Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

@KerriStrwberry - Mischief Night

  • Yay! Finally a different kind of intro. It’s like not quite an author note and not quite a character on screen introducing everything, but at the same time it is both of those things. It’s like kind of a hybrid of the two, which tbh is more of a risk since that’s two ways most people hate stories starting with, and yet somehow you pulled it off and it totally works

  • I feel like there was something off with the shoves. It was either the timing… Like the fall was happening before the shove was finished, or they were too far apart so it never looked like Brooklyn actually touched Mr Narrator. I couldn’t tell but I think it was one of those things.

  • When Landon and Divya enter, I do worry the breaking-the-fourth-wall intro loses its touch a little bit. I think I’ll have to see how it plays out before forming a final opinion, but I preferred it just being Brooklyn who was talking to the readers… I guess that’s why I liked when Landon warned her about people losing interest lol.

  • There was a little error with the transition. Basically the kitchen background showed for a second and then there was the shades transition.

  • When Brooklyn enters the kitchen and then walks up to Landon and Divya, have her do it while walk_rear.

  • I’m also picking up on pauses between each line of dialogue. I’m not sure what your script is like. If I were to guess though, it feels like maybe you’re resetting all the character after they talk to do a non-speaking snaimation, but it’s still taking up a beat. If this is the case, try using the & symbol instead of @. Example: not using actual lines from your script though lol
    BROOKLYN (talk_neutral_loop)
    I don’t like Halloween.
    &BROOKLYN is idle_shiftweight
    LANDON (talk_doubtful)
    Well, too bad.

  • Your Halloween costume ideas were pretty great considering what I know of Brooklyn. Like, they suited her personality since she’s not really into the Halloween theme. And I liked how you changed her hair for the Elm St option.

  • I think you had a transition of iris in at the end of that scene, but it should have been iris out.

  • Outside the Halloween Party, a few of your BG characters look way too big. Consider where they’re standing in relation to the house when you spot them.

  • Omg :heart_eyes: Destiny’s Child?!? That was sooooo good!

  • Landon changing outfits was both hilarious and a really smart idea. I loved the animation you used for his reveal as well.

  • I think at some point you might have spot placed the speech bubble but you havent reset it. It’s always pointing to the top right no matter who’s talking.

  • When it opens to the graveyard scene, there’s a fade out transition when it should be fade in.

  • The way you’ve animated the ghost/spirit is amazing. The more realistic it gets, the more it scares me haha.

  • I love how she seemingly fell out of the sky. Perfect place to end your first episode too and great length.

  • Ok, I may have been wrong with the transitions. I think you’re getting the in/out right but you’re “placing the scene” using @ symbols when it should be & like I mentioned before. That will prevent the awkward pause before the fade ins.

  • Well I have no idea what Axis and Ember’s relevance is to Brooklyn right now, but awww their little courtship is sooooo cute.

  • “What are referring too” should be “to” during the terrace scene.

  • Now just a minute… Is Ember Brooklyn? That’s what I’m think when she’s getting her wings clipped and changing her clothes… And if that’s the case then ooooh interesting!

  • Those eyes!

  • I love the variety of skin tones. Especially the ash one for Dracula! You’ve got great characters.

  • Another good spot to end the episode. It was a nice cliff hanger.

  • Those door overlays at the beginning of episode 3 look great!

  • So my knowledge on vampires is based on Twilight, but I think you’re doing a great job for Dracula anyway. The eyes were pretty cool, and I liked that you gave him super speed, plus the ability to smell.

  • Ooh I really like the ghosts. I’m sort of wondering how young they are and if they’re supposed to be brother and sister or if they’re a couple.

  • Dahlia and Elle’s dance made me laugh.

  • Where Brooklyn is locked up, Drac’s speech bubble covers his own face.

  • Oh gosh! What happened to Mr Narrator’s clothes?! :scream:

  • Lol, I almost did not see Lance on that disco ball! Side note: hi Jem! If you’re still stalking this thread, I see you in this story. Nice dress.

  • I think it’s really great that you’re still including the “human” world. It’s like each episode has really covered different aspects of this story, which I really didn’t think it was possibly since the title made me think it would be a short story, but somehow you’ve got chapters of perfect length and still have enough content to keep going. It’s impressive.

  • I liked how Brooklyn ran through the forest. There was the wrong transition used though in terms of out/in.

  • Ok, I was wondering what Brody was hahaha. I feel like the tattoo should have given it away.

  • A couple of scenes in episode 5 have had characters “pop” in.

  • The drink names at the bar were hilarious!

  • “I thought for sure she’d at least have her top off with you by now” HAHAHA

  • In the grave yard you will need to move Landon back a layer when they’re looking at the phone.

  • Part of me is like okaaay make out with the hot guy you just saw turn into a wolf, nbd, totally normal, but the other part of me is like idk, considering Brooklyn’s hair colour, of course she would make out with a werewolf. Is it weird that I think that’s a hair colour thing? Perhaps.

  • I love the banter between Arros and Aiya.

Ok, so I’m all caught up. I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed that… which tbh I wasn’t sure if I would because I’m a lot like Brooklyn and don’t really get into Halloween. Lol. But yeah, it was quite funny and your characterization was on point. My only few tips would be to polish those transitions between scenes and to spot direct a few speechbubbles as there were several that kept pointing to the wrong character. Here’s some guides that will probably help with that:
For speech bubbles: 💭 HOW TO: Spot direct Speech Bubble
For transitions: HOW TO: Transitions
For using the &/@ symbols:
I think once you fix up those small errors, you’re on your way to a hit :blush: