know Lili’s parents, will it be explained how she got to the circle?

  • Keel is named Jonathon? Is this part of what he’s lying about?

  • I feel like there is a love triangle half brewing at the moment, but it’s done in a good way. You’re not forcing it. It’s like Lili has a past with one guy, so naturally there’s some tension and then on the other hand the best friend being in love with her cliche is playing out naturally instead of “oh all of a sudden I’m in love with my bff”. So I think the love interests are done really well.

  • I am a little confused though with your story description, because you’ve said she meets a mysterious boy, but she hasn’t really met anyone new.

  • I notice you change even the extras clothes every new day and I love it. You pay attention to small details. I hate when stories have MC’s best friends in the same clothes for a week.

  • I also loved on the plane you animated Myra and the blonde guy in the background. And not just with looping animations, like you made them have a whole conversation while Keel and Lili were talking.

  • I think you forgot to remove the gun prop from Lili as she’s holding it in the hospital.

  • The bar scene would look so much better if you had the bartender behind the bar, using overlays.

  • Yay, I was so happy to hear Lili’s origin story on how she got to the circle. I found that really interesting and it wasn’t what I was expecting. Although maybe my theory about her mum being the one who organised the break in was off…

  • Although, and I touched on this a bit before, when you let us customise Keel, you must not have coded it to include a twin for flashbacks. My Keel has mocha skin and braids, and in the flashback he’s a pasty white boy with cropped hair LOL. Please try and fix that up. I think there’s a code where you can do @ CHARACTER becomes CHARACTER and it will give the flashback Keel the features the readers chose.

  • After the flashback, Lillian isn’t wearing the outfit I chose :roll_eyes:

  • Woah, plot twist (I was right about the mum yay). So I knew that Zosha chick was evil. Wouldn’t have predicted Jay though. That surprised me. I thought you would have made the traitor Brooklyn or Myra. Did Zosha lose her accent or was she faking it at the beginning to fit in the circle?

  • The ending, whilst it was a massive cliff hanger, the car hitting her didn’t look quite right. The car was spotted a bit too high so on my phone it looked like it was hovering (although I guess that’s futuristic) and when Lili gets hit you need to add some kind of fall animation or faint animation.

Ok, I honestly feel like I haven’t said enough points but it’s just because I was actually reading and enjoying it, so I was really only pointing out small errors so I didn’t forget. But yes, I really loved this. Action is not my favourite genre, but this really kept me interested. I almost want to complain because it took so damn long to get answers, but I can’t really complain about that because that just means you did a great job as a writer. I’m really interested to see what you do for season 2. I guess the two things I still don’t get… I touched on it before a bit but I don’t think the story description best represents your story? And my other thing is the title? I don’t see too much of a correlation between the story name and what I just read. Considering when you search Revival in the app, it comes up with so many other stories, you may want to consider if this name is truly the best fit (if you have an attachment to it, or if it will be clear in season 2, I understand not wanting to change it). Finally, I’m so shocked this doesn’t have more reads! How long has this been out?

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#49

Hi thank you so much for this review- it really helps and I really appreciate it.

  1. Thank you so much for reminding me about the description of Keel- I really appreciate it :slight_smile:
  2. Do you have any ideas where I could get customized backgrounds?? I really don’t know anything about how to do that lol I’m so bad with computers.
    3.Yes I totally agree I need to change the story description. I’m going to do that now.
  3. OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO REMOVE THE GUN THAT’S SO EMBARASSING
    5.OMG I CAN’T BELIVE KEEL DIDN’T STAY THE SAME- I have no idea why it did that. Do you know how to do that?? I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. If you could help that would be great
  4. And I have no idea why she wouldn’t be wearing the outfit you chose- I used if, Elise, else- I’ll definitely take another look at that - sorry about that!
    7.And thank you for reminding me about Zosha’s accent- going to add that into the script- I think that’s kind of a cool part of her :wink:
    8.I know the car works sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t- I’m going to see if I can get some help fixing it.
    9.I added the faint animation, but for some reason it only works sometimes :frowning:

To answer your questions at the very end, I am going to change the description. Honestly, I only made it that way because I wanted to draw people in and mostly people just want stories with bad boys lol- but my story was way more than that but I wanted to draw people in in the first place. But yeah it’s dumb and needs fixing and doesn’t make sense with the story. And the title will have more relevance in season 2- I already have the whole story planned out. This story was originally a book that I wrote- but yeah just from season 1 I can see why you would be confused with the story title LOL. And thank you! It has only been out for 8 days :slight_smile: I am so happy with all the feedback I’ve been getting though :slight_smile: people seemed to like it, and what I wanted was for people to get invested in the characters the way I get invested in characters and plots of other people’s stories. Thank you so much for this review!! It is so appreciated. Your points were honest, and extremely helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

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#50

And actually could you tell me when Lillian wasn’t wearing the outfit you chose in episode 10 if you remember? Like was it after the very first flashback, or one of the last ones? If you could remember that would be helpful :wink:

#51

Woah 8 days? So you released the whole first season at once?

