Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Hahaha, that’s hilarious :rofl:

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Check the waiting list hun, you’ve already requested for this story :sweat_smile:

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oops daisy :joy: I’m going to go ahead and delete that! I apologize :revolving_hearts:

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All g

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Hi, I would love to hear your thoughts, tips or advice if you have any if you do read my story! :grin:

Story: College Days: College of Suffering
Episodes: 3
Genre: Drama
Style: Limelight.
Description: College should be a new and exciting experience, & although our MC knew she should expect anything; nothing prepared her for the reality of college. [CC]

Instagram: @sally.writes96

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4518277568790528

Cover: Mean_Girls_312Q_posterThumb_DX4G828WVN

Thank you!

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@DazzledSnowFlake - Lazy Girl Rain

  • So something I’m picking up on straight away is the use of “text” language. Like instead of spelling you y-o-u, you just use the letter “U”… There’s also a few capital letters missing, and a couple of other words that you shorten down. It would look more professional if you were spelling them all the correct way.

  • I’m not a huge fan of breaking the fourth wall much in stories, but as long as you’re consistent with it, I think it can work.

  • There’s a few transition mix ups. At the end of a scene you should have fade outs and at the beginning of scenes, it should be fade ins.

  • I notice you’re heavy with the use of narration… Just make sure to break it up so the narration bubble doesn’t take up the whole screen.

  • I don’t think you need to explain that Ray is a nickname in brackets, by the way.

  • I liked how you directed the job interview scene, but it would have been nicer to have some dialogue there too.

  • Oh wait, never mind… I see you have explained it in the scene after.

  • I love listening to Rain list her hobbies. Very funny.

  • The chapter question was a nice idea at the end of the episode.

  • At the beginning of episode 2, make sure Rain and Sophia are still moving. They look kind of frozen in the background

  • The snow was a nice touch :slightly_smiling_face:

  • You’ve got a great use of text effects. I prefer to see you using them to add emphasis more than when you just use capital letters.

  • Again, I’m loving these chapter questions because they’re giving nice prompts to your readers.

  • The smoke overlay was great technique to make it actually look like food was burning.

  • Oooh I also loved that origami overlay.

  • So I’m just up to episode 4 and I’m a little confused at what’s going on. There’s some great funny moments, but I’m just wondering what’s the goal? Is the story all about the interviews? What relevance does Cherry and Alex have to the plot?

  • The two background characters look a little too small in the computer room, but up until now, your spot directing has been pretty much perfect.

  • Oh, wait, now I think I know the importance of Cherry and Alex.

Alright, so even though I was pretty confused with where this story was going, I do think by the end of episode 4 it made a little more sense.
I’m not going to lie, the way you’re writing distracted me from the story a lot. It was just a bit hard to follow because I was so fixated on the text-language, so I’d really encourage you to go back and fix it up so all the words are spelled correctly. I think if you do that, the comedy in this story will have a real chance to shine.
The episodes were a bit on the short side, (as you can tell since I didn’t have many notes to write down as i was reading) so it might be worth it to go back and fill them with more scenes? Maybe some bonus scenes will help make sense of things a bit earlier than episode 4.
Finally, I just wanted to say Rain is such a unique main character. She’s just so different to most female leads on episode. Basically, she’s real and relatable. The whole premise of a lazy main character is refreshing and if you’re able to fix up the dialogue, I can definitely see potential with this.

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Hey! First and foremost thank you so much for your precious time! You are doing an Epi social service you know! It really takes a big heart to do this without expecting anything in return. I wish there was an award for your patience :heart_eyes: I was really waiting for your review. Infact I felt nervous (I felt like I was waiting for an exam result). I was thinking like what if she finds it as a lamest and dumbest story and decide to quit.:see_no_evil: ( Bcz I have seen extremely talented authors and I’m nowhere close to them.)

I’m really sorry that some dialogues were distracting you! Oh BTW I placed caps and lower cases jumbled purposefully in some scenes like while they were coughing .
Coming to the dialogues yeah I felt like I used short forms that I realized later (After publishing it.)
and Was there any grammer mistakes? If so please let me know… Also I couldn’t put a whole sentence in a single line in that speech bubble I don’t know why!! About transitions I am really confused since it’s my first story I put it randomely. In school scene I made them small so that they look like they are far away! (May be I should change it.). The plot is about Rain’s career and how she learns discipline. That bonus scene part I didn’t get it! Can you suggest me what I can add!

Rest of them I will make sure to change them…

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@Amberose keep up the great work! :hugs:
Also, @fcukforcookies, love your story! In my favorites and recommended and I love that intro and the character! She’s so different and the directing is on point, so well done! Definitely going to continue reading! :grin::heart_eyes:

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Oooow, thank you. I’m very happy people enjoy it :slight_smile: these reassuring messages keep me motivated even more.

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Aw thank you so much for your reply xx
Is it weird that I love hearing you were nervous? :laughing: Don’t answer that, I already know the answer is yes.

Anyway, we all start somewhere and I admire you because it takes a lot of courage to ask for someone (a complete stranger no less) to take a look at your work and advise you on how you can improve it too.

For the grammar mistakes, they were pretty scattered throughout the story so I didn’t write them down. The one I kept seeing was ellipsis (…) not containing the three dots. It’s something small, but it looks more professional. I also noticed a few “I” not capitalised but this was mostly in episode one. Sometimes it helps to have someone scan your work. Maybe you could find someone here on forums who could be an editor and pick up the mistakes you miss?

For transitions, check out this guide: HOW TO: Transitions
Basically, the “out” transitions should be the very last thing in a scene.
The “in” transitions usually go once you’ve “set” the whole scene. Example:
INT. BLACK - DAY
&AMBEROSE stands screen centre AND AMBEROSE faces right
@transition fade in black

For the bonus scenes, I guess I mean adding a bit more filler. Like, now knowing your intentions with the storylines, I think you could make the first two interviews a bit more interactive. Like even giving the reader the choice of what to say/do. Maybe having three different lazy girl type of answers. This will help make your episodes a little longer and will also help your readers be more engaged.

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Thank you so much! Can I again ask for a review after correcting these?

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Absolutely :slightly_smiling_face:

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Oh I forgot to tell you! You will love this even more… I got up early today when compared to other days thinking that you might review my story today.

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Hehehe you’re right. I do love that even more lol :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you so much for your feedback :blush::blush: I will definitely make some changes to the scenes, this Is my first episode so I was trying to get the hang of things, I really appreciate your suggestions & honest opinion, it’s really going to help me. I’m so glad you like the story!! Again thank you so much :grin:

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No worries :slightly_smiling_face: Glad you found it helpful!

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@dkr_episodes College Days: Faking it

Woop woop, return customer!

  • Oooh fancy CC background and overlay.

  • I only picked up on this because I’m blonde and was looking for my hair colour, but the only options for Hailey’s hair in “light” are strawberry blonde or that peachy blonde colour, which I thought was weird considering you said skin tone was the only thing that couldn’t be changed… Which is another thing I want to ask about. I’m guessing limb overlays?

  • The first line in the actual story is a question… but doesn’t actually have the question mark (small thing, you can change this without it affecting the contest)

  • I like the use of transitions to make it look like stage lights flashing.

  • I’m loving whole Pirate Pizza thing. I think the backgrounds are super cute and the fact that her actual role is out the front singing. It’s a nice motif which I’m thinking, based on the intro, will carry on.

  • Hailey looks soooooo terribly sad at the end of that scene, but kind of in a cute way and you’ve got me wondering what animation that is??

  • There was one small thing that stuck out to me with the TV scene, and that was that the reporter was in front of the school’s overlay, so her elbow stuck out a bit. (Changing the layers won’t affect anything for the contest.)

  • Woah, wtf?? That night to day transition looked amazing!

  • I liked that you had all the background characters in that scene as she’s going to work the next day… There was one that looked a little too close to the car that drove past, but that’s not really an issue, it just sorta made me fear that there would be a car crash.

  • Mr Puccini’s dancing :joy:

  • I’m imagining your script must have a few spot placing commands because I can see you’re using my favorite reaction face, which is a sitting animation, so I know you’re going back and forth between sitting and standing, but it’s worth it because it looks good.

  • No staff? Lol, what’s the point of even opening and running this business.

  • She can’t even make a pizza? Puh-lease! who can’t make a pizza, it’s easy…

  • Hailey’s thinking “who orders pizza at 11am?” and I’m just like “oh, that’s me at least once a week at work ahaha”

  • Oh wow, she really can’t cook pizza… Nice fire overlay btw, and then having the sprinklers go off was genius.

  • The puddles were a nice touch, but the actual drip and splash were a stand out.

  • Lol, there he goes firing more people… I feel like he should just close his business, but that’s neither here nor there.

  • At the crossing road, the characters look like they’re scaled too big. When you zoom out, you can see that Hailey could probably cross the street in two steps if she tried to.

  • Ooh, he took the wrong bag, didn’t he? Side note: I’m guessing this is why blonde wasn’t a hair colour option before?

  • OMG! I mean… I knew what this story was about from the description but I was not expecting it to go down this way. I really can’t decide if I should call parents or not…

  • Eh, I decided not to. I await my bad ending lol :joy:

  • Wow, episode 1 was pretty long actually - but in a good way, you covered everything. Like if this were a TV show, that would be a great pilot.

  • … that awkward moment when you credit yourself as if you are not you for overlays and backgrounds hahaha

  • In the shower, the narration bubble covers Hailey’s face a bit… I know she’s not talking, but it still just kinda looks weird not seeing her face…

  • I meant to say this before, but I like that some of these choices are gaining personality traits.

  • Oh damn, I didn’t even notice this at first, but you have a very subtle overlay in that shower and it makes it look like there’s actual water droplets on the characters… especially Carolyne.

  • Small thing… So MC finishes shower and she opens the door to get out… But right before that Carolyne and Brian were in there and just exited left without the door.

  • I’m a little surprised that you’ve put a character wearing a headscarf in a short sleeved dress for the party scene. It’s not really appropriate.

  • I really like that you made the hair dye choice actually matter. I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t dye it :thinking:

  • I find with a lot of multiple love interest stories, the first one you meet always seems to be the “good” one, but I kind of like that Hailey’s already developing a lil crush on Alan… I think it will make choosing between them harder.

  • Hahahaha, I laughed at Brian’s fall.

  • The “woozy” background was cool! I really understood what Hailey was feeling because of that.

  • That fade in actually frightened me a bit… it was so dark for so long and all I could make out was Jacob’s tattoo and it looked like a really close close-up of an eye to me lol

  • I was about to point out she left in her undies… I’m glad she realised hahaha

  • What happened to her tattoo? The bird one?

  • What’s with the whistle Carolyne’s wearing? And later Hailey has it too.

  • Jacob’s hand when he’s carrying her (the limb overlay) looks really red… Is that because of the filter?

  • The washing machine scenario is gold

  • Oh wow, an ex boyfriend? Is it weird that her ex knows it’s her straight away but her own mother isn’t questioning why her “dead” daughter’s hair has changed colour?

  • I’d recommend changing Police1 and Police3 display names to either blank or detective something or officer something… (I’m pretty sure this is considered a small change so you could do it without it affecting the contest)

  • Me at the end of episode 3: :open_mouth: MURDER?

So overall I really enjoyed this. If it were a TV show, it would definitely be something I’d watch. I can see a lot of potential plot holes though, so I’ll be interested to see if you have any plans to explain these… Things like where are Olivia’s parents? Why couldn’t Hailey’s family tell it wasn’t her… even the fact that they probably don’t sound the exact same when singing could be a plot hole, but since it’s episode and they don’t have voices, I feel like you can get away with that one lol.

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I also put characters in towels! :heart_eyes:

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@Cheye - The Art of Broken Hearts

  • My first question has got to be about what MC is wearing during customisation? Lol

  • It’s cute that you have a little Monday splash that matches the theme of your cover.

  • Is it mean if I say Lila looks like the joker?

  • Small typo during the narration right before the choice: “Do i usually sing in school bathrooms?” - The ‘i’ should have a capital letter.

  • The transiton to a dream felt a bit random… Maybe have MC look tired as if she’s about to fall asleep first so it doesn’t seem random when she wakes up? Because I thought she was day dreaming.

  • I think the length was a bit on the short side. I don’t think enough of the plot was revealed in the first episode alone (And also, DON’T apologise for it being your first story on episode at the end of it either. Just don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry for.)

  • I love that with your outfit choices, you always have the same four “styles” but they’re always a bit different.

  • What is up with these questions? I feel bad for Drew because she has to answer them lol

  • Ok, so the somewhere in dream land part felt less random this time. It actually made me laugh when I saw that it was Drew in this dream.

  • After she picks her outfit, MC changes back into a different outfit that I hadn’t chose for her to wear that morning.

  • Woah, Lila’s costume looks great with that change of hair. I don’t know her too much, but I feel like it really suits her personality.

  • You know… For someone who planned the party, Julia isn’t very dressed up haha

  • Back at the party scene, two of your background characters are at the wrong layers. Pirate girl is smaller, but she’s been placed in from of superhero chick.

  • Hahaha, I’m actually loving the recurring dreamland scenes now. They’re a great thing to use as a staple in your story.

  • She really can’t sleep in her own bed though, can she?

  • Just a small thing, but the overlay doesn’t completely cover the cashier’s legs so we can see them at the bottom of the screen.

  • Hahaha, I knew it would be Rose in the dream this time.

So even though I found the episodes pretty short, I did quite like it. I didn’t think I would because it sounded like a sad story from the title but (so far) it’s just been kind of fun, and lighthearted. Your splashes really stand out to me because they’re all matchy matchy. I’d just say to get rid of the author notes at the end of each chapter though, because you have nothing to be sorry for!

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Awe thanks!!! I really appreciate your input!!! I’m glad it wasn’t a total bummer haha :heart: But really, thanks, You’re awesome!:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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