Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

I swear the zoom thing must have been an update because I never reset my zooms. I thought they’d just fix themselves at the beginning of each episode. It’s only something I’ve noticed in the past few months

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Ohhh thanks so much!! I’m glad you laugh!! So yeah, it’s like Hogwarts/british academy, since I’m intending to do more stories that take place in this academy. It is not a magical school, but weird things happen there :slight_smile: like swapping bodies hahaha.
The first episode was my first… I have gotten a little bit more experience as I write.
I guess you chose biology as your “good subject” then, otherwise it would have been the chemistry class hahaha (It’s so stupid, but it takes a lot of times just placing them! If you want I could give you the code, and you’ll only have to change the names :wink: )
The flying scene… yeah. As soon as I saw that new dance animation for the dirty dancing contest, it came to my mind, cause the character looks so ridiculously happy.
And don’t worry, It’d be long. Specially because every scene that comes into my mind gets longer and longer. (They haven’t even gone through their first day!) You’ll have to see what I have prepared for the date with Mike: Jack is going to appreciate what a girls goes through when they prepare for a date. And yes. It involves wax :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: He is sooo going to regret that he didn’t cancel.
Thank you for your feedback. I don’t have many reads, and no one has left comments so I didn’t know what nobody thought.
Thanks! Thanks for your observations, I’ll fix them. Although I still don’t know how to make them look like there’re pushing each other :roll_eyes: I’ll think of some other way.

@24aya - Choose?!!

First things first… Your story description is pretty vague. I have no idea what I’m in for. Maybe consider revamping that so your readers now a little bit about the story.

  • If you’re going to start with a mini montage of the MC’s background, it’s better to make her change clothes so it looks like this all happened on different days.

  • I think it’s a little off to choose the characters name, but not customize her… Was there a reason for this?

  • I noticed there’s a few times you switch between past and present tense, whilst in the same sentence. Maybe finding an editing partner or proof reader will help you combat those issues?

  • Careful with your background characters looking too “default”. It always adds to the story if you switch up their look to make them all unique.

  • When they get home, Gabe enters from the very bottom of the screen. It would look better if he comes from the side.

  • In terms of directing, I like how episode 2 starts off. Although I’m a little confused as to how I’m suddenly on a space ship.

  • I like the foreshadowing at the end of episode 2. I think this could be a great sci-fi story, if you refined it a bit more. Episode 2 and 3 seem to be focusing on this space ship deal and what to do with the team, but if you were to go off of episode 1, you’d have no idea that’s what this story would be about.

  • I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but your character’s spot placement is excellent. They always look like the right height.

  • At the end, Gabe is calling out PETNAME instead of what my actual pet name is.

  • Oh, it was a dream? Damn…

  • Change the builder’s display name so your readers don’t see their numbers.

  • Oh it wasn’t a dream…? Wow, I actually like that. It’s sort of like they were testing MC to see if she would do the right thing or not. I wonder what would have happened if I took them to jail with me.

  • Goto End showed up as dialogue. You probably have it written wrong in your script…
    Make sure you have it like:
    goto end
    And then you have this before the ending…
    label end

  • I’ll let you know as well, that I didn’t read the other ending because I like the one I got and it’s the one I chose, so I thought I should live with it. But it’s great that you give others the option.

Basically, what I think of your story as a whole is that it’s a skeleton. I see you actually have a unique idea, and you’ve got choices that matters and overall this could actually teach some morals. But there needs to be a stronger focus on this from the start. Episode 1 didn’t feel like it connected to episode 2 and 3 all that much. And I would love to see stronger character development as well. As I mentioned above, there’s a few spelling and punctuation errors… I mentioned considering an editor for this and if you want to take my advice there, maybe you could also find an editor that can help fill the gaps I’ve been pointing out? Someone to put some meat on that skeleton? Because I think this has a lot of potential :slightly_smiling_face:

Well, you can always go back and edit your first episode. Not many people will have to re-read the episode because there’ll be up to episode 5.

OMG I would love that template! (PM me?) I still have the story in my drafts, but working on others more so Idk when I’ll actually return to it, but I still want to get there eventually.

Oh my, I didn’t even register it was an animation. I thought the flying was an overlay of some kind!

Yeah, at one point I realized I was still on day 1, so I do have hope and I can only imagine some of the drama you’ll come up with. I do hope you get more reads soon. It takes time, but I’ve added it to my recommendations shelf, hopefully that will give some readers a little push xx

WOW! Thanks for adding it into your recommendations!! It means a LOT!!! I’ll PM you :slight_smile:
Maybe there is a more elegant way to place them hahaha, but I’ll send you what I have. Thanks a lot!

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@Alex_Af - Fantasitcal: Black Shadow

So this is kind of cool… You’re my first return customer :heart_eyes: I’ve been very intrigued as to what you’ve done this time, seeing as you’re saying all backgrounds are custom and you’ve got the whole trailer… Anyway, let’s get to it.

  • Wow, what a strong opening. It gives me a dark themed vibe. I already knew this would be about pirates from the description, but your splashes really stick with the theme.

  • I think you’ve skipped a word in one of the narration bubbles ("I did make great friends, fall in love and become one of the sea legends.

  • I’m not a fan of having the narration bubble written in first person, but not having MC’s name above the bubble… but as I’m writing this I realize I don’t even know MC’s name, so maybe you’re actually on to something…

  • I love that your BG characters look from a different time, because pirates are generally from centuries ago, so that’s good consistency.

  • Ohhh, I was write about the name thing. But I would have liked you to add the name to the narration bubble once reader enters a name.

  • This was a really great way to introduce CC.

  • Very nice making the boat bob up and down. To make the characters work with it as well must have taken a lot of effort.

  • OMG you have done a lot with your overlays! I can’t even!!! How did you even come up with these ideas? The shadows of the towns people with the torches! Just wow.

  • Yes yes yes to that flying eagle. That was the one thing I wanted to see from the trailer.

  • That canon scene?! @AMBEROSE is talk_confused_mindblown

  • This is crazy good how much you’ve managed in such a short time. I know I’m reviewing this story and I’m only half way in ep1, but I have to say this is such a big improvement from FATE.

  • You’ve really paid attention to details in this story, especially with your overlays. The eyes of the skull and the skull’s mouth in particular I notice.

  • The scenes with the ship and moon remind me so much of Peter Pan.

  • I knew there was something up with their skin tones!

  • I like that most of Duncan’s team, don’t have display names. It gives them a ghosty vibe.

  • Ok, so be careful with making the Duncan romance thing feel forced… I feel like when another character asks if you like someone, it’s sort of like “Oh, now I’m supposed to want this?” And I know this because I did the very same thing in my own story! I’m no good with romance, so I can’t offer tips. But making a character you’re supposed to hate as the love interest is quite tricky. And I’d say that talking him out of killing you and then watching him stare at his hands isn’t quite enough to make you start liking someone… even as a friend!

  • I agree that yes, after learning his story, you would be intrigued, but not enough to LIKE LIKE him.

  • Nice making that choice to hear the captain out matter. I wonder how hard it would have been to get the answer had I not listened.

  • This trust choice is a major turning point. I just know this will effect my ending.
    *Ohhhhhhhh I get it! (I’m talking about the riddle) At first I was like wtf it’s still gibberish to me, but after making the mistake, I get it now.

  • Low key have a feeling Duncan’s going to turn on me. We’ll probably find treasure and the idiot will take it for himself and I’ll be hung.

  • Wait, I was wrong! I don’t understand this riddle OMG :unamused:

  • Ok, I get it now.

  • This story sort of reminds me of the featured story Confessions of a Teenage Detective (I think that’s what it was called), you have a totally different plot, but I don’t know, there’s just some kind of comparison I’m drawing here that I can’t quite put my finger on.

  • The spears! :hushed:

  • I knew that sly dog would leave me behind!

  • Your episodes are quite long actually!

  • Again, with the Duncan relationship, to hear MC be like “after everything we’ve been through” is me feeling like it’s a bit forced. Seriously, he tries to kill me, I stared at him staring at his hands, then I literally killed him several times trying to get to the treasure… Home girl’s overreacting and should have seen this one coming, just like I did :grin:

  • A little typo when the priest is telling his story. It should be “the king’s closest adviser”, but other than that… DUN DUN DUN! Plot twist!

  • This is almost (key word: almost) more interesting than the actual story. It’s like some kind of juicy ancient royal gossip.

  • There is one line where Jeronim is talking in the flashback, and you’ve got a double up on capital letters… ALese It’s where she’s already preggers if that helps you find it.

  • Damn, she lost her baby weight pretty quick.

  • Ok, so now his motive has been made clear. Nice work… Although the child being blamed for mother’s death thing is a bit of a cliche, but you’ve executed it well so I’m not going to worry about that.

  • I like the fade in of the Dad coming back to give inspiration.

  • I don’t like Duncan coming back in with his ship, but yet I also do like that he came back…? I like it because it’s all coming full circle and you know, happy ending and all, but don’t like it because it’s predictable and it would have been more funny to watch MC get robbed and backstabbed all because she fell in love with him.

  • So confused at Duncan coming in and then leaving again… But I’m guessing that’s because I wasn’t pursuing him every time I was given a romantic choice?

  • Hold up just a minute… Do not tell me that is the end…

  • I’m sure you know how I feel about author notes by now. I understand it can be there so you can give credits, but like… ugh. I just hate that type of breaking the fourth wall and having not only the story end, but the illusion of the story end too.

So overall, really great directing. I can’t stress that enough. You did some pretty amazing things this time around. The relationship between Duncan and MC, I feel, could use some a bit more work. And the ending? Well, I really don’t know if you count that as an ending. I feel like you’ll continue it since you haven’t marked it as complete, so I guess I’ll leave my review open ended on that matter too?

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Thanks​:blush: I don’t know how I forgot to change at last episode PETNAME :sweat_smile: but I will change it , and about 1 is not relating , I was thinking on that too :thinking:maybe I will add builder in 1st Episode,and grammar I find one already to help me
Thanks again :wink:glad you like your ending
I will totally add meat to the skeleton :sweat_smile:lol, we are talking in biology language

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Great to hear and yeah, I guess that was a bit of bio talk haha

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Hi, @amberose!

Thank you SO MUCH again for yet another AMAZING review! I really enjoy reading through all your comments!

I agree that the MC-Duncan relationship was a bit forced but I decided to go for it intentionally as since I didn’t know if I’d continue I thought I needed to complete this line within 3 episodes which isn’t easy taking into the consideration the ideal chapter length. So, that was my decision to sacrifice the credibility a bit here, that’s why I used the word “like” and not even near “love”, as to me this is more about attraction and being intrigued rather than actually falling in love. English isn’t my first language so maybe I should have chosen different words for that? Do you think that the word “like” is out of place here?

Thank you so much again for this awesome review, it’s always a pleasure to submit stories to you for analysis!

:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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No, like is the right word. I think for me it’s just because I can’t see myself with Duncan after knowing him for 5 minutes. But I know how it is trying to add in romance to a contest story, so it’s really not a big deal. I’m sure other readers will “like” Duncan enough to pursue him. I think if you ever do a non contest story though, you’ll probably have the romance aspect flow a lot more naturally.

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@WinterMoon05 @S.Dsana - Quiet Confidence

