Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

@Katiekate - My Strength

Hey Katie,

Here I go…

  • Love your cover, I think it’s different to when you first requested your review?

  • As with all author notes I see, I’m going to recommend to scrap it. I’d especially urge you to not tell readers about your update schedule. Because even though you’ve said you’ll try to update weekly, some people will hold you to that and then your famail gets clogged with “when will you update?” and “you’re late!!”. And as for the background comment, keep in mind some readers are only readers… When you tell them things like this not only do they have no idea what you’re takling about, but it also ruins the illusion of the story.

  • When Eden’s laying on the bed, you might want to spot the speechbubble so it’s not pointing up so high.

  • Now, is there a reason why pancakes was in a gold choice box? Because I chose fruit loops, but now I’m thinking I could have missed out on something…

  • I like that this seems like it’s taking place after the cliche stories of teen pregnancies end… You know, she’s single but getting by and that’s pretty realistic for episode standards.

  • I’d suggest making Eden a bit bigger in the kitchen - half her body is the size of the cupboard!

  • And to skip breakfast, I’d have it as a transition iris out - that’s sort of the universal transition for a time skip.

  • OMG! So cute that you have Eden getting Gabi dressed and ready for the day. That’s realism right there.

  • When you pan to the Hannah and Layton kissing in the car park, they pop up after the pan. Make sure you have their spot placement before the panning command.

  • The same thing happened in Law 101. The classroom background was there and then Eden pops in. Try using &EDEN stands at screen left (or whatever spot she’s in).

  • I really like that you started off with basically a day-to-day routine, leading up to what I thought was a simple check up, but as we’re actually in the doctors, I start to get the vibe that something serious is about to happen. It’s a nice way to introduce your story, as opposed to referencing it several times throughout, because it gave me a chance to get to know the characters before the plot kicks in. Did that make sense? I feel like I’m off on a tangent now.

  • When Eden’s getting dressed in the second episode, the background you’ve got makes it look like she’s standing through the side of the bed. Try spotting her lower so it looks like she’s standing in front of the bed.

  • Oh speaking of backgrounds, since the first 3 EPs, have to be released at the same time, you probably didn’t have to mention getting your background approved. You can just change it in and none of your readers ever have to know you were waiting in the first place.

  • Check your coding when Eden’s at the club after she gets the test. You need to place everyone before your transition to fade in.

  • Careful when characters are exiting the club with their layers. They walk behind Eden when they should be in front. Make sure you move them to layer 2 or 3.

  • I love that you added the hairbrush prop. It’s nice to see people go the extra length.

  • I also like that you’re not making us tell Layton yet. It’s moving slowly and I think realistically young mothers don’t really broadcast their children to every bad boy that enters their life.

  • When Eden’s in the shower, one of the narration bubbles has a typo. “But I know what he’s going to ask”

  • I do really like all your custom backgrounds.

  • The girls make a joke about choosing Troye’s outfit, but he looks like he’s wearing the same thing as the other day.

  • I know I mentioned it before, but pay attention to what layers your characters are when they exit a scene (this time, I’ve noticed it at the lockers when Hannah comes to talk to Eden).

  • Eden and Katalin’s hug was done with them both at the wrong layers.

  • I think a proper introduction of Kato and Katalin was needed in order for me to feel more invested in them meeting “boss”. Were they Eden’s family? Or old friends from school? Or is this something to be revealed later. UPDATE: Ohhh, they’re siblings… Did I miss that before?

  • And I got to admit, I’m not too keen on Layton being some kind of gang leader (?), although, I guess it does explain his bad boy behavior. I have a suspicion this will some how lead back to Gabi’s dad…

  • I really enjoyed the flashback scenes, I think they were introduced at the right time.

  • With the texting, I can see the slightest bit of a character’s body on the left side of the screen. Just spot them a bit further left.

  • I’ve just noticed the moon necklace is on basically every outfit… Is this some kind of clue to something?

  • I don’t know if this would help you, but maybe doing a transition fade out to white and then changing the filter would help differentiate between the flashbacks.

  • In the party flashback, Ewen and [I’ve already forgotten that other girl’s name from the flashback] are wearing their school uniforms still.

  • This isn’t so much a big deal, but I think it always looks better when authors pay attention to this… So when you have characters sitting on a couch talking and then they finish their convo or whatever, and they stand back up, you want to make it look like they’re standing in the same spot. When you don’t actually change their spot placement, it sort of looks like they stand up half way in the room, if that makes sense?

  • They’re in college, right? I just feel like sometimes it feels a little too borderline high school just for the sake of the plot. For example, using the background with lockers. I don’t know about American colleges, but in Australia there are barely any lockers in the universities and when there is, you have to pay to use them. Having an assignment to “get to know your partner” is another thing I found a bit high schoolish. Similarly with the dance, it does feel kind of like high school. Again, I can’t speak for other countries, but in Australia we sometimes have classes that organize socials or events, but that’s more of a if you’re in the business class, you’re allowed to attend as long as you pay $40 or something like that. So I don’t know if my comment really applies because I know every school would be a bit different, but it did sort of feel a bit too high school having Eden wishing Layton would ask her to the dance.

  • Just a thought, but perhaps getting an overlay of the box the dress comes in would be worth adding to the scene.

  • Side note: If this was an episode official story, that would be the moment we get a gem choice LOL. “Keep wearing the outfit that was delivered to your door in a fancy box for 25 gems” or “Wear what you usually wear”

  • Careful with your layers in the ballroom scene. There was quite a few BG characters that were too high up the layer ladder.

  • Ooh, so that was quite the plot twist with Ewan, buuuuuutttt he was wearing his school uniform still.

  • A little typo with Eden’s narrations - his two favorite people.

  • I laughed so hard at Eden when she find out he’s a gang leader because her reaction was to think “This day couldn’t get any worse.” Such a simple statement hahaha.

  • I want to warn you to be careful of making Layton all of a sudden seem “soft”. I never really find it too believable that a gang leader finds a woman and suddenly wants to protect her from his world. I just think if you’re going to do that, there needs to be a lot more build up from Layton’s side. Especially because Eden seems like a smart and reasonable woman, who would run for the hills at the mention of a gang.

  • Now that Ewan’s shown up again, I’m really keen for some more flashbacks to see what happened with his character.

  • When Layton gets to the hospital, he needs to be moved to layer 2 so they hug properly.

  • And careful with your layers in the hospital room too. It should be Gabi at layer 1, Eden at layer 2 and Layton at layer 3, and when Katalin and Kato enter, Kato needs to be brought forward another layer.

  • The first nurse who does the check ups is facing the wrong way when he first enters.

  • Even without you mentioning the story title in your story, I still could understand the relation between title and story. But nice to include, nonetheless.

  • Aww, it’s very thoughtful to give Layton that connection to Gabi and Eden’s situation.

  • Well, well, well. I actually thought we were coming to an end for a second there, but Ewan escaping makes me think you have a lot more in store for your readers.

So if I’m honest, I’m a little torn on my overall opinion of your story. I like your characters and it’s cool to see motherhood portrayed in Episode. But the whole gang thing (which is now a pretty important factor of your story) throws me off a little - but that’s more of a personal thing for me because I’m not into “gang” stories. I think you’ve done a good portrayal and it’s paced very well though.

Some overall things to look out for:

  1. Layers - mostly for when a character is exiting a scene, but also in that ballroom scene and the hospital scenes.
  2. Characters “popping in” after the scene is already there. Make sure you use the “&” symbol instead of “@” when doing all your spot placements, and then having your transition fade ins at the end of all the directing commands.
  3. I know I’ve pointed out a few typos already, but just check the spell check in your chapters and it will show all of them so you can comb through your lines and get rid of them.
2 Likes

@TheBigMystery - Fantastical: Regnum Fortes

So I have seen this floating on the forums a lot lately and have been eager to get up to it. Really excited for this.

  • Your intro splashes look so pro! I think a second longer to read would be beneficial, because I was a little distracted staring at the background that I missed the first one. But still, it’s a really clean, professional look you have.

  • With the love interest customization, I’m so confused but like in a good way. Like an excitedly “what the heck is going and who do I choose to customize” kind of way. It’s so intriguing, with the way I get little descriptions.

  • I think this is a glitch with my phone, but sometimes the narrations bubbles show up blank, when I click on a love interest to get the description. I thought it was you as the author trying to be mysterious and not give any details about certain love interests, and was going to ask how you did it, but then I realized it was a glitch. LOL!

  • You’ve got a great use of text effects, and they feel like the add to the story, rather than distract.

  • I love that you’ve spot placed the narration bubble when introducing the scene.

  • Your scene looks full of BG characters, great effort there.

  • Subtitles… What?! What world am I in? Imagine me doing the shocked animation in INK right now, because that is literally my reaction.

