@JackAttack95 - Razors
Whoever told you that is so sweet, probably wrong, but sweet. Also I have guesses as to who that person was haha.
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Is it weird that when I searched it on the app, the sequel came before the first season? lol
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Ah, god dman, author notes! My biggest hate…“but enough of my fourth wall interruption” - yeah, lol!!! Honestly, I’d say to cut that whole thing out. It’s mean, but saying it’s your first story is a major turn off to some readers. If anything, put it at the end so people are surprised by it.
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I’m a little confused at the beginning because of that girl that pops up…
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Did Isaac just refer to himself as an agent? Interesting…
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I’m not sure if you’re using “…” while he’s listening on the phone because it’s spotlight, but if that’s the case, I just want to let you know that if you use the basic @CHARACTER is animation they will still show up on the screen, you don’t need dialogue.
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“Isaac looks at the low level night life and realizes its Friday night” - should be “it’s” - needs an apostrophe.
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“You finally let whatever force thats taking you up” - “that’s” - again, you just need the apostrophe.
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I love the amount of choices you’ve got now that we’re at this foreign land - they feel important too.
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You missed another apostrophe but I tapped too fast before I could type it down. It was something like “its… Well…” and you need the apostrophe for “it’s”
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Personally, I would have liked to have seen the creature we killed. Either in the form of an overlay or an art scene. Since you’ve chosen spotlight, there’s actually a lot of things you could do to get creative in this area.
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“With my luck its LV-426” - it’s.
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Also, I’m sorry if I missed it, but was Isaac’s job explained in episode 1? Other than seeing the word agent, I can’t remember seeing anything else about that, but the way he talks about this planet makes me think he’s living in the future so probably has a future type of job?
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I’ve noticed you switch between second and third person a bit. Kinda makes me question am I playing as Isaac or is Isaac me?
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Isaac thinks this and I have no idea what it means… “Now being getting out of this room and dealing with the person who took you.”
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Matt looks exactly like one of the stock characters and it kind of bugs me.
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Well, I found the conversation between the humans moved a bit fast. I’m not sure if I was on an alien planet that is be able to converse like that… But I thought it was a great use of choices that we got to decide where we’re from and what we do.
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I’ve noticed for episode 3, every character is spotted at screen right. It suits the running scenes, but when there’s characters talking, you should have at least one on the left (or center)
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Tenshi says “I’m ok wit it” - missing the h for with?
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You say in narration that Touma is holding a gun at me (this is early episode 4), but you didn’t use any gun holiding animations to show that, which I thought was strange.
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Omg I feel like I just got so much information in that scene and now so many beginning things make sense. I think your timing to reveal Isaac’s past was good, but it did make if confusing in episode 1 by holding that information back.
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I get the feeling something bad is about to happen to Touma. I’m worried for him going out alone.
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Aw Tenshi and Isaac are kinda cute together. I was sensing a little tension between them and I picked up on Tenshi’s flirting, but I wasn’t expecting them to be open about it just yet.
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Episode 5 is wow. I feel like this is what I needed when I was confused in episode one. How did you come up with this backstory? I feel like I could read a whole episode story based on his life on Earth.
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One thing with the backstory though is this part in the club where Isaac is describing dunking this guy’s head in the sink, but with the dancefloor background it’s a little hard to picture.
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Isaac says “You havn’t seen brutality like I have” - missing the ‘e’ in ‘haven’t’
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I just want to applaud you for how you addressed Yalena’s past because so many people mis-portray topics like that but I thought you did a great job. Sensitive, but informative and you didn’t need to go into too much detail for me to know what you meant.
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Ooh, I’m kinda surprised this backstory goes across two episodes. I suppose it is quite long though.
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Birdy is one of the stock characters and it bugs me to no end.
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Weird thought, but was “WOMAN” made with the randomizer in your script? Her lips don’t suit her skin tone, that’s why I ask (and also default outfit).
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Just a suggestion, maybe ask if the reader needs a recap? Some of yours are pretty long and since I’ve been binge reading this, I don’t need the recap’s each time.
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I love how they’re all giving Matt shit
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Omg omg omg. I thought introducing Miranda was your way to set up season 2 and I thought she was going to be a second love interest… I was wrong. You really killed her
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OMG! What is happening? Matt? Plot twist! I didn’t see that coming!
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Tenshi says, “No. Were not going to Elysium…” - “Were” needs the apostrophe: we’re.
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Wow, that ending.
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Ah, you have a fade out transition and then Tenshi shows up on the screen once more, then it goes black and says “to be continued”.
Alright, so what I think you have is basically a skeleton of an epic adventure story. Towards the end, I was very invested in the characters and their stories - they’re so diverse and they feel real - but that was hard to come by in the first few episodes.
In addition to that, there’s a few things I’d encourage you to change in terms of directing (a couple of these I didn’t mention above because I already knew I’d save it for the end)…
Transitions - there wasn’t actually too many times you used transitions in between scenes and I think sometimes it’s really important to have a simple fade out to break up the scenes.
Default positions - It felt like every character was placed at screen right and facing left. A misconception with spotlight is that because they have a default position, you don’t have to spot them, but I’m telling you that you can and should because it makes a huge difference.
Looping backgrounds - small thing, but it kind of bothered me to have characters “talking” in front of a looping background, but then “run” in front of one that wasn’t looping.
Narration - I know spotlight is a little more limited, so you have to narrate a lot of things, but like I mentioned with the club scene, change the backgrounds, use overlays of props to assist your narration. A lot of people read episode for the visuals, so it’s important to give them something to look at frequently.
I really think the plot has a lot of potential, but unfortunately because so many people overlook spotlight, you’re going to have to step up the directing to get it noticed. Trust me when I say, spotlight is not as limited as most people might think it is, so I’m sure you can do this.
Side note: was it just me or did the choices kind of just… stop? I tend to not realize there’s been no choices until the end and since it was something I praised you for at the beginning, I’m just wondering what happened 