@Kayoshe - A Perfect World
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So with the beginning, starting off with CC is actually kind of hard because I don’t know anything about MC or the other guy. I always like to try and find a way for my CC to be integrated naturally. And tbh, after seeing your first scene, it would be easy to do that with your story. This is only a suggestion, but what if you started with a close up zoom Kayah’s legs as she started running? You could have the thoughts/narration going as she ran and then slowly zoom up to her face and then do the CC?
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The looping background looks good up until the masked guy comes in. It sucks that episode doesn’t have a run animation with a gun, but there’s ways to work around it if you’re creative. One idea, is if you took on my CC idea, after the CC was over you could switch to an idle background, or if not that, you could zoom on unknowns’ top half so then we can’t actually see his legs aren’t moving. Either way, by the time Kayah is on the ground, you should switch it to the idle background so they don’t look like they’re sliding.
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There was one background character that “popped” into the scene at the school. Make sure you place them using & instead of @ to avoid this.
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Zach is her boyfriend? They really don’t come across as a couple hahaha.
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When the boys join the group and then again later on when Evina’s in the kitchen, their walking movement is kind of rushed. I’d say you just need to add how long it takes them to walk to their spot. Example:
@Evina walks to screen right in 3
On that note as well, in the school scene, was their a reason that guy chose to stand behind Kayah. He was upscreen right, but since it was more of a boy vs girls convo taking place, it would probably be better to put Kayah there and have Zach screen centre facing right. That way you’ve got a bit of a power play. -
In the store, Kayah and Zahara “pop” into the scene after the pan. Make sure you place them in zone one before you pan to it so it looks like they were there the whole time.
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Wait… What’s Eva up to? Isn’t she Kayah’s sister? Why has she got it out for Roxy? (Also, I laughed at that comment about shaving. Not sure if that was a pube joke or general statement but both made me laugh).
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Ok, apart from my overall confusion at Evina and Eva (btw I didn’t realise they were twins for the longest time lol) and their motivation, I really like how Blake is introduced. That was a nice simple way to have the reader meet the love interest.
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Blake dancing made me laugh soooo much because he just looks so serious in his suit. Wasn’t expecting him to let loose.
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So the way the DJ introduced the slow song was good, but there was an awkward pause getting Kayah and Blake into position and then in the end there dancing wasn’t timed to match each other.
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Zach and an anonymous texter all in one scene! Unlucky day for Kayah. Kinda sucks that it looks like she was cheating on Zach even though she only just met Blake.
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So the characters popping into the scene is happening quite a bit now. If you’re placing all your character into the scene on a different line, you need to swap out @ for &. The & will make them all appear at the same time.
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Also, wow this is a long episode. I’m surprised I’m still on episode one. I bet this took up a lot of lines in your script.
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I’m with Kayah, what the heck! What kind of a sister hooks up with your boyfriend in YOUR room! Low blow.
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Is it bad that I think it’s funny how Sneak pins the robbery on Marcus?
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Ok, this is strange because I thought episode one was long, but now I think episode 2 was quite short.
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At the beginning of episode 3, Kayah is wearing a completely different outfit.
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It’s a little weird that all the girls go to bed wearing shoes lol.
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Well, this phantom texter has got me intrigued. I feel like this could be related to the opening scene maybe?
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Wow, Kayah’s dad is so intense!
Ok, so I’m up to date. I know I made a few suggestions throughout my review already, but just to recap, I think it’s just a matter of using the & symbol to help you with spotting/placing characters. Once you get a hang of it, it’s going to help make the dances and hug scenes flow smoother and give it a nice polished look. Also want to say I really like how you ended all your episodes on cliff hangers, because that suits the drama genres.