  • Ok I’m pretty early in to this story, but I’m going to make a wild guess you’ve had this in the works prior to the contest being announced? Please confirm, because I am insanely jealous if you can come up with all this in the short amount of time contests give you. I literally take a whole day to spot one overlay!

  • I’m more putting this point here to make sure I’m following and understanding… So the twins don’t know about these kingdoms or anything? Like they think they’re regular humans?

  • OMIGAWD that scene with Xylon and the fireball and the… ice-ball (???). That looked amazing! Like you zoom in the right places and time the transitions perfectly that you can’t even tell that this is just some animation on a phone screen.

  • When I chose “I want to be your princess” I didn’t actually say it. Not sure if that’s the case for all the other options in that choice, but I have been saying all other choices I pick, so I think that one might have been overlooked.

  • I like that we get to ask all these questions again, because even though a lot of this has been explained in the intro, I have been a little distracted looking at all the pretty overlays and what not that I may have missed a few details.

  • I like the mini montage you had with Briony showing everything. She seems so energetic.

  • I can’t believe I’m still on the first episode. This is quite long.

  • Man, you are like, super creative. Coming up with those mannequins for the training? Clever. It even seems like you’ve found a way to convey things that episode doesn’t even have proper animations for!

  • And are all these backgrounds custom made in the training scenes?

  • I think you might have missed a text effect when they’re about to go on their missions. The line is
    MARYSE
    Trust me, it gets easier to cope with | in time
    I think the “|” is either the start or ending on a text effect… Or good just be a random typo all together. (If you want to change this it counts as a minor fix and won’t affect you in the contest)

  • Exin read my mind when that ice wall grew up and the arrow flew in.

  • Holy moly, that split screen thing you did! I feel like I’m watching a movie. It’s annoying that I have to tap the screen, when I just want to sit back with popcorn and watch this unfold.

  • You’ve got some really inspirational quotes sneakily weaved in here.

  • Episode 2 felt shorter, not that I’m complaining, just stating it because it’s usually episode 1 that feels shorter. Could possibly have to do with the fact that it was so action packed.

  • I haven’t said anything about your author notes as of yet, because I feel your explanations are necessary for such a complex plot, buuuuutttt at the beginning of episode 3, don’t worry about apologizing for your episode focusing on characters and being “shorter” than usual. It’s almost like you invite people to say “Wahh this was a short episode”. I say don’t bother with it and if they complain in your fanmail, just reply there saying “sorry”. At the end of the day, I’m sure readers can see how much effort was put in to this and that sometimes, there’s appropriate moments to end an episode and sometimes that moment comes sooner rather than later… Lol, woops that turned into a little mini rant.

  • Did we just do a time skip? I remember Briony saying the ball was in 2 weeks, but Xylon just said it’s tonight?

  • I really like the shift in focus for episode 3 to relationships. I know this isn’t a romance story, but with so many love interests, it’s sort of necessary to have that time dedicated to figuring out who I want and what not.

  • I used to want Limelight clothes updates selfishly for me, but now I want it because I feel like you would make good use of it. I see you’ve gotten creative with some outfits, but I’m guessing it’s pretty hard to make all your background characters look different but still make them look not-really-human.

I really honestly have nothing else to say. Your story is really great and you should be really proud of it. I feel like I’m not even worthy of reading it because it was just so mind blowing :flushed:

2 Likes

Hey, if you want you can check out my story. It’s a little bit emo, and more for an 18+ audience, but with this in mind, I’m curious to know if it is any good. Your feedback is welcome.

1 Like

Wow. Thanks so much for that thorough review!! Also, Echo mentioned it on episode 2, that they’ve been training for two weeks :grin: he mentioned it right before speaking eith Zaidee about the mission :relieved:
Another thing I wanna point out is that the speechbubbles for the love interests in episode 1 is, in fact, a glitch. It shows up when you don’t let the first few speechbubbles load properly and tap too fast.
Anyways, thanks so much for this!! I’m glad you enjoyed! :grin:
Edit: the scenes in the training montage were actually just one bg. It’s from epidode, too :grin:
EXT. TIBETAN MONESTARY (I used both day and night versions)

P.S. Yes. i have been working on the story a a few weeks before I found out about the contest :joy: I found out about it two weeks before the deadline. I was only halfway through my first episode that time, so I had to rush :man_facepalming:t3:

OMG! This is so helpful! I was kinda expecting it to be all negative because when I’ve had feedback before, people focused on the negatives.

