Amberose's Live Thoughts on Your Stories


#407

This is my first story on Episode so I’m still trying to figure things out. I’m currently working on finishing chapter three, but I’d love to hear any feedback you have. I’m new to all of this. It’s going to be kind of a drama/romance. Thanks in advance for your help!! :slight_smile:


#408

No probs :slightly_smiling_face: So it’s not been published yet?


#411

First three chapters are now published on the app :slight_smile:


#412

@Nelles - Through his eyes

Before I start this again, I just want to quickly add something… So back in August you asked how I felt about not having choices in the dream/story parts. Now I haven’t restarted your story just yet, so I’m not sure if you’ve added any in since then, but I just wanted to add on to that: I’ve been noticing that a lot of what gets featured doesn’t often have many choices, some have barely at all. So whether or not you include choices in the dream/story parts or not, I don’t think it’s going to ruin your chances of gaining readers or getting featured.

  • Ok, so I probably won’t comment on the plot until episode 3 since it doesn’t look like there’s been many changes in terms of that, but I will say that I couldn’t fault any directing in your first episode. Spotting on point (and you’re so savvy with your overlays too)

  • On the balconies (which I still think is such cute scenes), when they’re drinking coffee, be careful of what animation you use. In real life, they would have spilled so much before even taking a sip. Hahahaha.

  • In a turn of events, I’m going to now encourage you to scale something bigger - the fire truck. If you’re worried about it taking up to much space, try moving it more to the right once you scale it, cutting off the front half won’t make too much of a difference.

  • Ah holy shit! That fire scene was sooooo cool. It’s definitely the kind of ending that would make me want to spend another pass.

  • Beginning of episode 3… It’s day time, right? If so, you need to swap out your background for the day version.

  • WTF!! Your bandage overlays made me do a double take. Such precision…

  • Part of me is like come onnnn, he would not love Liv this early on… But then I remember it’s a story within a story (unless you’ve got a big twist up your sleeve) so I’m ok with it.

  • Ooooooohhh! That bubble overlay!

  • I love how she’s just accepted that in order to write more, MC just needs to sleep.

  • Extra 6 is in desperate need of a display name change… (Unless you want her name is Extra 6, in which case, ignore this point lol)

  • Wait… Am I seeing a newspaper tucked under extra 6’s arm??? How? I mean, I know it’s overlays… But wow.

  • Nice subtle slip of the title into natural conversation. That was clever.

  • I’m starting to suspect you’re up to something. There’s just something suspicious about Thomas. I’ve definitely got my eye on him, I’m sure he’s connected to the storyline more somehow.

  • I appreciate that you didn’t outright say “rape”. I think, as weird as this might sound, it’s a mature way to include something serious in your story. It’s implied, most readers will read between the lines, and if they don’t they’re probably too young anyway. I just think it was a thoughtful way to include it without it being triggering.

  • I loved the Skype overlay

  • I mentioned this before, when MC wakes up from her dream, shouldn’t it be the daytime background?

  • Oh wow, that just got really deep with MC’s whole background story.

  • I think the spotting outside the hotel was scaled a bit too big. It looked like they were closer to the entrance so should have been smaller.

  • You have no idea how excited I got when they reached the book store and she’s like “where are we?” because I know where she is :smile:

  • The bubbles… Omg… I have no words. How did I not see that all the extras were dopplegangers? And poor Thomas’s face when she was calling for Scott.

  • Aww the wedding song scene is so cute

  • Why is he getting arrested? Can’t he just get a ticket? (Oh, but then I remember this is the story within the story part so I don’t mind that much). Nice police lights though.

  • I knew there was more to Thomas!

Ok, so I’m all caught up now. First I want to say that I don’t understand how you only have 28 reads?? It was basically perfect and error free. I hope you don’t mind me making this comparison, but your story reminds me of Silhouettes by aprilish. If you haven’t read it, what I’m about to say will make no sense. But I just feel like both your male character Scott (and Thomas?) are real selfless and good guys like in her story and your stories are both structured in a way that sorta keeps the reader guessing as to what exactly is going on… (this is a compliment by the way, it’s a good story to be compared to). I’m still shocked this doesn’t have more reads, but I’m excited to continue on with it and you’re truly an expert with overlays. Sometimes it looked so simple that I could totally believe that your overlays were just episode props :wink:


#413

Hi :smiley: , I’m new to episode and I would really appreciate some feedback one my story so far. I currently have 5 episodes out at the minute, but you don’t have to read them all. The first couple of episodes are pretty short but the last couple are a little bit longer :slight_smile:
Thank you :slight_smile:
Title: Dark Secrets
Author: Mary Jean
Episodes: 5 (not finished yet)
Genre: Fantasy
Description: Title: An ordinary girl but no ordinary secrets. Join the journey as she discovers who she really is and the supernatural secrets will be revealed
Cover: I’m using the one that episode uses for the fantasy genre
Link: http://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/5343867049476096


#414

Thank you SO much for all your time and effort you have put into your review! I will check all the points you mentioned.
I have not read Silhouettes, but I’m going to, now :wink:
I have at least two massive (and some smaller) plot twists planned and I like how you’ve already picked up on some of the hints I’ve dropped throughout the first 8 episodes!
:heart: thank you so much once again, i’m over the moon with your review! :heart:


#415

Aw you’re very welcome… Now I look forward to the two massive plot twists and the few small ones :wink:


#416

Hi, I would love if you reviewed my story.

Title: My Best Friend Next Door
Author- Marina
Genre: Romance
Style: Ink
Episodes: 19 (not finished yet)
Description: What happens when someone from your past moves in next door? Will you fall for them? Follow Maya on her journey through senior year, and see her find love where she least expects it!

Link-

http://www.episodeinteractive.com/s/5154152958525440


#417

@KateB_episode - The fragments of the past

First of all, woah! 11 days ago you had three episodes, now you have double that. You must be a quick updater.

  • Um, author note… It’s no secret I hate them. It ruins the illusion of the story in my eyes, but each to their own…

  • Hmm, intriguing little future scenario you’ve started off with. It was quite brief though, so if it’s not addressed within the next couple of episodes, it could be forgotten too.

  • I’ll be honest, I don’t really tend to like “gang” stories, but what I do like that you’ve included is family. The way the siblings fight and bicker feels real, and Jacob trying to stop them makes me laugh. (And I guess if we’re talking realism, it is likely if Jacob’s in a gang that his kids would be too, so that’s good)

  • After you pan back to Daniel and Michael, Jacob enters from the right side of the screen but he should be walking from the left side since that was where he was speaking to his kids.

  • Oh dear. Episode 1 was terribly short I’m afraid. The problem with that is I haven’t learned enough about the characters yet, so I wouldn’t feel a strong enough connection to care that Lily will never see her boyfriend again (lol, I’m heartless). So it’s worth adding more so that your readers get attached and want to read more.

  • I’m going to guess Thomas comes back into the current story? If so, the flashback was a great way to introduce the antagonist.

  • Omg… Why do I get the feeling Ryan’s going to die?

  • Episode 2 length was better, but I’d still recommend making it a wee bit longer.

  • Wait, I take back my last point about Ryan… Now I get the feeling he’s going to cheat on her…

  • When at college, I suggest making the BG characters look less defautish - it only takes a hair change and an outfit change to make them look like a whole new person, and as well as that, college is a time when lots of people experiment with their styles, so you could have some fun making the BG characters look unique.

  • Hmm, I think I’m going to side with Ryan on this one. It was only a hug and plus college can be stressful and busy, so ofc he’s not going to have heaps of time to visit.

  • When Jacob goes after Lily, moves him forward a layer so that he walks in front of his wife.
    @JACOB moves to layer 2

  • Nice transition to the club. I really liked how they stayed in the same positions, so it looked like only the background changed.

  • Oooh, maybe Ryan does die…?

  • I’m just noticing now you don’t have any choices? I mean, it’s not something you have to include, but it is the whole point of Episode, so I would encourage you to consider adding some choices in. It doesn’t have to be ones that change the endings or change your story plot, it could just be simple things like how Lily replies to a question and would only change one line of dialogue.

  • I love how Ryan looks like he’s in the shadows in her dream.

  • I feel like when Lily runs into Liam, they’re both too big for the background they’re standing in. (It’s the college campus BG). Try scaling them smaller and then zooming in. You can use the footpath in the background for reference.

  • I’ve been curious for a while now… what exactly are all the missions they do? Like, what type of work?

  • Ooh Liam and Lily kiss - I really liked how you didn’t make Lily freak out for half an hour about how she would prove they were together. I see that too often in stories and it often goes against character. But the way you did it was good, because Lily hasn’t come across as a shy girl so far, so it wouldn’t have made sense if she hesitated to kiss him. Props to you for characterization.

Overall, I will admit it’s not a story line I find myself interested in, but luckily for you, gang stories are really popular on the app, so I’m sure there’ll be lots of people who will love this. I didn’t see any directing errors (aside from when I thought the characters were scaled too big), so good job with that. I felt that you could use some improvement in terms of create more diverse characters. I think that was an area which you were lacking a little bit. To help resolve this, I’d suggest creating backstories to each character, so your readers can learn where they’re from and learn more about their personalities (you may have this planned already) OR switch up the looks of all your BG/extras characters. My biggest piece of advice would be to make your episodes a little bit longer. There were a couple of episodes that I felt were just too short, and some bonus scenes or even some extra choices could really fix that up. If you don’t want to add anything to the old episodes, then can I suggest you promote your story here. This thread is useful for people who are looking for stories that have short episodes, so if you promote yours there, you’re likely to find a solid fan-base.


#418

@gisellec - TATYA: Professor Fever

  • Just a quick thing, I noticed MC is wearing a default character’s outfit for the first scene. Outfits are a good way to show personality so I’d recommend changing that up.

  • So far, I think your directing is a lot better than the other stories of yours I reviewed. Nice improvement.

  • The “first encounter” shall we call it, felt kind of rushed. I’m sure the guy comes back up and that’s why it’s important but it felt like a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment.

  • Anish (default BG character) – why don’t you change his features and clothes? It might seem like a small thing, but when you give BG characters unique looks, it shows how much effort you’ve put into your writing.

  • When she gets pulled out of class and he says “You didn’t tell me a student,” shouldn’t she be more like “well, why the heck would I?” When I meet people when I was a student, I didn’t advertise it all the time, because of course, what are the odds they’d be my teacher?

  • Ethan’s so blunt to his kid, wtf. Way harsh. Ugh, and he’s been waiting so long to punch his wife in the face?

  • Oh, so the punch killed his wife? Again, wtf! What a horrible person.

  • Just a little thing, sometimes affair doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s married. It could refer to a work place affair or teacher/student affair. So I think her reaction shouldn’t be to immediately hang up the phone, but to question the cop, etc.

  • I see you’ve put a little disclaimer as to why there’s no choices, but don’t forget the whole purpose of episode. Whilst you may need to have certain things play out your way to keep the plot, it’s very easy to slip a few choices in there. Maybe some dialogue choices, like how she replies to Damon – she could give a “nice” reply or be “sassy” for example.

  • Hold on… Ethan shot his wife? I thought he must have punched her because we never saw a shooting.

  • I feel like I must have missed something… Wasn’t Damon kicking Tatya out of class? Or forcing her to drop? Then in the shops he went all flirty and now he’s tracking her phone??? Unless this is about to turn into a thriller story, I’d like a little more explanation on how and why he’s tracking her phone lol.

  • I know you explained the lack of choices in episode one, but I was kinda thinking outfit choices would be an episode 2 at least. This is just a suggestion, but unless there’s a specific reason why she has to wear that outfit, I’d say put in some outfit choices to keep your choice-hungry readers satisfied.

  • I suspected Ethan would be back at the Uni to create more drama, but I’m a little confused because wasn’t he in jail for killing his wife? How much time has past since the murder first off and second, did he really not kill her like he said? Is that why he’s allowed to teach again?

  • Ok, so Damon gives me similar vibes to Ethan now… Like they’re both equally shady. I actually think it’ll be difficult to make either of these guys a love interest, but I’m sure they’ll bring the drama so luckily that’s the genre of your story hahaha

  • (Also, just a side note, all your main characters have similar features - white skin, black hair (I’m not including Emily because she hasn’t had much screen time so I don’t consider her a main character) and both guys have the same face shape and nose. Since this isn’t a CC story, you’re the one with the power to make your story’s characters diverse. Please keep this in mind when making new characters to introduce in the plot)

  • Just for the sake of realism, probably don’t have Ethan ring the doorbell right after Damon leaves, because it was so quick that I would imagine they would have bumped into each other, no?

  • Yes, Tatya, yes. I was literally going to ask why the heck Ethan would have had a gun on him in the first place too!

  • Wait, we have a mortal enemy? I don’t think Emily dating Tatya’s enemy was as big of a bombshell as it was to find out Tatya has an enemy in the first place. Where did that come from? Also, her enemy sort of follows the same kind of “look” I mentioned before, white skin and black hair.

So… a couple of final points… While I found the length of your episodes perfect, the pace felt very fast. Since it’s a drama, think about how soap operas work - they can spend multiple episodes going over the same issue. With your story, it felt like we were skipping bits of intel here and there. A little mystery is nice and can really add to the story, but not everything needs to be a secret.

I’m also not sure if she should be a law student… Or rather, I’m not sure if Ethan and Damon should be law professors since I get the feeling they’re both doing something illegal. LOL. Maybe studying business would make it more believable.


#419

Thank you very much!! I’ll fix the mistakes soon! :heart:


#420

You’re welcome :slightly_smiling_face:


#421

:clap: i :clap: literally :clap: love :clap: how :clap: dedicated :clap: you :clap: are :clap: :heart_eyes:


#422

Thank you, stalker. Yes, I’ve noticed you liking this thread from time to time :kissing_heart:


#423

:smirk: :kissing_heart: ;))


#424

Thank you so much for your review!!:two_hearts::heartpulse:


#425

@AdyElly - Fallen Angel

  • Couple of things I want to just say I love right off the bat: no author note, I’m thrilled. I also love this kind of intro because MC is about to get married. I feel like majority of Episode stories end with a marriage (I guess because most stories are all about the chase), but starting off with a wedding stands out to me and I’m interested to see what goes wrong (since I’m guessing it’s not going to go off without a hitch or else why would this be in the drama genre, lol)

  • I liked the way you organised your hair choices, because it will make it so easy for readers to find what they’re looking for.

  • Your spotting with Brandon’s family is almost perfect, just when Brandon leaves, it looks like he walks on the coffee table lol

  • I love the dedication you put into that montage to change Mal’s hair. That’s something I’ve always been far too lazy to do even though I always appreciate when other people go the extra mile to do it.

  • I know I’ve only started this story, but the twins are my favourites! And I really like how I can tell they’re twins even though you’ve given them different hair styles.

  • Um… She’s leaving the dress choice pretty last minute isn’t she? HAHAHA, just kidding though, because I can see you’ve included it that way so the readers get a choice. I like how you’ve set up this choice too.

  • That random mention of her dad’s best friend makes me think he might be up to something. I expect him to pop into the story soon.

  • Woah, what the heck? Did she get shot?! EDIT: A bomb? A fire?

  • I can only imagine the patience you must have had to spot all those letters/overlays and animations haha.

  • They’re ALL dead??? I’m guessing Hector is er dad’s best friend?

  • Mal recovered quickly! She’s already up and ready to catch the killer. At least Hector is able to be the voice of reason.

  • So… did everyone really die? The twins? They’re gone? :disappointed_relieved:

  • Your montages are great, you’re spotting is on point and you really go all out by changing hair styles and outfits.

  • Did Mal say “I’ve got nothing left to live for” out loud? I thought it was a narration bubble, but then Hector came in and replied as if he heard it, so maybe I tapped too quickly, whoopsie.

  • You probably know I’m not an author-note lover, but I think that was a nice thing you added at the end of episode 2, so good job. Also, not being able to change the past? That was deep AF!

  • I hope Hector doesn’t turn out to be a love interest… :confounded:

  • Minor typo - “this house is on her name” - on should either be “in” or “under”.

  • I am thinking though… why would they be treated as suspects anyway? Mal wouldn’t because she was a target… I may be looking into this too much, but Hector could very well be a suspect… I don’t trust him.

  • “You can be around me only if you throw this ugly clothes” - Did you mean throw away these ugly clothes?

  • Maria changed clothes before going shopping? Or…? I put her in the stripey dress, but now she’s in the pink top and shorts.

  • Mal’s worried about trusting Maria? Lol, I’m still worried about Hector.

  • I’ve been wondering why she keeps calling the body guards monkeys… Since they haven’t done anything to make them come across as monkeys.

  • Oh yes, I was hoping you’d make a duplicate character to change their names to Sofia and Matteo.

  • Oh my, don’t even get me started on the overlays in the living room. That stair case? Amazing! Great directing.

  • Adam = Love interest. So I don’t need to worry about Hector in terms of that…

  • “I need a cold shower” LOL :rofl:

  • Your first choice in episode 5 has a lol typo. You say “change this clothes” but it should be “change these clothes”.

  • And also… “Wait me here”… Did you forget to add the word “for”? - wait for me here.

  • The ghosts look sooooo cool

  • You’ve got a great hang of overlays. I always think bruise overlays sometimes look tacky because they don’t always fit on the face with every animation, but you’ve got it mastered.

  • Scene in the park, two things: one- the typing animation was a genius move. Two- Sofia says “someone who regret decision to come here” but it should be “someone who regrets their decision to come here”.

  • Your club scene looked great. I loved all the background characters.

  • I’m not sure if this is a coincidence… But I feel like I’ve seen Kim as a BG character a lot… So I’m not trusting her.

  • The shopping bags! OMG! Love!

  • Hmmm… mysterious no name entering… Another love interest? I don’t know.

You’ve really caught my attention with this story. There’s a great balance between the mystery side of it and the drama side. It’s great, I don’t really have much to say other than that… I am curious where the title came from? Is it going to be explained more as the story progresses?


#426

Thank you so much for your review!!!:smiling_face_with_three_hearts::hugs:
The title you will be able to understand it after some of the dark secrets of the past will be revealed. There are a lot of secrets and many mysteries that will turn her life upside down. Her perfect loving life before the wedding will be just a nice dream after that.:wink:


#427

You’re most welcome :blush:
Hmm… I sort of had a feeling you might be plotting more… and your reply just confirmed it! I look forward to seeing what you come up with :kissing_closed_eyes:


#428

I won’t disappoint you. Pinky promise! :yum::kissing_closed_eyes: