Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

@Alex_Af - Fantasitcal: Black Shadow

So this is kind of cool… You’re my first return customer :heart_eyes: I’ve been very intrigued as to what you’ve done this time, seeing as you’re saying all backgrounds are custom and you’ve got the whole trailer… Anyway, let’s get to it.

  • Wow, what a strong opening. It gives me a dark themed vibe. I already knew this would be about pirates from the description, but your splashes really stick with the theme.

  • I think you’ve skipped a word in one of the narration bubbles ("I did make great friends, fall in love and become one of the sea legends.

  • I’m not a fan of having the narration bubble written in first person, but not having MC’s name above the bubble… but as I’m writing this I realize I don’t even know MC’s name, so maybe you’re actually on to something…

  • I love that your BG characters look from a different time, because pirates are generally from centuries ago, so that’s good consistency.

  • Ohhh, I was write about the name thing. But I would have liked you to add the name to the narration bubble once reader enters a name.

  • This was a really great way to introduce CC.

  • Very nice making the boat bob up and down. To make the characters work with it as well must have taken a lot of effort.

  • OMG you have done a lot with your overlays! I can’t even!!! How did you even come up with these ideas? The shadows of the towns people with the torches! Just wow.

  • Yes yes yes to that flying eagle. That was the one thing I wanted to see from the trailer.

  • That canon scene?! @AMBEROSE is talk_confused_mindblown

  • This is crazy good how much you’ve managed in such a short time. I know I’m reviewing this story and I’m only half way in ep1, but I have to say this is such a big improvement from FATE.

  • You’ve really paid attention to details in this story, especially with your overlays. The eyes of the skull and the skull’s mouth in particular I notice.

  • The scenes with the ship and moon remind me so much of Peter Pan.

  • I knew there was something up with their skin tones!

  • I like that most of Duncan’s team, don’t have display names. It gives them a ghosty vibe.

  • Ok, so be careful with making the Duncan romance thing feel forced… I feel like when another character asks if you like someone, it’s sort of like “Oh, now I’m supposed to want this?” And I know this because I did the very same thing in my own story! I’m no good with romance, so I can’t offer tips. But making a character you’re supposed to hate as the love interest is quite tricky. And I’d say that talking him out of killing you and then watching him stare at his hands isn’t quite enough to make you start liking someone… even as a friend!

  • I agree that yes, after learning his story, you would be intrigued, but not enough to LIKE LIKE him.

  • Nice making that choice to hear the captain out matter. I wonder how hard it would have been to get the answer had I not listened.

  • This trust choice is a major turning point. I just know this will effect my ending.
    *Ohhhhhhhh I get it! (I’m talking about the riddle) At first I was like wtf it’s still gibberish to me, but after making the mistake, I get it now.

  • Low key have a feeling Duncan’s going to turn on me. We’ll probably find treasure and the idiot will take it for himself and I’ll be hung.

  • Wait, I was wrong! I don’t understand this riddle OMG :unamused:

  • Ok, I get it now.

  • This story sort of reminds me of the featured story Confessions of a Teenage Detective (I think that’s what it was called), you have a totally different plot, but I don’t know, there’s just some kind of comparison I’m drawing here that I can’t quite put my finger on.

  • The spears! :hushed:

  • I knew that sly dog would leave me behind!

  • Your episodes are quite long actually!

  • Again, with the Duncan relationship, to hear MC be like “after everything we’ve been through” is me feeling like it’s a bit forced. Seriously, he tries to kill me, I stared at him staring at his hands, then I literally killed him several times trying to get to the treasure… Home girl’s overreacting and should have seen this one coming, just like I did :grin:

  • A little typo when the priest is telling his story. It should be “the king’s closest adviser”, but other than that… DUN DUN DUN! Plot twist!

  • This is almost (key word: almost) more interesting than the actual story. It’s like some kind of juicy ancient royal gossip.

  • There is one line where Jeronim is talking in the flashback, and you’ve got a double up on capital letters… ALese It’s where she’s already preggers if that helps you find it.

  • Damn, she lost her baby weight pretty quick.

  • Ok, so now his motive has been made clear. Nice work… Although the child being blamed for mother’s death thing is a bit of a cliche, but you’ve executed it well so I’m not going to worry about that.

  • I like the fade in of the Dad coming back to give inspiration.

  • I don’t like Duncan coming back in with his ship, but yet I also do like that he came back…? I like it because it’s all coming full circle and you know, happy ending and all, but don’t like it because it’s predictable and it would have been more funny to watch MC get robbed and backstabbed all because she fell in love with him.

  • So confused at Duncan coming in and then leaving again… But I’m guessing that’s because I wasn’t pursuing him every time I was given a romantic choice?

  • Hold up just a minute… Do not tell me that is the end…

  • I’m sure you know how I feel about author notes by now. I understand it can be there so you can give credits, but like… ugh. I just hate that type of breaking the fourth wall and having not only the story end, but the illusion of the story end too.

So overall, really great directing. I can’t stress that enough. You did some pretty amazing things this time around. The relationship between Duncan and MC, I feel, could use some a bit more work. And the ending? Well, I really don’t know if you count that as an ending. I feel like you’ll continue it since you haven’t marked it as complete, so I guess I’ll leave my review open ended on that matter too?

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Thanks​:blush: I don’t know how I forgot to change at last episode PETNAME :sweat_smile: but I will change it , and about 1 is not relating , I was thinking on that too :thinking:maybe I will add builder in 1st Episode,and grammar I find one already to help me
Thanks again :wink:glad you like your ending
I will totally add meat to the skeleton :sweat_smile:lol, we are talking in biology language

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Great to hear and yeah, I guess that was a bit of bio talk haha

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Hi, @amberose!

Thank you SO MUCH again for yet another AMAZING review! I really enjoy reading through all your comments!

I agree that the MC-Duncan relationship was a bit forced but I decided to go for it intentionally as since I didn’t know if I’d continue I thought I needed to complete this line within 3 episodes which isn’t easy taking into the consideration the ideal chapter length. So, that was my decision to sacrifice the credibility a bit here, that’s why I used the word “like” and not even near “love”, as to me this is more about attraction and being intrigued rather than actually falling in love. English isn’t my first language so maybe I should have chosen different words for that? Do you think that the word “like” is out of place here?

Thank you so much again for this awesome review, it’s always a pleasure to submit stories to you for analysis!

:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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No, like is the right word. I think for me it’s just because I can’t see myself with Duncan after knowing him for 5 minutes. But I know how it is trying to add in romance to a contest story, so it’s really not a big deal. I’m sure other readers will “like” Duncan enough to pursue him. I think if you ever do a non contest story though, you’ll probably have the romance aspect flow a lot more naturally.

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@WinterMoon05 @S.Dsana - Quiet Confidence

Hey guys, here’s my thought on your story…

  • My first thought is about your story description. It’s a bit wordy… If you’re not running out of characters there, maybe rewording is across a few sentences, rather than one, would sound better.
  • Your intro was really strong! Good spot placements, good zooms, and a good balance between narrating and animating.
  • I find it odd to customize the love interests and pick his name, but not Angel’s. But not odd enough to urge you to change it, just odd enough to point it out.
  • I like that you make LI’s name pop up above his narration bubbles, a lot of people leave that out and have it as YOU instead.
  • With your “next day” transitions, it would be a bit more believable if you had LI and MC changes clothes each day (although that would main Angel’s dressing game was only for a short scene).
  • The contest being compulsory (and tomorrow!) is a little too unrealistic. I think making it compulsory isn’t necessary. If my school ever did that, I would protest it lol. As for the making it tomorrow factor… Maybe LI has a reason he needs it to be tomorrow? I don’t know about every where else, but where I’m from a school had to give two weeks notice minimum of any kind of assignment or test (and if this is compulsory, I’d consider it an assignment), and we used to get teachers to change due dates all the time because they didn’t give us enough notice. I know episode isn’t known for the realism, but I just think there needs to be a clear need to have it compulsory and for it to happen tomorrow. School funding wasn’t enough to convince me tbh.
  • I’d suggest switching up the doctors uniform so her and mum and wearing the same thing. Even just a colour change will do the trick.
  • I liked the mini montage of seeing Angel working.
  • Ooh, gold choices! Making choices matter, nice.
  • Man, your credits were loooong. And I’m not a fan of author notes at then end. I feel like your outro splash sort of covered enough that you didn’t need an author note as well.
  • I treated Easton nicely, so obvs I didn’t get reported but for all those that didn’t treat him right… Like what a snitch is Easton must be!! Who cares if I zoned out for a moment? Pfft.
  • So I chose to go to sleep and not practice. I figured that if I practiced I would be too tired and oversleep and miss the contest or something? But I get the feeling both were technically bad choices and you bomb the contest either way? Anyway, I think the process of Angel forgetting the words could have been a lot longer. It kind of went by in a blur. As much as I don’t want to deal with the embarrassment of not knowing the words in front of LI, I think a few more lines of dialogue were needed to stretch that out a bit more.
  • As I’m waiting for episode 3 to load, I see your story description again and I really don’t think it represents what I’m reading. There’s not a strong enough focus on nobody talking to Angel to have it in the story description, the way I see it.
  • Ofc a big celebrity such as LI would have a crazy drink order. Of course!
  • I’m actually embarrassed that Angel forgot all about Love Interest! Where was her head at? Lol.
  • I know it’s just pajamas, so it doesn’t matter, but I noticed there wasn’t a “are you sure you want to wear this one?” choice after it.
  • Ok, when I first saw Sky, I was like “Omg how did you guys get a jumpsuit outfit in your story?” But then I realized it was just clever pairing with regular clothes haha.
  • The relationship rule seems strange to me, but I’m guessing it’s a plot point so it’s needed?
  • I also feel like Sky and the girl from the coffee shop’s who’s name I forget could be possible Love Interests too? But maybe not… Maybe they’re just going to become friends with Angel to help boost her confidence?
  • This isn’t related to the review, but your splash keeps reminding me… @WinterMoon05 Did you end up winning the soccer mums contest? I don’t remember seeing any other entries except yours.
  • I think I misunderstood Love Interest before. I thought he was the celeb, but I guess he’s managing celebrities.
  • I like that Angel’s still kept her job.
  • Mr Mark doesn’t look like he’s talking to the staff because he’s placed to close to them. So either he needs to be moved further left or facing rear.
  • Ooh, I see a mix up between “mum” and “mom” - I do this all the time because I’m Australian, but the writers portal always shows mum as a spelling mistake. So annoying. Yours was in the scene at the hospital where Angel is telling her mum that she isn’t a burden.

Overall, I quite liked this story. I find it very upbeat and it’s quite an easy read. Directing’s great, spotting’s great, dialogue’s great. My only critic is that it feels like it’s moving quite fast, but in saying that, your actual episode lengths are fine, and enough content is cover in each episode.

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I only have one episode for my story so far as it’s a pilot to see how people like the story before I continue it, but I’d still love all the opinions I can get.

Title: 4 Drunk Strangers
Author: Cherry S.
Genre: Comedy/Drama (weird because those are almost opposites)
Description: The nerd, the jock, the criminal, the queen bee. All meet at a bar. What they don’t know is that it will lead to problems, but most importantly, a lifetime of best friends.

Thank you!

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Hey Wishend,

Is this unpublished? If so, I’ll need the link :wink:

Oh, sure. Sorry.

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It’ll contain a few mistakes because I need to update it. Sorry.

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All good. I’ll get around to it sometime this week. And I’ll let you know how to fix any errors I spot

Thank you very much, @amberose! If it were up to me fully I’d drag it for ages before they confess or even START developing feelings towards each other :joy::joy::joy: Due to contest limits we are just victims of the format, but I still highly appreciate you flagging it to me, as it’s the constructive criticism that helps me develop, so I will definitely bare in mind all your thoughts when creating my next story!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’ve got yourself a loyal customer and follower! :joy::joy::joy: (btw, if you have an IG page do let me know!)

LOVE,
Alex
:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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Hahaha, I know what you mean! Contests have that affect where you’ve got to make the love happen it it’s got to be fast because them readers want the romance LOL

And thanks for liking my reviews so much! But no, I don’t have IG

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If you ever do set up an IG I’ll definitely give you a follow, so keep me updated! :grinning::grinning::grinning:

:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

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Thank you! :blush:
The results for the Soccer Moms contest hasn’t been announced yet. :crossed_fingers:t3:

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Okay, thank you so much.

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@Annieways H&V: Challenge Accepted

Hey Annie,

So long story short, I’m up to episode 3, but Idk what happened with your review… I was writing it and then took a break and then came back and it was gone :disappointed_relieved:

As I write everything down as it happens, I can only remember a few of my points Here are some of the points I remember making:

  • I love how sarcastic this is. I hate author notes, but I did laugh at things like you talking about the advanced zooms (Would have preferred it on a splash like the sound comment though).
  • Episode one was heavy on the narration. I guess it suited, because it was an introduction to set the scene, but perhaps a few more choices would have helped round it out more. The example I would use would be when Felix offers up 5 million dollars, Nathan could have the choice to agree or maybe to increase the amount to 7 million. Just things like that, which won’t change your plot too much, but will still make readers feel included.
  • I don’t always like breaking the fourth wall to call out episode, but I did like how you used it to explain the background. On the flip side, I didn’t like it when Tyson used it to talk about gangs. I felt the second time was too close to the first time. However, both comments made me laugh.
  • With Cassidy on the train, she needs to be scaled smaller when she’s pressing her face up to the glass. If you looked at where her feet were positioned, it would be like her standing half a meter away from the window. So scaling should fix that.
  • Another thing from episode 1 was that when they start, the “baddies” look like they’re running on the spot. I know it would be a pain to swap out the looping background each time, but it is worth it for that natural running look.
  • I liked how you brought Bad Boy Bachelor in to it.
  • I was laughing the entire time they were breaking Chelsea out of jail. And I was thinking how stupid is that because now they’ll all be wanted by the police and then at the end, that’s what Nathan says! I’m glad your characters state the obvious.
  • I think you do a great job and covering any potential plot hole - for example with Chelsea being a criminal, I thought it would be strange to have her on a team with an FBI agent, but then you have Chelsea comment on that, saying she doesn’t like her and so it’s like you fixed that up before I had a chance to call you out on it… If that makes any sense…

Ok, that’s all I can remember originally writing from the first 2.5 chapters (sorry again that I lost everything I wrote). On to halfway through episode 2 and being live…

  • I noticed that Nathan hasn’t specifically said he will share his $5 million with them and I’m really hoping that becomes a huge plot twist at the end.

  • Careful with your layering in the video scene. Cobra (the one who starts facing rear) is at layer 1, but his feet are lower than everyone else, which would imply he’s closer to the camera and therefore should be layer 4. Unless, you’re trying to make him the short one, in which case, scale him smaller so I can’t see his feet are lower down than the others.

  • There was one sentence I found a bit wordy… “How the world is in danger by sandals and socks?” would sound better as “How is the world in danger by sandals and socks?”

  • I’m waiting for episode 4 to load now, but just using this time to write a point about how funny this is. It’s like just the right balance between stupid-funny and clever-funny and has made me laugh a lot.

  • Where did you get those floor plans?? They look so pro.

  • This is a minor thing, but when Miyoko is going over the plans, she’s facing right to talk to Brandon and Nathan, but if you go off of their background, they’d be at the other side of the room, so she should face left.

  • The Cassidy and Joe scene, whilst funny, was bordering on becoming a bit too much of a parody. I’d recommend making Cassidy seem a little more upset with Joe at first, instead of her being instantly in love with him. Just a few more lines of dialogue should do the trick I think.

  • Chelsea is holding the lipstick prop for a bit too long in the scene before they all do their makeovers to go to the bank. Which by the way, was very clever what you did with the disguises.

  • I loathe with a passion that cafeteria background. It’s so annoying that eve though your spot placements are on point, those freaking tables are in the way and make all your characters look like they’re smaller than chairs.

  • I would suggest changing the run time of the robbers getting to each side so it looks like they’re catching them before they can keep running. Because at the moment, I can see all our heroes idle for a second as if they’re waiting for the robbers. Even making them go offscreen in both zone 1 and zone 3 could work.

  • Oh, Chelsea’s lipstick is back again…

  • HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m laughing so hard at Cassidy’s choices at the end of episode 5.

  • I found the zooming between character’s at the gun question a little too slow, but you made up for it with Chelsea’s lol-worthy comment.

  • When Chelsea says it’s like we’re in an episode story, that’s where I would draw the line. Calling out episode is funny, but in small doses. Like I’d honestly limit it to once per story.

  • I’m really starting to feel sorry for Miyoko. She’s trying so hard with this mission, and she’s an FBI agent for crying out loud. She could do better than these idiots.

  • Another sentence I feel was worded weird was Nathan explaining why he went to the Bahamas… Try something like “I got tired of listening to you complain.”

  • This mini-montage of Chelsea and Brandon was cute. I like how you really drew that out. I thought by the third transition it would cut to them kissing, but no, you made us wait! Good job.

  • Chelsea says “in one condition” but it should be “on one condition”.

  • Oooh I see that big red button and I just know something big is about to happen!

  • This thing has been bugging me every time I start a new episode… Why is “challenge” in the center but “accepted” is to the right.

  • I absolutely love this plot twist that the gang leader isn’t actually that dumb. I feel with stories like this, they always end so quickly, because MC is just so great that they save the day with no problems. But this is great, because every time Nathan and Co get close, there’s another obstacle in their way.

  • Chelsea standing there blowing kissing over and over again :joy: And then Brandon coming in with the grenades comment. How do you come up with this??

  • When Joe’s explaining his name, “I couldn’t find yet the best suitable name, okay?” You can get rid of the yet, it’s not needed.

  • Oooh, we’re back with the opening scene. This makes me worried, because it feels like the story is coming to an end but I don’t want it to.

  • I still have the same issue with it looking like he’s running on the spot. I sort of get you have to have it that way, because of the dude who’s doing the gun hold animation, but it looks like he’s running a treadmill lol.

  • So does becoming real superheroes mean this will be some type of series?

  • OMG Cassidy is an idiot. Wouldn’t she have known there were cameras? Wait, no. Nathan’s an idiot, why didn’t he telepath out of the ropes. Oh and Chris talking about his new guy before… I want to make a theory that it’s the gang member that wasn’t attracted to Chelsea.

  • “You look so gay. I love it” HAHAHAHAHA

  • The placement of the dog in the bag looks awkward. Is it supposed to be on the chair thing in the wardrobe or on the floor or flying? Because it looks like it’s flying.

  • Oh, gosh. Chris’s text had me laughing.

  • Yay, the money is back on the table which means the story isn’t nearly over.

Aaaaand I’m at the end. I really enjoyed this. I’m big on comedy and this had me laughing a lot. So much so that I can look past the few cheap jokes to really appreciate the clever ones. And I can’t believe I haven’t stalked you on Episode before! I see you around on forums and so I’m surprised I never tried to find you on the app before. I hope your other stories are as good as this, because I plan on reading them sometime.

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Hi there! Is it too late to ask for a review? :grin:

If not, my story is called Exorcism of Phoebe, it’s horror with a little bit of romance. (Don’t judge, I had to :joy:)

If you’re interested in dating Seven Deadly Sins or Lucifer, well this story is for you! :sunglasses:

Here’s the link:

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Not too late, I’ll add you to the list

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Thank you! :smile:

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