Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

Check out this thread for the lipstick prop (and the coffee cup)

And good luck with getting more reads!

Is mine on the waiting list? Just checking because it’s on the same line as someone else’s. It’s called My Strength x

Thank you so much! On the comment about the theater having too many people I’d like to say that the organization at that point has a few hundred people, should I point that out earlier so it does not confuse the reader?

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Oh whoops yes. My dog walked on my laptop last night and backspaced a few things. I thought I saw them all, but I must have missed that one

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Yeah, have that slip in to someone’s conversation earlier. I knew the organization was big, but I guess I was thinking big in the world of an apocalypse couldn’t really be that big hahaha

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Thanks, I’ll have a look.

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Haha my dog does that too! X

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Ohhh okay lol!

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@dizzydiamond123 - Forbidden Fairytale

Hey Katie (I’m going to call you Katie),

  • Story is off to a great start. Use of alliteration for your title is nice. I like the covers and your opening is all perfect and error free, which is like an omen to say that the rest of your story will (hopefully) be too.
  • I love her mum’s screaming so loud you hear it in space.
  • It’s a little unrealistic that her mother can’t remember where the place is – but I guess episode isn’t about realism…
  • I like that you’ve added a desk overlay to that bedroom… I always feel like use of overlays are a key to know how hard an author worked on their story.
  • I also like that you’ve resized the speechbubble to fit on the phone screen.
  • I’m going to make reference to an episode knitters article… (below for your reference)
    https://episodeknitters.wordpress.com/tips-and-advice/general-advice/realistic-fantasy-why-rules-in-a-fantasy-world-are-necessary/
    Personally, I don’t know too much about writing fantasy, and I know yours is categorized as a romance, buuuuuuttttt I feel like your story starts off high fantasy and has taken a turn to low fantasy - the princess I was introduced to in the beginning now just seems like a bratty teen who gives attitude to her teacher. If you take out the intro, I wouldn’t even guess it’s a fantasy story.
  • This is a minor thing, but I noticed a few characters wearing the default outfits. It’s a small thing, but makes a big difference.
  • The introduction of her boyfriend feels a bit too random to really be a cliff hanger. I think if he was name dropped once or twice before, it would have worked better.
  • I like that you used a filter to show it was a flashback.
  • Ok, so one thing I really liked was the random clothes choice! Because I low-key despise when MC is running late or in a rush, yet she has time to try on 8 outfits and be given an “are you sure” option. So I really like that you skipped that are-you-sure thing.
  • So is Austin being a mind reader going to be talked about at all? Or was that a joke?
  • I thought the same thing about the waiter outfits. Haha :smile:
  • There was a layering issue at the beginning of episode for. Have Austin move to layer 2 and Erin to layer 1
  • Also, just realizing now that there aren’t really many zooms. Zooms and close ups are so underrated but they can really make your story look more advanced.
  • Also the speechbubble is really small in the classrooms scenes, and it doesn’t reset for the rest of the episode either.
  • Surely this is about more than just a pen, right?
  • Sooooo, I’ve reached the end and I have a few final thoughts
  1. I’m a little surprised this hasn’t got many reads, because the writing’s flawless, and directing is near perfect and it’s got a catchy title, nice cover and good description. It basically ticks all the boxes.
  2. But the plot I feel is slightly underdeveloped. I feel like maybe I imagined the bit at the beginning where two different “kingdoms” were described, because it hasn’t really been referenced much at all. Same with when Austin reading her mind… Although I’m starting to think that was a joke now. Feel free to reply to me and explain that a bit more :slightly_smiling_face:
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@Queen_Faith - Fantastical: Falling From Grace
Hey guys (not sure if you had an episode royalty forum account to tag, or who else is members)

Anywho… I think I remember seeing when your group was being formed on the old forums if I’m correct? So it’s cool that I get a chance to review you now.

  • Straight into it and Idk if this counts as a minor or major change in episode’s eyes, but once I finish customizing Celeste (love the name btw, have used it in one of my own stories), she doesn’t leave the screen when Tristan comes on. She’s walking on the spot behind him :persevere:
  • Also, my hate for author notes at the beginning will never cease, so I would tell you to get rid of that, but also I feel like it kind of works considering you guys are a group so intros like that make sense… So what you make of my comment here is really up to you guys.
  • Your splash was super cool how you used the characters at the bottom and animated them.
  • Ooh, nice knife you got there.
  • And the wound overlay is cool too.
  • I like that you’ve used filters to distinguish between past and present.
  • I feel like in this flashback scene, the characters walk one by one and it looks a little off. I guess in real life, you wouldn’t wait for someone to get into one spot, before you started moving, you know? Just keep that in mind.
  • There was a little too much panning back in forth in the board room scene for my liking. Actually made me feel a little dizzy. Just one pan from zone 1 to zone 3 is enough and then use cuts to zoom on queen and then Jay. The rest of the cuts in this scene are fine.
  • Queen Eleanor 's mouth looks so weird. This is more of an issue with Episode and nothing about your story, but do you guys see the grey marks on the side and under the bottom lips? Tsk tsk Limelight…
  • I like that the plot kicks in basically straight away. Like, I already know this story will be about Tristan attending The Academy
    *Btw, I think instead of creating a name like Hogwarts, you went down the universal road of naming your school The Academy. It’s like kind of clever, because you’re not making your readers try and remember some made-up long-ass fancy name. But also it would have been cool to see some made-up long-ass fancy name.
  • It’s awesome that you’ve made choices matter. That’s really good for a contest entry.
  • OMG! The loading bar on your splash! So cool. Idk if I saw that on the beginning. I nearly fell out of my seat. It lags in the same place as the episode ones lol.
  • The first episode was pretty short, but again that’s supposed to be a good tactic for contests. Although after the contest, you might want to go back and revisit that to see if you can add more.
  • I don’t like that I got to add myself into the story, but that is probably just a me thing. The more stories the read, the less I like actually being in a story. I can see 13 or 14 year olds loving this though!
  • The Queen looks really good for age. Assuming she had her kid in her twenties, she must be like 40 something?
  • I don’t know why I’m drawing this comparison, but this reminds me of Langdon’s H&V contest entry Live and Let Love. Or Love and Let Live… (I have no idea what it was called lol) Maybe it’s because she’s the one that came up with the short episode theory for contests and that’s what you guys have. Or maybe it’s because they both give me olden day vibes, I really don’t know.
  • You phone scene looks so pro!
  • The zooming between Celeste and dad/pregnant mum in the flash back was a little annoying. It’s the same thing with the panning from before. I think after the first zoom, the rest could have been in zero seconds.
  • The speechbubbles in this particular flashback good do with a bit of spot directing. I’m fairly sure this is a minor thing you can edit during the contest btw. Just need young Celeste’s bubble to match up.
  • I noticed in the flashback Tristan’s hair didn’t change to what I changed it to. I guess I could explain that by saying Tristan in the present day dyed his hair?
  • Omigawd, I’ve been so distracted by your fake loading bar that I didn’t even realize your splashes were changing. Side note… I hope this is something you continue throughout all your stories!
  • I know I’ve been grilling you about your panning, but how it’s done when Celeste makes her decision is good :+1:
  • Careful with having your background characters/extras talk. It looks kind of weird to have display name “randomperson1”, you know?
  • I love the… randomperson3 (?) answering the door and then basically moon walking backwards hahaha.
  • I have a theory that Tristan’s dad was not the real killer, but I’m sure you cannot confirm or deny this for me.
  • Small issue in episode 3 with Alice. The scene and the table overlay pop up and then you do a transition fade in. Make sure you’re using your '&'s here so it flows.
  • Also, why are there so many donuts in this house. There’s some on the plate for dinner and then some on the kitchen counter too.
  • In this next flash back, Tristan and his mum hugging is a bit off. It shows the scene with the mum and then fades in and the Tristan ‘pops’ in.
    Overall, this is pretty good. I think it ticks all the boxes for a contest entry and there were only a few minor errors. For future episodes, I’d really like to see the council explored a bit further. Who are the members of the council and how did they get to that position? Stuff like that.
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Thank you so much for this! It was very useful for me and my partner @BLUE2109

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Ok, I’m glad you tagged her haha

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@ab.creates Piece of Me Missing

Hi Aimee and Jade,

  • I’m going to start off by saying I hate all author notes. This is totally my own opinion, but if you guys really want to have an author’s note, move it to the end instead of having it at the beginning.
  • It’s starting off nice, well paced. You’ve got a good use of text effects going. You’ve got a cool bed overlay. And most importantly you spell mum the correct way! Yay!
  • I like the motif of the necklace.
  • The way you zoom over Megan, made me think her Dad was checking her out! Idk if there’s a less pervy way to do that, but yeah, had me a little freaked our for a sec.
  • Hmm, I’m getting “gang story:” vibes from the way the dad said he had a big job for her, which I’ll be honest is not my favorite genre.
  • It was cool you added a mini test in your episode.
  • The diary entry was a nice touch.
    *Episode 1 was a little short, but I felt it still set up the story well enough.
  • That was a nice, but cruel trick you played with the outfit choice at the beginning or episode 2.
  • I get kind of bored from zooming over every outfit choice. If you want to show all angles of an outfit, can I recommend doing something similar to what The Baby Project did? There’s showed the whole outfit, but it was also done quickly.
  • I do like that you establish a difference between both twins by their outfit options.
  • Be wary of your background characters looking too much like the default ones. It makes a huge difference to change their outfits and/or facial features.
  • And also make sure you animate them. Especially at the party. They should be having fun and dancing.
  • I actually did not see that twist of Mia getting kidnapped instead of Megan.
  • Wait, wait, wait… So Mia’s boyfriend works for Megan’s dad? So he knows that they’re twins and doesn’t tell either of them?
  • Wow, I’m impressed with your overlays during all this crying!
  • The explosion was on point!
  • I’m surprised this doesn’t have too many reads yet. Whilst gang stories are not my thing, I know they’re very popular on episode and the way you guys have executed it is flawless. There hasn’t been any spelling errors, no layering errors, you’ve got a decent episode length going. Even now, you’ve got an art scene.
  • Woah I did not see that coming with the mum! And I feel like I should have, but I really had no idea.
  • I’m going to leave the review here because I really don’t much else to add. My two suggestions for this story is to make your background characters look less default, and change up the zooming thing you do with outfit choices. Everything else was perfectly fine.

Thank you so much!! :heart:

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@harly_episode - Beautiful Broken Lies

Hey Hannah and Carly,

I’m starting your story now, here’s what I think…

  • I can’t stand author notes at the beginning (see previous review lol). I just really encourage you guys to take that out. When I saw Elena’s narration bubble pop up, I thought now wouldn’t that be an amazing intro if they started with that, and maybe did a little montage of Elena’s life before as well.

  • I really like that you give a bit of an intro before the warning splash. It reminded me of in movies where you get the scene all set up and then it’s the opening credits, do you know what I mean?

  • I’m guessing the necklace is symbolic? Because it was in all three outfit choices.

  • Something that kind of stuck out to me was how over dressed her mum was… Because then when she’s out the front, their house looks all suburban. I was expecting a mansion.

  • Great scene when they get to school Lots of background characters, but gosh I feel like an idiot not being in my uniform haha

  • This first episode is giving me major bring it on vibes.

  • I like that choices count for something and I like that I get to see that as well.

  • What on Earth was that coffee order? Are those even real words? :astonished:

  • Well, episode 1 was actually quite long I think. I like the plot being getting her mum and the principal together although I’m yet to see how that connects to the first scene just yet.

  • I love how crowded your party scene is. You didn’t just say it was crowded, you showed it was crowded. And everyone’s outfits looked like party outfits. I love when people pay attention to detail like that.

  • When playing truth or dare, I feel like the pans between zones are a bit tedious. Maybe speed them up?

  • After Jake and Lydia leave, the fact that the extra characters aren’t doing anything becomes real apparent. Try to animate them, maybe even give them some lines that sort of fuel the fire?

  • I’m really glad Jake and Lydia didn’t do anything. They are true friends to Elena :heart:

  • Episode 2 was also quite lengthy. I feel like a lot has already happened. And I think Phoenix is the guy who will tie into the intro in episode 1, calling it now.

  • I’ve noticed a few of your transitions sort of flash before fading in properly. I’m not sure what’s going on in your script. But there’s a few cases of this in beginning of episode 3.

  • I was happy to see the plot go back to trying to set up the mum and principal. Oh and I also liked that Jake shut Ryan down for slut-shaming.

  • I’ve reached the end and my only question now is where did the title come from? Based off of the first three episodes I don’t really see a connection from what it’s called to what I’ve read.

I think you guys had a really solid story. It was error free and your episodes were long, you’ve got choices and funny characters too :blush:

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Oh my gosh! Thank you so much :blush: all of this is very helpful and I will take your advice for the intro bit! I’ll also have a look to see what’s going on with the transitions. You may just be right about the necklace, you’ll have to wait and see :wink: also, the title will make sense once the story is finished, we have planned out the whole story in advance so we made a title that would make sense to the whole thing, infact we have planned the last episode fully and one of the characters even uses the title in something!

Thank you so much again, it means a lot :blush: xx

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Wow, that’s great you guys are so ahead! Oh and I also forgot to mention… You don’t have a large cover? It might not seem like a big deal, but even just a screen shot of your main characters for the large cover will help you get reads :smile:

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We actually have a new small cover and a large cover, we just need to post the next chapters for the covers to update, it’s really annoying but will have to do lol :blush:

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Oh awesome!!

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@Rahdia - Fantastical: The Mermaid

So I’ve seen your cover (actually I think several covers) floating around on the forum and actually had this in my list already so I’m excited to read this.

  • If you’ve been reading anyone else’s reviews, you’d already know how I feel about author notes. To start off your story by putting it down is not the intro you want people to see. Which, also by the way… Not havong CC is totally fine so don’t say sorry for not including it. The fact that you’re not going to have that many choices though… I mean, that’s what the whole app is about! So I do hope after the contest you go back and see if there’s any where to add in choices.

  • I do love what you’ve done at the beginning with the waves. It looks amazing! I would suggest you “loop” it though. So it continues throughout the narration.

  • I like the male MC factor. And I also like that he’s like an duly with a real job

  • And I’m not sure if you did this on purpose, but you haven’t used the traditional “hot” features.(i.e. black hair and uneven lips) and I love it! It’s nice to see something different.

  • I love the “office drama” we’re getting hints at. All the old hook ups and who hates who. It’s interesting.

  • I also love all the outfits. I can tell it’s a seafood themed restaurant because the waiters dress like pirates.

  • You are so creative with that fishing scene. I wouldn’t have imagined it like that but it looked hectic.

  • Your substitute for a life jacket was clever.

  • I love how all the mermaids names are mermaidy

  • One critic with Amethyst (I think it was Amethyst) wearing glasses? Realistically, would underwater creatures be advanced enough to figure out the correct prescription? And what would they need glasses for anyway?

  • I feel like the swim animation looks awkward unless there swimming sided to side. Idk if this would work, but when they’re swimming further in the distance maybe idle_tinker_rear_loop might look better? It would look like doggy paddle, or in my mind it would at least.

  • First episode was a good length and I feel like we learner just enough of the plot to keep going. And also I just think you’re really clever for how you’ve improvised all these things I thought would be impossible on episode… Like that title wave.

  • Wow, you even managed to do merMEN.

  • At the musical, Onyx needs to be pushed back another layer, as she curtseys on a merman.

  • I love that you included a type your own line of the spell thingy. Despite not may choices, you’re using a lot of different episode tools.

  • Episode 2 felt a little shorter to me (but I’ll be honest that could be my imagination because I keep getting interrupted)

  • I like how you’ve kept your own drawings throughout. It’s a good uniform between the cover and splashes.

  • Can I guess that the reason you found it so hard to add choices, was because MC Kyle is not exactly present in episode 2 and 3? What with being under a spell and all, it would be hard for him to choose to do anything.

  • I feel like I keep saying every scene is so cool, but seriously! Kyle in that bubble was so cool!

  • Ok, this time I’m sure that episode 3 was shorter. Not too short that it’s worth calling you up on, but I imagine that with a few extra choices, the episode will fill out better.

  • I thought your explanation on mermaid DNA was pretty smart. If mermaids were real, your theory would seem legit.

  • Episode 4 was again, pretty short. But I feel more choices will make it lengthier!

  • I have one final question, which I’m sure will be explained with magic, but how the heck has Kyle been breathing this whole time??

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