Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Yes I thought that it would be smart to release the entire first 10 episodes at once so people could binge read… and then I realized after I published that I should have released like 1 a week or something lol- and thanks for the background request idea! And yes I did add another character named young keel. As soon as I typed it I was like oh yeah thats why lol- and that’s a great idea!! I’m going to do that for the description. Thank you so much endlessly again- reviews like this that are honest are so helpful- especially because it’s my first story. I had no idea what to expect. Thank you so much again!

Well, I think that is smart for the binge reading aspect, because that’s exactly what I did. I’ve secretly always wanted to try that with a story to see if it works better than doing one episode every so often. But it’s a matter of promoting your story now, so people find out about it.

I’m pretty sure if you use the command @YOUNGKEEL becomes KEEL it will give young keel the same features that the reader chooses, but I’ve never actually used that so test it out first coz I could be wrong.

yes! I tried that and it worked- thank you so much for all of your help;)

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@JMO - Him and I
Hey Jaleesa, here’s my thoughts on your story.

  • I love that you made an intro. Like opening credits for a tv show!
  • You have so many choices already. It’s great. I love it.
  • I’m not a fan of having an MC who just has had so many sad things happen to her. Which is more just a personal choice for me that I wouldn’t pick a story where the MC has lost her mother and lost all her friends and is just feeling a bit down on life. But I understand it can be necessary for the plot and so that’s probably (hopefully) the case here.
  • Episode 1 was way too short. I feel like I didn’t get a chance to see much of anything, so I’m not really sure what’s ahead.
  • Careful with author notes. If you’ve read my other reviews, I’m pretty strongly against them, but for you I just want to say be careful about giving away private contact details. If you must include something, just say to drop a fanmail.
  • You’ve got a good amount of BG characters outside the school.
  • Lana is stuck on a talk loop animation while Kaly is talking. Make sure you change her animation to idle_shiftweight_loop or listen_nod_loop or something.
  • Woah, there was a particular swear word that a lot of people will get offended at that you didn’t bleep out. Where I’m from, it’s kind of not really that bad of a word I guess and that may be the case for you too, but keep in mind your readers might not see it that way. Please make sure you add a warning splash for strong language if you want to keep that word there.
  • I feel like the whole “school day” could have happened in one episode and then you would have had a nice, lengthy first chapter and then you could meet the love interest in episode 2 and go from there.
  • The zooming at Pop’s between each zone gets a bit tedious. After the first 2 or 3, I would recommend just cutting between zones instead of pans.
  • I thought it was a cool idea to have a day dream, but I think you could have had them kissing for a bit, maybe Ailani describing it, and then Kestin snaps her out of it by asking if she was ok.
  • Omg I was laughing so much when you pan over to Ailani and she’s kissing the air. I felt second hand embarrassed for her.
  • At the end of episode 3, there was two fade outs. Maybe check your script and see if there was a double up?
  • Episode 4, you shouldn’t need to do that choice again, as Ailani should still be wearing it from the last time.
  • I love that background.
  • Another thing I laughed at was when she said a pro was that he was hot. But that was the only pro she actually came up with? Gosh, I remember when I used to think like that lol :laughing:
  • I have the same complaint in the car about the panning between zone 1 and zone 2. Sometimes cutting between scenes works better.
  • I’ve noticed sometimes you have full stops at the end of sentences and other times you skip it. Make sure you pick one and stick with it through out so you have a uniform.
  • I’m not sure if those were really numbers or not, but either way, I’d advise changing it to having them exchange phones and doing a text animation rather than saying out loud and risking some reader seeing if it’s a real number.
  • The same thing happened at the end with a double transition to fade out black.

So overall, despite my hesitations about having an MC with too many sad events happen to her, I actually think the plot could be something I really enjoy. But the episodes are quite short and sort of leave me hanging…? I’m still not really sure where it’s heading yet.
As tricky as it would be, I would merge the school day into one episode and then the trip to pops and the drive into another episode. I know this would be annoying since you’ve already published 4 episodes and here I am telling you to move everything around. So I totally understand if you want to tell me to stick my idea where the sun don’t shine. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve done that with one of my own stories, and I think it really paid of to extend my episodes, hence why I’m suggesting it to you :heart:

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@NatashaRomanoff Back to the Beanawitzels

Hey Natasha, here’s my thoughts:

  • Your scene with them all taking the photo is so packed! I can’t even begin to imagine that coding.
  • Just before MC comes in with the car, Derek and Joan are running on the spot…?
  • I’m noticing in some sentences you have capital letters for words in the middle that shouldn’t, and then other times I see someone’s name without a capital letter, when it should have one.
  • I’m a little confused because on your profile, you’ve got in your name new story, but this is fully released… Did you release them all at once?
  • I’m also getting the parody vibe from this, is this what you were going for?
  • I had to laugh at the back and forth between Rita and Josiah. And then when MC comes in and see her own name. Very funny.
  • You’ve got a good use of spotting with your BG characters. I know I’d be too lazy to code in so many characters, but you seem to be including everyone.
  • Your episodes are pretty short. I think because you’re fully released, that’s perhaps a good tactic to get people to binge read, but it also does feel like I’m not getting a lot for the passes I’m spending :roll_eyes:
  • Be careful in the scene were MC and Josiah are about to go to sleep with the talking being on loop. You missed it a couple of times so they stayed talking.
  • So funny when Josiah asks who she was talking to when she’s getting dressed.
  • When Joan enters the reception area she sorta comes down from the sky and then looks too big in the scene compared to other characters.
  • I thought it was good we get to choose our wedding date and locations. Made it feel like our choices matter.
  • Somewhere in the Billboard scene you’ve spot placed a speech bubble and forgot to reset it because it carries over to the next scene.
  • In the beginning of episode 6, the background shows up and then MC pops in after a second.
  • Ramsues is on screen wearing a different outfit in the gym and then changes after a bear. You want her to change before the scene starts.
  • In the beginning of episode 7, your warning splash is zoomed in so it can’t be read.
  • In episode 8, Chris Cross is wearing his swimsuit still form the party. Did you forget to change it back?

Ok, so I’ve read to half way and I’m going to leave it there for this review. Overall I think you’ve got a good sense of coding and directing, it’s definitely your strong point and I have to give you props for including so many characters in so many scenes.
I don’t think you and I have the same sense of humor, which is fine. We can’t all be the same. I did find a few funny moments throughout your story that I liked, and I can see other things that didn’t make me laugh but I know others will love it.
I think a suggestion would be to re-read your story and look for the tiny details that you might have missed the first time - things like outfit changes, looping animations and characters holding on to the props longer than they should, resetting the speechbubbles and checking those names for capital letters. They’re only small errors, but I think if you can fix up those small issues, it will really improve your story as a whole.

@lou.episode - Puppy Love

  • So I’ll start by saying I’ve actually got an unpublished story with the same title, so obviously I like the name you’ve chosen, it’s very cute. But if you don’t include a dog somewhere, I’ll b a little sad,

  • I like knowing my choices will count for something.

  • You seem to have a good use of text effects.

  • Nice opening. Your dinner scene looks full.

  • Oooh, nice intro. It gives me a good idea for what’s to come. I hope this is included in all episodes (yay, a dog)

  • I love your toilet and bath. It looks really good.

  • When Jason takes a shower, maybe add in an iris transition? Or a slide transition? Otherwise it looks like his shower takes 1 second. The transitions will make it look like there’s a time jump.

  • Oh my god, the dogs thoughts!!! I’m dying. I actually do this with my own dogs, and I walk them around my house and take them to my mum and dad and put on a little kids voice so it sounds like the dogs are saying sorry to them.

  • Careful with display names. Having GIRL2 show up sort of ruins the illusion.

  • Good use of background characters and having cars in the scene.

  • In the choice, compliment is spelled wrong. Compliment means to give praise, express admiration or giving congratulations. Complement, on the other hand, means completing something or to make something perfect.