I love the cover too! I got @LilyG to create it for me!
You’re right about telling people about updating weekly so I’ll take that out. Any choice that is in gold is because that’s what I imagine as the character’s personality/ favourite things. I wanted to make it different from a teen pregnancy story because you see so many of them that my story wouldn’t stand out so I’m glad you picked up on that! Tbh, I think Eden and Gabi’s mother-daughter relationship is goals which is why I put simple moments like Eden getting Gabi ready in.
I am currently going through my published episodes to check character placements so the bullet points you made for the spot placements, typos and layers are really helpful! I get what you mean about it being confusing on Kato and Katalin’s roles and you definitely didn’t miss it before! I might leave it like that though for some suspense. I can’t tell you whether your suspicion about Layton’s role in the gang linking back to Gabi’s dad…:wink: However, I can tell you that the moon necklace does have a story behind it which will be revealed later on in the story.
Would adding a filter to the flashbacks make it less confusing?
I understand that I may have likened their college to a high school with the projects and lockers. I think I will leave the project as it is because it’s a build-up to the events after that scene but I will move the scene in front of the lockers to outside. I don’t go to university so I don’t really know how it works! :worried:
Actually, I had thought about making an overlay for the box the dress comes in but it seemed a little bit too fiddly by making the box and then waiting for it to be approved!
I had the feeling that I may be making Layton a little bit too soft so I will pay more attention to that in future.
Thank you so much for the feedback - it means the world to me! x

@S.Dsana Fantastical: Virtues of Destiny

Hey so just quickly before I get started, I see in your description it starts with opening speech marks, but I never see the closing ones. I’m not sure if that’s a typo or some kind of hidden clue…

On to the review…

  • Your intro was strong, I quite liked it.

  • All your characters are spotted at the right size, good job! There was only one character amongst the intro that I felt didn’t stand right and that’s he werewolf up in the tower. He looks a little like he’s flying in that left corner.

  • Ohhh… I think Zane is in the wrong zone and that’s why I thought he looked like he was flying. Fixing this won’t ruin your chances in the contest, btw.

  • Ooh, I like that this is basically a reverse of your typical fantasy story. Instead of humans entering a fantasy world, you’ve got a fantasy character trying to make their way to the human world.

  • There was a double up on transitions when we get transported.

  • The choices with guessing spell are pretty fun.

  • Episode 1 was pretty short in terms of content. I felt there needed to be a bit more of the story included since the intro was quite lengthy. Maybe after the contest, you could return to episode 1 and see if you can add some more scenes in.

  • Also, your points tally at the end said I chose something that I didn’t :roll_eyes: It said I chose to stay in the limits, but I actually chose to follow my dreams. At the time I gained an influential point, but now after the credits it’s saying I have -1 influential points. Might want to check your coding there…

  • I like how you started episode 2 with those transitions flashing and the backgrounds.

  • Wait… 12 or 13 years ago? Did I read that correctly? How old is Zara?

  • You must have updated episode 2 because I had to start it again. This time when it opens, Ryder is in the wrong zone outside the waterfall, and Zane falls in the right zone but when he stands up again, he’s off screen.

  • I’ve noticed you use a lot of double exclamation marks and double question marks. ?? !! I’d suggest only using the one otherwise I read everything in an overly excited voice. Save the doubles for one you want someone to come across as extra.

  • So the carriage wasn’t offscreen that entire time so I guess the threat of the princess being hit never came to me because I could see it on screen not moving.

  • When it does move, try scaling it bigger so it’s taller than your characters.

  • I love the rose garden scene. Super pretty!

  • One thing you’ve done really well with your custom backgrounds is you’ve got it with overlays so it actually looks like the characters are entering the scene at the back.

  • I thought it was a little strange they go to all this effort to find the flower and then Zara has it “fall out” and Zane doesn’t even care. He spent a lot of time finding that!

  • In the waterfall scene I can only see Ryder. I could see someone’s arm sometimes on the left, so I think it might be a case of wrong zoning.

  • I love that you’ve added maids to the background. That’s good realism. Although the next day when Zara meets her mum and dad, one of the maids is in front of the dad. Make sure you are adding layers.

  • In the castle, when they exit the library, Zane.

  • So after your author questions, you have a fade in where it should be a fade out, and I think you forgot to reset the speechbubble because it’s stuck on the left side.
    *Episode 3 was quite long actually!

So, I think you’ve got a pretty solid plot and you know how to build up suspense, especially with that cliff hanger at the end. There were quite a few grammar mistakes, which can usually happen when you test out your story so many times that it all just becomes one huge blur so you miss things- I’d recommend getting a second pair of eyes to fix up the punctuation errors. It’s likely they will be able to spot things you’ve missed.

Another thing I want to say is I had a nosy at your fanmail (this is about to turn into a mini rant) but I find it so rude that first of all, people use it as a place to tear you down instead of trying to encourage you… And then others use it as a place to promote their own contest entries. I notice the latter a lot and I think it’s so unfair. Your fanmail should be dedicated to words of encouragement and positive feedback. If they want to point out errors, they should pm you and if they want to promote their stories they should go to the forums or insta. I applaud you for not telling them to get lost.

Yes, I thought I might have missed something. I have a very active puppy that doesn’t like when I’m looking at my phone screen instead of him so I sometimes miss those things if it’s only in one or two lines.

Wow, a new glitch. I found it only happened in those love interest speechbubbles, which I thought must have been because of the text effects. But who knows?

I could not tell that you rushed basically the last 2/3rds! That’s impressive!

1 Like

Title: Love Is A Game
Author: Cath P.
Episodes: 3 ongoing
Instagram: cathyywrites
Story description: who ever thought a game could lead to love?

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Aww, I’m so sorry to hear people only focus on the negatives. That can seriously be such a downer sometimes and really discouraging.

I’m glad my notes will help you find the places where the errors are.

Adding a filter would definitely help more. It’s not a must, but I always find it’s helpful and plus it looks cool :grin:

Yeah, I agree you can’t get rid of the project because it drives the whole story! But swapping out the lockers and maybe you could make the teacher super lazy and that’s why he gives them such a laid back project? Just an idea.

I think it’s worth asking someone on forums or insta to make you the box overlay. It will add to the scene, and you won’t have to describe it either because you’ll actually have it.

I don’t mind Layton showing a soft side, but I just felt it was getting a bit too soft too frequently.

I’m glad you’re happy with the review I gave :blush: Hope it has helped

1 Like

Ooh I actually started reading this the other week. I’m up to episode 4 (I’m slow coz of these reviews lol), so if it’s alright with you I’ll do your review from there? And before I do get up to it, I remember there was a major zoom error at the beginning of episode 2, if I’m remembering correctly… Just check that episode and see. I think Herman pointed it out though on your other thread so you probably know

I am very happy with the review! Thank you so much x

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Thank you for the review…
Going to fix this zone miss placing…
And for your question Zara is 17 years old.:relaxed::relaxed:

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Yes, the zooms are fixed. Very grateful Herman brought them to my attention. I didn’t realize that zooms didn’t automatically reset between chapters. I thought it was just a preview glitch.

Thank you for giving my story a try and sticking with it despite that early error!

Also added sound and enhanced chapter one since then. Everything should be fabulous now!!

@fmr.episode - It’s a boy-girl thing
Hey, I remember seeing a thread about your cover! So this is cool I get to have a read now.

  • So immediately, I like what the title tells me. I love stories that comment on gender issues, whether it’s in a humorous way or a serious way, so I feel like I will like this.

  • I get a harry potter vibe from your large cover and in your opening scene, with the bang overlay and the mentioning of unicorns as if it’s a house name. So I’m going to guess this whole plot will be explained by some kind of spell, rather than the usual “fortune teller’s curse” I’ve seen so many other times.

  • Careful with looping animations - Paul was awkwardly talking while Jack was actually talking.

  • Oh, god. Stink bombs take me back to year 8 :disappointed_relieved:

  • Your spot placement is perfect so far.

  • Ok, so before I mentioned looping animations, but now I need to mention missing animations. A couple of lines of dialogue have no animations attached (mostly Jack’s lines). Trust me, it looks so much better to have every line animated.

  • Are Jack and Max related? The have the exact same features except the hairstyle.

  • When you do the iris transition in the dorm room as Lilly’s walking to the computer, it looks a bit strange because you had an iris transition for the scene change. Try another transition to mix it up. But otherwise, that’s a smart way to get it to look like she’s actually at the computer desk.

  • I think my Harry Potter theory was way off now…

  • I love that you remember choices and reference it so much!

  • Luna’s only said two lines, but I can already tell you’ve characterized her very well. She’s got the look to match the name, but you made her sort of timid by making her speechbubbles small. I really like that. Then that weird song makes her seem all vampy.

  • OMG Luna cursed them, right?! Calling it now.

  • Your directing in the scene with Lilly waking up is amazing!

