Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories


#285

Really? I usually kind of release 2 episodes per week now since. Naturally, Episode is once again taking forever for BG/OL, but on average that’s usually how much I’d update. >.< ; And nah I have to feel bad about the length because I am starting to notice it and it can be kind of annoying having to deal with a big script too tbh lol.

The more I started getting used to directing, the faster directing took, actually. Spot directing wasn’t too thrilling, but once I got that out of my way, usually everything else is a cakewalk.

And tbh I don’t even know WHEN the story will actually end. I wanted it to end around 20 episodes, but I feel like it might take 25 episodes instead AT most. Again, writing on the whim doesn’t make me feel too sure how long it’ll be finished lol. Could be lower than that for all I know!

Thanks for the compliments tho! :sob::sob::sob::sob: It’s a hobby, really. I’ve always written without so much an issue, but this is just my first time writing for Episode. Directing was more annoying than the actual content writing, but it becomes mechanical for me over time. I really have a second story set up (Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing) that’s more ‘anti-mafia’ish on the side, just in case if I get writers’ block or unsure what to do with TotH in the meantime. (REALLY mostly waiting for new Limelight features tho tbh lmao) In contrast to TotH, I actually intend to use better directing and apply critique from TotH instead on it :slight_smile: . Gotta learn from mistakes and explore new angles!

I’m guessing you stopped at Episode 7 (?) Christ, even I’m starting to forget which chapter is which lol. I have 13 in the works and ALMOST done, but I noticed that proofreading now takes more time for me to do than the actual bulky work since I’m pretty self conscious and critical with my directing more now.


#286

Wow, you’re fast! Even after a year I can’t type up episodes that quickly!

But please don’t thank me for the comments lol, I’m just being honest. You have a knack for this I guess.

And yeah, I’m up to episode 8. Haven’t started it yet, but I’m super keen to get back into it :slightly_smiling_face:


#287

You just saw how much I can talk and type now lol. Writing dialogue is child’s play :sunglasses: lmfao I can write and write all the time, overwriting is the only flaw I have which I managed to tone down overall, not just in Episode writing.

And all I can say is that the story is still going to be plot-twist after twist and twist. I hope I don’t wring out my readers’ necks because there’s no such thing as “that was easy” in my vocabulary :rofl:


#288

TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

And yes, I actually expect lots of plot twists from you now… I just don’t know what they will be. But I’m excited to find out. Normally I try and predict, but I think with this I’m going to be much happier watching it play out


#289

Story title - Midnight Memories
Author - Evija Jureviča
Episodes - 12 (more coming soon)
Style - Limelight
Genre - Romance
Description - Ayla flies all the way from Ireland to somewhere in America, when she’s supposed to spend a summer in some kind of rehabilitation center for people with anorexia.
Warnings - A lot od strong language and mature themes coming soon.
Notes - Limited character customization for lead characters at the begining and later other characters too.

Choices don’t affect the storyline a lot, just a little.
Just like in a book or movie.

Link - http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5689448274984960

CoverMaker-1530470093021


#290

Tittle: Search for love
Author: S.writes
Genre: Drama
Episodes : 10 (Season 1 complete)
Style : Ink
Description: Your life turns upside down when you try to escape from a toxic situation! Can you find the love you are looking for trying to escape?
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5548786201264128
Cover :


#291

@Days - Crossed Paths

  • Ok, so as previously mentioned, I’ll be starting your review from where I was up to (chapter 4 btw, and I’ve been given a free pass as I now need to re-read (thanks lol))

  • I liked your new splash… With your chapter splash I’m wondering if the quote is relevant to the chapter/storyline or if you just liked that particularly quote…

  • Oh, I remember first reading this flashback/dream scene and thinking you were going to go down the I-had-an-abusive-ex route (which I guess you still might- there’s still time) but I was happy that it wasn’t. Like you made me really like Mindy’s old boyfriend.

  • I always liked your directing in that you kept this guy a mystery with having no display name and strategic zooms.

  • Minor typo when Mindy’s pregnant - “Men. Can’t live with them. Can’t live with out them.r” - you could probably do without the “.r” there at the end haha.