  • “So mind if let’s continue our catch up there??” A little mixed up with what he’s trying to say ( like grool in Mean Girls). So mind if we continue our catch up there? or Let’s continue our catch up there.

  • I’d love it if you could slip in their ages somewhere. I get they’re adults because they’ve left school, but maybe have Gianna say she hasn’t seen Jason since she left school x amount of years ago, so I can tell if we’re talking mid-twenties or what…

  • Ooh, I really like that there’s some subtle drama being set up with Mike and Gianna.

  • OMG the dog!!! I can’t get over it. Exactly how many dog overlays did you have uploaded for this story?

  • If you’ve read my other reviews, you’d know how I feel about author notes. I feel like there’s no need to explain that it’s your first story or to explain that English isn’t your first language. I didn’t see any English errors, except for that one sentence… So don’t bother excusing yourself for it because it was totally fine, and it’s actually even more impressive that you can code a whole episode story without English being your first language. Own that!

  • This is sort of a weird thing to say, but it’s very thoughtful that Alli’s naked and still has a collar on. Like, of course she wouldn’t be wearing clothes! So I’m glad you didn’t overlook this fact.

  • I’ve never really been a fan of art scenes, but I really liked yours. It made sense to be there. I’m low key jealous that (technically) a dog has a better boobs than me, but it is what it is.

  • This is too funny. I’m really creeped out seeing a naked blonde running up to a guy calling him “master” but considering the context, it’s hilarious.

  • Ewww when he checks her out. Am I supposed to treat this as bestiality now? Also how old has Alli become now that she’s human? Because he called her an innocent girl, which if she’s supposed to be a child, will disturb me. But if you’ve magically upped her age to be appropriate then yay! Maybe just changing that wording though to woman or lady…

  • Again, I need clarification on their ages, especially if that’s his first time seeing a naked female body.

  • Nice spot directing when Jason is pacing in his room.

  • Omg, poor doggy doesn’t know how to wear clothessssss :cry: (this is how I get when it comes to puppies)

  • Alli’s thoughts are so pure, it makes me cry.

  • Ok, this thought is kinda complicated so bare with me… I know it’s realistic that if a naked chick shows up in your apartment claiming to be your dog, you wouldn’t believe her and so of course you’d take her to the police or something buuuuutttt (I can’t believe I’m saying this) I really wish this was unrealistic and he would just believe her straight away because I feel so so so SO SO bad for her right now.

  • Again, with the author’s note episode 2, this time I’m going to tell you DON’T GIVE AWAY THE ANSWERS! Keep your readers guessing, it will urge them to write you fanmail and then you can respond by “wait and see :wink:” and then you can explain the collar thing later in the story.

  • If Jason has been thinking about her that whole night/dayish, why is it that his condition is she must stay away?

  • I like your fairies. I thought you must have been using a filter, but no… you somehow gave them that fairy vibe just by the colors you used.

  • When Alli leaves jail, the BG characters looks a bit too big in the scene outside the city building.

  • I’ve noticed a couple of times in episode 4, there’s a shift between present tense and past tense. Eg. “Did I just saw my gummy hear in her undies?”
    You could change that to either…
    Did I just see my gummy hear in her undies?
    Or…
    I just saw my gummy hear in her undies!
    Just read over the scene where Jason is picking up Gianna, because there’s a few more lines of dialogue like that.

  • Aww, I’m so conflicted between feeling scared for Allie with the stranger and laughing at how naive she is.

Alright, so that brings me up to date and I just feel so torn. I like your story, but it also makes me sad, but it’s also very cute, but it also makes me very worried and anxious about this poor puppy, but it’s also kind of funny and light-humored, so yeah… To sum it up, I think you’ve done an excellent job at making me conflicted :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

3 Likes

Waaaahhh this review is awesome! Thanks by the way for the corrections especially the GIRL2 display name HAHA I’ll change it. I’m so so happy you liked my story. :kissing_heart::two_hearts:

1 Like

By the way, their ages are in the mid 20s. Alli’s age as a dog is probably less than 2 years, maybe at 1yr and 6mons. According to my research, a year in a dog’s life is equivalent to 15 human years so I can probably say Alli is 22yrs old or something near that.

1 Like

Ah, ok. Well I think Jason would have seen a woman’s body by then, but I guess for the sake of the story it’s better if he hasn’t. It adds some humor.

Hey @amberose,

I love your reviews so much, you really put effort to this and you often point out small but important things I’ve never seen in any other thread.
I would love to receive a review from you on my story:

Title: H&V: Challenge Accepted
Genre: Comedy
Author: Annie Edison
Description: You never wanted to be a superhero. But how could you say no when you manage to collect the weirdest squad ever https://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/i/4528160294699008

Thanks!

1 Like

Aww did you just review my reviews? :kissing_heart: I’ll add you to the list :grinning:

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Well, not all of them, but when I saw how detailed they are, I was like “Wow”, and wanted to read a few :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hahaha, I was meaning did you review how I review others. LOL! But I’m glad for the confusion, because it’s nice to hear that my reviews have brought some interest for others stories :relaxed:

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Haha, I just did and apparently I didn’t even realize it :smiley:

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Jason is an innocent guy. He’s the opposite of his bestfriend Mike. Haha maybe he had seen it in photos or he have watched porns but he’s too innocent to experience it in person. :sweat_smile:

1 Like

@Katiekate - My Strength

Hey Katie,

Here I go…

  • Love your cover, I think it’s different to when you first requested your review?

  • As with all author notes I see, I’m going to recommend to scrap it. I’d especially urge you to not tell readers about your update schedule. Because even though you’ve said you’ll try to update weekly, some people will hold you to that and then your famail gets clogged with “when will you update?” and “you’re late!!”. And as for the background comment, keep in mind some readers are only readers… When you tell them things like this not only do they have no idea what you’re takling about, but it also ruins the illusion of the story.

  • When Eden’s laying on the bed, you might want to spot the speechbubble so it’s not pointing up so high.

  • Now, is there a reason why pancakes was in a gold choice box? Because I chose fruit loops, but now I’m thinking I could have missed out on something…

  • I like that this seems like it’s taking place after the cliche stories of teen pregnancies end… You know, she’s single but getting by and that’s pretty realistic for episode standards.

  • I’d suggest making Eden a bit bigger in the kitchen - half her body is the size of the cupboard!

  • And to skip breakfast, I’d have it as a transition iris out - that’s sort of the universal transition for a time skip.

  • OMG! So cute that you have Eden getting Gabi dressed and ready for the day. That’s realism right there.

  • When you pan to the Hannah and Layton kissing in the car park, they pop up after the pan. Make sure you have their spot placement before the panning command.

  • The same thing happened in Law 101. The classroom background was there and then Eden pops in. Try using &EDEN stands at screen left (or whatever spot she’s in).

  • I really like that you started off with basically a day-to-day routine, leading up to what I thought was a simple check up, but as we’re actually in the doctors, I start to get the vibe that something serious is about to happen. It’s a nice way to introduce your story, as opposed to referencing it several times throughout, because it gave me a chance to get to know the characters before the plot kicks in. Did that make sense? I feel like I’m off on a tangent now.

  • When Eden’s getting dressed in the second episode, the background you’ve got makes it look like she’s standing through the side of the bed. Try spotting her lower so it looks like she’s standing in front of the bed.

  • Oh speaking of backgrounds, since the first 3 EPs, have to be released at the same time, you probably didn’t have to mention getting your background approved. You can just change it in and none of your readers ever have to know you were waiting in the first place.

  • Check your coding when Eden’s at the club after she gets the test. You need to place everyone before your transition to fade in.

  • Careful when characters are exiting the club with their layers. They walk behind Eden when they should be in front. Make sure you move them to layer 2 or 3.

  • I love that you added the hairbrush prop. It’s nice to see people go the extra length.

  • I also like that you’re not making us tell Layton yet. It’s moving slowly and I think realistically young mothers don’t really broadcast their children to every bad boy that enters their life.

  • When Eden’s in the shower, one of the narration bubbles has a typo. “But I know what he’s going to ask”

  • I do really like all your custom backgrounds.

  • The girls make a joke about choosing Troye’s outfit, but he looks like he’s wearing the same thing as the other day.

  • I know I mentioned it before, but pay attention to what layers your characters are when they exit a scene (this time, I’ve noticed it at the lockers when Hannah comes to talk to Eden).

  • Eden and Katalin’s hug was done with them both at the wrong layers.

  • I think a proper introduction of Kato and Katalin was needed in order for me to feel more invested in them meeting “boss”. Were they Eden’s family? Or old friends from school? Or is this something to be revealed later. UPDATE: Ohhh, they’re siblings… Did I miss that before?

  • And I got to admit, I’m not too keen on Layton being some kind of gang leader (?), although, I guess it does explain his bad boy behavior. I have a suspicion this will some how lead back to Gabi’s dad…

  • I really enjoyed the flashback scenes, I think they were introduced at the right time.

  • With the texting, I can see the slightest bit of a character’s body on the left side of the screen. Just spot them a bit further left.

  • I’ve just noticed the moon necklace is on basically every outfit… Is this some kind of clue to something?

  • I don’t know if this would help you, but maybe doing a transition fade out to white and then changing the filter would help differentiate between the flashbacks.

  • In the party flashback, Ewen and [I’ve already forgotten that other girl’s name from the flashback] are wearing their school uniforms still.

  • This isn’t so much a big deal, but I think it always looks better when authors pay attention to this… So when you have characters sitting on a couch talking and then they finish their convo or whatever, and they stand back up, you want to make it look like they’re standing in the same spot. When you don’t actually change their spot placement, it sort of looks like they stand up half way in the room, if that makes sense?

  • They’re in college, right? I just feel like sometimes it feels a little too borderline high school just for the sake of the plot. For example, using the background with lockers. I don’t know about American colleges, but in Australia there are barely any lockers in the universities and when there is, you have to pay to use them. Having an assignment to “get to know your partner” is another thing I found a bit high schoolish. Similarly with the dance, it does feel kind of like high school. Again, I can’t speak for other countries, but in Australia we sometimes have classes that organize socials or events, but that’s more of a if you’re in the business class, you’re allowed to attend as long as you pay $40 or something like that. So I don’t know if my comment really applies because I know every school would be a bit different, but it did sort of feel a bit too high school having Eden wishing Layton would ask her to the dance.

  • Just a thought, but perhaps getting an overlay of the box the dress comes in would be worth adding to the scene.

  • Side note: If this was an episode official story, that would be the moment we get a gem choice LOL. “Keep wearing the outfit that was delivered to your door in a fancy box for 25 gems” or “Wear what you usually wear”

  • Careful with your layers in the ballroom scene. There was quite a few BG characters that were too high up the layer ladder.

  • Ooh, so that was quite the plot twist with Ewan, buuuuuutttt he was wearing his school uniform still.

  • A little typo with Eden’s narrations - his two favorite people.

  • I laughed so hard at Eden when she find out he’s a gang leader because her reaction was to think “This day couldn’t get any worse.” Such a simple statement hahaha.

  • I want to warn you to be careful of making Layton all of a sudden seem “soft”. I never really find it too believable that a gang leader finds a woman and suddenly wants to protect her from his world. I just think if you’re going to do that, there needs to be a lot more build up from Layton’s side. Especially because Eden seems like a smart and reasonable woman, who would run for the hills at the mention of a gang.

  • Now that Ewan’s shown up again, I’m really keen for some more flashbacks to see what happened with his character.

  • When Layton gets to the hospital, he needs to be moved to layer 2 so they hug properly.

  • And careful with your layers in the hospital room too. It should be Gabi at layer 1, Eden at layer 2 and Layton at layer 3, and when Katalin and Kato enter, Kato needs to be brought forward another layer.

  • The first nurse who does the check ups is facing the wrong way when he first enters.

  • Even without you mentioning the story title in your story, I still could understand the relation between title and story. But nice to include, nonetheless.

  • Aww, it’s very thoughtful to give Layton that connection to Gabi and Eden’s situation.

  • Well, well, well. I actually thought we were coming to an end for a second there, but Ewan escaping makes me think you have a lot more in store for your readers.

So if I’m honest, I’m a little torn on my overall opinion of your story. I like your characters and it’s cool to see motherhood portrayed in Episode. But the whole gang thing (which is now a pretty important factor of your story) throws me off a little - but that’s more of a personal thing for me because I’m not into “gang” stories. I think you’ve done a good portrayal and it’s paced very well though.

Some overall things to look out for:

  1. Layers - mostly for when a character is exiting a scene, but also in that ballroom scene and the hospital scenes.
  2. Characters “popping in” after the scene is already there. Make sure you use the “&” symbol instead of “@” when doing all your spot placements, and then having your transition fade ins at the end of all the directing commands.
  3. I know I’ve pointed out a few typos already, but just check the spell check in your chapters and it will show all of them so you can comb through your lines and get rid of them.
2 Likes

@TheBigMystery - Fantastical: Regnum Fortes

So I have seen this floating on the forums a lot lately and have been eager to get up to it. Really excited for this.

  • Your intro splashes look so pro! I think a second longer to read would be beneficial, because I was a little distracted staring at the background that I missed the first one. But still, it’s a really clean, professional look you have.

  • With the love interest customization, I’m so confused but like in a good way. Like an excitedly “what the heck is going and who do I choose to customize” kind of way. It’s so intriguing, with the way I get little descriptions.

  • I think this is a glitch with my phone, but sometimes the narrations bubbles show up blank, when I click on a love interest to get the description. I thought it was you as the author trying to be mysterious and not give any details about certain love interests, and was going to ask how you did it, but then I realized it was a glitch. LOL!

  • You’ve got a great use of text effects, and they feel like the add to the story, rather than distract.

  • I love that you’ve spot placed the narration bubble when introducing the scene.

  • Your scene looks full of BG characters, great effort there.

  • Subtitles… What?! What world am I in? Imagine me doing the shocked animation in INK right now, because that is literally my reaction.

  • Ok I’m pretty early in to this story, but I’m going to make a wild guess you’ve had this in the works prior to the contest being announced? Please confirm, because I am insanely jealous if you can come up with all this in the short amount of time contests give you. I literally take a whole day to spot one overlay!

  • I’m more putting this point here to make sure I’m following and understanding… So the twins don’t know about these kingdoms or anything? Like they think they’re regular humans?

  • OMIGAWD that scene with Xylon and the fireball and the… ice-ball (???). That looked amazing! Like you zoom in the right places and time the transitions perfectly that you can’t even tell that this is just some animation on a phone screen.

  • When I chose “I want to be your princess” I didn’t actually say it. Not sure if that’s the case for all the other options in that choice, but I have been saying all other choices I pick, so I think that one might have been overlooked.

  • I like that we get to ask all these questions again, because even though a lot of this has been explained in the intro, I have been a little distracted looking at all the pretty overlays and what not that I may have missed a few details.

  • I like the mini montage you had with Briony showing everything. She seems so energetic.

  • I can’t believe I’m still on the first episode. This is quite long.

  • Man, you are like, super creative. Coming up with those mannequins for the training? Clever. It even seems like you’ve found a way to convey things that episode doesn’t even have proper animations for!

  • And are all these backgrounds custom made in the training scenes?

  • I think you might have missed a text effect when they’re about to go on their missions. The line is
    MARYSE
    Trust me, it gets easier to cope with | in time
    I think the “|” is either the start or ending on a text effect… Or good just be a random typo all together. (If you want to change this it counts as a minor fix and won’t affect you in the contest)

  • Exin read my mind when that ice wall grew up and the arrow flew in.

  • Holy moly, that split screen thing you did! I feel like I’m watching a movie. It’s annoying that I have to tap the screen, when I just want to sit back with popcorn and watch this unfold.

  • You’ve got some really inspirational quotes sneakily weaved in here.

