Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

[amberose]

@Katiekate - My Strength

Hey Katie,

Here I go…

• Love your cover, I think it’s different to when you first requested your review?

• As with all author notes I see, I’m going to recommend to scrap it. I’d especially urge you to not tell readers about your update schedule. Because even though you’ve said you’ll try to update weekly, some people will hold you to that and then your famail gets clogged with “when will you update?” and “you’re late!!”. And as for the background comment, keep in mind some readers are only readers… When you tell them things like this not only do they have no idea what you’re takling about, but it also ruins the illusion of the story.

• When Eden’s laying on the bed, you might want to spot the speechbubble so it’s not pointing up so high.

• Now, is there a reason why pancakes was in a gold choice box? Because I chose fruit loops, but now I’m thinking I could have missed out on something…

• I like that this seems like it’s taking place after the cliche stories of teen pregnancies end… You know, she’s single but getting by and that’s pretty realistic for episode standards.

• I’d suggest making Eden a bit bigger in the kitchen - half her body is the size of the cupboard!

• And to skip breakfast, I’d have it as a transition iris out - that’s sort of the universal transition for a time skip.

• OMG! So cute that you have Eden getting Gabi dressed and ready for the day. That’s realism right there.

• When you pan to the Hannah and Layton kissing in the car park, they pop up after the pan. Make sure you have their spot placement before the panning command.

• The same thing happened in Law 101. The classroom background was there and then Eden pops in. Try using &EDEN stands at screen left (or whatever spot she’s in).

• I really like that you started off with basically a day-to-day routine, leading up to what I thought was a simple check up, but as we’re actually in the doctors, I start to get the vibe that something serious is about to happen. It’s a nice way to introduce your story, as opposed to referencing it several times throughout, because it gave me a chance to get to know the characters before the plot kicks in. Did that make sense? I feel like I’m off on a tangent now.

• When Eden’s getting dressed in the second episode, the background you’ve got makes it look like she’s standing through the side of the bed. Try spotting her lower so it looks like she’s standing in front of the bed.

• Oh speaking of backgrounds, since the first 3 EPs, have to be released at the same time, you probably didn’t have to mention getting your background approved. You can just change it in and none of your readers ever have to know you were waiting in the first place.

• Check your coding when Eden’s at the club after she gets the test. You need to place everyone before your transition to fade in.

• Careful when characters are exiting the club with their layers. They walk behind Eden when they should be in front. Make sure you move them to layer 2 or 3.

• I love that you added the hairbrush prop. It’s nice to see people go the extra length.

• I also like that you’re not making us tell Layton yet. It’s moving slowly and I think realistically young mothers don’t really broadcast their children to every bad boy that enters their life.

• When Eden’s in the shower, one of the narration bubbles has a typo. “But I know what he’s going to ask”

• I do really like all your custom backgrounds.

• The girls make a joke about choosing Troye’s outfit, but he looks like he’s wearing the same thing as the other day.

• I know I mentioned it before, but pay attention to what layers your characters are when they exit a scene (this time, I’ve noticed it at the lockers when Hannah comes to talk to Eden).

• Eden and Katalin’s hug was done with them both at the wrong layers.

• I think a proper introduction of Kato and Katalin was needed in order for me to feel more invested in them meeting “boss”. Were they Eden’s family? Or old friends from school? Or is this something to be revealed later. UPDATE: Ohhh, they’re siblings… Did I miss that before?

• And I got to admit, I’m not too keen on Layton being some kind of gang leader (?), although, I guess it does explain his bad boy behavior. I have a suspicion this will some how lead back to Gabi’s dad…

• I really enjoyed the flashback scenes, I think they were introduced at the right time.

• With the texting, I can see the slightest bit of a character’s body on the left side of the screen. Just spot them a bit further left.

• I’ve just noticed the moon necklace is on basically every outfit… Is this some kind of clue to something?

• I don’t know if this would help you, but maybe doing a transition fade out to white and then changing the filter would help differentiate between the flashbacks.

• In the party flashback, Ewen and [I’ve already forgotten that other girl’s name from the flashback] are wearing their school uniforms still.

• This isn’t so much a big deal, but I think it always looks better when authors pay attention to this… So when you have characters sitting on a couch talking and then they finish their convo or whatever, and they stand back up, you want to make it look like they’re standing in the same spot. When you don’t actually change their spot placement, it sort of looks like they stand up half way in the room, if that makes sense?

• They’re in college, right? I just feel like sometimes it feels a little too borderline high school just for the sake of the plot. For example, using the background with lockers. I don’t know about American colleges, but in Australia there are barely any lockers in the universities and when there is, you have to pay to use them. Having an assignment to “get to know your partner” is another thing I found a bit high schoolish. Similarly with the dance, it does feel kind of like high school. Again, I can’t speak for other countries, but in Australia we sometimes have classes that organize socials or events, but that’s more of a if you’re in the business class, you’re allowed to attend as long as you pay $40 or something like that. So I don’t know if my comment really applies because I know every school would be a bit different, but it did sort of feel a bit too high school having Eden wishing Layton would ask her to the dance.

• Just a thought, but perhaps getting an overlay of the box the dress comes in would be worth adding to the scene.

• Side note: If this was an episode official story, that would be the moment we get a gem choice LOL. “Keep wearing the outfit that was delivered to your door in a fancy box for 25 gems” or “Wear what you usually wear”

• Careful with your layers in the ballroom scene. There was quite a few BG characters that were too high up the layer ladder.

• Ooh, so that was quite the plot twist with Ewan, buuuuuutttt he was wearing his school uniform still.

• A little typo with Eden’s narrations - his two favorite people.

• I laughed so hard at Eden when she find out he’s a gang leader because her reaction was to think “This day couldn’t get any worse.” Such a simple statement hahaha.

• I want to warn you to be careful of making Layton all of a sudden seem “soft”. I never really find it too believable that a gang leader finds a woman and suddenly wants to protect her from his world. I just think if you’re going to do that, there needs to be a lot more build up from Layton’s side. Especially because Eden seems like a smart and reasonable woman, who would run for the hills at the mention of a gang.

• Now that Ewan’s shown up again, I’m really keen for some more flashbacks to see what happened with his character.

• When Layton gets to the hospital, he needs to be moved to layer 2 so they hug properly.

• And careful with your layers in the hospital room too. It should be Gabi at layer 1, Eden at layer 2 and Layton at layer 3, and when Katalin and Kato enter, Kato needs to be brought forward another layer.

• The first nurse who does the check ups is facing the wrong way when he first enters.

• Even without you mentioning the story title in your story, I still could understand the relation between title and story. But nice to include, nonetheless.

• Aww, it’s very thoughtful to give Layton that connection to Gabi and Eden’s situation.

• Well, well, well. I actually thought we were coming to an end for a second there, but Ewan escaping makes me think you have a lot more in store for your readers.

So if I’m honest, I’m a little torn on my overall opinion of your story. I like your characters and it’s cool to see motherhood portrayed in Episode. But the whole gang thing (which is now a pretty important factor of your story) throws me off a little - but that’s more of a personal thing for me because I’m not into “gang” stories. I think you’ve done a good portrayal and it’s paced very well though.

Some overall things to look out for:

1. Layers - mostly for when a character is exiting a scene, but also in that ballroom scene and the hospital scenes.
2. Characters “popping in” after the scene is already there. Make sure you use the “&” symbol instead of “@” when doing all your spot placements, and then having your transition fade ins at the end of all the directing commands.
3. I know I’ve pointed out a few typos already, but just check the spell check in your chapters and it will show all of them so you can comb through your lines and get rid of them.