@elawayne - Once Upon A Time…
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So if you’ve read my other reviews, you probably know I don’t like author notes. However, I wouldn’t classify yours as an author note. I’m on the fence about it - I don’t like Ella explaining that there’s no CC, but I don’t actually mind her setting the scene up the way she did… So dury is still out on this one… I think if breaking the fourth wall is a continual thing, it can actually work in your favour. Not sure if you’ve read Curmudgeon by Kate Island, but that type of third-wall-breaking is what I’m talking about.
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Hahahahaha oh god! Ella’s mother is sending her into a book in which she becomes a born again virgin? This is an hilarious idea.
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The sandstorm felt abrupt the way you introduced it. Maybe try fading it by timing the changing of opacity. For example;
@overlay OVERLAYNAME opacity 1 in 4 -
The background you used for Ethan and Glen made me think they lived in tents, so then Ella showering in an actual bathroom surprised me.
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“Oh I forgot to tell you you’re a witch too”… Thanks, mum, not like that little piece of information was crucial to know or anything
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Mum also forgot to tell me who my parents were in the story? Welp. Mum is a bit of a fruit loop.
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Also, Ella isn’t wearing the outfit I chose for her. I chose elegant but she’s wearing the sexy one.
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I was low key waiting for the mum to but in when they kiss lol.
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So I’m guessing Glen is all for the money? Haha.
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Wtf? She just explained she’s engaged to someone but he’s still kissing her that night?!
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Now they’re undressing??? Where is mum? Ella was supposed to stay a virgin for the king. Lol
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Oh thank god mum said something.
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Oooh what? She got kidnapped? Nice way to keep her a virgin lol. I’d recommend a transition fade in when it opens up in the basement, so it feels like the readers opening their eyes to see the scene. Does that make sense?
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Wait wait wait… Who kidnapped her and why? That was resolved kind of quickly.
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I’m also wondering why Ethan is so taken by her… Like they haven’t know each other long and it seems to mostly be a physical attraction only…
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I’m actually surprised we made it to the palace so quickly because I can see you have 9 episodes and I kind of thought reaching the portal would be near the end of the story so I will be interested to see how you keep this going.
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I want to quickly point out how short your episodes are. They’re filled with a lot of content which is great, but because it’s so short in length, it’s starting to feel rushed. You need to find a balance between them. I’d say you just need to spend more time on scenes, building tension between Ethan and Ella for example, or showing more of Glen’s true intentions. Maybe adding more choices would help with this also? I find it helps me when I want to make my episodes feel longer. Even something as simple as giving the reader a choice for how to respond might help.
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I almost choked on my drinking seeing all those women surrounding Rowan and side note: wow, those shoes match the swimsuits perfectly.
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I don’t really get why Ella would care if he’s sneaking around with those girls since she just wants to find the portal anyway.
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What happened to Ethan? Lol
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After the dinner (the one where Ella wears blue), she’s talking to herself a lot, but she’s not doing any talking animations, so perhaps change them to thought bubbles or narration ones?
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Glad Ella comments on her mum’s absence because I’m wondering the same thing lol. I think I would have liked more interference from the mother tbh.
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During the ballroom scene, a lot of your background characters look a bit too big. I always suggest people to use a part of the background to measure the characters against when scaling. For example, use the chairs… If a character is standing right next to a chair, then they should be spotted at a size that would make them fit on the chair if they were to sit down.
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I guess Rowan’s the type to not even kiss his “betrothed” until they’re married.
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Finally! Ella remembers Ethan. I thought he was actually going to show up on the balcony tbh.
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When Ella is in the water shivering, there’s actually an animation for shivering you can use instead of awkward.
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I’d recommend changing GUY1’s name so the reader can’t see it. Since he’s not an important character, you could just chance it to no display name.
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One thing I noticed you’ve been doing which I really like, is changing her hair and make-up when she’s sleeping, showering, etc. It’s good because sometimes I’ll pick OTT hairstyles for specific events and then they don’t revert back for ages.
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Well, that was quite a dream. I feel like the kidnappers chancing her was some kind of sign… And maybe the fact that Rowan saved her was too.
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Wow, I really thought Mum had pulled her out of the book for a second there.
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When she wakes up, try spotting the speech bubbles to point to her. The default positioning has the tail pointing to the ceiling.
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Wait, 10 days without seeing Rowan? What has happened in those ten days?
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I’m so confused with your author note at the beginning of episode 8… First of all because, like I mentioned, I’m finding all your episodes are pretty short, then I’m also confused because if you yourself find it too short, why didn’t you add more scenes? Were you in a rush to update to keep it on a schedule or something?
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Rowan called Ella “assurance” but I think you might have meant to call her “insurance” - so to mean he’s keeping Ella as something to hold over her dad to make sure he returns the money, yeah?
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Oooh, your bruise overlays look awesome.
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Bahahaha, I actually laughed out loud when the portal disappeared and Rowan showed up.
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You were right, that was a short episode. Again, it’s not content you’re lacking, because there’s enough events happening, it’s just that it moves so fast.
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Mum’s message was not helpful at all. What happened to the damn portal?
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Also, what happened to Ethan? I really thought he was going to come after Ella.
To quickly sum up my main points for you (because I know I said a lot)… Perfect amount of content, but actual length needs work, so I’m recommending to expand on the scenes you already have and try to include more choices. Also, try not to leave out characters so much - I’m still wondering if Ethan and Glen were important or not - and I also would have liked to have seen Mum contribute more (try reading that story I mentioned before, might give you some ideas). Finally, I want to say that I noticed you gradually started to use more and more advanced zooms and spot placements, which was really great, so now you might want to go back to your earlier episodes to edit them and bring them up to the same standard as your most recent ones.