  • “I better sleep it off” HAHAHAHA, how relateable!

  • I love the rushed outfit choice. I cannot stand when an MC is running late but still takes half an hour to try on every outfit, so that was good! Realism and all.

  • Ah, cool effect with the overlays when she arrives to class late.

  • Joanne is wearing a graduation gown and I am confused…

  • So outside on campus, might look better to have your BG characters doing looping animations. Right now the ones on my screen are frozen at the end of animation positions, so it doesn’t look quite natural.

  • I saw Mindy’s finger on screen when Miara is asking for a favour. I know what you’re up to… flirt_fingersnap

  • For the effect of whispering, why not try a text effect? Instead of the readerMessage telling your readers to just pretend?

  • I see you with the shush animation with Derek in the hospital. Might want to move your zoom or his placement so you don’t ruin the illusion :wink:

  • The scene after the jog, Mindy “pops” up right next to Derek. Don’t forget to place her using “&” so she doesn’t just appear out of thin air.

  • Typo - very minor - “THe ladybugs kept on flying away from me despite how much I loved them” - and also, wow! What a line, smooooth Derek, smooth.

  • So… is Mindy just oblivious to the fact that SHE is the ladybug to him? Not a fan of this fact going over her head! I would have liked to see her realise what it meant that that was her nickname.

  • I liked that you’ve got a blended family for Mindy. I don’t see that much in Episode stories.

  • I see more shush animations hahahaha. You really like them, hey? This time it was the Sebastian in the background while the father’s were talking.

  • I liked that all your outfit choices were different from each other. You’ve got something girly, classic, and more chill so you appeal to every type of reader.

  • wtf at her mum’s ex hitting on her… :flushed:

  • Again, I think a text effect could be a great way to convey a whisper between people. Maybe italics and in the colour grey?

  • I admire how clever you are to incorporate basically what is an add for your next story. GENIUS.

  • Irrelevant to the review, but about this new story… I obviously don’t know too much about it, but I am hoping Morgana is evil. Is that weird? Like, I’m hoping this will be a fake-love story lol… Though now near the end it doesn’t look that will be the case.

  • um lol! That waitress is hilarious!

  • Sebastian and Joanne!!! Oooh!

  • I actually don’t like being given a hint as to which choice would give a bonus scene… Though I believe I am a minority.

  • Well, Mindy agreed to go without much hesitation… Not a very realistic response in my opinion. I’d be a lot more crankier if someone woke me up and wouldn’t even give me details.

  • I liked the comebacks Mindy was coming up with for the creep haha

  • I am so lost… WHO IS THIS TRISTAN GUY? Have I missed something? It’s getting pretty late where I am as I type this so it’s possible I missed something, but why all of a sudden is Mindy like Derek, who?

  • Ok, so Tristan works for Mindy’s mum’s ex husband… Hm, complicated…

  • Yeah, so as much as I think Tristan’s better looking than Derek, I did not feel the insta-attraction as much as those two seemed to have. You might want to play that scene back and see if you can stretch out the attraction between them. I know this sounds super cringe, but trying slowing it down, adding a bit more lust - if you want your readers to feel something real for Tristan this far into your story, you’re going to need to turn up the heat a bit more…

  • Ooohh… I didn’t have enough friendship points with Joanne hahahah

  • I just noticed… From Derek’s POV you add his name to the narration bubbles, but not in Mindy’s POV.

And that brings me up to speed. Directing is near flawless, though you might want to adjust some placements for those pesky arms during shush animations. There was the two typos I pointed out too. Overall some great funny moments! But if you’re going to take anything away from this, I would really recommend you work on that insta-connection Mindy and Tristan had (which, if you’re like me, will be a lot of work because romance is hard, but I promise you it’s well worth it) and really focus on making it realistic, not rushed, and something your readers can get on board with.


#292

Thank you so much and LOL at Joanne :joy::joy::joy: I gotta fix that - I will make sure to do some tweaks as well! I think maybe I might change up Mindy’s response. I might make her a bit angrier and perhaps adjust the scene to make it more realistic.

As always amazing amazing feedback and comments thank you! (lol you sussed out my love for shushes :joy::joy: oh and fingersnaps :sweat_smile:)


#293

Ahaha, you’re welcome :blush: But for real, who doesn’t like a good shush or flirt fingersnap?

Side note: I knew you would reply almost immediately! You are always online at the same times as me.


#294

:joy::joy: I noticed that too and again, thank you :heart:


#295

I realised you have some questions - you took the time to provide feedback so the least I could do is answer the questions :sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart:

  • Mindy is in fact aware (actually I will tweak this scene so it makes more sense) but she sort of pushes it down, she is worried about all the implications behind it all (ladybug scene).

  • Ah so the story The Critic (story in a story haha) is a spin off of Crossed Paths. This is Mindy’s favourite movie and is “based on a true story”.

  • I feel like with Tristan I need to sort of ease him in and as you suggested, kinda make the scene longer, that way the reader sort of lingers on this idea of Tristan. I feel like there needs to be more flirtation, more attraction but perhaps I could contrast the feelings of the two men? Derek and Mindy have what I consider a more sustainable relationship, like a campsite fire - cozy, warm and known.
    Mindy and Tristan are bound to be a whirlwind, so I think I might add some flirtation between the two, Tristan is flirting his ass off but Mindy is bouncing off with smartass remarks - some what flanter :joy:

  • Also, I am going to do some changes - not major ones but small tweaks as I feel these will improve the story more (you always have helped me grow as a writer, thank you!)


#296

AHAHAHA! (Again, you are always on at the same time as me. I literally saw you typing and was wondering what you were about to post)

  • I thought this might have been the case tbh, but I think a little inner thoughts might be needed to show she understands it’s flirting maybe?
  • Can’t wait!
  • I get you! You want your love interests to be different and thus, the way their relationships form must be different too. It’s going to be hard to get the right balance of instant attraction between Mindy and Tristan, but I have confidence you’ll be able to do it. I like the sound of Tristan flirting and Mindy being a smartass (I’d guess that would be just the thing to turn Tristan on haha)
  • AWWW you’re welcome. Can’t wait to re-read that chapter to see the Tristan/Mindy scene changes tbh

#297

:sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart: haha I saw you typing as well thinking what she gonna write

Lmao Tristan loves a feisty woman so Mindy is going to be unwittingly turning him on loool and thank you again (I thank you all the time but I just cannot even with how helpful you are)


#298

[

Can you review my story?
This is my story:

Name: Coincidence or Destiny

Description:

Aurora loved her life, but during the summer she met a boy and her life starts to change completely

The meeting was coincidence or destiny?

Chapters: 7

Genre: Drama

Style: Ink

Link:


#299

@fluffyrice - Loving You Again

  • Sorry to start your review this way but man I hate author notes!

  • Hmm, based off of the year and location of this story I feel like I’m going to have a huge connection to the female MC! (And yes, I did look up the place they moved to to see if these fictional people live near me… It’s made up, isn’t it?)

  • I like that you’ve used a filter for your first scene - it always gives a little insight as to how advanced you can expect a story to be if they’re utilising some of the special effects this early on.

  • This is me just being picky, but if you feel advanced enough, maybe add some BG characters in the hallways. Since she’s not running late, I imagine there’s be a few more people wondering the halls.

  • And when she does go to class, have her walk rear towards the door.

  • The spotting is a little weird when Sierra meets Dayna after school. Sierra looks smaller but is a layer in front Dayna.

  • “I’m still a virgin” !?! Good! She’s in year 7!

  • I bet the guy is Peter… Or I hope so anyway, because DRAMA!

  • I was right! Yay!

  • Noooooooo ANOTHER AUTHOR NOTE?! You’re killing me… Love that outro splash though. Very clever!

  • Another author note… You know if people are binge reading, like I am right now, there going to be seeing back to back author notes, so if you really want to do one every beginning and ending of each chapter, try and keep them brief.

  • So in the cafe, maybe considering adding some close up zooms. I find with three or more characters on screen, sometimes only two are talking and the other character/s just kind of look awkward and frozen. So maybe zoom on whoever’s talking until Dayna leaves?

  • I would have loved to have seen a bit more banter and hate between Sierra and Peter before that little time skip. I just love frenemy ships, so I wanted to see more!

  • Aha, that was a funny scene with the banana (fun fact: my school separated the boys and girls PE classes in year 8, because we did sex ed that year and for some reason didn’t want both genders to be in the same room for it lol)

  • Due to the time skip, it felt a little random for the girls to care if Peter still liked Dayna. I imagine if we’d seen more of their year 7 friendship, that question would have been answered in that time.

  • Woah! That outfit choice! You know the one I am talking about

  • Casually bumbing into your mum’s friend at the shops where they “catch up” for what feels like hours is REALISM right there!

  • Just thought this conversation might interest you. I am bias against author notes, but there are some people who like them, so perhaps this topic will give you ideas on how people other than me feel about them (since I am worried you are overdoing it)

  • I was a little surprise the next chapter didn’t continue with anything at the mall.

  • Wait, they’re really only figuring out they were childhood friend’s after a year? (Since based on a true story, I have to ask… Really took you a year to figure out?)

  • Now this is more like it! Loving the cafe scene where they fight!

  • Another realistic touch I’ve noticed is how the kids still get lifts home. It’s true to their age.

  • So I’ve just been credited a new pass so I guess you have edited something? Oh a new cover too. Wow, crazy timing.

  • Oooh some background characters in the hallway… That wasn’t there before…

  • Um huh at the ending is right! What the heck? Hahaha (ohhhh… It was a dream!)

  • Nice shoutout to HJ there.

  • I love all these subtly puberty remarks.

  • I’ve noticed you use the word “confess” a fair bit when character’s are talking about flirting or admitting they like someone. Since it’s not really a common term used, maybe consider having that be one character’s go-to word for it, and use a different term when a different character is talking about it.

  • Alex confessing is giving me second hand embarrassment.

  • Yes yes yes… The over the shoulder recorded scene is EVERYTHING… But then Sierra was at the wrong layer when she left the park. Bring her up a layer and it would be perfect!

  • I love how your chapter description revolves around the mufti day. That was how my life felt on mufti days, they were so important. American’s would never understand.

  • The fart… I have to ask… Is that part based on the true story? (Side note: such a random scene!)

  • Sierra needed to be moved back a layer when she was washing her hands

  • Be wary of looping animations when Sierra is on the phone at the mall. She looks like she’s still talking when Dayna’s lines come up.

  • Was going to comment on how hella awkward that whole episode was! Everything that could go wrong for Sierra did go wrong. But that was a cute ending… I would suggest, maybe when you get more advanced with your directing to spend more time on that spin the bottle scene. Switching up angles and zooms could make it look really pro!

  • Dayna looks scaled slightly too large on the couch.

  • Yes! Cheering that you’ve done a seniors uniform!

  • I really liked your winter dress up options

  • Spotting outside the store was perfectly scaled!

  • Inside the store, I’d say it’s worth the extra effort to get the overlays for the shelves/counter so when Sierra walks to the shelf, her elbows don’t stick out.

  • It’s like a true 7/11 not having an attendent there

  • I am experiencing so much second hand embarrassment at that pocky game :flushed:

  • In the movie Daniel and Ally’s kiss had a weird pause. Are you using “THEN” in your script to have it flow better?

  • Ugh just cringing so hard at Sierra getting friendzoned basically

  • I liked your test options “your mum’s chest hair”

  • Also liked for the test, you didn’t use class backgrounds. True Aussies always had to go to the hall for their tests haha

  • I liked your directing at the clothes store, because you maneuvered it in such a way that you don’t need the overlays

  • OMG double cringe at seeing a teacher outside of school dressed like that!

  • Wow, Kimberly’s text messages are sent on my birthday! Trippy

  • Awkward moment when one of Kimberly’s dress options is what Sierra is wearing :eyes:

  • Party spotting was on point!

  • Oh gosh, Dayna’s mum :weary: If there was an award for most cringe scenes, you’d win

  • Dayna’s mum needed to move forward a layer btw.

  • Dun dun dunnnnn! Cliff hanger ending for that episode…

  • I quite like this “getting to know other characters” bit. Idk if it was necessary, but it’s nice, and I like the little backgrounds you’ve made to make it feel like a school photos book or something.

  • Also noting the convenient timing of you doing this when the last episode ended with a kiss… :smirk:

  • Weird, I actually knew who half your shoutouts were before you explained them.

  • Song lyrics: You’re only allowed a maximum of 4 lines per episode… Timothy was two lines over the limit. Careful.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The karaoke “video”. Just the way you used the curtain transition was so accurate.

  • Er, I know episode animations are limited, but I feel as though Peter and Sierra look too depressed, when they should look more “awkward” instead of sad.

  • Ohh technically Alex can’t sing because of the song lyrics line limit.

  • Nice directing when Vivian’s mum comes in. I liked the fall and then how you got Peter and Sierra to peek out from behind the table.

  • You know when they sit on the bench, “Kristine” is narrating. Is that how it’s supposed to be or is it just force of habit to type that since it’s you?

  • Birthday cake scene is another great example of your directing skills. Good spotting, nice use of overlays and all the layers were spot on.

  • Your train background is the epitome of Sydney!

  • Ok, so when I first started your review, I think I said something about the timeskip in year 7 how I felt it was too soon or something? (I’m too lazy to see what I wrote) Anyway, I get it now what you’re going for anf these time jumps are ok, because they’re constant throughout your story. I do still think I would have liked to have seen more of year 7, but now this far along in this story, it’s still fine without it.

  • I really liked your backgrounds for the years changing and photos, that was super cute!

  • One thing though is that I felt like choices were scarce and didn’t influence the story too much. You had a few ones that felt like they would have changed the scene a bit if I had chosen another option. Outfit choices are fine, but choices for what food to eat (even though we’ve all done it at some point) are one way to tell when an author doesn’t have choices that heavily matter and they’re only including because they feel like they need some choices. I would recommend instead to give readers choices on how to respond to questions and such. It won’t change the story line too much, if at all, but your readers will still feel like they’re making Sierra their own. Example of this would be during spin the bottle, when Sierra has to kiss Peter - choices" “ew, yuck!” or “I guess this won’t be so bad” - see how she’ll still kiss Peter either way? But your readers will still feel like they have a better attachment to Sierra because they’ve been given a choice about the situation.

  • Overall, a cute story. Pretty realistic tbh, even though it made me cringe so much at times!!!


#300

Hey hey! Thank you for this review.

Yes, everything that occurred in this story is indeed true and has actually happened to me in real life. Of course I had to fabricate the suburb names because I didn’t want to reveal where I’m actually from in Sydney. :stuck_out_tongue: I had to do quick time skips because nothing significant happened in those earlier years. The “main factor” is when the characters finally reach the adult stage (present day) so it explains all the time jumps, so we’re still in the back story stage. Didn’t want to deem my story to be too draggy.

Thanks for the layering points, I’ve had reviewers point that out but I wasn’t sure which specific episode I had problems with. I’ll admit my directing was a bit lazy in the early episodes though, haha.

What do you mean about the maximum of “4 lines per episode?”

The “awkward” thing in episode 8, we were both sad (in real life) during the conversation when we were coming to the realisation that our friendship isn’t the same anymore (as how I remembered it), but I’ll re-read my story again :slight_smile:

When they are sitting on the bench and the author is narrating that part, it’s intentional. The story is about my life, and it was me actually talking about remembering how I felt during that time. :slight_smile:

Anyways, I really appreciate this detailed live review! I’ll be sure to fix a few things based on the pointers given here. Thank you so much. :slight_smile: :slight_smile:


#301

@Jane_Vent @CeCeWrites.Episode - DD: SHATTERED

Well this is incredibly overdue! Congrats on winning… Not sure if you still need/want my thoughts, but I wanted to read it anyway, so I may as well write what I think anyway

  • Oooh what a first impression. Love the hands.

  • Oh, the hands continue? Oh my, it’s quite a hands on dance sequence you’ve got there.

  • I love that even though LL’s clothing is limited, you’ve managed to make all the characters in the flashback look like they’re from another time period.

  • I really liked the partner dancing when they all switched partners. It was aesthetically appealing just to watch it all synchronized on my screen.

  • Not sure how I feel about the collective grinding at the second ball/celebration.

  • I have a real soft spot for Calliope. And I think I’m very attached to this story within a story too.

  • For things like “BABY 5YO” and “LADY2” I always recommend changing the display name.

  • Woah, your hands holding the phone overlays are incredible!

  • Wow, the effort you went to with your dressing game. Not just the mirror overlay, the fact that you gave every outfit a jacket/jumper!

  • OMG I took every possible wrong path in that mini game!

  • Genius idea turning that poster into a window.

  • I’m liking that each time Baby is given a choice of how to respond, there’s a confident/sassy way or a timid/shy way. It makes me feel like I’m shaping her personality. Not sure if there’s a right and a wrong option, but I’m getting Johnny +1 each time, so I must be doing something right

  • The narration and dialogue in this feels really natural to me.

  • Oh, I totally forgot about the whole curse thing until she made Johnny promise they weren’t going to fall in love hahaha.

  • Ooooh the scene in the lake was cool. I love that you haven’t made her just naturally be good at dancing.

  • I am wondering how she managed to sneak out all these other times while it’s been broad daylight.

  • I’m not sure if this was a glitch, but when I chose to go off at Johnny after they kissed, when Baby says “Not hard enough!” it zooms on to a blank spot on the background instead of Baby… Or maybe Baby disappeared? Not sure, but might want to check to be safe.

  • Woah, so cool, the EYE. I thought episode 2 would end with Johnny confessing his love, but now I know why you chose this spot instead.

  • I’ve never been big on art scenes, but I just realised my outfit was a choice, which means you got two art scenes, just so it would look like my characters! That’s amazing, great job going to the extra effort.

  • Well, geez it didn’t take much for Penny to switch ships :roll_eyes:

  • The crystal ball was a nice touch. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Calliope

Well I can definitely see why you both won the contest. It was a really great read and I can’t wait to continue. Congratulations again!


#302

Interesting! I’ve still yet to do an Aussie story, but I have a really rough draft of one and was tossing up between using real suburbs or not.

Thinking back to my own time in year 7/year 8, I guess it can be pretty “draggy” as you put it, but I can’t help but want to see more of the frenemyship in those years, even if you’d have to make up some of it, I still think it would be cool, but it’s up to you. You’re so far into it that it’s not going to affect you whether you do or don’t.

With song lyrics in episode stories, you can only include 4 lines from a song. Most chorus’s are four lines, for example, so you are only allowed that (Actually come to think of it, the limit might be 5. Don’t quote me!) much. Otherwise, your story could get reported for breaching copy right or whatever the legal term is. Better to be safe than sorry.

Oh gosh, episode 8… You poor thing! You are really brave to put this all into a story. I would much rather let my truth die and make up fiction instead, so bravo to you.


#303

@RainbowCat - Dreams and Nightmares

  • So I am not a really a big fan of the “foster parents abused MC” backstory, which I’m guessing is going to play a big part in this story? I get if it’s a plot point, then of course you need it. I do think if this is important to the plot, make the intro more unique. We’ve seen the servant room be panned over plenty of times in other stories to establish that the MC is basically a poor, abused servant girl. Perhaps a montage of her with various other families would work better? Provided you show her doing different tasks and chores for each foster family? And maybe even a clip of her going to the police and them not believing her (btw, not sure what time period and country this is set in, but REALLY? By law, police have to take all reports of abuse seriously and investigate. If this is set in modern time, I’d rather see this be explored and have Scarlet’s old foster family just hide all the evidence against them rather than the police not believe her… It’s a more realistic approach)

  • I’d recommend changing Dave’s appearance and clothing so he doesn’t look like one of the default characters…

  • Woah, so for episode 1 there’s so far been a lot of Scarlet getting hit by a man, reference to sexual assault and insinuation of more sexual and physical abuse to come. I actually had to check the guidelines before I wrote this comment because I wasn’t sure if you were maybe pushing the limits. All I will say is be very careful with this subject and tread lightly. Also, I think your warning splash at the beginning might need to be emphasized a lot more now that I’ve seen some of the content. This is definitely not starting out as a story for everyone, and so you probably want to drill that in at the beginning so for readers who might find this triggering will know what to expect.

  • So I’m hoping that you’re not setting this up to be some love story between Scarlet and Jason… By his inner thoughts, I’m guessing he’s supposed to come across as not being as into this whole business as his brother…? But just please don’t have this be a romance! That would actually be breaking guidelines, I’m pretty sure, since it would be romanticizing the black market and sex trafficking.

  • Dave says “I can pay your father enough money if I take advantage of you”. Should it be carer or legal guardian since it was only her foster dad?

  • If you read my OP, you probably know I’m going to tell you not to have the author note there at the end. A simple “here’s where you can follow me and let me know what you think in the fanmail” would have been just fine, if you want to leave it short and sweet.

  • I think there was a glitch in the car scene because Jason and Scarlet all of a sudden disappear, then I can see one of their hands sticking out from the left so I think they moved zones?

  • I know it’s just a dressing game, but considering the tone of the story, “admire” probably is not the best animation to use for the outfit previews.

  • I enjoy your choices on whether we should feel like we can trust certain characters. Even if I’m not influencing the story, it still feels like I’m getting to form Scarlet’s opinions on things.

  • I think I’m just really struggling to connect to Scarlet. If I imagine myself in her shoes, I’d have so many more questions for all of them instead of just befriending Lola. Like Scarlet says “you’ve been the nicest person to me in years” which I guess is true, but doesn’t the nice thing cancel out because Lola’s family literally BOUGHT her? And none of them have explained why, or where she is. They all offer to take her home, but don’t even explain where she is or why…

  • And she hasn’t tried to ask Mary about it either… I think my curiosity would have gotten the better of me in Scarlet’s situation and I would be bugging everyone for answers by now.

  • I like that you used white fade transitions for the dream/nightmare. You may want to also test out some of the filters episode has for the dream/nightmare scene.

  • I really want to hit Jason. “I’m not friendly around new people” UM? He literally bought her and he’s trying to make excuses for not being “friendly”. Please don’t let him be a love interest.

  • I also want to hit their mum. She’s just way too chill for someone who’s children buy people at auctions…

  • Your spot placement in the hide out is perfect.

  • Sometimes when you walk your characters to a particular spot (like to the couch in the library) they move very quickly. Try adding in the seconds (@SCARLET walks to spot XYZ in S) so that it looks more naturally timed.

  • Ok, I admit you’ve got me intrigued with the Smiths’ family now. I’m going to guess a rival gang maybe?

  • I like that the gang sort of has their own uniforms. It actually took me a while to click on to this.

  • …So I know they bought Scarlet and all, but if they were offering to take her back to her family before, why aren’t they offering to set her free now that she’s turning 18?

  • Ooh my guess was right about Dexter Smith.

  • Ok, possibly my favourite scene so far was Jason and his mum talking about whether it’s possible for him to care more about the gang. I would have loved to have seen this go on longer. It was like the perfect mother-son dialogue and really represented their relationship.

  • Aw you rejected a choice. When Jason offered Scarlet his jacket, I chose no, but he still have it to her anyway. I don’t like when a story rejects what the reader chose, because it kind of makes the choice seem pointless. I can only think that for some reason the jacket is needed to be worn by Scarlet for something significant now.

  • The day she fell in love? Noooooooo I still don’t want her to love Jason!

  • Right, even though I still don’t like Jason, I’m glad he acknowledges how wrong it was to “set them up”. Admitting it is good! I wish the other characters were as woke as him haha

  • Another great mother and son talk. I still don’t like him though. I see you trying to make him the good guy, but I’m still not on board. (Also I’m just remembering now that we still don’t know what they usually buy girls from the auction for…!)

  • This is just me being picky, but instead of saying someone took over her file, it should be she got a new case worker. I’m also happy to see that someone else noticed how strange seven different foster families is hahahaha

  • I’m glad to see Scarlet’s finally asking some questions, like about the uniform and body guards. Better late than never.

  • Aw, I wasn’t expecting that from Nina the bodyguard.

  • When Scarlet looks around the ball, it might look better to have the other characters dancing or talking?

  • Oh, they’re waiting for Jason and Scarlet to start? Ok…

  • I actually forgot that those girls were the ones from the beginning (I read the first episode like 3 days ago). I like that, I like that they come back now, so that they weren’t just pointless at the beginning.

  • Nope nope nope. I am not liking how Lola is explaining why they buy girls. Sorry but just no. I don’t like how it’s trying to make them look like a “good” gang. Like they’re still a gang! And if they’re buying girls only to set them free, then are they really the most dangerous gang around? Probably not. I don’t think you can ever win me over to like this gang haha.

  • Your shoutouts at the end are pretty cute.

  • I do sort of have to ask, if the gang doesn’t deal drugs and such, what makes them a gang? And what makes them the most dangerous gang? I should have probably mentioned this earlier, but I work with someone who’s like properly in an actual gang, so I know a lot about them (well, I know a lot about his gang to be specific), so I am kind of particular about the finer details with things like this. I don’t want to just be told they’re dangerous, I want to find out that they actually ARE.

  • Not sure if you meant to do this, but Jason is still in his suit in episode 11.

  • Once they’re back in the gang hideout, the panning back and forth between zone 1 and 2 gets a bit tedious. After two or three pans, maybe just use cuts to zone # .

Ok, so gang stories have never really been my thing, so I’m probably not the best reviewer for your story to start off with because I’m bias. What I will say is that this whole human auction thing is a very sensitive subject, and I think that’s my biggest issue with this story. Without the auction, I could maybe be more invested. Also I’m pretty sure there was a really popular story that got banned because of having a human auction. You need to tread lightly, because having Scarlet end up loving the family that bought her is almost like romanticizing it (which is what I mentioned before with the guidelines). To avoid this, I really think you’re going to need extra scenes. Sometimes it felt like Scarlet didn’t care that they bought her and she was happy to just roam the house and cook food and what not - this is why in one of the earlier episodes, you really need to have her demand answers or get frustrated that she has no idea what’s going on. Even if her life in foster care was awful, she shouldn’t be so relieved that a nice gang family bought her. You have got to put yourself in her shoes and think how you would react if you were in her position. Maybe you could also ask some friends and family these questions too, so you can write in the most realistic response. I just think overall you need to take more time to build up the friendship between Scarlet and the family. Slow down the pace a bit more.

In terms of directing, where I can be unbiased, I don’t think I saw many errors, though I would recommend adding and switching up your zooms from time to time. I only noticed you used zooms twice. Once on Jason outside of the house when Scarlet was checking him out and on Scarlet
when they’re about to go on their sate. It doesn’t have to be anything too fancy if you’re still learning, but sometimes close up shots suit the theme of the scene. It’s a good bridging point to start off with if you want to eventually learn how to do advanced directing. I’d also like to say your episode length was perfect! I never once felt like I’d wasted a pass.


#304

Thanks for this review! I really appreciate the feedback.

Really? I think it’s different in my country because I know a few cases when they didn’t do anything because they thought it was just a joke. But I’ll think about including this in a later episode.

With those choices you really influence the story, I’m using a point system with those choices and weather you chose to trust her or not, you’ll unlock different scenes later.

Because they found out there was something wrong with her case at the foster care system.

It didn’t say who or what she fell in love with :wink: But honestly, there will be more romance with Jason but also a choice to go a totally different way and find new people.

There’ll be a backstory about Jason’s father which will explain why they are said to be the most dangerous gang.

Thanks for telling me, I didn’t notice that!

I did and they told me they would react the same way because they would have learned to not ask questions and just do what’s expected from them. But I’ll think about what you said and see how I can make it better.

Thanks again for reading and giving me great advice! It really helps me improve!