Hey guys, here’s my thought on your story…

  • My first thought is about your story description. It’s a bit wordy… If you’re not running out of characters there, maybe rewording is across a few sentences, rather than one, would sound better.
  • Your intro was really strong! Good spot placements, good zooms, and a good balance between narrating and animating.
  • I find it odd to customize the love interests and pick his name, but not Angel’s. But not odd enough to urge you to change it, just odd enough to point it out.
  • I like that you make LI’s name pop up above his narration bubbles, a lot of people leave that out and have it as YOU instead.
  • With your “next day” transitions, it would be a bit more believable if you had LI and MC changes clothes each day (although that would main Angel’s dressing game was only for a short scene).
  • The contest being compulsory (and tomorrow!) is a little too unrealistic. I think making it compulsory isn’t necessary. If my school ever did that, I would protest it lol. As for the making it tomorrow factor… Maybe LI has a reason he needs it to be tomorrow? I don’t know about every where else, but where I’m from a school had to give two weeks notice minimum of any kind of assignment or test (and if this is compulsory, I’d consider it an assignment), and we used to get teachers to change due dates all the time because they didn’t give us enough notice. I know episode isn’t known for the realism, but I just think there needs to be a clear need to have it compulsory and for it to happen tomorrow. School funding wasn’t enough to convince me tbh.
  • I’d suggest switching up the doctors uniform so her and mum and wearing the same thing. Even just a colour change will do the trick.
  • I liked the mini montage of seeing Angel working.
  • Ooh, gold choices! Making choices matter, nice.
  • Man, your credits were loooong. And I’m not a fan of author notes at then end. I feel like your outro splash sort of covered enough that you didn’t need an author note as well.
  • I treated Easton nicely, so obvs I didn’t get reported but for all those that didn’t treat him right… Like what a snitch is Easton must be!! Who cares if I zoned out for a moment? Pfft.
  • So I chose to go to sleep and not practice. I figured that if I practiced I would be too tired and oversleep and miss the contest or something? But I get the feeling both were technically bad choices and you bomb the contest either way? Anyway, I think the process of Angel forgetting the words could have been a lot longer. It kind of went by in a blur. As much as I don’t want to deal with the embarrassment of not knowing the words in front of LI, I think a few more lines of dialogue were needed to stretch that out a bit more.
  • As I’m waiting for episode 3 to load, I see your story description again and I really don’t think it represents what I’m reading. There’s not a strong enough focus on nobody talking to Angel to have it in the story description, the way I see it.
  • Ofc a big celebrity such as LI would have a crazy drink order. Of course!
  • I’m actually embarrassed that Angel forgot all about Love Interest! Where was her head at? Lol.
  • I know it’s just pajamas, so it doesn’t matter, but I noticed there wasn’t a “are you sure you want to wear this one?” choice after it.
  • Ok, when I first saw Sky, I was like “Omg how did you guys get a jumpsuit outfit in your story?” But then I realized it was just clever pairing with regular clothes haha.
  • The relationship rule seems strange to me, but I’m guessing it’s a plot point so it’s needed?
  • I also feel like Sky and the girl from the coffee shop’s who’s name I forget could be possible Love Interests too? But maybe not… Maybe they’re just going to become friends with Angel to help boost her confidence?
  • This isn’t related to the review, but your splash keeps reminding me… @WinterMoon05 Did you end up winning the soccer mums contest? I don’t remember seeing any other entries except yours.
  • I think I misunderstood Love Interest before. I thought he was the celeb, but I guess he’s managing celebrities.
  • I like that Angel’s still kept her job.
  • Mr Mark doesn’t look like he’s talking to the staff because he’s placed to close to them. So either he needs to be moved further left or facing rear.
  • Ooh, I see a mix up between “mum” and “mom” - I do this all the time because I’m Australian, but the writers portal always shows mum as a spelling mistake. So annoying. Yours was in the scene at the hospital where Angel is telling her mum that she isn’t a burden.

Overall, I quite liked this story. I find it very upbeat and it’s quite an easy read. Directing’s great, spotting’s great, dialogue’s great. My only critic is that it feels like it’s moving quite fast, but in saying that, your actual episode lengths are fine, and enough content is cover in each episode.

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I only have one episode for my story so far as it’s a pilot to see how people like the story before I continue it, but I’d still love all the opinions I can get.

Title: 4 Drunk Strangers
Author: Cherry S.
Genre: Comedy/Drama (weird because those are almost opposites)
Description: The nerd, the jock, the criminal, the queen bee. All meet at a bar. What they don’t know is that it will lead to problems, but most importantly, a lifetime of best friends.

Thank you!

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Hey Wishend,

Is this unpublished? If so, I’ll need the link :wink:

Oh, sure. Sorry.

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It’ll contain a few mistakes because I need to update it. Sorry.

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All good. I’ll get around to it sometime this week. And I’ll let you know how to fix any errors I spot

Thank you very much, @amberose! If it were up to me fully I’d drag it for ages before they confess or even START developing feelings towards each other :joy::joy::joy: Due to contest limits we are just victims of the format, but I still highly appreciate you flagging it to me, as it’s the constructive criticism that helps me develop, so I will definitely bare in mind all your thoughts when creating my next story!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’ve got yourself a loyal customer and follower! :joy::joy::joy: (btw, if you have an IG page do let me know!)

LOVE,
Alex
:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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Hahaha, I know what you mean! Contests have that affect where you’ve got to make the love happen it it’s got to be fast because them readers want the romance LOL

And thanks for liking my reviews so much! But no, I don’t have IG

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If you ever do set up an IG I’ll definitely give you a follow, so keep me updated! :grinning::grinning::grinning:

:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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Thank you! :blush:
The results for the Soccer Moms contest hasn’t been announced yet. :crossed_fingers:t3:

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