Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories


#345

Hey don’t apologize! That’s the point of reviews, you’re supposed to give your honest feedback and that’s exactly what you did. Maybe some people might be upset but they should that know before they request a story review there’s always a possibility they won’t like some of the things they read :black_heart:

P.S This thread is about your live thoughts on their stories, not theirs : )

Much love :heart:


#346

Yeah, I know it’s okay! But you have to understand some things…


#347

I guess that was then why I included them in my points though… If I didn’t understand some things, then that might mean other people won’t either, so it might help you with some ideas of what to add in?

But it’s totally up to you what you take from my review at the end of the day. You don’t have to change or add anything extra if you’re happy with it :v:


#348

Hey, I don’t know if you’re still taking request but I would love a review on my story.:slight_smile:
Here’s the details to my story:

Author: S_Unique

Title: The Four Horsemen

Genre: Fantasy

Style: Ink

Description: 4 Sins. 4 Angels fell. 4 Horsemen rose. A curse was casted. And the battle of good vs evil is about to begin. CC/ Choices matter

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5482099054608384


#349

Sure am. (I’ve seen your story floating around, was wondering if you’d ever request hehe)


#350

You’re review in my first story Shattered Souls helped me a lot so I though Why not ask for this one to?!:joy::joy::joy:


#351

Hahah yeah I remember that one :laughing: Return customer woop woop!


#352

I hope the directing in this one is a little better :sweat_smile::laughing:


#353

@KateB_episode Coincidence or Destiny?

  • Ack, no!!! Not an author’s note. Please babe, don’t apologize for English not being your first language. It makes it seem like you’re trying to deter your readers away before they’ve even started. You should be like “Yes, English isn’t my first language yet I still managed to write and code a whole story”. Own it.!

  • Also I just realised that since you’ve posted here, you’ve literally doubled in episodes so now I feel bad it’s taken me so long but also I’m impressed. 7 episodes in 29 days!!

  • I’m noticing you stick to the default positions for you placements, like screen right, upscreen left, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that, but for the concert scene, since there’s a crowd in the background, it might be better to spot place them to look like they’re standing with the crowd and then zoom in.

  • So I’m a little confused with Alex… I thought by the way Aurora treated him at the concert, that he was some stalker, but then she explains him to Brandon and says he’s “just a friend” but also a “jerk”. So how does she really feel about him?

  • Also with Brandon and their arguments over the Summer… That was never really spoken of in episode one. I’ve noticed your episodes are rather short and so to fix that you could maybe add in more scenes that would provide context later - like maybe show that Brandon ditched Aurora for sport and show that all Aurora likes it stuff like concerts, so then in Episode 2 your readers now how disappointing his offer of game tickets is?

  • So occasionally it looks like your characters are frozen in a weird position because of the end of their last animation. The two things I would recommend to combat this:

  1. Use your zooms - only have a close up on the person who is talking so that your readers don’t see the other characters at all.
  2. Use & symbol. For example:
    &BRANDON is shiftweight
    AURORA (talk_awkward)
    I need to tell you something
  • In episode 4, your speechbubble’s need resetting, they’re all pointing bottom right corner. Hehe.

  • After the movies, I’ve noticed not every line of dialogue is animated. It’s not a huge issue, but it does look better to do it for every line so that it actually looks like their lips are moving when they’re talking.

  • There’s also been a couple of instances where your transitions get mixed up. Fade out is for the end of a scene and fade in is when it’s at the beginning.

  • So idk what happened, I answered my phone and then when I went back to the app, the zoom was stuck so I couldn’t see half the characters - I’m thinking it was a glitch because I re-entered the app, but just check in case.

  • In the scene where Debby tells Brandon, when you pan to zone 1, there’s two characters who look like they’re dancing half way up the beer kegs. Just spot them lower… (or higher if you want it to look like they’re on top of the beer kegs)

  • Just a suggestion… Don’t offer a choice if there’s only going to be one outcome. I chose to tell Alex to go away, but he stayed to say “one thing” and hugged me… Episode official stories do that all the time where they reject a choice and it’s annoying. I’d rather not have the choice than for my choice to be rejected.

  • I thought of a good comparison for the kind of vibe I get - Disney Channel Original movie! That’s what your story reminds me of. It’s just like kind of light hearted, and even though there’s drama, it’s nothing too heavy or emotional. It’s something I could imagine Selena Gomez starring in back in 2010, if it were a movie.

  • What?! I am shocked at Annie!!! I thought she only did it by accident! But nice plot twist! I wonder if Debby will now be jealous of Annie as well lol

  • Something I really love that you’ve done is not made Brandon a bad boyfriend. Like, yeah he’s obsessed with his spot, but he’s still a good guy. So you’re not making it like you’re forcing us to pick Alex.

  • Episode 10’s cliff hanger has made me ANGRY. Look at the last point I just said. Why did you do this? Whyyyyy? :sob:

  • So far, all your episodes have been pretty short… But 11 felt way way too short.

  • I kinda feel bad now that I said Alex was a stalker at first, since Aurora now thinks she’s in love with him! Lol.

  • Oh, also you’ve used the name Brody twice. That was the name of her ex that also dated Debby.

  • Sometimes your choices start with capital letters and other times, they don’t. It might look better if you kept it consistent .

  • Episode 14 was also really short. Just for a little context, it usually takes me a couple days to a week to write up notes on stories that have 10+ episodes, but I did yours in a day. If you’re not worried about length, then you can disregard this, but if you want to improve that aspect of your story, consider adding in choices that will give readers bonus scenes? Maybe things like a choice to go to the beach or the park and whichever choice the reader picks, there’s either a bonus scene will Alex or maybe Aurora will run into Debby and they would have a bit of an argument? It would just add to the readers experience a bit more and you wouldn’t have to worry about whether they think they’ve wasted a pass because it’s short… (but in saying that, it’s rumored that shorter episodes help with the ranking because people can read faster and boost your retention, so if you want to leave it short, that’s fine too).

  • Oooh, so Annie was double crossing? I have to say that was something I DID NOT see coming. you definitely know how to add some exciting plot twists in.

So I think at the end of this, I’d really just urge you to take out the author notes where you say you’re sorry for english not being your first language, because that’s not something you need to be sorry about and also, you barely had any grammar or spelling mistakes (just the capital letters with the choices). Finally, maybe add a little more narration from Aurora’s point of view in episode 1… Because I really did the Alex was giving of stalker vibes that whole first episode LOL. So maybe add a bit more about how Aurora found him attractive?

Also, I’m wondering how many episodes you have planned? To me, it actually feels like we’re already close to the end, but maybe you have some plans as well? I’m just curious


#354

Hey! Thanks for reading my story! I hope you liked it. I am working on add some scene because a lot of people told me that my story has a potential but I need to do something more. Thanks for the advice. :kissing_heart:


#355

Awesome!


#356

@Epithet - Subverted

  • That hand on your cover gives me some creepy vibes lol. I like your large cover.

  • I like knowing that there’s going to be important choices in the very first episode.

  • Oooh ash skin tones…

  • I love how you’ve animated the fairies. Must be time consuming though to always spot them.

  • I didn’t get cursed btw, in case you were wondering

  • I liked how you slipped CC in so it felt sort of natural and not random like how I often feel it does in most episode stories.

  • I’m getting very major Sleeping Beauty vibes from this so far haha.

  • After the hug with Maebh, Elowen is still in the hug talk animation. Just add &ELOWEN is idle_shiftweight or something before Maebh’s line to fix that up.

  • I’m liking that you’re giving most choices 3 options. And they don’t feel like pointless choices either.

  • When Elowen walks in on Moiraine and Cyrus and they’re kissing, they’re lips are pretty far away from each other. Just try moving them closer together.

  • Oh shit. Is Moiraine supposed to be with Milo? Did we just walk in on her cheating??? Omg

  • There’s a few speech bubbles you might want to spot because they cover Moiraine’s face.

  • Er, so what happened to Cyrus? :sweat_smile:

  • I am liking that Milo has a signature way of talking and it’s not too hard for readers to understand what the words are that you’ve changed too.

  • I’m not surprised Milo didn’t believe me but gosh, drama queen much? Hahaha

  • So after she meets her mum, they’re talking in the hallway but they’re on a walking loop, yet the background isn’t moving. Looks a little weird.

  • Haha, everyone thinks I’m out to steal their fiances and partners.

  • Ooooh, what a cliff hanger. (Also, is Xavier a love interest?)

  • I loved the scene with all the “commoners” waiting in the line to see king and queen. I bet it was a real bitch to code.

  • What? There’s 6 endings??? Oh no, I better take this more seriously!

  • I’m assuming the king’s brain washing people to keep them happy?

Ok, so I’ve reached the end of the story. I have to say I’m super impressed with the way this story has progressed. It’s evolved in to something so much more than what I thought it would when I started and your story. I really love how you do your choices, they feel important, they’re engaging and you also give a few more options that most people overlook. Great work :smile:


#357

@writingwithjade - Echo Creek

  • I’ve been looking forward to reading this since you requested… Actually I think I had it on my list before you put it here. The cover looks great and the whole vibe (title, story description) just seems very intriguing.

  • I’m about 10 seconds in and all I have to say is WTF?? This is so good… already. Choices that matter, a diverse MC, text effects, overlays… HOW DOES THIS ONLY HAVE 15 READS!? I can already tell this is going to sound more like a promotional ad for you rather than a review…

  • Annnd this is also going to be about conspiracy theories?! Yay. Honestly this is such a refreshing break from some of the other stories that dominate the app.

  • I don’t know if this was supposed to mean anything But Every Word In Your Choice Options Was Written Out Like This With the capital letters. Was there a reason? Is it like a signature thing you do?

  • I really struggled with the item choice. Torn between the map and the torch. In case you were wondering I chose the torch, because I over think things and was worried the map wouldn’t be of an area I needed.

  • Also, how do I pronounce Phyre?

  • HOW DOES THIS ONLY HAVE 15 READS?!

  • I’m not really a fan of author notes because I feel it ruins the illusion of the story, but your FAQ section looked professional enough that I’m not going to comment on it… (whoops, I technically just did)

  • I absolutely adore how interactive this feels! Like the backpack, the fact that I may lose or break the camera. Everything feels so intense I love it… Seriously, how do you only have-- I’m going to stop saying it, but just so you know I’m thinking it.

  • The necklace it something important, right? (As I typed this I see your cover again and now I’m thinking, duh! I should have known that already)

  • I was waiting for Phyre to realise she was asking a green glow things questions. Glad she figured that out on her own. She’s self aware. I like that in an MC

  • Episode 2 feel a lil short in terms of length, but not in terms of content - take of that what you will. Some people might be annoyed at short length, but it’s low-key supposedly a really good tactic because it means people read quicker so it improves your reader retention and thus, your ranking… So :woman_shrugging: Normally, I would encourage you to add more, but like I said, content wise it was fulfilling and would encourage people to read on because it was intriguing.

  • I spot the necklace in the flashback :eyes: I really want to know what the deal is with the necklace now hehe.

  • Ah, god damn! The timed choice scared me, I panicked. I bet I chose the wrong thing. Or… I bet there will be a consequence for my choice let’s just say.

  • I have to say, it’s going to be hard to introduce a love interest that will top Elijah in my opinion… Even though he totally crushed Phyre’s spirit in episode one, I just find him like so, real. Maybe that’s why too. He’s so realistic because even though he already liked Phyre, he still had that talk with her that destroyed everything she ever believed in. Like, not all Love Interests love every single thing about an MC, so it’s nice to see that.

  • Episode 3 was better in length FYI.

  • So this next timed choice, I remained calm and didn’t panic but I still think I chose the wrong thing, wah!

  • I love that you’ve changed the names of hair styles (in the flashback, I don’t think I remember you doing it in the other hair CC bit) - it’s just a little something extra that gives a nice touch.

  • Damn, cliff hanger for episode 4!

So my only real question is how do you only have 15 reads?!! Well, 18 now that I’ve finished… Like, this isn’t really the place for me to get into the politics of Episode (but it’s my thread so I’ll do what I want), but it’s just so annoying to see trending stories with 100000000 reads that don’t go to the effort to code in choices that matter, that don’t have proper representation in their stories, that don’t even use proper spelling and grammar and yet ones like yours just slip under every one’s noses. Expect to see me promote the hell out of this :wink: Please please update soon I really loved it. Best story I’ve read in a while.


#358

AAAA! Thanks so much! I wasn’t expecting such a good review, but I’m so glad you liked it. Also, you pronounce Phyre as fire, it’s Armenian. (Search up the meaning if you want :blush:). Elijah, other than Ben, is probably my favorite character just because he’s really realistic. What do you think of Emily and Jasmin if you don’t mind me asking? The capitilatzation in the choices, well, I just though it looked cool lol. I’m just really happy you liked it! And yes, it may take a while but I will keep working on it.


#359

Hey :slight_smile: Would like a review. Thanks in advance :slight_smile:
Title : Jukebox Hero
Author : Elzbiet Zaleski
Genre : Romance/Comedy
Style : Limelight
Number of episodes : 3 (more episodes coming soon)
Description : What happens when a singer, with a failed career, a rich girl went broke and a whole bunch of school kids mix-up? Chaos, with high hopes, broken hearts, and revelations.
image


#360

You’re welcome? I dunno, I feel like I should be thanking you for writing it lol.
That’s how I was pronouncing it in my head, just looked up the meaning, and… I’m going to take that as maybe a subtle sign as what’s going to happen as the story continues. Hehe. I know only pointed out Elijah in my review, but I did basically love all of your characters, Emily and Jasmin included. Heck, even the background characters at the police station! For real, I think your characterization is great and I love how you haven’t given everyone the typical “pretty” features.

Anyway, I could go on all day. I’m just happy to hear you’ll stick with it and I can’t wait to see what happens next


#361

Thanking me?! LOL that’s a first. But seriously I’m so happy you enjoyed reading what I had so far, I’m just always trying to improve haha. As a person who enjoys a bunch of symbolism, I always end up hiding a lot of clues. Most of them go over people’s heads… I did try to make my characters look more “realistic” and gave them each their own personality. Like Alona, because let’s be honest, she’s a jerk.


#362

Right, well now I’m going to be scanning every new episode for hidden clues :wink: Nah, Alona wasn’t a jerk… Well, I don’t think she was. Just another real character. Can’t wait to learn more about her too


#364

will screenshot when done

jlouise


#365

@jlouise - Emerald Falls

  • So I personally hate author notes, even more so when you start your story off with one. I don’t think it’s really needed to introduce your story and explain that you will be showing your readers the characters in the first episode, etc. It’s probably better to start your story with that first scene and give your readers that element of mystery.

  • When the guy comes in with a gun, place him before you pan to zone 2 (or it might have been zone 3, I wasn’t too sure how many zones in that background). For example
    @GUNGUY stands screen right in zone 3 AND GUNGUY faces left
    @pan to zone 3

  • I feel like the dust_off animation went on for just a second too long in the outfit changes, it’s not really a big deal, just made me feel like I was waiting a while.

  • I like that your MC is a mum! Mum’s are hardly ever the centre of the story, so that’s cool to see.

  • I’m a little confused with the whole shopping saga. It was a lot of different scenes, with only one or two lines then you’d change to the next scene, so it felt really fast-paced. I’m not sure how significant it was, was that just to show Cindy’s day-to-day life? Like to set the scene.

  • Your zooms were a little all over the place in the bar scene to start off with. I’d recommend getting rid of the close ups, and just panning across the zones to show everyone in their places.

  • I was laughing so much at Josie loving bad boys ahahaha. And the mention of her father has me intrigued.

  • I can see a few background characters who look exactly like the default ones. It always looks better to change a few features or their outfits around to make them look unique.

  • Interesting spot to end episode 1. I’m actually what happened to Cindy?

  • In your outfit picking choice in episode 2, outfit 9 doesn’t have any outfits in it, it just leaves Josie in whatever she’s currently wearing.

  • I’m wondering if the mix up in your zooms is there so you can place your characters in the scenes? If this is the case, I’d suggest using & to do all your placements. Eg:
    &DANNY stands screen left AND DANNY faces right
    &JOSIE stands screen center AND JOSIE faces left
    &zoom reset
    It will make your scenes go a lot smoother.

  • Damn, Danny falls in love very quickly! So does Josie! I can tell their relationship will be dramatic. How old is Josie out of curiosity?

  • Yay, Cindy’s back. I no longer have to worry about her.

  • Minor typo: in the kitchen and Heath is trying to woo her, she says she has to much to do. It should be too. Same case when she says “to much information” to Danny at dinner. It should be “too”.

  • I like how you revealed who Josie’s father is. You kept it a mystery, but also not for too long either. Although now I’m thinking that Cindy wasn’t the MC this whole time… So now I have to ask why so much of the first episode was following her around the shops?

  • Ignore earlier question, found out Josie’s age. Lol, 18.

  • I’m actually impressed they have been dating for months without getting caught until now. I also like that even though we didn’t see their whole relationship, that we know it’s now been several months too. So it’s safe to assume they’re probably really in love.

  • Another little typo when Mum is hugging Josie. “So much it hurt.s” I think the full stop slipped in there.

  • Ah, I actually suspected her father was going to have some strange connection to the Black Cobras. I guess it turned out to be the mum.

  • It’s a little too unrealistic for my liking that Karen would be allowed to go with her to Greece.

  • “of-fence” should be “offense”.

  • Wait, back up… She’s pregnant?? Woah… Any particular reason why you didn’t have a scene of her finding out?

  • One of your backgrounds has a MASSIVE watermark in it. You will need to change that ASAP (it was probably approved by accident, but it’s actually against guidelines - considered stealing someone else’s art)

  • The boss says, “Now boys1…” I think the “1” was another typo maybe?

  • I really liked the scene where the dad got shot (weird for me to say that), but idk, just reminded me of like proper assassination plans. Strangely enough, it feels realistic.

  • As I’m waiting for episode 4 to load, I’ve just realised you don’t have any choices (aside from the dressing game). I know there are some people who don’t actually like choices in their stories, but do keep in mind that episode markets themselves as an app where you choose your own story, so it’s probably a good idea to try and incorporate them more. Even if the choices you add don’t affect the story line, it does make your readers feel more involved.

  • I also don’t think thriller is the best genre for this either, it feels more like a drama to me and you’d probably get more reads being in that genre too.

  • Is it just me or was that plane ride a little awkward! Hahahaha, awkward silence.

  • Uh, what’s going on now? Why are we at school? Who are all these people? :persevere:

  • Ah ok, another Black Cobras connection…

  • WAIT! This all just clicked. Omg I feel like such an idiot. This is the parents! This is the earlier generation. Duh!

  • Wow, that just adds a whole new level of drama.

  • I liked how you used the overlay to make it look like they were in the pool.

  • I’m also really liking the fact that Danny wants to turn in his boss. Yay for characters who obey the law… (eventually)

  • When they’re at the police station, move Heath back a few layers so it will look like they’re walking in front of him and not through him.

  • I’ve noticed there’s something you do with your sentence structure, where half way through a sentence, you put it on a new line so it comes after the next tap. It kind of makes the dialogue feel a little unnatural because there’s pauses in between sentences. I’m not sure why you break it up like that, but if you’re worried about having too many words in one speech bubble, I can reassure you that that wouldn’t be the case with your story.

  • I’m just thinking what a dramatic day this is for Amy! Her husband wakes up on the same day she becomes a grnadma! LOL

  • I love the bush overlay you’ve used for Danny to hide in.

  • So Cindy gets dressed in the kitchen in front of her daughter… :flushed: lol

  • I should have said this earlier - I’ve been thinking it for at least four episodes now - but your Boss actually looks hella evil. It’s cool that you’ve pulled that off in such a way.

  • The explosion looked so cool, but sorry I have to be pedantic about using the wrong to/too again. You had “to early”, but it should be “too”.

  • I’m up to episode 10, and after seeing another author’s note from you I also wanted to say that I have noticed gradual improvement with your directing especially. Your zooms and pans feel a lot more advanced, especially in episode 8 and 9. And actually, if you feel confident enough now, you could always revisit your early chapters to add in more advanced directing there too.

  • Witness Protection Program! Genius. And realistic too. I actually thought this story was coming to an end, but now with them moving it feels like it’s only the beginning, so well done.

So that’s brings me to the end of episode 10. As I mentioned before, if you feel more confident with your directing now, your earlier episodes will probably benefit from you going back and editing things to add in what you know now (I’ve done this with my own stories and it feels so much better when you have all your early episodes the same quality as your most recent ones). I’d also suggest just doing a quick proof read over your episodes to weed out those pesky typos. There might have been a few more that I missed mentioning.

Also, I’m not sure what you meant by this:

And this:

Did you reply on the wrong thread? :thinking: