@JackAttack95 - Rasors: War and Peace
Whoops, I am a liar! Here we are four days later, anyway…
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Your story starts with “The End” and I was like huh?
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The bodies “pop” in after the scene. I’m not sure if that’s what you wanted with the first lot, as a way to kinda play a trick on the readers, but when you pan to zone 2, it would look better if they were already there. An example of the way I do this is:
&BODY1 spot XYZ in zone 2 AND BODY1 faces left AND BODY1 is animation
&BODY2 spot XYZ in zone 2 AND BODY2 faces right AND BODY2 is animation
@pan to zone 2 -
Nice job with the LL version of Isaac.
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“Were not tools of war… Were tools of…” - did you mean “we’re” as in we are?
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I briefly mentioned the ellipsis thing with season 1… If you want a character to do an animation you can do: @CHARACTER is animation, they don’t need to speak any line of dialogue. If you want them to do it for a few seconds, you can add @pause for 3 for example, on the line underneath.
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Both Bandit’s have default looking faces and it’s such a pet peeve of mine. Please just change a couple of features around.
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Tenshi looks great in LL too!
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Yelena does not look how I expected her too - it’s really fascinating to see your interpretations
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So the backstory bit between Yelena and Donovan felt a bit rushed, and I think it’s because you only had the black background to go off of - now that you’re using cinematic, there’s a lot more you can do to show actions instead of just narrating while someone’s on screen. I can totally picture a flashback montage, using white fade transitions and maybe even a sepia filter too - it would look epic.
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Wait, no! Even better suggestion for the flashback - FADE your CHARACTERS in and out. This would be kind of advanced, and since your just starting out with LL and cinematic, it might be a huge thing to learn, but now that you’re not limited, you could totally pull this off - PLUS it would give someone who’s read season 1 something extra, since they already know the whole story.
Anyway, if you want to consider it, here’s a quick guide on how to do it. -
Sorry, still kinda on that same point from above but the fade technique would also look amazing for Yelena! (If this is something you want to do but really don’t understand how to do what I’m saying lmk, I can help you out over a pm than I can here)
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“Hope this city has a bed or something. Because I’m strapping you down and riding like theres no tomorrow.” - Ok, first of all: LOL
… Second, “theres” needs an apostrophe: there’s. Third: not a major deal, but consider putting the second half on a new line so it comes up as a seperate speech bubble, since it’s kinda long. -
OMG Queensland? Did you make this up or are you… a fellow Aussie?
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“Were from Queensland.” - should be “we’re”
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When Tenshi does the abridged version of her backstory, she uses the same angry animations, which can get tedious since she has about 10 lines.
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@CosmicIvy (I see what you did there)
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“Were one of the only communities that does the…” - should be “we’re”
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Look, idk if the Queensland thing was intentional but totally makes sense that Elysium would be around there. First they get all the good theme parks, then they have affordable living and now in a fictional story they have Elysium and Eden. Such a Queensland thing to do
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Episode 2 - the zooms are way off. I am guessing you didn’t reset the zooms at the beginning of episode 2 so they are still remembering the last zoom percentage you used in episode 1.
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“Hate being the un-nerdy third wheel here” - Tenshi is MEEEEEE! I was totally not understanding any of that “nerd” talk which is how I felt in high school when all my friends picked science subjects while I did drama lol
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The way you explained how this planet was found and tied it in to the Cold War was good - it makes it feel real and possible.
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So now that you’re using cinematic too, just be aware of what characters who aren’t speaking are doing on screen. I always try to have my characters doing some kind of animation so they don’t look stuck or frozen in a pose, or I zoom close up on the character speaking so the readers can’t see the ones who aren’t.
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Party scene - same as I mentioned before. Place your characters before panning.
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When Ivy’s asking if they’re having fun, maybe you could add a scene of the crowd?
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OMG - I was the same as Isaac. I thought the threesome was a joke, then I was like, wait, are you actually going to go there? Hahahahahaha
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The next day, Isaac all of a sudden pops in.
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Donovan?!
*Beginning of episode 3 - place all your characters in the scene before you fade in.
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In the jail scene, you might want to spot direct Isaac’s thought bubbles because they move around a lot
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Not sure if Ivy and Isaac are supposed to not be looking at each other while they talk about Yelena, but it looks kind of weird after 3 or so lines, so I’d have them turn around at some point.
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It’s a little awkward when Tenshi goes in for the hug and Isaac just stands there. lol.
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When Selina and Katya hug, it would look more realistic if one of them does a hug rear animation.
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Katya’s backstory confused me a bit, but I understood it more when Selina talked again. I think I would have wanted more for that flashback, the black background just doesn’t really do it justice.
So, to summarise, I still think you have such a great plot, but for season 2, you need to get out of the “spotlight” mindset. Try using less narration and more animations - go the extra mile do depict what’s happening in the scene. Also, now that it’s in cinematic, make sure to place all your characters at the start of each scene and to keep the ones who aren’t talking animated.