  • Episode 2 felt shorter, not that I’m complaining, just stating it because it’s usually episode 1 that feels shorter. Could possibly have to do with the fact that it was so action packed.

  • I haven’t said anything about your author notes as of yet, because I feel your explanations are necessary for such a complex plot, buuuuutttt at the beginning of episode 3, don’t worry about apologizing for your episode focusing on characters and being “shorter” than usual. It’s almost like you invite people to say “Wahh this was a short episode”. I say don’t bother with it and if they complain in your fanmail, just reply there saying “sorry”. At the end of the day, I’m sure readers can see how much effort was put in to this and that sometimes, there’s appropriate moments to end an episode and sometimes that moment comes sooner rather than later… Lol, woops that turned into a little mini rant.

  • Did we just do a time skip? I remember Briony saying the ball was in 2 weeks, but Xylon just said it’s tonight?

  • I really like the shift in focus for episode 3 to relationships. I know this isn’t a romance story, but with so many love interests, it’s sort of necessary to have that time dedicated to figuring out who I want and what not.

  • I used to want Limelight clothes updates selfishly for me, but now I want it because I feel like you would make good use of it. I see you’ve gotten creative with some outfits, but I’m guessing it’s pretty hard to make all your background characters look different but still make them look not-really-human.

I really honestly have nothing else to say. Your story is really great and you should be really proud of it. I feel like I’m not even worthy of reading it because it was just so mind blowing :flushed:

2 Likes

Hey, if you want you can check out my story. It’s a little bit emo, and more for an 18+ audience, but with this in mind, I’m curious to know if it is any good. Your feedback is welcome.

1 Like

Wow. Thanks so much for that thorough review!! Also, Echo mentioned it on episode 2, that they’ve been training for two weeks :grin: he mentioned it right before speaking eith Zaidee about the mission :relieved:
Another thing I wanna point out is that the speechbubbles for the love interests in episode 1 is, in fact, a glitch. It shows up when you don’t let the first few speechbubbles load properly and tap too fast.
Anyways, thanks so much for this!! I’m glad you enjoyed! :grin:
Edit: the scenes in the training montage were actually just one bg. It’s from epidode, too :grin:
EXT. TIBETAN MONESTARY (I used both day and night versions)

P.S. Yes. i have been working on the story a a few weeks before I found out about the contest :joy: I found out about it two weeks before the deadline. I was only halfway through my first episode that time, so I had to rush :man_facepalming:t3:

OMG! This is so helpful! I was kinda expecting it to be all negative because when I’ve had feedback before, people focused on the negatives.

I love the cover too! I got @LilyG to create it for me!
You’re right about telling people about updating weekly so I’ll take that out. Any choice that is in gold is because that’s what I imagine as the character’s personality/ favourite things. I wanted to make it different from a teen pregnancy story because you see so many of them that my story wouldn’t stand out so I’m glad you picked up on that! Tbh, I think Eden and Gabi’s mother-daughter relationship is goals which is why I put simple moments like Eden getting Gabi ready in.
I am currently going through my published episodes to check character placements so the bullet points you made for the spot placements, typos and layers are really helpful! I get what you mean about it being confusing on Kato and Katalin’s roles and you definitely didn’t miss it before! I might leave it like that though for some suspense. I can’t tell you whether your suspicion about Layton’s role in the gang linking back to Gabi’s dad…:wink: However, I can tell you that the moon necklace does have a story behind it which will be revealed later on in the story.
Would adding a filter to the flashbacks make it less confusing?
I understand that I may have likened their college to a high school with the projects and lockers. I think I will leave the project as it is because it’s a build-up to the events after that scene but I will move the scene in front of the lockers to outside. I don’t go to university so I don’t really know how it works! :worried:
Actually, I had thought about making an overlay for the box the dress comes in but it seemed a little bit too fiddly by making the box and then waiting for it to be approved!
I had the feeling that I may be making Layton a little bit too soft so I will pay more attention to that in future.
Thank you so much for the feedback - it means the world to me! x