I’m glad you’re happy with your review and don’t feel bad about the few mistakes. I had hundreds in my first story that I didn’t notice for like 6 months.

For custom backgrounds, there’s quite a few threads on the forums that you could request on. Or there’s lots of people who share their background drive. There’s a few here on this thread:

For number 5, I would first need to know how you coded it. Did you just add a character named YOUNG KEEL?

My advice with the story description is to write what it’s really about and then when it comes to tags, go crazy adding cliche’s like bad boys, etc.

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#52

Yes I thought that it would be smart to release the entire first 10 episodes at once so people could binge read… and then I realized after I published that I should have released like 1 a week or something lol- and thanks for the background request idea! And yes I did add another character named young keel. As soon as I typed it I was like oh yeah thats why lol- and that’s a great idea!! I’m going to do that for the description. Thank you so much endlessly again- reviews like this that are honest are so helpful- especially because it’s my first story. I had no idea what to expect. Thank you so much again!

#53

Well, I think that is smart for the binge reading aspect, because that’s exactly what I did. I’ve secretly always wanted to try that with a story to see if it works better than doing one episode every so often. But it’s a matter of promoting your story now, so people find out about it.

I’m pretty sure if you use the command @YOUNGKEEL becomes KEEL it will give young keel the same features that the reader chooses, but I’ve never actually used that so test it out first coz I could be wrong.

#54

yes! I tried that and it worked- thank you so much for all of your help;)

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#55

@JMO - Him and I
Hey Jaleesa, here’s my thoughts on your story.

  • I love that you made an intro. Like opening credits for a tv show!
  • You have so many choices already. It’s great. I love it.
  • I’m not a fan of having an MC who just has had so many sad things happen to her. Which is more just a personal choice for me that I wouldn’t pick a story where the MC has lost her mother and lost all her friends and is just feeling a bit down on life. But I understand it can be necessary for the plot and so that’s probably (hopefully) the case here.
  • Episode 1 was way too short. I feel like I didn’t get a chance to see much of anything, so I’m not really sure what’s ahead.
  • Careful with author notes. If you’ve read my other reviews, I’m pretty strongly against them, but for you I just want to say be careful about giving away private contact details. If you must include something, just say to drop a fanmail.
  • You’ve got a good amount of BG characters outside the school.
  • Lana is stuck on a talk loop animation while Kaly is talking. Make sure you change her animation to idle_shiftweight_loop or listen_nod_loop or something.
  • Woah, there was a particular swear word that a lot of people will get offended at that you didn’t bleep out. Where I’m from, it’s kind of not really that bad of a word I guess and that may be the case for you too, but keep in mind your readers might not see it that way. Please make sure you add a warning splash for strong language if you want to keep that word there.
  • I feel like the whole “school day” could have happened in one episode and then you would have had a nice, lengthy first chapter and then you could meet the love interest in episode 2 and go from there.
  • The zooming at Pop’s between each zone gets a bit tedious. After the first 2 or 3, I would recommend just cutting between zones instead of pans.
  • I thought it was a cool idea to have a day dream, but I think you could have had them kissing for a bit, maybe Ailani describing it, and then Kestin snaps her out of it by asking if she was ok.
  • Omg I was laughing so much when you pan over to Ailani and she’s kissing the air. I felt second hand embarrassed for her.
  • At the end of episode 3, there was two fade outs. Maybe check your script and see if there was a double up?
  • Episode 4, you shouldn’t need to do that choice again, as Ailani should still be wearing it from the last time.
  • I love that background.
  • Another thing I laughed at was when she said a pro was that he was hot. But that was the only pro she actually came up with? Gosh, I remember when I used to think like that lol :laughing:
  • I have the same complaint in the car about the panning between zone 1 and zone 2. Sometimes cutting between scenes works better.
  • I’ve noticed sometimes you have full stops at the end of sentences and other times you skip it. Make sure you pick one and stick with it through out so you have a uniform.
  • I’m not sure if those were really numbers or not, but either way, I’d advise changing it to having them exchange phones and doing a text animation rather than saying out loud and risking some reader seeing if it’s a real number.
  • The same thing happened at the end with a double transition to fade out black.

