@Ams007 - Trouble and Lies
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Very rare for me to comment on a story description, but I feel like I need to in your case because there’s a few issues with the sentence structure and also the vaguey-ness of the description irritates me (I can give you some alternatives once I’m finished reading).
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Gah, your author note kills me. I don’t think it’s necessary to explain you changed your car overlay to one without a wheel, nor is it necessary to say any of the stuff you said after that. Honestly, unless you have heaps of readers, one change is not going to make a difference. I had 1000 reads on one story and then completely altered the first episode and no one said anything. So rather than worrying about the hundred odd people who saw a different overlay, just focus on the whole outlook of the story and don’t ruin it with an author note (pleeaaaaase I beg you)
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Your first line is a little lengthy for my taste and it was also a little hard to distinguish it from the author’s note since it was the same narrator bubble.
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In this first scene, you don’t use the right grammar and punctuation which can make it kind of tedious for a reader since it can sound like one really long sentence kinda like what I’m doing now with this point to show you as an example. With episode, I’d recommend to make each sentence on a new line, so it breaks up the speech a bit more.
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Uhh, the way you added that Rose suffers from depression and anxiety felt a bit… awkwardly mentioned I guess. I know it can be hard with intros to give the reader enough information without doing “info dumps” but not only is it possible, but it gives the whole story a much better vibe. If you could find another way to show your readers Rose’s life, without just listing it all, it would be worth changing it.
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Ahish?? Nooooooo. I hate seeing the default characters in stories. All it takes is a few changes to their hair and outfits to make them look like an entirely different person. Trust me when I say it’s worth the effort.
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Wait, so did Rose actually shoplift?
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Why is she running away? Even if she did shoplift, she doesn’t have to pack up everything and run! …Unless she’s just a drama queen and that’s her character?
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So Kristoff is in a default outfit and so is Rose… Just wondering did you make it on mobile creator? Because if so, this is the smoothest directing I’ve ever seen on mobile lol
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So she didn’t steal anything but she’s still running? I don’t quite understand why. In most cases of shoplifting, nothing can be done even if you catch the person doing it.
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Honestly, I am so confused… If she didn’t steal anything this is such an extreme reaction and I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to tell her brother because if she didn’t steal anything, it shouldn’t be a problem.
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I’m also a little confused if Arthur is actually being serious when he’s saying he won’t talk to her or if it’s just a brotherly/sisterly fight they’re having. Lol.
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Now in episode 2, I’m confused at why Rose is confused… I thought she was running away because she thought the police were coming after her … and now that they had she’s freaking out?
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Oh wait, is there more to this? Arthur’s acting a bit shady.
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Gah, I’m still confused. I feel like that whole fight just seemed a bit unrealistic and now Rose seems to have forgotten that she was afraid about being accused of theft.
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When Kristoff is texting, instead of saying “*laughs *”, maybe you should say “lol” or “hahahaha” since that’s what most people do when texting.
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After Rose gets drunk and she’s talking to the boys, you might need to spot direct your speech bubble because it wasn’t pointing to Alden when he was taking.
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Nice use of text effects. Maybe you could also do it for when Alden is whispering? Like using italics maybe?
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Omg what is Alden talking about? You’ve got me intrigued, they all seem to know something Rose doesn’t.
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Ok, I’m really suspicious because they all seemed to think Rose didn’t know Alden but seems to me like he knows a lot about her. Sorry to bring in the cliches, but I’m guessing either gangers, warewolves or vampires.
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When Rose wakes up and falls, she needs to be back a layer.
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Idk why you need the choice at the beginning of episode 1 since Rose was still in her PJs from the night before.
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There was a couple of awkward pauses. One was during the hug and the other was just before the police show up.
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Four police for shoplifting? Geez! Surely there’s more to this.
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Idk why, but I kind of expecting Alden to be driving.
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The text messages look awesome. It’s a shame you can’t spot direct them (I swear I could though at one point, so maybe the code changed? Either way, they make it possible so you can adjust it)
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When they wake up the next day the change layers… And it makes it look like Alden’s head is inbetween Rose’s legs lol
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Yayyyyy, Alden agrees with me that this is a weird response to suspected shoplifting.
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I like your boxing bag background.
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I’m not sure about the scene with the doctor. It’s not the most realistic medical advice but I also feel like the place they’re in didn’t seem like a place that would have a doctor on standby.
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I like the overlays you’ve added for the hospital, but don’t forget to use your zooms too. The scene is quite long, so you should try and use different angles to keep it moving
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I’m thinking gangs now, because everyone keeps calling Alden boss.
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Also just be careful with repeating the same animations. It felt like Alden and Doc were doing the same animation each time they spoke for a while.
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Oh, I forgot to write this down before, but you might want to change some characters display names. COP1, COP 2, for example… It just feels a little weird to have numbers as part of their display names.
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AHISH?! NO! I’m genuinely shocked, that was a plot twist to me!
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There was a small error with the overlay at the doctor’s room the next day where it wasn’t scaled the right size for one second and then jumped to place
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Wtf?? They let someone who just got out of a coma, who also lost their memory and who is also in danger “get some air”? Idiots, she could run away. I sure as hell wouldn’t return if I woke up to two blokes telling me they couldn’t give me a proper explanation.
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That moment when Rose is still wearing PJs at the bar.
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Ahhh! Richard! What a creep!
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Well… It’s a little unfair for Rose to think no one cares about her because they havent found her… Like, she is kidnapped so she has to understand it’s not exactly simple.
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Days pass? I’m guessing Richard just refused to tell them where she was? Maybe you should add a scene about that because I’m automatically thinking why didn’t they just force Richard to tell them?
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Wait, where did Rose’s new outfit come from? (Btw, she popped into the scene a second after the background was there. Make sure you place her with the “&” symbol instead of “@” to avoid this)
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“atleast” is two separate words: at least
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Wait, maybe it’s not a gang… I mean, with my experiences with gangs… there’s never been any kind of age requirement… That’s making me go back to thinking it’s werewolves… A werewolf gang? Is that a thing? Alden is the alpha?
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Don?
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Your hair CC template is a bit all over the shop, I’d recommend checking your labels. It covers Rose’s face to start with because there’s no pages, but then after I clicked an option, there were pages added, so I have no idea what happened.
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Eric and his default clothes… This is lowkey one of my biggest peeves. Do you not like making outfits? For me that’s one of my fav parts.
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I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I’m finding the length of your episodes on point.
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Loved the names of the sporty outfits, lol. And the hair template was fine in this episode too.
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I’m getting really confused again. I was liking the element of mystery for a while, but now that I think about the big picture… rose ran away because she was accused of shop lifting, then Alden took her some place… Then she got sick and got amnesia, then she was kidnapped, now we’re off to training/shooting and school? It just feels like there’s a lot of loose ends. Here’s hoping you’re able to tie them all in.
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You can probably delete your notes at the end of episodes talking about not knowing when the next episode is out. If you’re worried about people being forced to re-read, you can do what I do and wait a few weeks before changing it so your readers have had a chance to move to the next episode.
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What was the point of the author note in episode 7?
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I noticed you started to put the word “whispers” in bold… I still think text effects would be better used on what you want them to appear to be whispering.
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Wait, she loves Eric? Where did that come from? She barely knows him.
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Oh, I’m glad you explained why it’s the same doctor. It makes me happy Rose is aware of these things.
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Omg, that kiss with Alden?!
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Oh, nice outro splashes I see you’ve added. Were you going to add them to your earlier episodes too? (Side note: you forgot the ‘p’ in hope.)
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Eric also loves her? Ok… Maybe it’s because I still don’t know if they’re in a werewolf gang or not, but I don’t understand why thy’re over-complicating things and not being together if they both mutually love each other.
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Honestly, all these episode that contain school feel like it’s a different story. What ever happened to the shop lifting saga?
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WTF! Alden is obviously hiding something major from Rose, but he wants her to talk? Double standards.
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Claps for Rose for pointing out that she still hasn’t been told anything!! Woop woop!
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Where’s the waitress?
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There was a small delay when you changed the table… I also noticed the reserved sign disappeared lol. Maybe if you added the waitress to the scene, it would look like she took it when she brought the food out?
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I don’t even know why Rose is thanking him… Alden still hasn’t told her anything!
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Your spot directing on the beach was great.
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I loved your end of chapter overlay!
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Your spotting at the party was great but there was so many default looking background characters
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When Aggie walks over to Rose, her layers don’t change and her scaling also looks a bit off. Try making her the same size as Rose.
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Oooh nice zoom on Alden. It was cool how you made Rose move too.
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You know what, I’ve been paying attention to your dates and noticed there’s been big gaps between your updates (which is fine, you shouldn’t have to say sorry for that, btw), but it feels like each time you come back, you’ve learnt how to do more advanced directing, like with the use of zooms, spot placing and overlays. I imagine if you went back to episodes 1-5 now, you could easily apply some of the things you know now to give it a better feel.
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Oh, there’s that random dress again haha… Wait, is she kidnapped again.
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The kiss dip rear animation was so good in the hospital scene.
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Oooh, same doc!
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Well, this flashback took a dark turn… I think the dad is scaled way too big, btw. He makes his kids look like toddlers.
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Change BGWOMAN6’s display name to something else… It will make it look more professional.
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Dun dun dunnnnnnnn the mafia. The big reveal. There are no werewolves. I was wrong. Hahahaha
Righto so… As I mentioned, it definitely feels like you were improving a lot each time you had a bit of a break. I think there are certain areas of your story that could do with a “face lift” that you probably have enough experience now to add in. Things like:
- giving the background characters unique appearances and outfits
- breaking down the characters conversations so that they aren’t speaking paragraphs and paragraphs at a time. Try having each sentence on a new line.
- adding in zooms to your first few episodes.
I also worried that with each break you had, your story took on a new focus, so the consistency of the plot felt a bit odd at times. You may want to do a bit more planning, and revisit earlier episodes to see if there’s still unanswered questions you need to address before season 1 ends or if there’s scenes that you now feel are pointless… (On that note, I’d also urge you to cut out some of your author notes, as it felt like there was only a few that were giving important information)
Also I just need to point out that there were a lot of grammar and punctuation errors. It didn’t make the story unreadable, as I knew what you were meaning to say most of the time, but you might want to get a proof-reader, or someone to edit your story for you as that’s something that can deter readers.
I still think your episode length was fine, so really no need to apologise and now that I’m at the end, can I just check that… there were no choices other than outfit ones? Choices are definitely something I’d recommend you add in. They don’t have to change the plot if you don’t want them too, but it’s a good way to make readers feel invested, so keep that in mind