  • You’ve probably read my other reviews about author notes by now. Yours was more so to inform readers of the house, so I won’t push to get rid of it or anything. I actually felt that was needed at the end too because I wanted to know if it was Harry Potter-ish or not. Side note: half way in episode 1, I started imaging the characters with English accents, so I guess because you made that reference to England, it is set in England?

  • That was relatively short, but content wise it covered enough, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

  • The walk box animation probably isn’t the best to convey being dragged somewhere. I’d suggest having Lilly (or technically Jack) move, but in an idle animation and faces left as Jack (technically Lilly) pushes her/him… Ok, I’m really confused now with the swap hahaha! Let me know if you need clarification on this.

  • I love their reactions to the situation. I think as a reader, I’m like duh! It’s obvious what’s happened to you both. But if it ever happened in real life, then of course I wouldn’t be all “duh”

  • Wait! You haven’t explain how they got dressed yet! You just skipped to them in their uniforms. I want to know what happened!!

  • I find the conversation about Jack breaking up that couple really funny. I think it’s because Lilly (or Jack technically) is acting so arrogant about it, but in a female body it just looks so funny.

  • I feel like the scene in the library after Lilly (Jack) gets changed would looked better if it was shot from close ups. That way, when other characters in the scene aren’t speaking, readers won’t notice they literally haven’t blinked in ages. Hahaha!

  • I’m not sure the name of the background, but the scene with the blue carpet… Jack starts off with his head almost touching the roof and then as they walk forward they don’t get taller. Scale them smaller at the beginning of the scene, so it looks like they’re walking forward.

  • Ooh nice. You put the school emblem in the blue carpet background. Nice attention to detail.

  • I find the same scaling issue with Mr Blasio when he goes to his office. While he’s unlocking the door, if you look at his feet, it looks like he’s too far away from the door. Scaling his smaller should fix this.

  • Also I’m surprised he believed them so quickly.

  • Nice idea to flip the desk! I can see a little bit of the background at the bottom, so just move it down a tiny bit.

  • I am worried that because they’ve figured it out so quickly that this will end up being short story and I was looking forward to this dragging out for 10+ episodes.

  • For the tummy growl, I’d suggest making the camera shake a little longer.

  • This might seem small, but I like that the pen drive has come back in to question. Makes me feel like it wasn’t just an excuse to have Carmen talk before, but like she actually needs her pen drive! Haha.

  • There was a minor typo when Lily is explaining to Jack about Mike. “Because you’re in my body right now”

  • I know I said I was worried this would be short because they already figured out how they switched, but I’ve changed my mind because I see a lot of potential drama brewing. These situations are just too funny. Like Lilly being jealous because Jack in her body gets to talk to Mike.

  • Wow, it actually looks like Mike is putting his arm around her (I might have to steal that idea from you one day). Very clever!

  • I love that you put a kid sitting in the front row when Mr O walks in. It’s so nice to see someone pay attention to details likes that.

  • Another little typo when Max is talking about watching the stars. He calls them starts.

  • Your biology class is so full! I’m jealous. No joke, I once gave up on an entire story because I couldn’t work out how to get people to stand in that classroom.

  • Dat milkshake spill overlay!!!

  • What the… What the what!! That flying scene. Amaaaaazing.

  • I think when you were trying to get Lily to go to the boys toilets, you were trying to make it look like Jack was pushing her, but because Jack (Lily’s body) was a layer in front, it didn’t look right. Just swap their layers and you’ll be fine.

So that was actually super funny. You had some seriously good ha-ha scenes and this story is definitely something I’d go for in the app. I’m not sure what was happening with the first scene and the animations, because the rest of your story was fine. And even though I said episode 1 was kind of short length wise, the rest felt a decent length and had a great amount of content.

I swear the zoom thing must have been an update because I never reset my zooms. I thought they’d just fix themselves at the beginning of each episode. It’s only something I’ve noticed in the past few months

1 Like

Ohhh thanks so much!! I’m glad you laugh!! So yeah, it’s like Hogwarts/british academy, since I’m intending to do more stories that take place in this academy. It is not a magical school, but weird things happen there :slight_smile: like swapping bodies hahaha.
The first episode was my first… I have gotten a little bit more experience as I write.
I guess you chose biology as your “good subject” then, otherwise it would have been the chemistry class hahaha (It’s so stupid, but it takes a lot of times just placing them! If you want I could give you the code, and you’ll only have to change the names :wink: )
The flying scene… yeah. As soon as I saw that new dance animation for the dirty dancing contest, it came to my mind, cause the character looks so ridiculously happy.
And don’t worry, It’d be long. Specially because every scene that comes into my mind gets longer and longer. (They haven’t even gone through their first day!) You’ll have to see what I have prepared for the date with Mike: Jack is going to appreciate what a girls goes through when they prepare for a date. And yes. It involves wax :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: He is sooo going to regret that he didn’t cancel.
Thank you for your feedback. I don’t have many reads, and no one has left comments so I didn’t know what nobody thought.
Thanks! Thanks for your observations, I’ll fix them. Although I still don’t know how to make them look like there’re pushing each other :roll_eyes: I’ll think of some other way.

@24aya - Choose?!!

First things first… Your story description is pretty vague. I have no idea what I’m in for. Maybe consider revamping that so your readers now a little bit about the story.

  • If you’re going to start with a mini montage of the MC’s background, it’s better to make her change clothes so it looks like this all happened on different days.

  • I think it’s a little off to choose the characters name, but not customize her… Was there a reason for this?

  • I noticed there’s a few times you switch between past and present tense, whilst in the same sentence. Maybe finding an editing partner or proof reader will help you combat those issues?

  • Careful with your background characters looking too “default”. It always adds to the story if you switch up their look to make them all unique.

  • When they get home, Gabe enters from the very bottom of the screen. It would look better if he comes from the side.

  • In terms of directing, I like how episode 2 starts off. Although I’m a little confused as to how I’m suddenly on a space ship.

  • I like the foreshadowing at the end of episode 2. I think this could be a great sci-fi story, if you refined it a bit more. Episode 2 and 3 seem to be focusing on this space ship deal and what to do with the team, but if you were to go off of episode 1, you’d have no idea that’s what this story would be about.

  • I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but your character’s spot placement is excellent. They always look like the right height.

  • At the end, Gabe is calling out PETNAME instead of what my actual pet name is.

  • Oh, it was a dream? Damn…

  • Change the builder’s display name so your readers don’t see their numbers.

  • Oh it wasn’t a dream…? Wow, I actually like that. It’s sort of like they were testing MC to see if she would do the right thing or not. I wonder what would have happened if I took them to jail with me.

  • Goto End showed up as dialogue. You probably have it written wrong in your script…
    Make sure you have it like:
    goto end
    And then you have this before the ending…
    label end

  • I’ll let you know as well, that I didn’t read the other ending because I like the one I got and it’s the one I chose, so I thought I should live with it. But it’s great that you give others the option.

Basically, what I think of your story as a whole is that it’s a skeleton. I see you actually have a unique idea, and you’ve got choices that matters and overall this could actually teach some morals. But there needs to be a stronger focus on this from the start. Episode 1 didn’t feel like it connected to episode 2 and 3 all that much. And I would love to see stronger character development as well. As I mentioned above, there’s a few spelling and punctuation errors… I mentioned considering an editor for this and if you want to take my advice there, maybe you could also find an editor that can help fill the gaps I’ve been pointing out? Someone to put some meat on that skeleton? Because I think this has a lot of potential :slightly_smiling_face:

Well, you can always go back and edit your first episode. Not many people will have to re-read the episode because there’ll be up to episode 5.

OMG I would love that template! (PM me?) I still have the story in my drafts, but working on others more so Idk when I’ll actually return to it, but I still want to get there eventually.

Oh my, I didn’t even register it was an animation. I thought the flying was an overlay of some kind!

Yeah, at one point I realized I was still on day 1, so I do have hope and I can only imagine some of the drama you’ll come up with. I do hope you get more reads soon. It takes time, but I’ve added it to my recommendations shelf, hopefully that will give some readers a little push xx

WOW! Thanks for adding it into your recommendations!! It means a LOT!!! I’ll PM you :slight_smile:
Maybe there is a more elegant way to place them hahaha, but I’ll send you what I have. Thanks a lot!

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@Alex_Af - Fantasitcal: Black Shadow

So this is kind of cool… You’re my first return customer :heart_eyes: I’ve been very intrigued as to what you’ve done this time, seeing as you’re saying all backgrounds are custom and you’ve got the whole trailer… Anyway, let’s get to it.

  • Wow, what a strong opening. It gives me a dark themed vibe. I already knew this would be about pirates from the description, but your splashes really stick with the theme.

  • I think you’ve skipped a word in one of the narration bubbles ("I did make great friends, fall in love and become one of the sea legends.

  • I’m not a fan of having the narration bubble written in first person, but not having MC’s name above the bubble… but as I’m writing this I realize I don’t even know MC’s name, so maybe you’re actually on to something…

  • I love that your BG characters look from a different time, because pirates are generally from centuries ago, so that’s good consistency.

  • Ohhh, I was write about the name thing. But I would have liked you to add the name to the narration bubble once reader enters a name.

  • This was a really great way to introduce CC.

  • Very nice making the boat bob up and down. To make the characters work with it as well must have taken a lot of effort.

  • OMG you have done a lot with your overlays! I can’t even!!! How did you even come up with these ideas? The shadows of the towns people with the torches! Just wow.

  • Yes yes yes to that flying eagle. That was the one thing I wanted to see from the trailer.

  • That canon scene?! @AMBEROSE is talk_confused_mindblown

  • This is crazy good how much you’ve managed in such a short time. I know I’m reviewing this story and I’m only half way in ep1, but I have to say this is such a big improvement from FATE.

  • You’ve really paid attention to details in this story, especially with your overlays. The eyes of the skull and the skull’s mouth in particular I notice.

  • The scenes with the ship and moon remind me so much of Peter Pan.

  • I knew there was something up with their skin tones!

  • I like that most of Duncan’s team, don’t have display names. It gives them a ghosty vibe.

  • Ok, so be careful with making the Duncan romance thing feel forced… I feel like when another character asks if you like someone, it’s sort of like “Oh, now I’m supposed to want this?” And I know this because I did the very same thing in my own story! I’m no good with romance, so I can’t offer tips. But making a character you’re supposed to hate as the love interest is quite tricky. And I’d say that talking him out of killing you and then watching him stare at his hands isn’t quite enough to make you start liking someone… even as a friend!

  • I agree that yes, after learning his story, you would be intrigued, but not enough to LIKE LIKE him.

  • Nice making that choice to hear the captain out matter. I wonder how hard it would have been to get the answer had I not listened.

  • This trust choice is a major turning point. I just know this will effect my ending.
    *Ohhhhhhhh I get it! (I’m talking about the riddle) At first I was like wtf it’s still gibberish to me, but after making the mistake, I get it now.

  • Low key have a feeling Duncan’s going to turn on me. We’ll probably find treasure and the idiot will take it for himself and I’ll be hung.

  • Wait, I was wrong! I don’t understand this riddle OMG :unamused:

  • Ok, I get it now.

  • This story sort of reminds me of the featured story Confessions of a Teenage Detective (I think that’s what it was called), you have a totally different plot, but I don’t know, there’s just some kind of comparison I’m drawing here that I can’t quite put my finger on.

  • The spears! :hushed:

  • I knew that sly dog would leave me behind!

  • Your episodes are quite long actually!

  • Again, with the Duncan relationship, to hear MC be like “after everything we’ve been through” is me feeling like it’s a bit forced. Seriously, he tries to kill me, I stared at him staring at his hands, then I literally killed him several times trying to get to the treasure… Home girl’s overreacting and should have seen this one coming, just like I did :grin:

  • A little typo when the priest is telling his story. It should be “the king’s closest adviser”, but other than that… DUN DUN DUN! Plot twist!

  • This is almost (key word: almost) more interesting than the actual story. It’s like some kind of juicy ancient royal gossip.

  • There is one line where Jeronim is talking in the flashback, and you’ve got a double up on capital letters… ALese It’s where she’s already preggers if that helps you find it.

  • Damn, she lost her baby weight pretty quick.

  • Ok, so now his motive has been made clear. Nice work… Although the child being blamed for mother’s death thing is a bit of a cliche, but you’ve executed it well so I’m not going to worry about that.

  • I like the fade in of the Dad coming back to give inspiration.

  • I don’t like Duncan coming back in with his ship, but yet I also do like that he came back…? I like it because it’s all coming full circle and you know, happy ending and all, but don’t like it because it’s predictable and it would have been more funny to watch MC get robbed and backstabbed all because she fell in love with him.

  • So confused at Duncan coming in and then leaving again… But I’m guessing that’s because I wasn’t pursuing him every time I was given a romantic choice?

  • Hold up just a minute… Do not tell me that is the end…

  • I’m sure you know how I feel about author notes by now. I understand it can be there so you can give credits, but like… ugh. I just hate that type of breaking the fourth wall and having not only the story end, but the illusion of the story end too.

So overall, really great directing. I can’t stress that enough. You did some pretty amazing things this time around. The relationship between Duncan and MC, I feel, could use some a bit more work. And the ending? Well, I really don’t know if you count that as an ending. I feel like you’ll continue it since you haven’t marked it as complete, so I guess I’ll leave my review open ended on that matter too?

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