So overall, despite my hesitations about having an MC with too many sad events happen to her, I actually think the plot could be something I really enjoy. But the episodes are quite short and sort of leave me hanging…? I’m still not really sure where it’s heading yet.
As tricky as it would be, I would merge the school day into one episode and then the trip to pops and the drive into another episode. I know this would be annoying since you’ve already published 4 episodes and here I am telling you to move everything around. So I totally understand if you want to tell me to stick my idea where the sun don’t shine. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve done that with one of my own stories, and I think it really paid of to extend my episodes, hence why I’m suggesting it to you :heart:

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#57

@NatashaRomanoff Back to the Beanawitzels

Hey Natasha, here’s my thoughts:

  • Your scene with them all taking the photo is so packed! I can’t even begin to imagine that coding.
  • Just before MC comes in with the car, Derek and Joan are running on the spot…?
  • I’m noticing in some sentences you have capital letters for words in the middle that shouldn’t, and then other times I see someone’s name without a capital letter, when it should have one.
  • I’m a little confused because on your profile, you’ve got in your name new story, but this is fully released… Did you release them all at once?
  • I’m also getting the parody vibe from this, is this what you were going for?
  • I had to laugh at the back and forth between Rita and Josiah. And then when MC comes in and see her own name. Very funny.
  • You’ve got a good use of spotting with your BG characters. I know I’d be too lazy to code in so many characters, but you seem to be including everyone.
  • Your episodes are pretty short. I think because you’re fully released, that’s perhaps a good tactic to get people to binge read, but it also does feel like I’m not getting a lot for the passes I’m spending :roll_eyes:
  • Be careful in the scene were MC and Josiah are about to go to sleep with the talking being on loop. You missed it a couple of times so they stayed talking.
  • So funny when Josiah asks who she was talking to when she’s getting dressed.
  • When Joan enters the reception area she sorta comes down from the sky and then looks too big in the scene compared to other characters.
  • I thought it was good we get to choose our wedding date and locations. Made it feel like our choices matter.
  • Somewhere in the Billboard scene you’ve spot placed a speech bubble and forgot to reset it because it carries over to the next scene.
  • In the beginning of episode 6, the background shows up and then MC pops in after a second.
  • Ramsues is on screen wearing a different outfit in the gym and then changes after a bear. You want her to change before the scene starts.
  • In the beginning of episode 7, your warning splash is zoomed in so it can’t be read.
  • In episode 8, Chris Cross is wearing his swimsuit still form the party. Did you forget to change it back?

Ok, so I’ve read to half way and I’m going to leave it there for this review. Overall I think you’ve got a good sense of coding and directing, it’s definitely your strong point and I have to give you props for including so many characters in so many scenes.
I don’t think you and I have the same sense of humor, which is fine. We can’t all be the same. I did find a few funny moments throughout your story that I liked, and I can see other things that didn’t make me laugh but I know others will love it.
I think a suggestion would be to re-read your story and look for the tiny details that you might have missed the first time - things like outfit changes, looping animations and characters holding on to the props longer than they should, resetting the speechbubbles and checking those names for capital letters. They’re only small errors, but I think if you can fix up those small issues, it will really improve your story as a whole.

#58

@lou.episode - Puppy Love

  • So I’ll start by saying I’ve actually got an unpublished story with the same title, so obviously I like the name you’ve chosen, it’s very cute. But if you don’t include a dog somewhere, I’ll b a little sad,

  • I like knowing my choices will count for something.

  • You seem to have a good use of text effects.

  • Nice opening. Your dinner scene looks full.

  • Oooh, nice intro. It gives me a good idea for what’s to come. I hope this is included in all episodes (yay, a dog)

  • I love your toilet and bath. It looks really good.

  • When Jason takes a shower, maybe add in an iris transition? Or a slide transition? Otherwise it looks like his shower takes 1 second. The transitions will make it look like there’s a time jump.

  • Oh my god, the dogs thoughts!!! I’m dying. I actually do this with my own dogs, and I walk them around my house and take them to my mum and dad and put on a little kids voice so it sounds like the dogs are saying sorry to them.

  • Careful with display names. Having GIRL2 show up sort of ruins the illusion.

  • Good use of background characters and having cars in the scene.

  • In the choice, compliment is spelled wrong. Compliment means to give praise, express admiration or giving congratulations. Complement, on the other hand, means completing something or to make something perfect.

  • “So mind if let’s continue our catch up there??” A little mixed up with what he’s trying to say ( like grool in Mean Girls). So mind if we continue our catch up there? or Let’s continue our catch up there.

  • I’d love it if you could slip in their ages somewhere. I get they’re adults because they’ve left school, but maybe have Gianna say she hasn’t seen Jason since she left school x amount of years ago, so I can tell if we’re talking mid-twenties or what…

  • Ooh, I really like that there’s some subtle drama being set up with Mike and Gianna.

  • OMG the dog!!! I can’t get over it. Exactly how many dog overlays did you have uploaded for this story?

  • If you’ve read my other reviews, you’d know how I feel about author notes. I feel like there’s no need to explain that it’s your first story or to explain that English isn’t your first language. I didn’t see any English errors, except for that one sentence… So don’t bother excusing yourself for it because it was totally fine, and it’s actually even more impressive that you can code a whole episode story without English being your first language. Own that!

  • This is sort of a weird thing to say, but it’s very thoughtful that Alli’s naked and still has a collar on. Like, of course she wouldn’t be wearing clothes! So I’m glad you didn’t overlook this fact.

  • I’ve never really been a fan of art scenes, but I really liked yours. It made sense to be there. I’m low key jealous that (technically) a dog has a better boobs than me, but it is what it is.

  • This is too funny. I’m really creeped out seeing a naked blonde running up to a guy calling him “master” but considering the context, it’s hilarious.

  • Ewww when he checks her out. Am I supposed to treat this as bestiality now? Also how old has Alli become now that she’s human? Because he called her an innocent girl, which if she’s supposed to be a child, will disturb me. But if you’ve magically upped her age to be appropriate then yay! Maybe just changing that wording though to woman or lady…

  • Again, I need clarification on their ages, especially if that’s his first time seeing a naked female body.

  • Nice spot directing when Jason is pacing in his room.

  • Omg, poor doggy doesn’t know how to wear clothessssss :cry: (this is how I get when it comes to puppies)

  • Alli’s thoughts are so pure, it makes me cry.

  • Ok, this thought is kinda complicated so bare with me… I know it’s realistic that if a naked chick shows up in your apartment claiming to be your dog, you wouldn’t believe her and so of course you’d take her to the police or something buuuuutttt (I can’t believe I’m saying this) I really wish this was unrealistic and he would just believe her straight away because I feel so so so SO SO bad for her right now.

  • Again, with the author’s note episode 2, this time I’m going to tell you DON’T GIVE AWAY THE ANSWERS! Keep your readers guessing, it will urge them to write you fanmail and then you can respond by “wait and see :wink:” and then you can explain the collar thing later in the story.

  • If Jason has been thinking about her that whole night/dayish, why is it that his condition is she must stay away?

  • I like your fairies. I thought you must have been using a filter, but no… you somehow gave them that fairy vibe just by the colors you used.

  • When Alli leaves jail, the BG characters looks a bit too big in the scene outside the city building.

  • I’ve noticed a couple of times in episode 4, there’s a shift between present tense and past tense. Eg. “Did I just saw my gummy hear in her undies?”
    You could change that to either…
    Did I just see my gummy hear in her undies?
    Or…
    I just saw my gummy hear in her undies!
    Just read over the scene where Jason is picking up Gianna, because there’s a few more lines of dialogue like that.

  • Aww, I’m so conflicted between feeling scared for Allie with the stranger and laughing at how naive she is.

Alright, so that brings me up to date and I just feel so torn. I like your story, but it also makes me sad, but it’s also very cute, but it also makes me very worried and anxious about this poor puppy, but it’s also kind of funny and light-humored, so yeah… To sum it up, I think you’ve done an excellent job at making me conflicted :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

3 Likes
#59

Waaaahhh this review is awesome! Thanks by the way for the corrections especially the GIRL2 display name HAHA I’ll change it. I’m so so happy you liked my story. :kissing_heart::two_hearts:

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#60

By the way, their ages are in the mid 20s. Alli’s age as a dog is probably less than 2 years, maybe at 1yr and 6mons. According to my research, a year in a dog’s life is equivalent to 15 human years so I can probably say Alli is 22yrs old or something near that.

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#61

Ah, ok. Well I think Jason would have seen a woman’s body by then, but I guess for the sake of the story it’s better if he hasn’t. It adds some humor.

#62

Hey @amberose,

I love your reviews so much, you really put effort to this and you often point out small but important things I’ve never seen in any other thread.
I would love to receive a review from you on my story:

Title: H&V: Challenge Accepted
Genre: Comedy
Author: Annie Edison
Description: You never wanted to be a superhero. But how could you say no when you manage to collect the weirdest squad ever https://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/i/4528160294699008

Thanks!

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#63

Aww did you just review my reviews? :kissing_heart: I’ll add you to the list :grinning:

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#64

Well, not all of them, but when I saw how detailed they are, I was like “Wow”, and wanted to read a few :slightly_smiling_face:

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#65

Hahaha, I was meaning did you review how I review others. LOL! But I’m glad for the confusion, because it’s nice to hear that my reviews have brought some interest for others stories :relaxed:

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#66

Haha, I just did and apparently I didn’t even realize it :smiley:

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