Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

amberose · September 24, 2018, 1:14am

@mystique_writer Teacher or Queen? continuation

Sorry it took me a little while to get back to this! Since now you have 5 episodes, I’m just going to go from 3-5…

I’m a little confused at why there was a whole scene with the barista if the meeting’s location was going to be changed anyway…
Ok, so I got a phone call when the interview was starting, so when I open the app back up, now Darja and Daniel are in the wrong zone… Not sure if it’s just a glitch because I answered my phone…
Well now after the zoom in, they’ve moved back to their spots…
It feels kinda random that Darja goes with him to the lake.
Theo needs to be scaled a wee bit smaller when he’s on that island bit.
Feels even more random for Darja to be there now that Daniel’s whole family is there…
I love the promise of an explanation in the next episode because I am still terribly confused… That’s Darja’s son now?
Can I just say, I love that she’s reading and sitting on the table? In all the time I’ve been on episode, I’ve never seen them sit like that. It’s refreshing. Looks cool.
Wait, they have their first kiss after A YEAR!? Wow, that’s a long time to wait haha
Your zooms on the 5th flashback were fantastic. Great directing there.
When young Daniel says “that was awesome” after they do it, young Darja, is still doing the kiss dip animation so it looks kinda weeird. Make sure you have her doing like shiftweight or idle animation instead.
Together almost three years and never used protection?! Gah, this annoys me to no end! Please edit this some way. It might sound silly, but if younger readers are reading this, they might get the impression that they don’t need protection, when it’s actually super important!
So the flashback episode was very long - though I don’t think you need to be sorry about that, no one is going to complain that it’s longer than usual - but it felt a little rushed at the end. After Darja almost dying, it felt like it was on fast forward. the first 2 flashbacks I was still confused at, but now at the end of the episode I feel like I understand a lot more.
There’s a few layering issues in the garden scene, mostly in zone 3 with the tree that looks like it should be in front but isn’t.
The choice to pick the students’ personality is interesting. I’ve never seen that before. Very good job.
I don’t have much to add for episode 5 - with the choices for which student to pick and what not, it made the whole episode a decent length, so nice job. I definitely have a better understanding of the whole Teacher or Queen thing now, as that was what really confused me before hahaha

mystique_writer · September 24, 2018, 5:51am

Thank you for reading and sharing your opinion!
I think the wrong zone had to be a glitch but I still looked at that just in case. I also checked the scene in chapter 4 and tried to fix it.
Daniel just wanted to introduce his son to the new teacher because he just a had chance to do it in informal environment and let’s say that it is quite important to him to do it right away. This is something about his personality and the whole character, but as a headmaster, he feels like he has special responsibility toward his son and the relationship between his son and his new teacher. He just want to make sure she knows from the beginning to avoid awkward situations in the future.
I wouldn’t say, I was a long time to wait it was just a natural process and natural transition and it often takes some long time to find to courage to admit the truth. I personally think that hey had enough time during the year to figure everything about their feeling right. For her there were also different factors that she needed tithing of before confessing her love.
That way their decision to never use a protection which to me is completely fine because everyone has the right to choose what they want and how they want to live their life. And mostly they can speak about it… This is just their relationship and their “rules”. Their choice. But fine, I added some line to explain this but I won’t delete it because I think it is also very important thing to show.

Thank you for your thoughts and your tips, it is once gain very helpful

amberose · September 24, 2018, 12:08pm

@pheebsnomenal - Opposite in Harmony

So I’m a little confused to start off with, but in a good kind of way that will make me read on
The first thing I noticed is you haven’t used transitions, which I think if you added them in could really help illustrate that you’re retelling the past.
So I hate author notes, so naturally I’m not really a fan of the author narrating that “this is what happened in the past and now here’s your chance to customize”. I just feel like it ruins the illusion of the story, but if that’s something you’ve continued throughout the story, then it’s probably necessary to keep it.
I do really love how you mess around with the filters
For your extra characters, try changing them from the stock one episode provides to make them unique. Just change a few facial features and/or their default outfits
The easter egg and the backgrounds in the cave were great ways to take advantage of the episode backgrounds and props. You used them for things others wouldn’t even think of! I thought it was clever.
“This is just a leaf” LOL
Ok so in the park, there was a couple of layer issues when people were exiting the screen so just watch for that.
I liked how you used the dirty dancing animations to demonstrate Aimee casting her spell.
Quick question, why is Aimee’s display name “You” ?
I’m actually super into the whole angels topic of this story (I totally wrote a monologue for my year 12 final performance in drama all about angels, so yeah), so I always find it interesting to see other people’s take on it. I was not expecting it to start heading in this direction hahaha.
So Aimee has started to blush uncontrollably now… Does that mean she’s attracted to the demon brothers? Because she’s never really said anything to make me think so.
Previously I mentioned liking the dirty dancing animation being used to preform “powers” but with the brother fight in the rain, it’s getting a bit confusing and the characters seem to be moving to their spots in an awkwardly fast way.
A few of your choices so far have made me feel like they might have had huge impacts on the story! It’s actually made me wonder what would have happened if I’d chosen the other thing. Especially now, when I’ve decided to save the brother instead of follow him. Since Aimee’s still blushing, I’d say she is attracted to these demon brother’s, yeah?
It’s really bothering me that there’s no transitions… I know it might seem small, but a simple fade in and fade out makes a big difference.
The scene with the goblins- I found Aimee was scaled a bit too big, especially when she was searching the area. Then when the goblins entered, then went from really big to miniature. Might be better to spot them off screen and then walk to spot instead of entering if you want them to be small the entire time.
When Devin and Aimee are lying down, make sure Aimee is at layer 2 and Devin is at layer 1
Even though you haven’t been using transitions between scenes, using the filters and fading in and out of that when the characters are changing their clothes looks so cool.
I think the Grave vs Danny vs Aimee has been the best fight scene yet.
Nice improvisation for the menus.
Omg! Drama. All these Angels and Demons are about to fight. (btw, I think I see you -the author- as a devil, and you’re actually at the wrong layers hehe)
When Devin and Aimie leave the restaurant, there was a kind of delay where there was only the background visible and then they popped in to the screen. Make sure when you set the scene you have “&” commands instead of “@” so that they will start in the scene automatically.
Woah! She thinks she’s in love with Devin?! I mean, I know my choices lead her down this path, but wow. I still didn’t expect that.
Lol at Hannah fainting! Hahahaha.
Episode 6 felt shorter than normal. Nothing wrong with that. Just an observation
Ooh! Hannah reappears. I like her and Danny together. They’re cute.
Be careful with your layers. Unknown just ran in-between the tape overlay and Hannah. It sorts ruins the illusion.
I just realised you don’t have your story title on your covers… Was there a reason you left it off? I just think it would be handy since I keep forgetting the name of this story as I’m reading it.
BRUCE MARS
As soon as I saw “body expansion” I knew what was coming, but that kick was perfectly times too. Nice job.
Omg that cliff hanger at the end of episode 8 is PURE EVIL… And I literally just ran out of passes too so now I have to wait.
Ace??? Wtf? I mean, I knew it was someone blonde, and I had slightly wondered why Aimie was going out dancing when she probably should have been more concerned about where her brother had disappeared too… Damn, I should have out these clues together myself. Ugh!

Ok, so I’ve reached the end. Just to summarize a few things you might want to fix up: add in transitions between scenes (especially if it’s changing to a new day), be wary of your characters and overlays’ layers and consider spotting character off screen instead of using the “enter” and “exit” commands to avoid them from growing and shrinking when they’re not supposed to.

amberose · September 24, 2018, 12:31pm

You know what, I think as a read on it made sense now for Daniel’s character. I think it was just at first I found it odd to do the whole introduction since I was still learning his characteristics.
And I also think after you explain it, considering she’s next in line for the throne, I suppose she would have to go at a slower pace compared to say, us commoners hahaha.
Though I’m still going to stick by my thing about protection. Idk how it makes sense for them to not use it at least once for three years! The thing about it being their choice or their rules is kind of what throws me. Can you explain what you mean a bit more so I can understand and possibly help you re-word it so that it doesn’t give the young ones on the app the wrong ideas?
And actually I can’t remember, did you say this was set in modern times? If it’s modern times, then I think they would use protection because it’s so heavily encouraged nowadays, especially amongst young adults, to use protection. If it’s in older times, well, depending on how far back, protection wouldn’t have existed anyway.
At the end of the day, it’s your story so if you have a plan for this “no protection” thing that means you can’t cut it out or change it, then you can leave it the way it is. But I just think for a princess, it would seem kind of reckless to not use protection.

And you’re welcome, glad I could help… (even if one of my pointers was just from a glitch on my phone this time around hahaha)

Days · September 24, 2018, 5:01pm

Hey Amber!

Just to let you know,

I have revamped my story a bit and made Tristan’s encounter a bit more lusty than before haha

amberose · September 24, 2018, 7:50pm

Ooooh

jlouise · September 25, 2018, 1:17pm

Hi

If you could read mine to?

Jlouise xx

https://forums.episodeinteractive.com/t/new-story-released-http-episodeinteractive-com-s-5219624548171776

amandeep · October 3, 2018, 3:22pm

Hi Amber I’ve been reading one of the boys lately, I love it! Just a suggestion, is it possible you can redo lip colour recustomization? After the skin update, the lip colours don’t seem to match the skin as well. Thanks! Again I love your story.

amberose · October 3, 2018, 11:24pm

@Jurevicha - Midnight Memories

Well, if you’ve read my OP and some of the other reviews I’ve done here, you can guess what I’m about to say - the author note! If you really must address the audience, can I suggest not to list excuses? Don’t tell your readers that English isn’t your first language and don’t tell them there’s no advance directing. It sounds like you’re putting down your story. Instead, skip it all together. Maybe do some splashes or a moving intro of sorts? An author’s note is really not needed anyway.
Ok, so I’m fine with limited CC but you say you recommend for people to leave it on the gold choices anyway? To me, that sort of defeats the purpose. Sure there are some annoying people who refuse to read unless there’s CC, but if you envision your story with certain characters, I say leave it and don’t even offer CC.
My final note on the first episode is… Well, the fact that your first episode was just that. An author’s note and limited CC (that you don’t even sound keen on including) is not the best way to draw your readers in. Can I ask why you didn’t also include some of the storyline in the first episode?
With the characters introductions, it does get a bit tedious to have them all explained in one conversation. Then when we’re taking to the cafeteria, Ayla can already tell who is who? I think either introducing them at the cafeteria or maybe having Naomi show “photos” of them (you could just use screenshots for this or the overlays that episode provides) would keep the story’s pace moving.
What? Who hates flashbacks? Also, who cares if someone doesn’t like a flashback? It’s your story.
In the flashback, be wary of your BG characters. One of them is at the wrong layer so their arm is covering someone else’s. Also consider changing up their style? A few of them just look too much like the default characters. It only takes a few seconds to change some of the features to make them look brand new.
Lilly’s layer! She needs to be a higher number than Ayla since she’s in front.
Ok, so I felt the flashback ended up relying a bit too much on narration. It didn’t really grip me and it was just a lot of info in one go. Ayla went from dork to bully to anorexic to bullied dork again.
Don’t forget to animate your BG characters. Looping animations are great for this.
So I read anorexic in your story’s description and I was wondering how you would incorporate it in… The thing is you didn’t have the best trigger warning for it in your actual story. You had the generic splash, but possibly should add a little something before it goes into that scene too. Or maybe even an choice to skip.
If I’m completely brutally honest, I really wasn’t happy with how you approached the eating disorder in your story. Mental health is always hard to include in stories because it’s so sensitive for some people. Unfortunately, not everyone will agree with how authors decide to portray it, and for you… I am one of those people. It’s just a personal subject for me, so I am particular with how it is represented and honestly I usually choose to pass on stories like this because I know I will just get frustrated with them. (Sorry). That’s not to say all people will disagree with your portrayal, it’s just what your story describes is very different to my IRL-not-episode-story/experiences with this.
If you want my advice on how you could better approach the subject, try not making the eating disorder all about the boyfriend. In fact, you could cut out a lot of the bullying parts of the flashback and instead show how much pressure Ayla was under to keep up her popularity, to do well on the swim team, and show how everyone feared her so she started to feel like she didn’t have any real friends… and then the constant teasing from her boyfriend could be like the straw that broke the camels back…
I’ve been noticing you haven’t been using too many zooms. It’s handy to add them in scenes where you have one character talking, and another just standing there listening, because you can zoom in on the talking one so that your readers won’t get distracted by the listening one who’s kind of frozen.
Nothing major, but including in the choice which one is longer/better kind of defeats the purpose. Why don’t you let your readers be surprised?
Your layers were wrong when Ayla went to kiss Kyle…
Check out this guide to help you with layers, since it seems to be a reoccurring thing.
I’m in the middle of episode 5 now, and I’m noticing your directing is getting more advanced. You’ve added pans and zooms. Maybe consider adding them to your first three episodes and then you can take out your disclaimer at the beginning about basic directing hehe
Episode 6 in the cafeteria, a weird thing happened with all your characters popping in one by one… Just check your script to see if your coding is all good… It happened both times that background was used.
I’m really confused at what’s happening in the girl’s bedroom - It looks strange that Ayla isn’t facing rear and there’s a few layers that have gotten mixed up.
Another thing with the author’s note… It’s great that your directing is getting better, but if that’s the case and you think the directing isn’t as good in earlier episodes, why not go back once you’ve learned how to do new directing tricks? I still do that with my old stories and spruce them up whenever I have discovered I can now code something a lot cooler haha. Adding some things in now will help draw in more readers and make them want to continue.
I just got a weird feeling that Kyle might actually be someone famous… A singer perhaps? There’s been a few Shawn Mendes song references…
In the movies, it gets a little dizzy with the panning back and forth. After the first 2 or 3 times, it would look better just to cut back and forth instead. Same in the next scene with the car.
So Ayla wakes up wearing different clothes the next day… Just check your if/else coding and gains. There might be a simple typo.
The 10 second kiss … um is Kevin supposed to be wearing the swimmers? I’m guessing he was used in the flashback scene by the pool and you forgot to change him back?
The only issue I have with Miles liking her for two years is… Aren’t they on rehab? Does that mean they’ve been struggling with ED for two years with no improvement? Or did they know each other before? Or what? What’s their backstory?
I really like how your outfit choices have been broken up into three styles: sporty, casual or classy.
When we did CC for Naomi, her lips were covered by the other options so I couldn’t see what colour I was picking for her when it was the bright colours tab
I’m a little unclear why her ex was specifically at the dance… America was explained, but isn’t she in rehab?
Not a fan of the slight slut shaming during two truths and a lie. That could have been a good opportunity to point out the double standards in that guys are “players” while girls are “hoes”… But instead Ayla just rolled with it? Annoyed especially at the way Kyle seemed like he didn’t want that truth to be a truth either. Like he’s one to judge.
Look who wants to say hi? AHAHAHAHA Perfect animation for it too lol
I meant to write this down but forgot at the time… So a couple episodes ago (I’m up to 13 now) in your author note you said sorry if you don’t like it because they were just talking? Look, if you’re going to do an author’s note DON’T put down your story. You should be proud of what you’re publishing and not worrying about what her people won’t like it just because it’s talking. All I’m saying is don’t worry about these kind of author notes! They make it sound like you don’t believe in yourself.
This is me being extra picky, but Kyle takes off her shoes and then when she’s walking I can see she’s still wearing them
Also, I’m wondering where this is going now. Past three episodes they have been pretty loved up… I still remember in one of the earlier episodes he alluded to the fact he was hiding something … I’m waiting for that to come back around…
I found it so weird that Ayla was angry at Kyle for stopping her from kissing what’s-his-face. Like it was Kyle’s birthday and she kissed someone else, and then she was mad at him? But he had every right to stop them. It was his birthday!!!
So I wasn’t going to say anything about the oral scene because I figured it was vague enough that it would go over most people’s heads and it was kind of funny. (I laughed so much at his comments about finishing his meal, etc.) But when Ayla was doing it and the blankets came down to show where her head was at… that was probably too far…
For reference, here’s what you’re allowed to do according to the guidelines that
I found on forums:

In saying that, I’ve also read somewhere (but I can’t find it at the moment) that your characters can be kissing on screen then strip down, then you can do a fade out so your readers can assume what happened… and then once you fade back in, they can make small referenced to it (eg. “that was amazing”) but you can’t be explicit (eg. the way you [ate your meal] during sex was so good!)… And in saying that again, featured stories tend to go beyond that nowadays too, so it’s a bit of a grey area. But maybe just keep this in the back of your mind, since people could report your story for this EVEN THOUGH featured stories have been worse… I think that you should maybe not have the blanket reveal where Ayla’s head is at though. Everything else shouldn’t be a problem for others in my opinion - still reportable, but nothing that will get your story removed, just something that Episode might message you and ask you to change.

So I quite enjoyed your story if I looked past the rehab element to it… which was just something I had to do, because the way you represented it doesn’t match my experience and my truth. Sorry I hope you understand that. I’m sure other people may like your portrayal and relate to it, but I guess everyone’s experience is different, so if this is something you’ve gone through and this is your truth, then don’t take my words to heart, since we both must just have different experiences. However if this is not something you’ve gone through and you want to change it to be more realistic, feel free to ask me questions and I can share my experiences

In terms of the romance, I liked our two main characters and how their relationship developed slowly! That was great to see. For your directing, your biggest and only real issue is the layers! It was more problematic in the first half of chapters, but I did notice a few minor slip up with layers in some of the later episodes too

amberose · October 3, 2018, 11:41pm

Lol, thanks. I’m glad you’re enjoying it and yeah, I’m sure I can incorporate that in easy enough Thanks for the suggestion

Jurevicha · October 4, 2018, 4:29am

Thank you very much!
I’ll use your advice and I was thinking a lot that there are a lot of things that I should’ve excluded and more things that I should’ve included, because when I read my own story it really didn’t seem right.
You were saying a lot of things that I was thinking of too, thanks you!
About the layers, I already went back and tried to fix all of them, but no matter what they still don’t work.
I was planning to do a revamp, but right now I’m struggling to find time for anything…
Thank you very much, one more time!

amberose · October 4, 2018, 4:31am

Awesome, glad I could be of help.
Layers are one of my biggest stresses with Episode too, so I understand your frustration there. Probably once you find time for the revamp, you’ll have an easier time sorting out those layer though

pheebsnomenal · October 7, 2018, 4:32am

Haha! thanks alot! when I first started the story, I couldn’t figure out how to let the readers choose their own name. So I came up with the name for the main character but I wanted them to feel like it’s them that’s going through all this. I don’t know haha! I will probably change it to just Aimie!
yeah, the choices actually have different story line to them. But not a lot haha! I kind of wanted to give off that vibe that you feel like you missed something important if you choose to do something differently! Just like real life how things turn out differently base on your choices.
Omg, I struggled so hard on the transition so I just quit using it ahaha! I know it’s a small thing but it can be quite a challenge for me while I write lol
But thank you SOOOO MUCH for doing this again!!! I will totally going through everything you said and fix my story! I wanna make it perfect for my readers and to be honest, myself. It feels good to get compliments on something you work so hard on you know
Your review is the best thing ever lol! xoxoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Sunset_Shimmer · October 7, 2018, 6:37pm

Hi!
Do you also review unpublished stories?

amberose · October 7, 2018, 8:45pm

Aw, I’m so glad to hear this, and I hope I’ve been able to help.
That’s a nice trick with your choices, because I definitely felt they had more of an impact than they probably did.

amberose · October 7, 2018, 8:46pm

Yeah, just send me through the link (though I’m still catching up, so I might take a while. The next few stories on the wait list have a fair amount of episodes already)

Sunset_Shimmer · October 7, 2018, 9:08pm

That’s fine. I’m in no rush lol.
EDIT: I took down the link since I’m close to publishing it and I kind of don’t want anyone to take the idea lol.
And here’s my little homemade cover

Title: The Story of Avalon
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Author: LynnTheAngel
Episodes: 2
Description: The prince is on a journey to rescue his beloved Marabella after she is taken. On the way, he’ll team up with a pirate, genie and fairy. Leaving him to wonder who is his true love?

One the second episode I know it still says “Episode 1” lol. It’s a reminder to me to create a new splash before I publish it.
Can you point out any grammar mistakes you find? Also, I may tend to use the words ‘Of course’, ‘But’, ‘And’, and ‘However’ a lot.

Thanks!

amberose · October 8, 2018, 12:25pm

@sofia123 - Search for love

My first thoughts were “noooo this looks like a gang story”… but then one of your splashes had a cop uniform so now I have hope lol.
I loved your intro. Like seriously! If you’ve stalked this thread a bit, you’d know I always take the intro as a sign of how the rest of the story will be. So in your case, you’ve done something different with your zooms, got great use of overlays and weather effects and done a lot of “show don’t tell” to set the scene and I really love that. It doesn’t start off basic is what I’m trying to say! Haha
So at the crime scene (which has the perfect amount of BG characters btw) the crime scene tape overlay looks MASSIVE once you zoom in on the victims’ family.
Were Noah and Nicole the ones in the wedding scene? Hmm… Going out on a limb here and predicting that the wedding scene isn’t a real wedding, it’s a fake one to lure a murderer or something. I probs should not be guessing this early on but I can’t help it with stories like this.
Typo? “In these two mouths we suffer from big crimes…”
I’m not sure if men and women would both be kept together in jail, even though they’re not in the same cell, they still wouldn’t be around each other.
I’m guessing English is not your first language? There’s a few sentences that don’t have the correct punctuation and a couple of wordings are off, but they’re all really minor things anyway! The two I’ve seen so far that you might want to change though:
“turn off your cigarette” should be “put out your cigarette” and the choice “I don’t make deals with persons like you!” should be “I don’t make deals with people like you.”
Characters are a scaled a bit too big when they’re in their cars during the chase… But I loved the side view of the cars and seeing how close they kept getting
Your TV overlay with the news reporter doesn’t seems to be aligned just right.
The wording of this choice to tell her father should look more like this:
Should I talk about this discussion with my father?
“Yes, he has to know about this.”
“No, he doesn’t”
So when Nicole speaks to her dad and she has a flashback to the deal, I never asked Inmate Scott what kind of deal… So the flashback is a little off, but it also doesn’t matter because even though I made another choice, I did find out what deal anyway.
Ooooh I had a feeling her parents were going to set her up Noah, but I’m really curious as to why…
I thought that was a prefect episode 1 - you set everything up really well.
Hate the author note at the end, but that’s just because I hate all author notes. I will say though, I don’t understand what the point of CC at the end was? I’d prefer it without, especially since you seem to have a certain look for Nicole anyway.
Woah! Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like the child abuser, but he got shot in front of a kid! Poor girl will be traumatized.
I want to know how long Ryan was in jail for, because Laura is saying he visits every week?
Ooh and now we get to meet Natalya - did not see that coming hahaha
Nice cliff hanger for the end of episode 2.
Oh so Laura is also sleeping with one of the gang members? Hmm… I wasn’t as impressed with this one as I was with Natalya’s reveal.
SO I “risked it and took Ryan home” because I wanted to see the obvious “bad” choice. I wouldn’t make one of the choices gold if I were you because it’s showing the good choice and the bad choice Why not let your readers be surprised?
And I end up at Natalya’s anyway? Ok…
Actually… Why hasn’t Nicole arrested him yet? I know he saved her life… But still…
I loved the scene where Noah is interrogating Logan. The directing and overlays were amazing.
Your author note at the end of episode 3 is unimportant now that you have 14 episodes published haha
So I feel like the only reason she isn’t arresting Ryan is because of her friends? But her friends aren’t dating him. She could still put him in jail and they’d be fine with it. It’s actually making her a bit of a crooked cop to not turn him in.
Oooh that thing you did with the cigarette falling looked cool. Well actually most of your directing has been cool come to think of it.
OMG! Noah being evil… I feel like I should have guessed that, but I just thought he was some love sick puppy.
The dad’s response to Noah saying he had real feelings for Nicole was priceless.
Something really annoys me about Ryan showing up to save Nicole from those two guys. Like she’s a cop, she shouldn’t need saving from a gang leader.
You know what, your directing is just, like, it’s CLEVER. The arm overlay when Ryan’s about to kiss her is one thing, but I can see the tiniest bit of a phone over Nicole’s shoulder, so I can see you’ve used some phone holding animation to make it look like he’s staring intently at her. It’s genius.
And the arms overlays during the kiss were perfect.
I like how Robbert died… Is that weird? Like how you changed the shirt so it looked bloody.
Oh no! Not William now
Do her friends not care that Nicole is a police officer and Ryan’s a criminal? Why are they saying they’re perfect for each other?
Oh thank god Nicole has some sense to remember he’s a criminal at least!
I’m making all my choices that matter lead Nicole to Noah… Interested to see what will happen there…
There was a small layering issue with the guy who planted the bomb when he was running away.
When Noah goes to the room Nicole’s being held in, I think it’s a bit weird he asks permission to come in. He’s the boss and she’s technically a hostage, so… Yeah…
I am happy that Nicole brings up the fact that her parents died so she doesn’t want to get married the next day. A lot of people sometimes forget to show MC grieve over deaths, especially on episode, so I’m glad you included it.
When the TV announcement says Noah is a famous police officer, exactly what is it that makes him a famous police officer?
What?!!! They’re brothers?? Noah and Ryan are brothers? But how did this remain a secret? And isn’t Ryan also Dylan?
Ok, on to season 2 now and I’d suggest that for the over the shoulder shots, you change zones when switching. At the moment I can see the zooms are the same, so it doesn’t look like the camera angle is changing, but rather Nicole and Noah look like they’re jumping back and forth.
Hold on just a minute… Is the mum in hospital actually an overlay? If so, that is soooo smart
Here’s something I never thought I would say: I LOVE how you killed the mum. When she closed her eyes, I was like ok she’s dead, but then you panned over to the monitor and I was amazed! Nice detail.
Ooh ooh ooh the grave scene with the ghosts of the parents. Loved it!
I was kind of shocked Noah shot his dad, but at the same time it totally made sense and had to happen.
I’ve been wondering for a while now… What happened to Nicole’s job?
Well, I must say I’m surprised that I’m 13 episodes in and our two stars have only actually kissed once! Even though I’m not a fan of gang stories, I can appreciate that you’re actually taking the time to develop their relationship. (Also Natalya and Dylan are my favourite couple out of them all, just thought you should know)
Omg when they’re sleeping and you have the arm animation to move the same pace as her breathing! Like holy cow! You really pay attention to small details.
Do my eyes deceive me? Did I just see some bimbo named Rose Amber who actually turns out to look exactly like me?!
This is really trippy. It’s my username, but also different hahaha.
Geez! Nicole’s being meaner to Ryan now more than when she was supposed to be arresting him.
Oooh that hand on the hip!
I liked your balcony background.
Rose Amber going to see Noah actually didn’t surprise me, I had a feeling she’d be evil in more ways than one

Right, so… overall I’m sure you can tell I was amazed by your directing! There were a few things here and there, but nothing big enough to take away from the advanced directing you’ve done flawlessly. (Plus the small things I have mentioned so you can fix them easily enough)
There was something else that I noticed overall too- you didn’t have any POC… not sure if there was a reason for this (other than the overlays for your main characters), but it just felt like you were using the same three skin tones for everyone.
I mentioned before I didn’t think English was your first language, and I checked out your fanmail and saw you told one of your readers the same thing. So I first want to say thanks for not using your author’s not to apologize about it not being your first language, because it’s actually so impressive you can write a 14+ episode story in a language that isn’t your first.
So what I wanted to say on this was, even though there was quite a few English, grammar and punctuation errors, it didn’t make it hard for me to understand what you meant. Most of the time it was things like a mix up of past and present tense, or the sentence structure was muddled up. I personally don’t think it’s such a big deal, but if it’s something you want to make perfect, I would suggest looking through the “Find a Writing Partner” section of the forums for an editor. I don’t think it would take someone too long to reword some of the dialogue. Especially because the coding is already done, so they’d only be fixing grammar and punctuation and wouldn’t have to worry about getting script errors.
The last thing I wanted to touch on was just a few little “plot holes” (I don’t think that’s the right word for what I mean, but too lazy to find a better word)… The fact that Nicole never re-arrested Ryan… For this point I’m referring to the middle of season one mostly. The excuse of not wanting to hurt her friends just wasn’t good enough in my eyes. Honestly, just add more on to it… What else could be stopping her from doing her actual job? And speaking of job, seriously, what happened to that?? Did she take time off work after her parents died? Did she quit to join the gang? (The way Ryan speaks, it sounds like he thinks she’s in the gang). Why hasn’t Mr Officer called and asked what happened to Nicole?? These are the questions that haunt me!

sofia123 · October 8, 2018, 12:45pm

Yeah, English isn’t my first language! And if you dont really like my story you didn’t have to continue it!!! It’s not a gang story!!! Nicole is between two different positions and she choose what she thinks right!
After her parents death, Ryan came and saved her from Noah’s madness and after that Noah looking for her, he wants her back!!! So she is trying to hide from him!!! SO YEAH SHE ALL THE THINGS BEHIND , SHE LEFT HER LIFE BEHIND , SHE IS TRYING TO SURVIVE FROM THIS TOXIC SOLUTION!!! ALL OF THEM LEFT THEIR LIFES BEHIND!!! Just understand the meaning of my story, my messages, my values and all of these I want to passed to you!!!

That’s all!!!
Thanks for the review…

amberose · October 8, 2018, 12:47pm

Uh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset or offend you or your story… and I thought it became a little obvious that the more I read the story the more I ended up enjoying it