I’ve actually read your posts and have taken your advice … but that’s alright. I’m not here for the reads, I genuinely wanted to improve.
If that’s the case, could you make sure to like the posts? It lets me know I haven’t wasted my time and/or passes and stops me from having to write out an awkward rejection post for fear that you are just here for the reads. If you can do that, absolutely I will add you to the waiting list
Of course I can sometimes I forget when reading, but I’ll make sure to do so this time
Hey Just wanted to thank you again. I decided to quit this story for good, because your comment kinda opened my eyes on this whole close similarities thing. So now I started new story, and with the help of writing guides, I will create completely authentic story I’m a bit sad, because I put a lot of work into directing and other things, but I think it’s for the best. Hopefully when I launch it, you will be here, and can give yet another review
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT what I wanted to happen! I still think your story was savable. Did you get in contact with anyone to find out if it was ok? Personally I think if you change Samantha’s backstory and maybe a few other things, it would be different enough. Your directing is phenomenal, so if you really are going to start something else, at least save some of the directing scenes, please!
I thought about it, but I kinda feel like characters weren’t developed enough and to rework it, means to work like every damn thing . And I don’t have enough motivation for this.
So I came up with completely different story plot, and interesting characters. Regarding directing, well, it doesn’t go anywhere I’m still able to do it, and maybe out-do myself, as I have big plans for this story. And it kinda feels better to know everything was my own from the scratch
But besides the point. Your reviews are gold, so keep up
Oh, you’re too kind Well, that makes sense, and I guess if you’ve already got an idea you’re excited for, that;s even better. Good luck with your next story. Let me know when you publish, I’d love to read it.
@JannahJackson - Tribe of Malapinchi
If you’ve read any of the other reviews, you’d know what I’m about to say… author notes! I personally don’t like them. I feel like it ruins the element of the story and I feel like most times, it’s not things people need to know anyway.
I’d recommend switching up your zooms in that first scene in the motel, since it’s rather long and a lot of talking and thinking for each characters, some close up shots might enhance the tone they’re setting.
Hahaha, nice camera shake when Rudolph falls.
I was a bit confused when he got back to his room, it felt a little random, first with him being cold, then needing the toilet, then having a feeling he doesn’t want to turn around, then getting locked in - that to me felt a bit too fast paced, and then when he was talking to Jindara, I guess I was just confused because we never actually got to see her.
Nice use of filters!
So I know this is an all three styles story, but I’m wondering if the ink characters are also in a flashback? I guess I usually think that’s the case with filters.
Ohhh they were dreams… Side note: Why is Isla sleeping on the floor when there’s two beds, a couch and even a toilet she could be on instead? Lol
Oh no, how am I supposed to remember such long words that don’t form a coherent sentence?
So is Intan breaking the fourth wall and talking to the readers? Are we the protagonist or something?
Yeah, so I got the word chant wrong two times… I knew I would
So after Isla gets beamed up, what were the zooms for? I thought maybe we would see foot steps but it was nothing (unless this was a glitch on my part?)
So the FAQ-type of thing you had at the end was really handy for me. I was struggling to remember names, but it was cool you did that.
Be wary of information dumps. I’m not sure if this is just because I’m reading it late at night, but it feels like a lot of explaining, which is necessary for your type of story, but I would encourage you to utilize a show-don’t-tell approach for this - it could be something as simple as switching up your zooms as I mentioned before, or maybe having some flashback scenes to help illustrate what’s being explained?
I wonder if Isla thinks this is all a dream too? She’s pretty calm throughout the whole teleportation ordeal.
Omg the flying scene is so cool.
It’s kind of ironic that the Classic style characters are the monsters because so many people comment on how creepy they look (me included). I’ve never read a classic story, so it’s cool to be able to see.
I know you had the splashes for sound, but I feel there were some parts that relied to heavily on the sound. I’m particularly talking about episode 4. Most people tend to ignore the splashes, and won’t turn up their volume and so they’d probably get really confused at that part.
I like that I’m seeing it all come together… The flashbacks are starting to join up.
I really liked that zoom thing you did where you just completely zoomed all the way out and returned back to the present. It was after finding Rudolph and Jindara - I have no better way to describe that, so yeah, I hope you know what part I’m talking about.
I feel like your directing just went up a level in this episode, your spot placements are on point, you’ve got camera shakes and rain!
Jindara’s backstory had me completely confused - does Jintara somehow relate back to Malapinchi? If not, I’m wondering exactly it’s significance. It’s quite heavy and tbh, you could have probably made a spin off story just about Jintara’s disappearence if you ever wanted to.
The outfit changes looked hectic though! Especially because you layered the dresses.
Nevermind, the relevance has been explained, as has the red pendent necklace too!
There was so much info in that backstory. I loved how you linked it to the wars. Like, you’ve added a great deal of history to essentially a “fantasy” story. I have to say I was not expecting that twist, but just the problem was that it was SO much information all at the one time, and I read it straight before bed, so when I woke up I struggled to remember some details. Whoops!
Overall I think you have a pretty interesting concept, you’ve literally utilized every tool episode has! (By using every style). You’ve done a great job at including diversity and history.
Just overall a couple of suggestions I have:
- I mentioned info-dumps: since your story is reliant on explaining a lot of things to the reader, you need to take care with this one. Too much explaining at once and your reader won’t retain any info. It was hard to follow along at times, because I had forgotten something or gotten a few words mixed up. There’s lost of different ways you could try and combat this, so I won’t list them, but I would recommend reading a few fantasy stories where basically whole-alternative-universes are created, so you can see how other authors have explained it and maybe see if their method’s could suit your story better?
- Choices… I can’t recall if there was many more than the word choice one that I got wrong. Lol. I mean, it’s not really a problem if you don’t include many, but Episode is an interactive story telling platform, so it’s usually good to include a few more and well help your readers engage with your story.
- The sound thing I also mentioned. If you’re going to heavy sound-only scenes, maybe a splash to tell readers that’s what’s going to happen directly before the scene starts would be a good idea.
- Final point: I know this was for the thriller contest, but after reading all the episodes you have available, I’d say it felt more like an adventure story. If you don’t have bigger plans for it, consider switching genres. It could open you up to a whole new audience too.
Oh. Authors notes as in when the Author comes out to talk at the front… originally it wasnt there but someone requested i do that so that readers get to know the author. But i never want to put myself up there. But its a new thing for me anyways. Im just experimenting both with and wothout readers notes. But I’ll take note of it. Different people have different views.
For the Rudolph part he did say he was going to his room. Thus he jump from Islas window down to the first floor…His room is at the first floor. Rudolph and Isla assume Jindara ran out to Rudolphs room (at first floor) but unbeknownst to them Jindara literally tried to run to the Carpark because she desperately wanted to get her Pendant for protection. But little did anyone know…the evil presence has already reach their place and captured their other 3 male friends… It’s 9pm at night… at a isolated area filled with forests… The Asian elders always say “Dont leave your house after dusk”. #EvilCreaturesRoamTheNight
Because Rudolph also sense something amiss behind him…like you know those moments when you get the feeling something is behind you and you are afraid to look behind… yup thats the reason. Also ok spoilersss: The one that kidnap Rudolph and Jindara is Jindara’s Older Sister who is now an Evil Spirit. Thus thats why Rudolph thought it was Jindara on his bed because both Jindara and Jintara have similar features.
I purposely name the two sisters similar because from Literature perspective… it is as though the parents never got over their first duaghters death and tries to make Jindara into nearly as close as to Jintara as possible. Its sad but yeah.
Jindara knows that place… the motel… that area in general is ‘dirty’ or curse… strange happenings at that area. So like the believe that amulets or pendants help to protect them from evil spirits. However she was kidnap by the spirits before she got the chance to get her Pendant for Protection. Thats the Asian folklore I was inspired from. Personally I dont believe such a thing haha.
Why is it cold? Well normally in horror movies especially Asian horror stories…usually the evil entity comes…theres always a drop in temperature. So like since they are now in a run down motel with limited to no heaters…its default cold. But with the evil entity…the room gets even colder than usual thus Rudolph gets that cold part. And also the door did lock by itself because of the evil entity. You know in horror stories doors lock by itself .
Its like Narnia. Malapinchi land is like Narnia.
The scene with her older sister Jintara was at the very carpark near or within some distance from the motel…the same carpark Rudolph parked the car from. This is not at Malapinchi. Nearby. I never specificied the Asian country because that may create issues though. But you can think of it like they are in somewhere in Indonesia or Malaysia. Malapinchi land is distinct on its own. Its fiction though haha.
Her older Sister, Jintara was kidnapped from there by Bomoh. That evil witchdoctor. And also that place was where she saw her parents for the last time. Nobody knows what happen to them. Spoilers: Jintara was sacrificed…thus she became an evil spirit helping Bomoh do evil deeds… luring unsuspecting people into their trap. Because she is souless. Their parents were eaten alive by the monster people thats why.
The filters are from the audience point of view is to let readers experience for themselves what its like via the eyes of evil. #LookingthroughEvilEyes. The dark sickly filter is to represent Looking through Evil Spirit eyes…aka Jintara. The Filter Rose Gloom is actually Looking through Bomoh’s eyes… when he is using magic. Thus it makes readers wonder and question and read in excitement as to what is going on haha. It also provides a fresh perspective and good for suspense.
Each to their own. These are only my thoughts, I know there are people that like author notes so it’s totally up to you at the end of the day if you want to keep it.
That’s actually really smart and I did wonder that at some point.
Their parents were eaten?!?!
Oh cool! I had no idea, but that’s a really cool idea
(Sorry, only replied to the ones I had follow up comments for, the other numbers you explained well)
No worries haaha.
Splashes? You mean when the backgrounds are black and sound is on them? Oh that I felt was like a special feature on my part. I was really excited to see lots of sounds can be overlapped with each other to create a cacophony of mayhem. It symbolizes the war period. Also, it will be too violent to show on Episode.
Yup Isla thought they were dreams…whereas, in fact, these are in fact visions. Telling her in glimpse of what happened in the past. She only got them upon arriving in Asia. Ok just to spoil again this was done with the idea in mind that the Malapinchi Tribe had long been corrupted with evil unbeknownst to them even…so the good of the land… The Great Garura is the one that gives Isla’s this visions so that she can help save the tribe. That is if she makes the right choice in the end ahha.
Oh, that outfit change was meant to be that… so like parents see their little girl but little Jindara saw something else…that is the lady in white…
So it’s like you know University students go out to do overseas community service but unbeknownst to our main cast(except for Jindara), they are about to enter into a different world. A world isolated from mankind for a long time.
Hahaha yup me and choices still in the learning phase thus limited usage of them.
Most of the things in the tribe are from real places though. Inspired by History and Geography…Also because I feel Episode is overrun with too many recycled cliche stories. There is so much more inspiration in this world. Earth is a vast collection of knowledge and wonder. Natures, cultures and life lessons. Why not write about these? There also needs to be a greater diversity in things and since Asia is not much explored and known, I thought I’d write about that as well.
- I was inspired by the cartoon series: Avatar The Last Airbender or in some countries Avatar The Legend of Aang, the Asia Folklores and Asia’s horrors. The Horror Thailand movie: The Ring, Fantasy Malay movie: Puteri Gunung Ledang
- Malapinchi came about via the ethnicities MALay, jAPanese, INdian & CHInese
- Their Sun beliefs are inspired by the Sun Worshippers in Peru, South America ( total far cry from Asia I know). I was also watching The Emperor’s New Grove and New School. I have to thank Kuzco for this haha.
- The Garura, in reality, is a legend/folklore myth called Garuda (in English is Pheonix). The Garuda is a legendary bird or bird-like creature in Hindu, Buddhist and Jain mythology.
- The language they speak… are from Sumerian and Babylonian languages.
- Bomoh means Witchdoctor in the Malay Language thus he looks Malay. Wuyi means Witchdoctor in Chinese thus he looks Chinese. And the last one is also the same. Indian They are the only ones whose names and looks are like from the actual race itself. The rest of the INK I jumble all the names, race and cultures up haha
- The names of the Classic characters all mean either Dark or Darkness in various Asian, some African languages. Just google darkness in different languages and you can find them all there #GoogleOurBestFriend
Where I got the Dark Tribe Names fromhttps://www.indifferentlanguages.com/words/darkness
The names of our Ink characters all mean Sun, light, sun rays etc. while some have extra meanings like protection like Rasamee Alisa (The Rasamee means ray of light in Thailand while the Alisa means protection in another language. which is why our character Rasamee Alisa was protected from harm in the story…in 1939). This was inspired by my grandmother who survived in the actual war itself because one of the British soldiers saved her. So I used this in my writings. If it weren’t for this I won’t be alive to write this story today.
Oh yes, 1939 those years, the Japanese Occupation in WWII hit Asia’s shores. While Europe is fighting at one end, Japanese occupied Asia. Officially, Japanese Occupation came to Singapore in 1942. So that’s where I have gotten my inspiration from.
Peninsula Malaysia and the Island of Singapore is also inspired for my story. I’m from Singapore so I thought I’d used this to my advantage. Peninsula Malaysia is like the mainland Malapinchi and Island Singapore is like the Dark Island. Ironically, Singapore has an island called Sentosa (peace) but its old name was Pulau Belakang Mati ( Death from Behind in the Malay Language). I used this name for my dark island
I came up with the plot as i go along. I kind of got a rough idea and rust went along and see where it took me, not forgetting some inspiration which I had along the way.
I also analysed the art catalog for backgrounds first before writing the story to see which fits haahha. Kinda hard at times because most is city stuff and all that. And some of the backgrounds like the cave light, I thought why not? Since they’ve drawn it… Let’s use it haha.
I’m Asian myself. I’m from the Malay race in Singapore, South East Asia. Thus my inspiration to make that Malapinchian Tribe at East South East Asia haha. (Also because I was googling compass directions… and I found it haha). I feel a lot of diversity is needed in Episode. There’s more than 1 type of diversity so I thought I’d show that in my story(It’s more about LGBT community and others. Don’t mind but I’m not saying they shouldn’t but I feel there can be more diversity to Episode collections. Thus I wrote my story lol)
I also remembered about the Dirty Dancing Contest. So that is an animation they created specifically for it. I thought why not? It looks like flying. Just used it. Also it’s a LL animation so I can’t make INK fly so best alternate option is to sit on her haha. Again making use of past knowledge.
Sure I’ll take note of your suggestions and use them in my story. Thank you!!! Thank you very much for reading
Honestly, this is my first time writing classic, LL and spotlight. So it was definitely a challenge especially the animations. Some styles have same animations while some similar while others are entirely different. So that took quite getting used to.
The names are hard to remember for me as well. I did research and listed them all out like this loll. Feel free to use this research knowledge Some fun facts of the names of the Sun Tribe that I used and some may be background characters haha. Some said my story is Ying and Yang Light and Dark Good vs Evil. I didn’t realise until they said it haha.
- Arjun (Bright light shining #Indian)
- Bhaskar (Sun #Indian)
- Jaideep (Victory to the light #Indian)
- Aegneya ( Son of Fire #Sanskrit)
- Balaaditya ( Young Sun #Sanskrit)
- Bagaskoro ( Sun rays #Indonesia)
- Aditya ( Sun #Javanese)
- Baskara ( Sun #Javanese)
- Damar (Light #Javanese)
- Prabaswara (Light #Javanese)
- Harimurti ( Sun rays #Javanese)
- Guang (Light, Guang will be the light for the other ones to guide and show the path. #Chinese)
- Asahi (あさひ) 光皐陽: Ray of Light on The Shore,旦燈: Daybreak Rising, 旦陽: Morning Sunshine,旭大: Big Rising Sun, 昇冴: Bright Rising # Japanese)
- Haru (Born in spring; sunshine #Japanese)
- Phassakorn Sun #thai
- Atid (The sun #thai)
- Huy (Sending light out; brightness #Vietnamese)
- Minh & amp; Sang (Bright #vietnamese)
- Raksmei (Ray of light #cambodian)
- Rainsey (Ray of the sun #cambodian)
- Aruna (Dawn of light, rising sun #Indian)
- Deepika ( Little Light #Indian)
- Aarunya (First rays of the sun #Sanskrit)
- Drisana ( Daughter of the Sun #Sunskrit)
- Bhanurasmi ( Sun #Javanese)
- Liang ( Feeling of elevation. Light ot Light #Chinese unisex)
- Huang (Pheonix; Bright shining # Chinese. Unisex)
- Chenguang（晨光）(morning light #chinese)
- Xiaodan ( Little dawn #Chinese unisex)
- Hinata (ひなた):
(一陽: One Sunshine ,光永: Ray of Eternity , 光菜汰: Selection of the Best Vegetables , 向日葵: Sunflower , 向葵: Sunflower #Japanese)
- Hikari ( Light #Japanese)
- Chiaki ( Sparkling light #Japanese)
- Praew (gleaming & shining #thailand)
- Prapa ( light, shine & radiance #thailand)
- Rasamee (ray of light #thailand)
- Anh ( light rays #vietnamese)
- Arunny ( Morning sun #cambodian)
Hey! I would like a review if you have some time to look at my story:
Title of your Story: Fallen Angel
Author Name: AdyElly
Genre : Drama & Mystery
Description: Mal’s world turns upside down on her wedding day. She changes her identity and is forced to confront the future, but also the dark secrets of the past. Will she get out alive?
Link To Story:
Yeah, splashes or story cards as they’re sometimes called are like those “warning - this story contains mature themes” and “this story uses sound”, etc.
Also I was just thinking - since there’s so much to talk about with your story, you should check out my friend’s thread Let’s talk about your story. It’s a better place to share all this information, since other people will check out her thread.
@MayLaugh - Trouble Twins
I know in your author note you say “don’t worry I won’t be at the beginning of every episode”, but me, being the serial author note hater that I am, still wants to urge you to take it out or at least put it at the end of your first episode. I just feel like the ruin the element of the story by breaking the fourth wall the first chance you get.
Title is fitting considering they’re being chased by police. Lol.
First episode was a little bit short for my taste. I only have two points written down…
Ummm… The customer’s wearing a shirt with blood on it?? Should May be concerned?
Episode 2 was again pretty short. I sorta feel like I can’t comment on the plot or the story line because it’s just too short that I’m not learning enough about it.
I saw a little typo when Julien was kissing Kailey. Out was spelled like this: ouw
When they call May, (omg I just realised May Laugh is also your name!), Alec gets stuck on a talking loop.
Also, did you realise May and Amy use the same letters? Hehe
Hahaha, I loved the leg thing - seems like a totally stereotypical male thing to recognize someone from their legs.
Nice spot directing at the bar.
Episode 4 was a lot better in terms of length. I still don’t feel like I know enough about the story yet, but I am starting to.
I can’t fault your directing, you had that all perfect. My only advice is to work on the length of the first three episodes. There are people who like short episodes, but if that’s what you’re going to do, you still need to provide enough content for your readers to satisfy them. It feels like we haven’t even touched the surface on what you’ve described in the summary. Based on what you have published so far, I’m not sure if the romance genre is the right fit, but maybe with some more content, I could see why it is? Maybe you have more plans for future episodes that place it in the romance genre? (I do agree though that is does have a little comedy.)
Thank you for your thoughts. I am working on the lengths of the future chapters, I just realized how short they are after I‘ve published them and after doing some Read4read so I decided to work on the length
And yes, you are right with the genre. In the First Episodes it’s more comedy than romance but there will be more romantical stuff in the further chapters and there will be more background info in chapter 5
Thank you for your notes again
Oh and about the bloody Shirt - it is Ketchup
I added this info to the conversation from Amy and May.
Oh and I agree on another thing - I also hate author notes. I just added this scene because a lot of the people were yelling about no background informations and what was that about episode 1 and stuff… so I decided to add these note and I hoped the people would accept the fact of not getting any infos in episode 1
Oh I totally know what you mean. I revamped one of my own stories a while ago because I read it and realised just how short it was. I tried to add a few more choices that lead to bonus scenes, maybe that would work for you too?
Hahaha, yeah I realised it afterwards. I wrote that note down before the scene though. But it’s actually kind of innovative to use that shirt as ketchup instead of blood.
And damn, sorry to hear that people were complaining. I would say though that if you don’t like author notes, don’t force yourself to include it. To the people that complained about no background info, I’m sure they should know that any good story reveals that kind of information slowly and in good time?
Maybe you are right. That could be a good opinion, to add some special scene… I should think about that possibility👌🏼
It’s sometimes really difficult to find something that works for me and for the readers. A lot of reviewer or „story read helper“ are not like you. They are just like „no background infos, the reader is confused“ - umm yes? Of course he is?! Imagine you were there - as normal
Human - and you would see this scene on the graveyard - you wouldn’t just go to the Twins and start asking „hey there, wow. What did you do May, what happens before? Julien are you a criminal?“
And I am just not into this introducing Stuff. I am always thinking that it’s not realistic because no one comes out of nowhere and Starts with stuff like „hey I am Emily and a long time ago I was abused by my step father but I am okay now, we are a happy family again after I turned 15 and he started to abuse my younger sister.“ so like wth - show me one person who starts weird conversation like this
But so many people want stories like this… and i just don’t get why.
Haha… hope you don’t mind, as you see I have my struggle with these background-information-thing
But thanks again for your words.
It helped and kind of motivate me
Bahahaha, I understand what you mean. I think the beginning of the story is the hardest thing to get right, but tbh, the beginning was actually not what I thought people would be getting confused at. Maybe if that scene took place in episode 3 I would have thought it was random, but it kinda felt like a mini prologue to demonstrate that the twins were indeed “trouble” so I don’t see much wrong with that